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Original poster

My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

439 replies

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 09:32

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

OP posts:
ButIToldYouSoooo · 11/02/2025 17:43

MissDeborah · 11/02/2025 17:42

I think I'm reading a different thread to other people
Op pays a figure plus the food shopping which they agreed on
He has undisclosed amounts of debt
She is paying for stuff for DSD as he is always broke and has not contributed a single PENNY towards things for the new baby .
And people are saying awwww bekind
WTAF!!
He's using you Op, it will just get worse !

Yes! This! 100%

MissDeborah · 11/02/2025 17:42

I think I'm reading a different thread to other people
Op pays a figure plus the food shopping which they agreed on
He has undisclosed amounts of debt
She is paying for stuff for DSD as he is always broke and has not contributed a single PENNY towards things for the new baby .
And people are saying awwww bekind
WTAF!!
He's using you Op, it will just get worse !

EmeraldShamrock000 · 11/02/2025 17:40

*Dear lord

I’m asking whether this pretty appalling partner uses this information against the op*

@Bestthriller you're itching to trip the OP up on something.

Obviously he doesn't use the information against her, he doesn't know.

At least own your agenda.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 11/02/2025 17:38

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 12:59

Just an update
he’s agreed to joint accounts (more so joint Monzo pots - which I’m happier to do than an actual joint account based on the financial situation)
but isn’t willing to be fully transparent about accounts… he is going through a debt charity to help work through this debts
however I’m just not convinced this is the reason, I feel like I’m going to unravel more than he’s let on about this

FFS, cut your losses and move back to where you were living before, with family!

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 17:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Really? Because I’ve had a lot of really helpful advice or guidance from a lot of people who were able to engage in the full conversation and questions asked by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 17:32

@Hwi I’ve never said I don’t want DC1? I do my fair share of looking after DSD but should I have to financially contribute so much when I don’t have a contribution (of even £10) for my DP DC2…. No

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 17:29

@Trumptonagain nope not married
Well i agree these are my thoughts on our current relationship. Married - I may have completely different views on what our split looks like
Currently i do not have a dependent, and DP DD has two parents who are contributing to her outgoings to the agreement they have made

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 11/02/2025 17:29

Total financial transparency is needed, or the relationship os doomed...

Hwi · 11/02/2025 17:28

babyproblems · 11/02/2025 12:09

Honestly I hate these kind of threads. You chose to be with someone who already has a child. And it’s only one child! Just be kind hearted. I think it’s miserly to refuse to pay when you’re all together and really she is your family. You don’t get to have her dad without having her. If you don’t want to really be in a family with her, you’d be better off finding a man who doesn’t already have a child. I just think it’s really nasty and mean and immature. I think just pay whatever needs paying and don’t overthink it. You’re turning it into a ‘vs’ situation, which is absolutely isn’t. Accept you chose someone with a child and accept that child comes as part of the family package now.

This. A million times over. Bravo!

Glassofeau · 11/02/2025 17:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 17:22

@Moonnstars
thank you - everything you have advised here regarding outgoing and incoming and having visibility with what is going on is something I’ve suggested multiple times with little help.
The first time I wasn’t given the right figure.. AT ALL. But i will try again

its a huge wage and something i know first hand as i know the outgoings I pay (at one point i probably was over doing it on my outgoing payments but I still had loads left over)
there are months I’ve had to pay £500 towards things on top of my bills and STILL had loads left over

Yes I’ve always taken it as a compliment but it’s he clothes spending etc is taking the mick a bit at the moment. I think DC has always been very used to me having a large disposable income, and probably has been spoilt (in hindsight) but my priorities and disposable income have now changed.

OP posts:
HiptotheHopp · 11/02/2025 17:21

Trumptonagain · 11/02/2025 17:17

OP are you married?

I ask because your DH should have explained how much you were expected to contribute towards your DSD pre marriage and you in return have your say.

If you're not married who exactly nominated you to be in anyway financially responsible for a child that your boyfriend and his Ex bought into the world.

Obviously she is not married

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 11/02/2025 17:18

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 16:59

Dear lord

I’m asking whether this pretty appalling partner uses this information against the op

Show quote history

Is that why MNHQ deleted your post?

Trumptonagain · 11/02/2025 17:17

OP are you married?

I ask because your DH should have explained how much you were expected to contribute towards your DSD pre marriage and you in return have your say.

If you're not married who exactly nominated you to be in anyway financially responsible for a child that your boyfriend and his Ex bought into the world.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 17:14

@Bestthriller
dear me took me a while to sift through everything

All this and you're just weeks in to the pregnancy
depressing

The op is a few weeks in to her pregnancy
and the unborn's parents relationship is like.... this

either way... 4 months pregnant and the parents like this. No hope

what was the big debt for?

What were you buying? How old were you at the time?

I’m still awaiting helpful advice from any of your posts or questions

But have a lovely evening

OP posts:
MissDeborah · 11/02/2025 17:12

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 16:55

@Uberella thank you! I think we can definitely start with that. I’m just thinking the day after she arrives I can wash her arrival clothes, ready for when she is dropped back

shes 15 so it’s harder from a Vinted side as she wants everything new and I would refuse Vinted items

Why would you wash her clothes?
She's 15
Either she or her dad can wash them?

Moonnstars · 11/02/2025 17:11

I can see why you are concerned. There are worrying signs throughout, he is paying rent on a house that is well below market rate (I wonder if family are aware of his debts hence this arrangement). He has debts, but isn't very forthcoming in the extent of these or the amount. He won't share with you his full financial circumstances.
On paper you should have more than enough money earning £6000 between you! As a family we have less than half of that and manage.
He needs to be completely honest about where his money goes.
I definitely wouldn't be buying a house with this man and also I wonder whether the mortgages you might be accepted on would be affected by his debts. I also think it is risky you staying there as if there was any family fall outs there is no formal agreement about you being there.
I agree he does need to consider the new baby items despite what others say and put some money aside for this. I think you need a proper budget of rent, bills, food, phone, subscription services, CMS, etc and include savings for baby (even if only £50 a month). I think he needs a full breakdown of living costs and to then also work out his outgoings to see where it is going so wrong.

I am surprised his teenage daughter wants to go on days out with you at that age, I was expecting a younger kid. Is she trying to guilt you both into buying her lots because you are having a baby and she feels left out?
I would not be buying her new clothes constantly, at that age she should have pocket money (coming from the child maintenance money as that is what it helps contribute for, costs of the child) and any spends she wants needs to come from that. She sounds like she is taking the mic getting you to take her shopping and buy her lots of things.

MissDeborah · 11/02/2025 17:08

LoveWine123 · 11/02/2025 12:33

Good lord OP, you are having a child with someone who is in debt, can’t afford his current child and expenses and doesn’t sound he can afford his new baby. He can’t even afford his expenses considering his rent is way lower than market value. I would NOT be joining my finances with a man like this and would frankly be leaving and expecting him to pay child support for the baby. Hiding your financial affairs from your partner is not normal. Get rid of him and go back to your parents until you are able to save for a house. Your own house. And do not ever again have babies with men who are hiding things from you. You have put yourself in quite a vulnerable position.

Absolutely this
He's using you to pay his debts off!
Bin

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 17:00

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 16:58

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne i do pity people like this, because it must take doing an awful lot of nothing in their spare time to leave room to be so invested in spending a large proportion of a day continuously spitting hate on a forum.

Edited
Show quote history

Op what on earth???! This is directed at me?

ill leave you to it. There’s not one single post of mine that could possibly be described like this 🙄

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2025 16:59

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:56

@Tandora thats not correct at all, I’m not standing here and demanding he pay me £300 towards the baby

I’m asking with the money he’s saying he doesn’t have, but must do, if he is willing to spend £110 on a child clothes in January. Just after an awful lot was bought, clothing included for Christmas…
If he could pay his way towards baby bits

He's probably put it all on a CC and added to his debt

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 16:59

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 11/02/2025 16:55

It's not nice to attack people on here.

Show quote history

Dear lord

I’m asking whether this pretty appalling partner uses this information against the op

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 16:58

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 11/02/2025 16:55

It's not nice to attack people on here.

Show quote history

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne i do pity people like this, because it must take doing an awful lot of nothing in their spare time to leave room to be so invested in spending a large proportion of a day continuously spitting hate on a forum.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 11/02/2025 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's not nice to attack people on here.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 16:55

@Uberella thank you! I think we can definitely start with that. I’m just thinking the day after she arrives I can wash her arrival clothes, ready for when she is dropped back

shes 15 so it’s harder from a Vinted side as she wants everything new and I would refuse Vinted items

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 16:51

@Bestthriller sorry but you’ve been absolutely no help with any of your responses, so I’m stopping the conversation here. What you have been doing is fishing for more information to attack

OP posts: