My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

It's a bit late now to find out that he's prepared to financially exploit you. I guess as a start you could just point blank stop paying for things for his daughter and instead put the money in your baby fund. You'll need it when you split up, he's not going to be a good one to get maintenance money from.

This just gets worse and worse... I'd leave.

I'd say either pay 50% rent, or he keeps paying your half and you pay for some stuff for his DSD. Not sure which would work out more or less.

Alternatively you could start viewing it more as "family money". Work out overall incoming and outgoings each month, and use whatever is left over as shared money for whatever is needed, with discussion before high cost purchases.

What is your plan once baby is born and once you go back to work ? Who is paying for childcare / nursery for you baby ?
Also who is paying for the pram / cot / other large cost items ?

Having a child with someone when they have an undisclosed amount of debt is very odd.

The ad hoc way you pay for groceries but not rent can end up with things being uneven. Why not pay half of the rent each and set up a joint bills account for groceries and utilities? You could work out a split such as he lodges x amount per month and you lodge maybe 10% less as he has his daughter there too.

He seems very secretive about his money. Even if you don't have joint finances, it's normal to know what the other one's situation is. He sounds flaky and you don't want to end up supporting all 4 of you.

I agree with your gut feeling - that’s not quite right. I wonder if he’s spending excessively due to some form of guilt. Plus he’s overwhelmed pethaps by the idea of the second child? (And he doesn’t want to think about it accordingly and doesn’t think about needing to put money in the baby pot). I don’t think there is a way out if this other than calmly and politely, but relatively assertively talking to him about this and exploring his feelings.

Does he actually have the money to give you though OP? You say he’s been having a tough time financially.
In a serious relationship one partner shouldn’t be so well off they’re able to save loads while the other one struggles to even pay their part of the bills.

It sounds like things were going reasonably well but your situation has taken a big hit from your redundancy and the new baby so this has upset things and put more pressure on you as a result.

Firstly if he is having his daughter every weekend and sometimes longer then he can’t be far off 50% custody so really shouldn’t be paying much (if any) maintenance - that money should be being used to cover his daughter’s expenses when she’s with you.

Secondly I think you need to sit down with him and have a very frank conversation about finances. Your income will take a big hit with maternity leave so you need assurance from him that he can pick up the slack. He needs to be honest with you about what debt he has ie show you the statements. If there’s high interest rates then look at whether a balance transfer might be a good option (beware of him running up further debt on the cleared cards), or talk with debt support agencies to see if there’s any chance of negotiating with the creditors.

Then I would suggest agreeing a fixed amount each to be put into a joint account each month to cover bills and essentials, ideally proportional to income. I would also add his money for his daughter’s expenses to this account so that you don’t up having to cover them. He should be contributing more while you’re not earning because your “work” during this time is providing full time care for the baby. Once you go back to work it would even out again.

Thirdly think about how you will be protected in the future. If you were to split then you would have no right to stay in that home, therefore if you don’t have a backup option like family then keep some savings tucked away to cover a deposit and a few month’s rent just in case and make sure none of his debt ends up in your name. If things work out/you get married or buy a house together the money can always go back in the pot then.

It’s also worth thinking about what would happen if the family member wanted their house back. Currently he is paying rent well below market rates but struggling financially. Ideally you should be taking advantage of the low rent and putting the spare cash away for future use.

Having a baby is extremely stressful on a relationship so try and get this sorted now if you can. You are definitely not being unreasonable and if he won’t engage and be honest then start working on your back up plan in case things go wrong, that way you and your child are protected.

Yes BUT you have missed the point!

Reading your updates - you are insane to have a baby with someone who you don’t combine finances with. You realise that a baby is much more intertwined than your bills could ever be, right?! You need big talks and much bigger transparency over money, both of you.

Honestly I hate these kind of threads. You chose to be with someone who already has a child. And it’s only one child! Just be kind hearted. I think it’s miserly to refuse to pay when you’re all together and really she is your family. You don’t get to have her dad without having her. If you don’t want to really be in a family with her, you’d be better off finding a man who doesn’t already have a child. I just think it’s really nasty and mean and immature. I think just pay whatever needs paying and don’t overthink it. You’re turning it into a ‘vs’ situation, which is absolutely isn’t. Accept you chose someone with a child and accept that child comes as part of the family package now.

It’s not, that’s your bias speaking.

OP doesn’t begrudge SD getting whatever she needs or wants, she begrudges paying for it when SD’s parents can afford to themselves.

And keep the rest of your money in your own separate account tucked away.
Only a joint account for joint expenses. You’re clearly more responsible with your finances than he is.

You are serious? Dsm begrudges dsd, I would have thought it was obvious.

Eh? How is she a poor poor child exactly?

BECAUSE HE PAYS CMS for his daughter!
He’s very kindly (NOT) allowed OP to move into his rental so he’s expecting Op to pickup all food bills and any extras for when Dsd is staying by saying he’s got no money.
AND OP buys everything for their joint baby.

This is financial abuse in the making.

Do a spreadsheet OP and get everything out in the open. Sit him down and lay it on the line. You have to be a partnership.

Keep food bills to show what you’re spending,
printouts of a couple of both your/his bank statements and get across all expenses.
Split the joint household expenses and each pay half into a joint account…THEN he adds £200 extra for dsd’s costs to your household outgoings. .

And everything for the baby, dsd and all bills are paid from that account.

Given hes secretive about money, there’s surely more to this than he’s letting on…

Talk about projection, the SD’s getting whatever she wants or needs and OP’s not being nasty or petty at all.

OP you’re clearly a sensible and smart woman and good on you for realising before the baby arrives that the situation is untenable.

I was recently in your position. After the baby was born I realised there was no way I was going back to full time work after six months as I’d assumed I would (due to financial constraints because I was subsidising SO and SC). My SO has had to step up and seriously reduce his personal outgoings. Your SO will have to do the same. Once your baby is here, that’s going to be your priority, nothing else. You will not want to stop breastfeeding your baby so you can work to buy SD new leggings.

If he won’t give you full financial disclosure, work out the baby’s costs and that’s how much he needs to transfer you every month. No more spending on SD. Build up your savings for when you need them.

Good luck.

Poor dsd. Yes, I know, he should be paying for her, she is not the dsm responsibility, but poor, poor child. My friend walked away from a very good match, a very kind and wealthy man, a while back. When I asked her why, she said 'I hate myself around his children, I never thought I could have those petty, nasty feelings in me, but I do. I don't want to feel that way'.

Unfortunately, you have picked someone who is terrible with money and appears to burn through every £ he earns each month, and some of yours, for his own benefit and his daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if this is a major reason the relationship with his daughter's mother failed.

And you're having a baby with him?

Probably not your best plan, tbh, but seeing as how that ship has sailed, I'd move back in with your family and start saving again and making sure you have everything you need for you and your daughter. File for CMS when the baby arrives.

Is it a possibility that he has lied to you about how much he earns?