Parents of children with autism- how do you get over the meltdowns?

I've many times felt like you do..I have 2 autistic sons, 12 years apart in age. Eventually you learn the triggers but jesus, it feels like there is one round every corner sometimes. My oldest has got easier as he's reached near adulthood (he's 18) so it does get easier

We started off with a cushion he was allowed to hit - that was the only thing he was allowed to hit - and if he hit DD or me then he lost tv time &/or he had to accompany me everywhere. So if I had to load the washing machine, hang the waning out etc he had to come with me. At some point we upgraded the cushion to a punch bag. He was never told off for hitting the punch bag, we directed him to it if need be. By about Yr6 he never used it any more and we got rid of it. If he broke something then he had to help fix/replace it. Removing stuff that was thrown etc.

We instigated the rule he was never allowed in DD's bedroom unless she specifically invited him in and he had to leave the second she asked him to. We explained why and he was ok with it, it was never an issue. They mainly played in the living room, garden or DS's room.

I can't say if it worked or if it didn't, but he's a teenager now and we have the few odd slammed doors but no violence or wilful destruction. We always took the view that whilst we knew his difficulties, no one else would and neither would they care especially if he had e.g. injured another child or damaged someone else's property. So we didn't punish him for having a meltdown as such, but there were consequences for any resulting violence and lots of chats about how to deal with [trigger] next time. Along the lines of "it's ok to be upset, it not ok to hit your sister" kind of thing. I don't quite know how to explain the distinction!

DD also went through phases of refusing to play with him, and that actually seemed to be the thing that made him realise just how scary his behaviour could be.

You allow yourself to feel sad for a bit, take a big deep breath, then find something on You Tube that makes you laugh.

I don't think you do. We've just accept that this is the hand you've been dealt and a lot of the time it's a bit shit.

Sorry hardly helpful but I was exhausted trying to "fix" our family.

It was very hard. I used to just get to work / home and shut down for a bit. So many things were broken and I was hurt quite badly a few times. You have my sympathies.

@TryingReally was this at school gates? My son is waiting on assessment. Age 7. Had 30 minute crying- stuck to gates. But is also challenging in school. I cried all day yesterday. you’re not alone.

@HellMet what did that look like? Did it work?

You just do get over it. You have to, you're a parent. I did sanction violence though. I know it's not the done thing on here, you're supposed to let your child punch and kick you and their siblings 🤷‍♀️

How old is your son OP?

Honestly, I go through phases of finding it tough going parenting my ASD child. In many ways it was probably easier when he was younger then now. I feel so guilty over it. I do my best however there are days where I feel sorry for myself about the situation.

I do my best and I look forward. Some days are just harder than others.