My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

@Newmum770 💐

Don't spend a lot of time trying to fix him.

Enjoy your pregnancy with your parents. If he wants things to work he'll organise himself. I wouldn't hold my breath.

It not about what he wants, it’s about what is best for you and the baby.

OP, he's a liar with debt and you are being used.
It's unfortunate that you are only realising this now you are pregnant.
Can you move back in with your parents?

Do that, save a deposit and move on with your life.
Liars with debt are losers.
He's treating you like a mug.
Protect yourself and move home and save, if your parents will allow it.
Don't marry this liar with debts.

@Claudiand I'm not sure I follow where you're going with that. No of course not, but I didn't ask him to nor put him in that position. We avoided that by having long, hard discussions about finances and responsibilities and taking things very slowly to be sure we were on the same page. As should everyone when there are children involved, either your own, step or half siblings.

My advice to the OP is that if this can't be addressed now satisfactorily, save yourself years of pain and split now.

Bravo OP, you’ve taken on board the good advice, ignored the idiots and have a solid plan for you and your baby. Best of luck.

he got a HUGE tax rebate and instead of paying off debt spent it all on enjoying life. Again something I recently found out.

So what are you going to do? He is unlikely to change.

You want him to think like you, which is sensible, not everyone is good with money.

Are you going to spend the next decade trying to change him? Would you change, if he wanted you be less concerned about money?

These are things that are obvious in the early days of a relationship, financial incompatibility is a huge issue.

So you know where the money’s going, on fees and charges, and debt, and “enjoying life” whilst you pick up the tab.

Once your baby arrives your priorities are going to switch so fast. If you want to keep your relationship you need to get this sorted immediately.

What were you buying? How old were you at the time?

You're not compatible.

On paper, we should have more than enough to survive month to month, money is like sand these day's.

It is early in your pregnancy and this is not helpful for anyone in the relationship.

Would your husband have been up for spending more than you did on your twins, and buying them clothes for their dad’s house, and working two jobs to afford to, and doing so to the detriment of his own child? Doubt it.

what was the big debt for?

So you got into debt and got extra jobs and moved back home to clear it.

Yet you don't seem to appreciate how someone without those options (because of having to provide for a child) could still be stuck in that endless cycle of debt?

I genuinely meant it when I said I didn't mean it as condescending, because you seem to be completely ignorant to the fact that he is obviously struggling financially, you seem to think he is pissing his money away, rather than choosing to give it to you.. but do you really think that is what is going on here??

After being in debt up to your eyeballs yourself surely you would be aware that this is what is happening, so why have you not had this conversation before moving in and starting a family?

Hmm. I have a slightly different take on this but with a similar conclusion that DP's behaviour is a red flag.

For context, I have adult twins. They were 4 months old when I left their father. I stayed single until they were 6 years old then met my now DH. They barely met him for the first year then he started staying over a bit more from 7 onwards and eventually we all moved in together when they were 8. We both owned our own houses, sold and pooled our resources, with a trial run at my place first.

Before that trial run we had a conversation about money and responsibility. I told him that while I loved him and wanted him in my life, I didn't need him and my DC came first. They deserved more than to feel like baggage in their own home, only tolerated because they came with me as part of the package. Therefore, if he moved in we were doing it as a family, with him taking on all the financial, practical and emotional consequences that came with being a parent. All household-related bills would be 50/50 including food, days out, and holidays. Fuck itemising my children's'cost'. Collecting dc from football or swimming would be split fairly etc. we would be a proper family unit. I did not expect him to love them but I expected him to play the part of dad as willingly as if he'd signed up to having kids in the first place - because that's exactly what he was doing by agreeing to move in. While I knew it was above and beyond, I wouldn't tolerate any less if he was moving in. I told him I was quite happy with him NOT signing up to those things because it was a huge ask and completely reasonable for him to run away screaming from it. But I would not accept any less for my DC in their own home where they deserve to feel always cherished and never a burden so if he didn't want to do it we would continue to date while living separately.

Many years later we're still together, happy and the grown up DC love him. Precisely because he didn't quibble about DC that weren't biologically his and accepted them as part of his family. For context, I've been a step parent too and never begrudged a penny spent on any of the children.

The SD never asked to be dragged into this complicated world of adult relationships and finances. She certainly doesn't need to pick up on undercurrents of financial resentment.

However, I still think the DP bears the culpability here. He should have forced this conversation before fathering another child and is showing red flags here. Seems like he thinks 50/50 means he only pays whatever he feels like. I suspect OP will end up paying for everything.

I wish you all the best OP and I really hope you can make your partner see sense and you can work towards a stable financial future together.

I fear that given the options of splitting and living at your mum’s with the baby where you can stay home with him/her for longer, or staying with your partner who expects you to get straight back to work to pay for him and his kid as well as everything for your baby, you’re going to make the sensible choice of the former.

Makes perfect sense to me as to why you’re buying baby stuff now - you’re anxious because you know he’s not going to support you when he should. It doesn’t sound like he’s acting maliciously, but foolishly. But the outcome is the same.

all you can do now if you want this to work is to be understanding and ask him to be completely transparent,

@sandyhappypeople or maybe now that he is becoming a father for the second time, he needs to pull his socks up and ensure he can actually financially look after his unborn baby.
Why is that it’s always the woman’s fault and always put to the woman to ‘be understanding’ and never about men taking their responsibilities as a parent and partner???

Because on the other thread that I was on, and didn’t realise op had two on the go, op said baby due “end of the year”

either way… 4 months pregnant and the parents like this. No hope

Oh OP it sounds like a bit of a mess and I’m sorry - this is the last thing you need whilst pregnant and being made redundant.

Having read your updates I think it’s good news that he’s willing to have some joint accounts with you - you didn’t specify if this would include a “baby fund” or not. But I think as other PPs have said the fact that he isn’t willing to be completely transparent re finances is such a massive red flag that it would make me reconsider things. If this is not tackled head on before baby comes it will be likely to rest it’s head when you’re both sleep deprived / tired / hormonal and there really is a chance the relationship could get worse so I would urge you to not accept him just deciding that he will not speak to you about this - but also prepare yourself for the worst.

Whilst it sounds like you do have a good financial head on your shoulders it does sound like decisions are being made individually and you need to work more as a team. For eg - when DSD comes to spend time - it’s not acceptable for her to come without clothes. If this does happen she gets the most basic of clothes to wear from Primark that can be washed until she goes back and you keep them at your house so it doesn’t happen again next time. Surely a conversation can be had DSD mother re this. Also whilst DSD is there you limit your outgoings - she can’t have everything she wants and it would appear that you can’t afford for her to be doing all these expensive things. Surely there’s some cheaper activities you can do with her or she can pick one that she likes and you can do together.

Similarly as other PPs have touched on a joint discussion can be had re what is urgent to be bought for baby now. Clearly he’s in a lot of debt. I understand you wanting to feel prepared, nesting is a real thing but unfortunately he can’t contribute to what he hasn’t got. So perhaps things like baby gate / high chair / cot which can be expensive are not needed for 1st 6 months can be purchased later on when he has more cash around and you can focus on the must haves for baby like things you will need for hospital bag first couple of weeks. I do agree that even a token offering of something towards the baby would be nice but I suspect he is not doing this because he genuinely doesn’t have the money not because he maliciously wants to chose one child over the other.

I hope you can get to the bottom of it but I’m glad you’ve got some seperate savings as it sounds like he may be in some trouble. Good luck x

That I agree with.
The OP needs to be very clear about what she is happy to pay or not.
And about her DP share for the baby’s expenditures.

However, how much he is spending is becoming her problem when
1- she is paying for a lot of it and he doesn’t repay her
2- how much he can ‘afford’ to put in the kitty for common expenses is dictated by how much he spends on his dd.

Now I agree it should be the other way around. But I’m pretty sure tgis us how the discussion will go when the OP finally raise it properly. ‘Oh but I can’t pay that much because I’m spending so much on dd what with the CM and her needing stuff when she is with us’.

I think OP is 4 plus months, not sure where you got a few weeks from