My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

I know.
He deliberately lied.
He thinks you are caught.
Tell family the truth.
This type of addiction thrives in secrecy.
This is his shame, not yours.
You have tried to be a decent person.

Gamblers are liars to their core and they only drag people down.

Your baby needs you to be strong for it.
You don't owe anyone rlse anything.

Go to your parents with a bag, as much as you can grab.
Cease paying ANYTHING towards that house.

I am so sorry but it is over if you have an ounce of self preservation.
Give your baby its best start.

He really isn't it.
Keep posting.
We are here for you.

Oh I’m so sorry OP. Pack a bag and get out of there for a few days. Don’t even consider coming back unless he’ll be fully transparent and give you full control of the finances indefinitely. What a shame.

Advice is pack a bag and get the hell out of there.

A gambler🙄and a liar with debts.
He will put you and your child into the gutter whilst you pay for everything including both his children.

He has deliberately misled you.
He is scum.

Pack a bag if you have an ounce of sense.

Its over.

He lies, hides things, makes you pay for well more than your fair share proportionally, including expenses for his daughter, and only now do you find out he's got a gambling problem, too?

And it is a problem.

Why on earth are you not packing your things instead of looking for the needle in a haystack reason to stay? He will drag you down with him.

I have no experience with dealing with a gambling problem but he mentioned debt charities?

If he was telling the truth and not just trying to fob you off so you’d stop questioning him then I would assume if it has got to that point then it’s likely he has (or will soon get some) missed payment markers, defaults and maybe even CCJs. This will obviously have a big impact on you should you stay together, as a house (ownership or even rental) will not be doable with his name anywhere near any applications.

You're probably very shocked and stressed right now but it’s something you should consider, just because of your earlier comments about your baby and where you would want to live.

You are in a good place financially, you can do this on your own. Whatever you decide please don’t let him take you down with him.

100% this

So sorry OP and sending you virtual hugs. Thank God you’ve found out now and not months / years down the line. Whatever you chose to do, you will be fine x

No a gambler will never change. Certainly not if he doesn’t even have a problem with it snd even, tragically, if he doesn’t. Its a very serious addiction and the UK is in a major crisis over it.

With the best will in the world you can not rehabilitate this man. Just cut your losses. Move home, have your baby, and cut him out of your life as a romantic partner. You deserve better than this liar, user, and incompetent man. You and your child deserve love and care from responsible adults. Maybe you can’t get that with him but if you leave you have time and space to give that to your child. He can learn he has one reliable, main parent and, long term, perhaps a loving stepfather. Because this poor dc’s biological father is going to go down the tubes eventually.

@Newmum770 It is a huge burden to continue carrying, he has made a fool of you constantly lying.

Walk away.

@Newmum770

Help for a partner who gambles? There is no 'help' you can give. As with any addiction he has to want help and get it for himself and on his own. If he wants help there is Gamblers Anonymous.

This is from AA but it applies:

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

@Newmum770 Gambling is an addiction like any other. Really tough to get out but ressources online where he can find help. I hope he does but being a child of a gambling father (which caused the divorce btw my parents) I'm not very optimistic. First step is for him to be 100% transparent about his debt. Then come up with a plan on how to repay debt while making sure not to get into more. He needs to talk to someone about this but he needs to be 100% open with debts and current spending for you to believe that he wants to stop gambling.

You need to go home for a few days and clear you head. And then make your plans for you and the baby. I am so sorry it will be stressful whilst pregnant.

Newmum770 A debt charity, gambling, hiding bank statements, excessively spending, he is my worst nightmare as a partner.

What a mess, the sooner you leave the better.

@Newmum770

I have been upfront with what me and DSD are up to, he’s well within his right to say no or say can you keep the cost down but he hasn’t as he’s frivolously happy to spend my money and not consider paying anything towards it.

Of course he's happy for you to spend your money. What would really piss me off even more is that he feels he's entitled to have you spend your money whilst he does whatever with his.

What I'm saying though is get the costs up front or don't do whatever it is you were planning to get up to unless you accept that you're paying for it yourself. And that goes for the new baby as well as DSD. Don't wait for him to complain or ask to keep the costs down, because again, by saying 'we are doing' or 'I am going to buy' and him not specifically objecting he's saying 'this is all on you'. His attitude is that unless you specifically say "This is what it will cost YOU so pony up" then he can go his merry way. You see where I'm coming from? He's never going to volunteer to give you money. Do you really want to live with that?

As far as buying a house together, I'd be very cautious. I wouldn't put one pence more into a down payment than he did. With or without a legal document setting things out. And you can probably look forward to a lifetime of either paying for everything needed yourself (repairs, updating, decorating, etc) or deferring it whilst you try to get blood out of that turnip. And if things did go belly up, you can bet he'll try to come out ahead on the equity, so you better keep scrupulous records of 'who paid for what' when it comes down to the legal squabbling.

And don't get me started on who he'll think should pay for childcare. Because if he's like a lot of men, he'll think you should pay for it as it 'enables you to work', not realizing that it enables HIM to work too.

I know I sound like a 'doomsayer'. But I think you're being cautiously overly optimistic about his willingness to change or to shoulder more equitable finances.

@Glassofeau I may have read wrong but believe she said 15

@Newmum770 I wouldn't be suprised if 15 year old DSD is having you both on re clothes- basically playing on dad's nature. Teens aren't always known for their honesty and yet many want new stuff constantly

I appreciate many on here think kids can do no wrong, are never manipulative and should get everything they ask for at all times.

I've read through all of your comments Op. What I find sad is that when you talk about your baby it's very clear that the responsibility for their care and costs will be all yours. You talk about you will have support from people, you will use your savings pot to get through maternity leave, you are buying the things you need when your baby arrives... I don't think I've seen you one talk about what 'we' will be doing to support the family when the baby arrives.

Yes, you've set up a bit of a financial arrangement, but you had to take responsibility for doing that and push him to take part. You're also taking far too much responsibility for sorting out his sad financial situation, while he just sits back and lets you.

I see no partnership here, and really feel for you having been in a similar situation in the past.
I say again - stop spending money on his daughter, save it for your new baby.

Currently i do not have a dependent

Not saying you shouldn't buy your DP's DD a few clothes or have a day out but it should be of your choosing as to how much and when, it's not something that should be expected of you.

Granted, you don't have a dependent yet but it won't be long before you do and a majority of your money, once all the bills have been paid should be spent on your's and your own DC needs first.

Will your DP's ex be spending out for your DC?

Put a stop/cut back on spending so much... your DP and his Ex will have to find another way of funding their DD's life style.

Please please don't blend your finances with him Op
He will drag you down and get you into debt,ruin your credit rating and your life

He's a walking 🚩