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Original poster

My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

439 replies

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 09:32

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 11:40

It's also okay, Op, for you to be more economical with purchases for DSD and the new baby.

Shop in thrift shops first. Your partner is not helping out like he should but maybe he can't and he needs to spend less where possible.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:40

I have built a great career for myself, worked my arse off and don’t depend on anybody else.

I was made redundant at 12 weeks pregnant, I was awful horrifically sick until about week 16. Luckily I was paid 3 months notice, but trying to find the same high paid job at 16 weeks pregnant - let’s all be realistic is not exactly easy. I luckily had a beauty business to fall back on, so I found a job that can stably pay my bills, is part time and will all me to go back to work fairly quickly, without having to pay childcare (praise the lord for my mother)

I really am not stupid and plan to try and find a similarly paid job as soon as it’s physically possible, but I haven’t made the smartest choice for me based on the circumstances.

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 11/02/2025 11:40

He earns plenty but has no money. He won’t answer simple questions about his finances other than he’s apparently paying debts but you have no idea what they are or how much. You’re living in his families house with no tenancy agreement and you decided to have a baby….

You both need to sit down ASAP and have a very long, open and detailed conversation about finances. It should have happened a long time ago.

Claudiand · 11/02/2025 11:38

Your finances should be healthy with a good income and heavily reduced rent!

YANBU to stop paying for SD.
YANBU to expect him to pay towards the baby.
YANBU to stop subbing him.

Next time he asks, refuse until he gives you a full financial breakdown. I’m guessing he’s wasting loads on incidental costs like work lunches / gambling / alcohol / cigarettes. You must have some idea where it’s going.

Tbry24 · 11/02/2025 11:36

Just move out and rent your own place and focus on your baby.

He’s paying subsidised rent to a family member and still skint and not buying things for his baby so it’s only going to get worse.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:35

I have a car, insurance, pet insurance, phone bill, pet fees (food etc, worming tablets), business insurance, business outgoings in general, I do get top ups with my other business so my finances honestly are healthy and I’ve not once said they are not.

OP posts:
Claudiand · 11/02/2025 11:35

Don’t join finances, you aren’t responsible for subsidising his maintenance and SD’s costs. But you do need to have a budget discussion and make it fair for your household and baby costs.

Keepitrealnomists · 11/02/2025 11:34

WTAF are you doing with this guy and having a baby with him, prepare to be a single parent

Claudiand · 11/02/2025 11:33

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:29

I have put a large amount of my incomings into savings, I also have bought lots of baby bits. As I said before my redundancy there were no financial issues on my end. I put into pots and have money left over to enjoy myself - I normally once my outgoings are paid have £1500 left over for savings, things I want to buy

my partner often asks for money to borrow until the end of the month

i genuinely cannot get my head around where his money is going
I have also asked - and he said he is repaying debts…

Nevermind his costs, where’s YOUR money going?

You pay £250 for food, half of bills which is maybe £500 maximum, yet you have £1500 left over? There’s £750 missing?

He should have about £2000 left after rent and bills, for maintenance and everything else.

You need to sit down and discuss it with him.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:32

we do not currently join our finances, and the above is a big reason as to why i have been reluctant to. Until he sorts out his finances

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:32

Guys I have money left over as I said,

my bills including bills, food for the month, car payments, insurance, pet insurance, business insurance - roughly are around £1000 and I’ve managed to get these down to about £700 when I start my part time job…

OP posts:
Bambiisasillybilly · 11/02/2025 11:31

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:29

I have put a large amount of my incomings into savings, I also have bought lots of baby bits. As I said before my redundancy there were no financial issues on my end. I put into pots and have money left over to enjoy myself - I normally once my outgoings are paid have £1500 left over for savings, things I want to buy

my partner often asks for money to borrow until the end of the month

i genuinely cannot get my head around where his money is going
I have also asked - and he said he is repaying debts…

Is the savings account in his name as well?😩

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:29

I have put a large amount of my incomings into savings, I also have bought lots of baby bits. As I said before my redundancy there were no financial issues on my end. I put into pots and have money left over to enjoy myself - I normally once my outgoings are paid have £1500 left over for savings, things I want to buy

my partner often asks for money to borrow until the end of the month

i genuinely cannot get my head around where his money is going
I have also asked - and he said he is repaying debts…

OP posts:
Bambiisasillybilly · 11/02/2025 11:29

He's either a drug addict or a gambler.

beAsensible1 · 11/02/2025 11:29

@Newmum770 what did you spend £200 for DSD on this month?

beAsensible1 · 11/02/2025 11:28

so where is the rest of it going when outgoings aren't even 1000 between the 2 of you for house bills!

you guys need to sit and work out expenses properly. this is ridiculous

Claudiand · 11/02/2025 11:27

£6000 income
£500 rent
£250 food

Where on earth is the other £5250 going each month?

Bambiisasillybilly · 11/02/2025 11:26

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:24

£3000 each that is

Where's it all going does he have a secret pot?

Claudiand · 11/02/2025 11:26

£3000 each or combined?

If rent is £500 and food is £250, how on earth are you quibbling over £50 here and there?

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:24

£3000 each that is

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:24

Just to add context, £3000 roughly is our independent salary (I’ve been paid 3 months notice which fortunately takes me to the date I start my new job)

OP posts:
Naunet · 11/02/2025 11:22

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 10:27

sorry to add to that, as I said I can very much afford to buy all of the baby stuff if needed however my point was I’m frustrated as I do not think that’s fair on me

Well obviously its not fair, so stop subsidising his child! Next time he demands you pay half of a meal, tell him you'll take it off what he owes you towards baby stuff.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 11:22

@aei22 thank you so much for the advice! My mother also keeps telling me to stop buying things as we will get a lot gifted, but it dreads me to feel unprepared especially given the change in work situation and finances and lack of financial support I am getting.

unfortunately with the need to go back to work pretty quickly, so that I can pay my outgoings. I’m
going to be reliant on help from others so won’t be in a position to solely breast feed

thank you though I definitely will look at all options available

OP posts:
Seedorganisation · 11/02/2025 11:22

Clearly from the updates finances are a mess. You're not married, you don't know one is finances, you are relying on cheap rent from someone else to live. I would advise getting back to work full time as soon as possible, if the housing situation/relationship goes tits up, you're going to need to earn as much as possible.

Redfred00 · 11/02/2025 11:21

Honestly, I'd go home. You need security and you don't have any. He rents from family. There's no tenancy. You have no rights to be / remain in the household. He can't afford to keep himself and his current child so having another kid was irresponsible. He expects you to support yourself and your joint kid during maternity. How long maternity are you taking and what will the childcare arrangements be moving forward? You will take the hit financially, career wise, pension pot wise, progression wise. You don't have the security of marriage not that I think it will give you any security because it doesn't sound like he has fuck all.