My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

How long have you been with him op?

I have also been in a situation where I had a LOT of debt and got myself out of it by not burying my head in the sand. And admitting to myself and others what was really going on.
i moved back in with family members so i could save for a bit after pissing my money down the drain on rent.

so when someone shouts a LOT, I assume it was a big debt. You have clarified it wasn’t.

and given you said about moving back home straight after admitting to yourself you had a debt problem… again I assumed that this was how you dealt with the debt

I missed how long you’d been with this prince Op?

I know.

i was asking because i imagine he throws it back at the op in any and every debt discussion

Also regarding the clothes situation;

1.Try to send DSD back in the clothes she came in if possible
2.He needs to stop spending on brand new stuff and look at bundles on vinted;it's so much more economical

I have also been in a situation where I had a LOT of debt and you moved back home in order to be able to pay it off.

which did rather give the impression that it was a big debt 🤷

@Bestthriller OP's debt is clear, gone, done, in the past.

Sharing it won't make a bit of difference to the situation.

I am sure OP has no issues disclosing her past debt, it most likely hasn't come up, the past is the past.

Theres currently big financial red flags with your partner.

Has he been completely transparent with regarding his incomings and out goings?

Does he secretly have debts eg credit cards or a secret gambling habit?

If he's struggling to afford bits toward the baby he's expecting with you then it's time for him to pick up extra work whether that be overtime or some additional casual work elsewhere.

Its a thing on MN....Most married couples don't have "my own money" it's shared funds.

Except they were wrong about lots of things

So, what are you going to do if he refuses? And how are you going to know if he's truly revealing 'all'? He's lied to you before making you think he was financially solvent, then you come to find he's in debt enough to need a debt charity/business to sort out a repayment plan for him. And most of all, how are you ever going to be able to trust him going forward? The very last thing you want is financial ties with a spendthrift or someone who is cagey about their finances. So don't ask for completely joint finances. And even if you do a 'joint expenses account' you can expect him to 'cry poor' at times and you'll have to cover his share. And I wouldn't buy a property with anyone like that, either.

As far as DSD, if you don't want to 'pay for her', then stop. If she needs something, tell DP "Sissy needs XX" and back away. If she wants entertaining tell DP "Sissy would like to go to the cinema this weekend. I'll pay for myself of course, but her ticket will be XX". If he grouses you turn to Sissy and say "Sorry, sweetheart, no cinema for us this weekend, Dad is a little short". Because that's exactly what you should be saying to your child when then time comes.

Part of the problem with what you've been doing on outings is that you're spending what you like without consulting him, then just expecting him to 'pony up'. if you do take her out on her own, keep it to what you feel comfortable with paying for on your own. McD instead of a 'sit down' lunch. A walk in the park instead of a trip to the mall. Or a stroll through the mall prefaced by "We're only window shopping today, sweetie". This, too, is what most parents have had to do at one time or another. Lord knows I have, back in the day!

As far as the new baby, again, you're making unilateral decisions on what to buy then basically presenting him with a bill for his share. You need to include him in the decisions before you make a purchase. If he says he can't pay for it or refuses to discuss, then it's up to you whether or not you truly need to purchase it right now or if you can say "Fine, we can hold off on this until you can pay your share".

When it comes to the rental, if you split he'll stay in his relative's cheap rental and you'll be looking to rent elsewhere. When I split from my exH we were renting from friends of my grandparents, also way below market rent. I told him to get out and he refused saying I needed to leave. I asked him who he thought would be evicted if it came to it, him or me. He realized that I certainly wouldn't be the one asked to leave by our landlord, so he left. I kept the rental at the same rent. I'd expect the same in your situation.

Where I’m heading?
His severe debt is a central point of your OP (well actually it’s a very poor relationship that is now bringing a baby in to the world) and so I was wondering whether he was aware of your history of severe debt.

I am guessing he isn’t averse to throwing this back at you in any discussions regarding his debt?

Does your partner know about this?

It’s a hard road @Newmum770 but the right one in the long run.

On the top of what you’ve listed, Id include a discussion in how to manage money. Because it will actually dictate how he will behave in the future if/when things get tight again. Either on his side or on yours - aka what does he think is going to happen when you’re on ML? Who is going to pay fur what and does he expect you to still put the same amount on the table as before even though you dint have the money?

I entirely agree with this post.

Absolutely nailed everything.

Okay. Just finished reading all of your posts and enough of the responses to see which way the shit was rolling.

The mumsnet massive heard "no rent" and lost their collective shit, ignored everything else you've said and started making stuff up and chucking derogatory allegations based on supposition, didn't they? I couldn't be arsed to read any more of their invented ignorant crap OP but I'm certain it happened.

If normal patterns hold true, you mostly got the one-eyed, single track minded (property/rent/morgage) dyslexic misogynistic goat response.

So, here's a response from someone who was listening to ALL you said.

He is using you as cash cow and free childcare. He is a liar with special attention to being deceptive over money. He can't even pay full price for his own housing, to the tune of his family covering two thirds of the market rent and you paying half the bills (I suspect it's more than half and is much more than you've actually taken into account), more than your share of the entertainment budget, ALL the food and paying for his child.

If you carry on down this path, he is going to use you up, spit you out and fuck off with at least half the value of the house you've paid the majority in to.

You've got your suspicions of this already, I can tell, but you've just about still got your blinders on because you are in love with the idea of this lovely little family life together that you are imagining. He's not going to provide it my financially responsible friend, at least not in the long term. You've said yourself his mask has started to slip in the last couple of months, as is what usually happens when these future faking fuckers sense you being trapped in his orbit by a new baby. If it's going to happen, it's usually during the first pregnancy. Is that what happened with his ex and is why she's making him cough up for extra clothes for DSD, or thinks she is because she doesn't know you are the one paying, by keeping all the new clothes at her home.

He's no good. He's up to no good.

Run and if you can't run, beware.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I'm more interested in your welfare, and that of your baby, than his.

In fairness, people do this OP, I have two close family members (completely unrelated to each other) who both did this, always lived month to month, never had any disposable income.. heavily in debt, they got a payout for something and literally pissed it all away on the things they never got to enjoy usually, one payout was massive and within two years it was all gone with nothing to show for it.

I think the mindset is they could pay it off and still be in the same position servicing debt or they could enjoy things for themselves and their kids for once and still be servicing the debts.. to them it makes no difference, the end result is mostly the same.

I don't actually agree with that mindset and have been in debt too and worked three jobs and lived in poverty to get out of it.. but I understand completely how easy it is to rely on debt for day to day living, how embarrassing it can be and how easy it is to bury your head in the sand.

When I met my DH he was in debt too, after living alone and spending on whatever he wanted he didn't really think about how it could effect him in the future, we worked hard for about a year, we moved things around, came up with a plan and he cleared his debt, he got his credit score back on track and he's never looked back, but he needed that initial help to get a grip on it, otherwise he would have been paying interest on debt for years.

The debt for me wasn't necessarily an issue, but I would never have moved in without complete transparency about finances and future planning, we did 50/50 on absolutely everything and when one of us has a hard time the other is there to pick up the slack, which is as it should be IMO.. if he started saying I owed him money for x,y and z, while I was paying for a, b and c I'd resent it.

You don't seem to have started off on an equal partnership at all, and now there is complete confusion about who is supposed to be paying for what, and what you should be spending on non essentials each month, you really do need to sit down with full transparency and work out what you are both happy with, it's a bit late so you both need to be more patient and understanding of each others point of view, and see if you can make it work.

Bless you OP. It’s really easy to give the whole “LTB” line from the safety of a keyboard but much harder to be brave enough to do so when it’s your life and your suddenly and unexpectedly facing the possibility of being a single parent. You’re being very brave here and I hope you have people IRL you can talk to who will support you.

I truly hope the ultimatum given is the kick up the arse he needs to realise he can’t just bury his head in the sand and play poker with your families finances. I truly cannot see how you can plan a life together and how you can play the stepmother role without resentment when you don’t have complete transparency.

wishing you all the best