My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

Expecting the father to contribute fairly is not 'pitting the children against each other', what ridiculous logic. Do you think OP is meant to be a doormat who buys everything for their joint child, whilst also subsiding her partners child, as well as funding her own maternity leave? Is that your idea of fair?

If he isn't paying when you take her out by yourself, stop taking her out, or ask him for money before you go.

When you are out together, don't offer to pay.

He should be treating his daughter and if he doesn't want to or can't afford it, then you don't go.

clothes are essentials OP, £50 on clothes for you child is not excessive spending, sending them back to the other parents is just silly, but I'm assuming after spending twice you will both have a chat about what actually happens to clothes you have bought and agree to keep them at yours, it's mad not to.

actually buying baby stuff this early is not essential spending.. you don't have to buy things now at all, you could be putting that money in a savings account and asking him to match it over the next 2 months, the end result will be the same.

You aren't making allowances for his financial situation and he quite obviously doesn't have the money right now!.. getting furious and insisting he give you money he doesn't have is pointless, you will push him into more debt, for bloody eating out and cinema trips.. it's madness.

You should have had this out before you moved in together, all you can do now if you want this to work is to be understanding and ask him to be completely transparent, but you need to leave your judgement at the door.. if you've never been in debt or had to support a household/children by yourself you really have no clue what it is like to live month to month.

Op how long have you been with him?

If she needs clothes, drop her home to pick some up. The child support should be covering that aswell as the mothers half. If he wants to buy more clothes he should take her and pay out of his own pocket he's taking the mick.

People are still entirely missing the point.

What OP needs to focus on here is asserting her boundaries over their joint expenses- which should be shared equally.

How much her partner spends on his DD is his concern and OP should not be passing judgement on this.

If OP starts focusing on his spending on SDC and resenting it as the reason her baby is going without , it’s going to create a toxic dynamic and the baby isn’t even born yet.

Thats all I’ve been trying to say.

The op is a few weeks in to her pregnancy

and the unborn’s parents relationship is like….this

@Tandora it is excessive if that means he then can’t pay for the normal day to day cost of living and is relying on the OP….

Excessive is only excessive in relation to your income. And it sounds like her DP doesn’t have that spare income.
Or he is lying to her to avoid paying his due.

Not sure which is better or worse tbh.

It’s up to him what his DD needs in terms of clothes etc and to provide for that. Dont start passing judgement on what he spends on his DD- “excessive spending” or “unecessary” spending on his DSD - put that down.

Focus on your financial goals responsibilities and insist he shares them with you equally.

I don’t think you are being unfair at all.
He clearly isn’t financially savvy & has clearly got a lot of debt that he’s trying to keep from you. The problem with hiding it is that he hasn’t dealt with the issues that built that debt up. If there’s a debt charity involved, then it got bad.

Id be telling him that I simply couldn’t stay in a relationship where there was no trust & hiding financial information about himself is ringing alarm bells for you. Tell him you are imagining the worst and know he could have £100k of debt that he’s hiding from you. (Hopefully he’ll declare it’s nowhere near that & be more likely to share details)
He absolutely should have a percentage of his wage that is his to do with what he likes and not justify to anyone else. But only after everything else is paid.

I suspect he’s simply living beyond his means with his head in the sand.

Give him that ultimatum(and mean it). Make it clear, if you go, he has all of his household & child bills to pay himself in addition to another £300 child maintenance to you. Tell him you’d rather be a team and find a way through together, but if he insists on having secrets, you’ll be gone.

If he does provide details try not to judge, focus on finding a solution.

Good luck.

i also will not have company maternity pay, and only sat maternity pay, which will not cover my full outgoings each month. I have put money aside to top this up.

Has your DP also put money aside to cover ML?
Because as far as I’m concerned he is just as ‘responsible’ for the short fall from going on statutory maternity pay

What does this mean?

All this and you’re just weeks in to the pregnancy

depressing

Yu need to sit down, agree on a budget for which you’ll pay 50/50 (as your wages are normally the same). This will cover the cost for you, him and baby (yes even now because there are expenditures before the birth).
Then HE needs to decide how much he can afford to spend in his dd each month.
You both transfer the money at the start of the month on a joint bank account. Everything comes out from there then you have no calculations to do re laying fur outings etc… when you’re on your own with her.

It’s better if both of you can be fully open about your finances and outgoings as well as much you actually spend each month on various things. Your DP might well not be aware of the true costs and/or is overcompensating for the separation.
I think you also need a discussion in the rent. Yes you’re both profiteering from a lower rent. But I don’t quite get why it should be him paying and not you too

I never said you spent excessively?
I don’t think you are reading or understanding my posts.

(I do think it’s unusual that you are buying a load of stuff off fb/ vinted, clothes , nappies, wipe, cot
etc four months before the baby is born. I’ve never known anyone to do this personally- you’re barely half way through preg? But that’s beside the point, except that maybe your DP is of the standard view that these things can wait a few more months as baby doesn’t need anything yet).

Ok, actually I admit I agree with you here.

The fact that he’d have you back at work three months post-partum whilst he pisses away thousands a month should tell you everything you need to know.

Full financial transparency and you in charge of bills or you move back in with your mum. I’d love to know how this works out because I don’t know anyone who’d have given up time with their baby in the first year post-partum unless it was 100% necessary.

Ignore the people who can’t read or who are making up grudges and bitterness. You sound like a great stepmum and an over-obliging partner.

You should be splitting the bills and rent and pooling your money apart from eg £300 which you spend as you see fit. Dp for example spends it on dsd. .the baby is not here yet so not an issue at the moment. You need to sort the finances before the baby is born... It seems complicated at the moment and your not working together as a unit. Wonder if you baby going back to your parents.. Saying that I found the baby stage was the cheapest age and surprised you need to need to buy so much. There is nothing wrong with second hand by the way as must stuff for babies isnt used much...

Newmum770

If he refuses to be open about money or set aside a small amount, give him an end date, 2 weeks to start.

Go back to your parents.

They'll know you are upset living in this situation

Your first pregnancy is supposed to be stress-free.

Remember there is nothing wrong with used item's, You can find great items on the local free cycle page.

It's not a projection, and I haven't read incorrectly, you said it was 'agreed' that you wouldn't pay rent, because 'that hasn't changed when you moved in'.. while that is factually true.. IMO anyone who thinks like that is quite selfish in their thinking to be honest, the whole point of sharing your life with someone is to also share the burden.. you were both earning the same at that point, and I personally couldn't see my partner having to pay more just so that I could benefit from paying less.. it is personal opinion, but I think it quite universal when you are both earning the same, but he has more financial obligations.

so I covered all food all activities, all clothes, everything that was needed for the week, including keeping DSD fed watered and entertained.

I'm sorry but if you weren't there it is highly unlikely that he would have been spending all that on her the month after christmas, because he just doesn't have it, and she would have survived perfectly fine, you really are confusing essentials with luxuries.

You have chosen to spend all that on her knowing he can't afford to pay it back.. if she comes and says she needs clothes he will have to find the money for that (probably with more debt that he is trying to avoid), but don't send them back to her mums if you don't want to lose them!

There is not really a right and wrong here, but there is a massive difference in financial positions.. you think you can spend whatever you like and he should be able to instantly pay it back, but he is obviously in more of a precarious position then you are aware of.. no one should be planning a family without laying all this out on the table, and you seem to have skipped that very important part.

I know this sounds condescending and I actually don't mean it to be, it's a genuine question, have you ever lived on your own or supported a household on your own? You seem to not understand how someone could get into debt or not have any disposable income and have to live month to month? Once you start to acquire debt it is hard to get out of it and can become quite an embarassing / shameful thing to live with. Someone coming along with lots of disposable income and no understanding of what it takes to run a household, yet happy to spend money you don't have is not really helpful.