My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

We have a joint account which has everything paid into. We both have small separate debts which just comes out of our joint money. Everything we earn all goes in one account, and everything we spend all comes from the same account. We don’t need to hide any finance stuff from each other else I don’t see the point t in a partnership. Having said that if I had large amounts of debt I wouldn’t expect him to pay that, and I assume DH would say the same the other way round

If she stays with him how can she support him without him being codependent on her. An addict has to want to stop and they are the only ones who can change their behaviour. Some addicts are so far gone that the only way for them to stop is hitting rock bottom. That's the point when they start asking for help and turning their lives around. It's up to the op to judge whether she feels he can stop for good and make those changes for their child. If he doesn't then she will have to support her daughter who's father is an addict so the op will need to get advice. I did leave 2 links for gamblers anonymous websites.

You are being really brave right now OP, I know what it’s like to get this kind of shocking news and have your whole world turned upside down . You feel like you’ve lost your whole future.

But you are going to be fine. You have your health, a good job and a supportive family. You are enterprising, smart and organised and have come through some tough times when you were only in your 20s.

You can do this - many of us here on Mn are single mums and all our kids are doing fine. Yes it perhaps wasn’t what we planned but that’s what happened.

Like you I was lied to, conned and deceived by my Husband who stole money from our joint business and from our savings and pensions over 20 years. So if you think YOU are stupid and gullible - look at me ! It took me decades to find out . You have found out in less than 6 months. And you were smart enough not to marry him or buy a house with him.

So don’t blame yourself - you were not a fool to trust your partner. He took your love and loyalty, your generous heart and your kindness - some of your best qualities - and used them against you .

I know you are still in the place of loving him and worrying about him, but when you get through that stage of grief you will see that he is in fact a user who exploited you.

It doesn’t make them a bad person but he is already lying to her and cheating their baby out of money he could be spending on his family. And while he can change (in theory) this is his burden to bear, not hers. She should get out and let him sort himself out without her policing his finances and wondering whether he is lying to her every step of the way.

OP, I feel such an idiot for not reading the thread in full, before making my suggestion of him giving you a credit card in his name, so that you could pay for his child's expenses without footing the bill.

I've now brought myself up to date, and in a way am relieved that you've found out relatively quickly, rather than letting him fob you off any longer, as to why he was failing to repay you for DSD's expenses, and to contribute to things for the new baby.

However, I am SO sorry that you were smacked in the face with the true reason for him being in debt, as gambling is, in my opinion, even worse than being an alcoholic.

Thank goodness you have a loving and supportive family to go home to, I feel sure from what you've told us, that you will be welcomed, cared for, and loved throughout the remainder of your pregnancy and beyond.

Meanwhile, please, whatever you do, DON'T make the mistake of thinking you can change him, or help him, you CAN'T! No one can, except HIMSELF! And remember, none of this is YOUR fault, despite what some of the nasty posters on MN have tried to make out!

I also think that if you ever get to the bottom of things, that you'll find this is not the first time he's got himself in a mess due to gambling, and that his family are fully aware of his problem, which is why he's ended up renting a house from family, as he's clearly not going to be able to get a rental or a mortgage with his financial background.

Finally, I'd like to send you a virtual hug, and some💐to cheer you up. Wishing you all the very best with the remainder of your pregnancy, and the birth of your baby.

Being an addict doesn't make them a bad person. He has to want to change and take steps to change.

@Newmum770

I'm glad you're going to your parents. They'll give you the love and support you need right now.

And please don't feel 'guilty'. You did not deliberately choose a 'bad' man. You went into this relationship honestly, as we all do, believing in him because that is the 'face' he showed you. There is no guilt in being deceived by someone who isn't being honest. Anger at him, yes. Guilt in yourself, no. So just keep telling yourself that. "I did not create this situation, he did".

I'm not going to tell you what to do relationships are complicated and you have to do what's right for you. He has to want to get help and talk to someone himself. They say once an addict always an addict but that doesn't mean he can't change and stop gambling. You can't do it for him he has to want to get help and take the steps to change. You can not enable him or mother him he has to seek help or your relationship could become codependent if you decide to stay with him. You will also need advice on what you could do to to support him or your child if you are no longer with him.

My partner is an ex addict. When I first met him he was sorting himself out this was over 20 years ago. After I met him we decided to give it a go, and after a couple of years of being together we decided to save and buy a house, and then we had children, and then we decided to pay private school fees etc etc etc. Looking at him you would never know he was an ex addict. He has endless energy and a workaholic, he's addicted to work. There is no such thing as a fairytale couple or marriage, life is hard, and it brings all sorts of challenges. If you decide to leave he will still be there in your child's life. I wouldn't write him off just yet.

As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

Oh dear. You are nesting and setting a prescient that he does need to contribute, not pay you back when you pay 100% of his child's costs but can kick up a fuss and 'make' you pay half for what he pays for his child's costs

It really really doesn't sound good.

He is already getting a good deal from the family member providing him subsidised rent. Looks like he is looking for you to subsidise the children. Bet he doesn't do much housework and parenting. Just a hunch. Sorry

@Newmum770 honestly lovely you will be fine if you have a supportive family- please don't beat yourself up, so many intelligent and kind women on here have done things that in retrospect we thought 'wtf' !! It feels horrendous at the time but my own view is better you know now than with a small baby to cope with on top.

You will learn from this experience- what to look out for , how to protect yourself, it's horrible I know but an experience like this makes many of us a little harder- sometimes love isn't enough - I had 4 years post divorce with someone who turned out to be a raging alcoholic cocklodger- certainly wasn't like this in the first year and by the time I had moved in it all became very obvious, told lies about his job, secretive with debt etc. took me several years to get out !

Please don't stay with him- you will spend all your time when you should be enjoying your baby acting as James Bond 007 and working out what he's up to, everytime he says 'I can't afford that ' you will be wanting to see his statements etc! It's no way to live- try and arrange to have an amicable co parenting arrangement if he wants that - if he doesn't then it's his loss.

Take care x

The main thing, my darling OP, is that you haven’t done anything wrong—you made what seemed like good decisions based on the information you had. The time for beating yourself up and regretting is not now. You just need to go home and let your family embrace you. You are a few months out from being a mother and you will be a great mother. The way you handled your own debt and your recent employment situation shows that. You will be an exemplary and very loved mother. And later, no doubt, you will meet someone worthy of your love who utterly supports you snd your child.

Just wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a compassionate hug. You can do this.

This is correct. Gamblers will gamble away everything they have, including relationships, without blinking. He may be sad/angry/and ashamed over your confrontation or at the prospect if your leaving him but he is not the person whose mental health needs to be prioritized right now. HE IS NOT PREGNANT and sharing a body with a vulnerable baby. You are. Your highest priority is your health and safety.

You have been more than responsible in notifying his parents that you are dropping his leash. He may whine and fry for a few minutes while you are watching. They may call you to tell you he “needs” you but this is all bullshit. He will chase his high again gambling as soon as you are gone.

Did his parents warn you he was a gambler? If they knew and did not they are complicit with him and have enabled him. If his parents did not know then their explanation for hs behavior probably blames his ex—and now you—for failing their darling boy. Don’t look to them for support.

I'm so sad for you @Newmum770

I can tell how shocked and distressed you are.

Thinking of you OP, you’re doing all the right things. Hope you have a wonderful scan today.

Because you love him, when you calm down you will want to stay and help him.
Please fight this urge, as you can't help him.

Don't take his offer of controlling his accounts. That will go well for a time until you either catch him lying again or he massively resents you for controlling him financially and changes his mind about you being in charge so he can continue his ways.

He has an addiction. This will NOT improve when the baby arrives. Increased stress increases the risk of him gambling large amounts. The first few years of raising a baby has many opportunities for increased stress.

If you dont feel ready to end the relationship yet that is OK. But you should definitely move out, focus all of your attention on your baby, and give him space to seek help with and gain some control over his addiction before you go any further as a family. If you stay, he will get the message that on some level you are OK with this.

He needs therapy. Did he tell you how long he has had this problem?

Any hint of a threat tell his parents.
Call the police and tell them.

This loser is not your problem.

You will ruin your life further and that of your unborn child if you take him on as some fxxking project for you to fix.

You will ruin your childs life if you put him first.

He doesn't need to go to any sczn. Don't kid yourself.

He's a gambler.
All he cares about is his next bet.

Pack the bag and get the hell out of there.
No more paying bills.

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing sucking you in to pay for so much.
Don't kid yourself.

At least you have a few months to get organised and move away.
It would be so much worse for you if you were a few weeks away.

He is the enemy.
You are pregnant now and cannot move on quickly.
He has rightly screwed you over.
Get that baby away from that loser and focus 100% on your future and that of your child.

You need to take off your love goggles and get hard hearted real quick.
You need to be ruthless.

Any weakness will be used and exploited by him.
You are an ATM to him, thats all.

He will drive you into the gutter if you allow it.
Save yourself and your baby and get away from him.

I think being in this situation and involved with this man was a mistake - but a baby is on the way so you have to deal. It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a long talk about expectations around finances. I don’t think you should be covering his child but he clearly disagrees. Also him claiming not to have money to help with the baby on the way but having money for the one here is odd.

A difficult conversation is needed.

OP I'm so sorry. When I mentioned gambling it was only as a possibility.

Please focus on the support you need and what you want. Is keeping the baby still a viable option now? This will link you to him forever basically. Please get advice and support for your options and sever any financial ties, names on bills etc

This man doesnt sound like a good long tern prospect

Just be aware that threats of this nature are a manipulation tactic Op