My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

Plan ahead and buy Vinted bundles - problem solved

If you both earn the same then why is it you are able to save and have money at the end of the month? What is he spending his money on?

Why not have a joint account you ran before you could walk into this situation.

You ignored the first red flag about him sweeping flat costs under the carpet then proceeded to make a baby with him... this has dysfunctional written all over it.

You need to have a full and frank conversation about current and future expenses lay it out, spreadsheet of costs etc otherwise you're going to be the mug who covers everything.

Like everyone else’s saying you need to do a full joint budget. If your £240 food shop is equal to half the rent then you’re still underpaying by £120 if you’re supposedly going halves.

You’re not being unreasonable to expect him to cover SD’s costs and contribute to the baby’s. But you don’t know what his income and expenditure is so it’s impossible for us to guess whether he’s being unreasonable or not.

1. just stop offering to pay for SD
2. work out how much you need for the baby’s costs and bill him
3. get your own, and your baby’s, financial security by structuring your finances so you can continue to save to buy a house. If you break up you’ll be homeless and part-time with depleted savings

I would suggest an Amazon baby wish list - especially for things that aren’t urgent like stair gates etc. Otherwise you’ll be spending money on essentials and people might then buy you other stuff you don’t really need. Also, if you can get breastfeeding to be successful, you’ll save a load of money on lots of items - bottles, warmers, formula, prep machine, don’t even need breast pump. I managed without any of that stuff. I would potentially just buy that if you need it, rather than having it all ready.

other than that, I suggest getting cheaper clothes for dsd - I didn’t see her age, but if she’s growing fast, then spending a load of money on clothes is insane.

The only thing I would say is, does he actually have the money, or not?

If money is really tight and it genuinely is a choice between £60 on daughter and £60 on unborn baby I can see where I’d also choose daughter purely because she’s here now, I have more time to get things together for baby.

Another question - when you were made redundant at 12 weeks pregnant , had you told your employer that you were pregnant ?

You are up shit creek without a paddle.

I just saw your post about funding maternity leave. That’s a joint cost as it’s a joint baby. Do not budge one inch on this.

What's going to happen when the baby comes? What will you be expected to pay then?

You need transparency about money . Not just a rough number he told you - the paperwork and bank statements. Both your incomes and all outgoings.

Add up all joint cost ( including baby But not including his older child ). Get a joint account and pay into that 50:50.

you also need to see his assessment from CMS . I suspect he’s not paying much if you have the child as much as you say you do, it must be nearly 50:50.

I also suspect the rent is less than he says it is. Is your name on the tenancy agreement ? If not, get it on now or you have no security, he couod kick you out any time he wants. You don’t want to be sofa surfing with a newborn baby.

’i already pay for the food shop which equates to the rent’

No, because if you paid £250 to rent youd also have to pay half the food shop, so in monetary terms you’re still underpaying your way by £125 each month.

Babies are not cheap have you looked at the prices of baby items recently? It's jaw dropping prices. The op is doing the right thing but she needs to set boundaries.

I agree with this.

Well what will happen when you have the baby - because you won't be working and you don't want to be in a position that you have to rush back to work and pay someone else to look after the baby just because you haven't got the money. He will have to pay for everything then or you'll be making decisions based on what is best for him not best for you and the baby. I have just started working part time but was stay at home mum with my youngest until recently, and my husband would pay all the bills and then give me an allowance (terribly old fashioned I know!) and then if I wanted anything I would pay on his card. So the allowance was for me to treat myself. Not that you every do of course. He isn't on a good wage but we live quite frugally to allow me to stay at home and now work part time. I think your partner needs to stop asking you to contribute because it won't be long before you can't - so he needs to steps up.

I would not merge finances keep on saving for your first property. If you start merging finances then he will feel he can dip into your pot. You sound like an ambitious young woman keep going.

How is it not fair on you when you’re getting free rent?

I agree with this, you need a proper chat because if you already aren’t on the same page about paying for things like a cot or bottles, I don’t see how things will work once baby is here if you continue the way you are with separate finances, you asking him for money and him simply saying he doesn’t have it- it’s not going to work and you’ll end up paying every time so resentment will only grow.

We have a nearly 10 month old baby now and they honestly always need something, nappies, wipes, new toys, more sleepsuits/vests/bibs/socks/gloves especially that first 12 months it’s a whole new wardrobe every 3 months because they grow so quickly, , formula, new teats for bottles as they get older, nappy cream, shampoo, Calpol, the next stage of development toys as they grow, even things like baby groups. You really need to figure out NOW what each of your contributions are going to be for baby, and how you’re going to set that up together, because once that baby is here the money just keeps stacking up and the precedent is set for him to simply say “nope, can’t do it I don’t have the money”

You say he has been cagey about giving full transparency over finances. Does he definitely pay rent to his relative? Have you seen evidence?

I would be refusing to pay anything towards sd from now on. No shopping trips, outings ... Let him pay. Ask for a contribution from him to cover her food. If he says he cannot contribute/pay for something, then don't buy it.

You’re a proper couple now with a baby on the way, not just casually dating and playing at living together. You need to sort your finances.

Work out roughly how much your household expenses are (rent, food shop, utilities, days out, holidays, expenses for your soon to be joint child). You pay proportionately into a joint account for that every month. Your dp will pay more because he will be earning more, especially when you are on mat leave, and he should throw in a bit extra to cover added costs for his dd. He pays maintenance, her clothes, activities, etc from his personal money.

Then you will be both paying equitably for your household expenses according to your income.

You should not be paying £200 a month (or anything near that!) for his child. And he should not be expecting it.

Regardless of the apparently cushy deal you are getting on the rent ( and you sure he is actually paying any rent, given that he was less than transparent about finances?).

You are pregnant and have been made redundant, but he is shamelessly sponging off you.

My advice would be to stop paying anything towards his daughter's expenses, save every penny you can for yourself and your child, and think hard about whether you really want to stay with a man who is offloading his existing child expenses onto you.