Parents of children with autism- how do you get over the meltdowns?

I agree here you can't worry about others. These are strong feeling and you need to sit with them and maybe work out why you feel that way. You shouldn't care about others.

Yes I've noticed this (your last sentence). I have a friend whose sister allows her child to do anything and everything he can quite literally do anything he wants including throwing his toddler sister, and his mum's stock response/defence is 'well he's autistic, so..

There aren't any meltdowns anymore. Just gets angry-ish at things occasionally and strops off like any pre-teen would, but no more meltdowns thankfully. Was diagnosed by NHS just over 5 years ago now and has 'improved' for want of a better expression, ever since in many ways. However other aspects of the ASD have ramped up to take its place.

How did I used to handle them? Not well. I can’t give you any useful advice really without being hypocritical. Well, other than to say just do your best not to rise to it and give the safe space needed for the meltdown to run its course. Mine was little when meltdowns were a thing, so there wasn't much helpful I could do, other than to make sure it didn't escalate to dangerous proportions and be a caring support once everything had calmed down. Anything I tried to step in with, just escalated matters.

I would be worried if your son is doing fine at school. He may be masking then the issues/ frustration come out at home.

He can't help mentdowns his brain gets overwhelmed and he can't cope. The best thing to do is look for triggers or signs he's struggling and try to manage the situation before it escalates. Don't expect more of him than he is capable of . If he does have a meltdown stay calm and wait for it to end then be supportive in a way that is comfortable for him.

Mine is 17 and still having the occasional catastrophic meltdown. She’s triggered by school, lucky us, so I know all about humiliation. How do I cope? No bloody clue.

It's hard, really hard.
Thankfully my DCs meltdowns have reduced over the last year, we've learnt some triggers and how to avoid them, gone as low demand as possible and with hindsight meltdowns have dropped pretty much in line with school attendance dropping.
But there will always be the coke bottle effect, at some point there will be an explosion no matter what we try to do. The last one was over the Christmas break, obviously due to overwhelm which is difficult to avoid at that time of year.

You’re wasting emotional energy worrying about what other people think. ‘Humiliated’? ‘The walk of shame’?
I say this only to reassure you that you will stop caring about that aspect in time.
It will always be exhausting, look after yourself x

It’s hard

1. understand the behaviour is a result of distress and difficulties with explaining to you (no fault to you)
2. Shame does not help here
3. if he could communicate his needs/distress he would, he doesn’t enjoy meltdowns in fact he probably finds them exhausting (hence his compliance in school)
4. if you can help identify triggers and plan around them it may help avoid them
5. he is able to share with you as his safe person

DS has violent meltdowns, which he finds as distressing as we do I think - we don't punish him for the violence because we don't think he's in control of it and when he comes out of the meltdown he wants kill himself and is full of self hatred and thinks he's a terrible, evil person.

He's done a lot of work in groups and in school around emotional regulation which has helped hugely, so now the meltdowns are rare. When they happen we have to have one of holding his legs with the other holding his arms, while he screams and begs us to stop or to kill him, or that he's going to kill us, while trying to break free to attack us or harm himself.

It's hard. At the worst point, when he was having multiple violent meltdowns a day and I was covered in bruises I would flinch if he approached me. I coped using beta blockers, wine and chocolate (not all at the same time, well not the beta blockers and the wine at the same time). I don't know what to say, except we've just had to get on with it, what choice is there? We both accessed primary care mental health services, but that was worse than useless - go away and try mindfulness, that would never be advised to anyone facing violence from anyone other than their child and is completely inappropriate.

I'm not sure how helpful that is. I suppose really my advice would be to see if there are any groups in your area that can help your child regulate, if you can reduce the meltdowns you reduce the toll it takes on you and your child. Ours was run by Barnardo's but funded by the local council, and we had to be referred, but it lead to such an improvement in regulation and reduced meltdowns by maybe 90%, with the work school did helping as well. Feeling he's being listened to helps DS as well.

I lie to myself and tell myself, he has improved. There is a chance for further improvement. So I live in a world of hope.

I take a lot of long walks, especially when ex has the dc and school days.

Packed lunch has helped massively. A ridiculous amount. It had no business being so helpful. But it did.

Ds2 currently hate Mondays with a passion.

DS7 has meltdowns and gets sanctioned for violence towards us but over the years he has become less violent and just screams, cries, storms around and slams doors. I leave him alone until he is ready to come to me and I don’t try talking to him during a meltdown. As an autistic adult who also has meltdowns I find the worst thing is when someone tries to talk to me during a meltdown. I need to calm down in my own time as a meltdown is a total loss of control.

Calm the situation down and then I go scream into a pillow.

Ds is 10.

I have spent quite a few years - not in recent months, thank God - having one of my 7 year old daughters (both twins are AuDHD) bite, pinch, kick and punch/slap me, mainly at home, but sometimes in public.
So, I'm way past giving a fuck what people might thing.
Having said that, it massively took its toll on my already damaged mental and physical health and there were many times I wished I was dead.
Nowadays, things are much better, but my DC has been kicking furniture in school the past week or so and it sets me on edge, wondering if it's all going to start again. She's older now and, for a whippet thing child, very strong.

We do a lot of hugging. A meltdown normally makes her totally exhausted, can trigger a migraine, leaves her very emotional. I try to get her to a very quiet place (home if possible) and we sit and cuddle for a bit until she feels better. Then I get her a small snack and she has an hour's quiet. All this before I make any new demands.

It is awful. I completely empathise as I have also been through this. I think you try and make it as easy as possible on yourself. Can he go in later to avoid the feeling that there is an audience?

Its so hard op. One of my children had a big meltdown at the weekend. Didn't help my neighbour asking what was going on in my house. As if we don't find it hard enough without her sticking her beak in. No words of advice just to say you are not alone.

I stopped trying to make mine go to school.

No advice just solidarity. Every morning after school drop off I need to zone out and digest the trauma. DD seems completely unconcerned and goes about her day happily. Meanwhile I’m over here either sobbing in my office at work/in the car/at home or stress eating my feelings. Hugs!

It's exhausting and I am still struggling now after a tough morning. But the more you get into your head it's not there fault. Have you looked at low demand parenting? It's exhausting but this alongside reducing pressure in the morning so if she goes to school 30 mins late so what attitude has helped us all. As long as she doesn't get sight of a clock cos then she gets upset at the thought of being late.

The mental trauma after a meltdown was too much so I quit my job. It was too much to go into work after epic meltdowns, often late. Interestingly she's not had a meltdown in the morning since, which I think probably indicates I wasn't doing a great job of parenting and working.

I don't blame my daughter at all when she has a meltdown, it's a total loss of control on her part, it means she is very distressed. I can't separate my emotions from her distress at all though. I feel just horrendous when she is having a meltdown or is in the pre-meltdown stages. I wish I could. Some parents talk about their children's meltdowns very blithely, I don't know if they are putting it on or not, but I wish I could be a bit more like that.

It becomes part of life .

No point dealing with it at the time just do what you works to calm the situation down . We always talked about it later - what could be done differently .

i did the NVR course . It has helped me manage the aftermath better.

It’s hard - please don’t think of it as a walk of shame. Consider you did your best

My sons are 10 and both autistic with frequent meltdowns. I've come to accept that is just the way things are for us. It happens, they calm down, and we all move on. Violence, spitting, and damaging property will lead to a punishment. But when it's screaming, shouting, insults etc, I tend to let them get on with it because I know they don't mean it and they've temporarily lost any reasoning or control.

It does help to try and identify the triggers though. I recommend keeping a diary documenting the following; time, location, who was present, what the environment was like (noisy, quiet, busy, bright), what your child was doing just before the meltdown started, and was there any physical need not being met (tired, hungry, thirsty, wet, etc).

It seems like it comes out of the blue, but there will always be a reason for it. Something innocuous to us may well be triggering for them.Sometimes it's a sensory thing and sometimes it's because of. big emotions that they can't understand or articulate.

Have you asked your child why they felt that way? (When they've calmed down). What do they say?

My DS (7) isn't generally one for throwing things at people or hitting, but his meltdowns can be monumental. I've found that sitting v quietly nearby, making sure he's as safe as possible and waiting it out has been the best way of dealing with it. Calm talking or soothing noises (if he tolerates it - he doesn't always want anything like that). Gradually, he'll come out of it and edge closer, until he eventually comes to either lean against me or get on my knee. We have a cuddle and he likes his back to be stroked. Once he's ready to talk, he'll sometimes say what's triggered him, other times he'll talk about something else. I've found that not making a big thing of it, and being v aware of what may trigger him has helped a lot. Also, we talk through exactly what we're doing and I'll give time lines - for example, we used to have massive meltdowns at bed time, but I've found that giving him a 30 minute, 15 minute and 5 minute warning has pretty much got rid of those.

It can be exhausting and upsetting. And each child is different - I appreciate that what I go through is not as bad as others have. I think the public meltdowns are worse as you're painfully aware of others watching (and some judging). Just try to keep as calm as you possibly can and get a bit of time to regroup.