My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

No, Love. You don't need to talk to his mum or dad. It's in their vested interest to keep you where you are. Because chances are they know a bit about his history with money and that if you aren't there to 'cover him' he'll land up on their doorstep asking them to bail him out.

You need to talk to someone who will support you. Someone who will have your best interests at heart and who will help you sort things in your head and come up with the best outcome for you and your baby. But TBH, I think you already know what that is.

I get that this is agonizing. You had a dream and a plan for your life and now it's falling to pieces. But there can be new plans and even better dreams for you. But you have to let go of the broken ones before you can embrace the new ones.

So he wants you to play mummy to him with his wsges.
So you will have 3 children to look after.
He takes responsibility for fxxk all.
He won't even give you the full figure.

It could be in the tens of thousands.

Is this the life you want?
3 children, doing and paying for it all while this loser lets you.

As for the positive gambling story.
Don't make me laugh.
For every positive one there are dozens and dozens of absolute horror stories.

I know up close as my friends sister found out her husband gambled their entire pension fund of 100's 100's of thousands over 25 years.

She has a teaching pension. That is the only reason she has anything.
They had to sell their magnificent home.
She is in a tiny 2 bed, but she has her pension. She's one of the lucky ones.

She never knew. He had a well paid job.
Her entire fine inheritance was invested in their beautiful home that was sold to clear all the morgages and loans he had. She got the price of a tiny apartment.

I wouldn't ever trust a gambler.

https://gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

It's up to you what your next steps are but I would give him this and tell him to sort his life out for your babies sake.

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/talk/?gad_source=1

I agree that it's absolutely pointless, your talking to his parents.
They already know that their son is a gambling addict.
They'll view you as a stabilising influence on him, and they'll be very upset if they discover that you intend to move out and abandon him.

They will try to persuade you to stay.
They will not be on your side - or the baby's.

You need to get away @Newmum770

I realise that this has been a terrible shock to you but you need to get disentangled from him.

You especially need to make sure that your finances are immediately separated from his.

Check that he hasn't taken out any loans or credit cards in your name, as a matter of urgency.

This bears repeating.

Dear OP just get to a minimum safe distance as soon as you can. You are a vulnerable, pregnant woman who has just had a bomb detonated near her (essentially) and your ears are ringing and you are dazed and confused.

You feel like you need to talk to someone—like his parents—but that is just the confusion talking. I can assure you that they know he is gambling—that is why the family is subsidizing his housing because they don’t want him to be homeless or couch surfing with them. Of course they see you as having a stabilizing egfect on their wayward lad. But you weren’t put on this earth to give this bad boy his walks and treats and pay his vet bills while he chases the sheep and rolls in shit. He is their dog not yours.

Pack a bag and leave. If he wants to fight fir you and the relationship he will go to a gambling group and work out a plan of action. He will get himself under control and stop taking handouts from family and start taking responsibility for his two children and gf. He won’t do all that, of course—but he can. So walk away until he proves himself. You lose nothing that is yours with this approach. He is either capable right now of self reform or he isn’t. Give him a cause to fight for and leave.

I thought I could change a gambler. I took control of his wages. I paid all bills and rent. I sorted everything financial.

His addictive personality just filled the gambling void with something else.

I carried the emotional and mental load of sorting everything out financially and the hyper vigilance of watching to see for old (and then new) habits.

Please, please just leave. I promise he will ruin your life.

I don't say this lightly.... I regret my own choices so deeply.

Is your mum nearby? Could you ring or go round?

Oh gosh Op !

Please please get away from him
He has a cheek saying he will give you control of his wages.
It won't work , he needs to get professional help

It will end up with you taking responsibility and he becomes nastier and nastier as he resents you.
He will beg, borrow and steal to fund his addiction and you will be dragged down.

Deep breaths, close the Monzo account and remove any other stuff you both have access to.
Change all passwords/pins if you think he knows them
Get Experian/ Credit score checks and run it to check he's not borrowing in your name.
Experian you can lock it so that no one can take stuff out in your name .
Go back to your parents and leave him
He will beg, be better blah blah but put yourself and your baby first
He had the chances to put you first and didn't
Gambling comes first , its always the same

I'm not surprised you're feeling poleaxed. It's a lot to absorb.

As a matter of interest OP, does your partner have a credit card, if so, why not ask him to get a second one on the account in your name, and agree that you will only use it if it's necessary for your to buy anything for DSD. That way, you can take her shopping if necessary, and put the items on the credit card, so that he pays for her stuff when the bill comes in.

RTFT. The man is an addicted gambler.
The OP needs to get away.

The fact that you said that when you were first considering moving in, you 'asked for a financial breakdown of the outgoings and it was always brushed under the carpet', leads me to think that your partner is not easy to talk money with OP. This might have been OK when it was just the two of you (and DSD), but now that you are having a baby together, you need to be able to talk about anything and EVERYTHING, without either of you making the conversation difficult. Money is all too often the thing that causes difficulties in a relationship, and I can never understand why people would get together without having a full and frank discussion on how you both feel about money, ie, if one is a saver and one a spender, how will you deal with it to make things fair?

As a matter of interest OP, does your partner have a credit card, if so, why not ask him to get a second one on the account in your name, and agree that you will only use it if it's necessary for your to buy anything for DSD. That way, you can take her shopping if necessary, and put the items on the credit card, so that he pays for her stuff when the bill comes in.

Oh Lord.
That's shocking.
No wonder the man doesn't spend his own money on his DD, never mind the baby which is on the way.

I'm so sorry, OP.

You need to pull the plaster off very quickly, and get away.

Get yourself set up alone, elsewhere, in preparation for the birth of your baby. Get ready to be a single parent.

I have a lot of experience with addiction. The addict always puts their dependence/substance first. That is their priority, regardless of any other supposed obligations or responsibilities. Even their children.

I daresay you can be sure he will. And do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to make sure he isn't gambling? Having to poke and prod into everything and him fighting you every step of the way? Having to worry about him getting credit cards or loans you know nothing about and, God forbid, also doing so in your name or the name of your child? I wouldn't. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

The father of a friend of DH's (I'll call him 'Bob') developed a gambling habit in his later years. It started off small and then ballooned. Bob and his wife 'Sue' went from a financially secure retirement to having ZERO. He gambled it all away and forged her signature on a mortgage on their then mortgage free home. 'Sue' had no idea until she ran across a letter about an overdrawn bank account. They didn't have separate finances, but she had 'trusted' him all their lives to manage their money. After some digging she found out his debts were enormous and that he owed money to some shady characters. Bob begged her to say nothing assuring Sue that he'd 'win it all back'. She told their adult kids who, after legal consultation, basically forced her to file for a divorce for her own financial safety. All along Bob kept begging her not to 'do anything' because he just needed one 'lucky day'. In the divorce he accepted all liability for his gambling debt but they had to sell a business property so the new mortgage could be cleared. He signed the house over to her. They remained together (old and married over 50 years) but the house was in her name and they had separate bank accounts. Did he quit gambling after having to sign away everything he worked for and being shamed and disgraced in front of his children and grandchildren? Did he fuck! Bob kept gambling, but at least Sue had a secure home and her own retirement income, supplemented by her children.

Gambling ruins lives in ways that alcohol and drugs don't. It brings financial ruin in ways that alcohol and drugs don't.

Listen, is there somewhere you can go for a week or so? To a friend or to family where you can be in a supportive environment to think things through? You need to be away from him to make your decisions and your plans.

Now is the time to cut your losses and move on. He has hidden finances, lied to you and not looked after his unborn child and his partner (you). Lied repeatedly and for years. He also has a gambling problem. Nothing good will come out of this so get out and focus on your baby. Let him deal with his own mess.

But OP's partner has NOT been transparent. He refuses to say how much debt he has.

But is this something you want to do? Like basically acting like a mum for him? My mum did this with my dad; all income into her account on payday. Well, guess what he still found ways to borrow from acquantances and loan sharks and begged her for money because he was afraid of getting into trouble with some dodgy people. That was it for my mum. She told him to leave. Years and years after he had a narrative about her just being interested in money. Yeah, to feed her 3 kids! All while working ft and doing everything else for us kids.

This is HIS problem to work out. Don't let him make it your problem because you will become co dependant as my mum was. It took her a year (with a therapist's help) to claim cms because she felt so sorry for him! They brought home equal salaries just that he gambled and she got us coats etc while rarely buying anything for herself (only in charity shops when she really needed clothing). Be very very careful OP, they (addicts) are so manipulative.

You are correct that you’ll never trust he won’t run debt up elsewhere, he will continue until he has literally nothing left.

Having control of all finances could be a tool in his recovery but he’d have to do a lot for himself first. The fact he still won’t show you everything is quite telling.

I agree with pp, pack yourself a bag (tomorrow is fine, you aren’t in any danger as you would be with someone violent) Tell him you need some time at your parents to think things through. You need to decide if you want a life of not fully trusting him, being caretaker of all things financial & accept there’ll be huge rows with him accusing you of being a control freak when his need to gamble takes over.

Does he accept he has a problem? Does he accept he can’t control it himself? Will he contact gamblers anonymous?
If he thinks he can control it himself, then he’s kidding himself & you don’t want to put yourself through that whilst pregnant.

Taking care of yourself whilst pregnant is most important. Go to your parents, let them look after you & get saving some money for both of you, as you can’t rely on him for any money. Let yourself grieve for the partner you thought you had & accept you don’t have him anymore. You can decide if you want the man he actually is in your life later.

good luck OP. Be kind to yourself. 💐

POSITIVE STORY!

I have a friend who is a RECOVERED gambling addict. He lost his marriage over it and was truly remorseful about the pain he caused.

Your partner wants to change. He has agreed to full transparency and to giving you control of his salary. He has also been honest which can ve huge for an addict.

If you do choose to work on the relationship, I would suggest having his credit report emailed to you monthly. This will let you know if he takes on any new debt.

I'm sorry OP, it explains why he has never got any money.

Whatever you do now will set a precedent going forward as to what he can get away with.. you need a bit of time to really think about what you want to do here, if he is still trying to hide and mislead then he will never change, and you will need to accept that he will never be the person you need him to be.

No one would blame you for walking away, he's purposely misled you and kept this secret, he will now promise the earth to get you to stay and carry on as before, but now is the time, if you are even thinking about staying you need him to be completely and 100% transparent and he needs to want to stop, nothing other than full disclosure will do here, you need every last piece of information you can get to be able to make a decision and if he isn't prepared to give it then you may as well just leave now rather than spend you life with someone you can't trust.

@Newmum770 I'm so sorry- I mentioned earlier that vast amounts of unaccounted income in my experience is usually gambling , crypto type speculating or sex related stuff- or debt from before relationship that had never been discussed or admitted. anything like drugs or excessive booze tends to be more obvious

If you want to work through it and see how it goes I would insist on seeing all his statements going back 6 months to get full picture and a credit check - you can google how to do that -

I am sorry you have discovered this. How much does he want to change his ways? The fact he is embarrassed and still hiding paper work is worrying and that he does not want to face up to the realities. I think he needs support, gamblers anonymous maybe?
I agree with the comments to give yourself some headspace and move back in with your family for a few days.