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Original poster

My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

439 replies

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 09:32

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

OP posts:
Tandora · 11/02/2025 14:00

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:56

@Tandora thats not correct at all, I’m not standing here and demanding he pay me £300 towards the baby

I’m asking with the money he’s saying he doesn’t have, but must do, if he is willing to spend £110 on a child clothes in January. Just after an awful lot was bought, clothing included for Christmas…
If he could pay his way towards baby bits

what’s not correct?

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:59

@Praying4Peace I’m questioning your thought process but you aren’t quite making sense. There is no “ours” when it’s coming to baby bits. So what you’re suggesting is I said for DSD and stop complaining…
We are in this together however I am the only person saving for maternity leave, the only person paying for the baby and the only person at this point
paying for the extra days his DD stays with us?

OP posts:
sunshinerainbowcloud · 11/02/2025 13:58

Tandora · 11/02/2025 13:53

I can see where this is going - you are already pitting SDC against your baby that isn’t even born yet …
I think you :

  1. need to get out of this mindset that what DSD gets takes away from your baby

  2. split finances including rent and then stop buying stuff for his DD

  3. if you need stuff for the baby agree in advance what is needed and jnsist he contribute his share

Edited
Show quote history

FGS. OP isn’t putting her step child against new baby she’s just making a point that DP is taking the piss. Quite frankly both are seperate issues but it’s a point isn’t it? DP needs to remember he will have 2 children to pay for soon.

OP shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells making sure DP can put in £15 for a baby bath in advance when he’s flitting money away with his secret outgoings that he won’t show to OP.

Poppins21 · 11/02/2025 13:57

sunshinerainbowcloud · 11/02/2025 13:50

If OP was my friend I’d suggest this too. See if family are happy to take OP and baby in for 6mo-a year whilst OP gets her bearings being a new mum and can sort herself out to move into her own place… claim cms off ex.

Show quote history

That’s the advice I would give my friend too.

Praying4Peace · 11/02/2025 13:56

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:45

@Praying4Peace a fair deal? I’m curious as to why you think this
I pay maybe £100 less based on our rent/bills agreement… I did offer to pay half the rent. But I can solidly tell you I pay a lot more than £100 on DSD and preparing for my little one… and I get nothing back.

what an odd thing to say

I think you need to rewire your mindset to enable this relationship to work. Yours becomes ours which can be hard to get your head around when you have been living at home with your family (and presumably not responsible for bills/mortgage/rent). You have fallen in love with a man who has a child and have decided to have a baby with him. So now you are in this together; his children will be siblings and you will be a family, irrespective of genes.
I note that you responded with a funny mojo to my response. You are very much entitled to do so but I believe you need to adopt a more mature outlook. Good luck to all concerned

Kitchensinktoday · 11/02/2025 13:56

Sauvignonblanket · 11/02/2025 10:27

You need to start sharing all money and all bills before the baby arrives. If you don't, he will start thinking that paying for the baby and supporting you financially is optional.

Good point

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:56

@Tandora thats not correct at all, I’m not standing here and demanding he pay me £300 towards the baby

I’m asking with the money he’s saying he doesn’t have, but must do, if he is willing to spend £110 on a child clothes in January. Just after an awful lot was bought, clothing included for Christmas…
If he could pay his way towards baby bits

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 11/02/2025 13:55

I think no matter what he pays on rent and bills etc.. it shouldn’t mean he gets to pay less on his daughter. If she needs a new coat.. he pays for it. If she wants to do a hobby.. he pays for it. If she has a school trip coming up.. he pays for it. If she needs a hair cut.. he pays for it. If HE wants OP to take her out somewhere.. he pays for it!

Tandora · 11/02/2025 13:53

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 10:10

Just to add an example,
I asked my partner this month if we could both put some money into a “baby” pot so that when I am buying things is shared. To which my partner said he couldn’t contribute and would be able to next month. No issue at all until…

I took my DSD shopping for clothes, she said she needed tops/leggings as she had none here. I told my DP, and said she had x amount pocket money but was he happy to get more clothes for her (knowing his financial situation) he said yes… I spent £60 and he gave the money back. Again no issue…
Last weekend my DP said we needed to go shopping again as DSD “had no clothes” so although unable to contribute to anything baby related was willing to spend another £50 on clothes that really were not needed.

I can see where this is going - you are already pitting SDC against your baby that isn’t even born yet …
I think you :

  1. need to get out of this mindset that what DSD gets takes away from your baby

  2. split finances including rent and then stop buying stuff for his DD

  3. if you need stuff for the baby agree in advance what is needed and jnsist he contribute his share

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:53

@Praying4Peace well should this be an issue, I’m sure her mother would raise this. Which she hasn’t so… I’m going to guess the agreement is more than fine for her…

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:51

@sandyhappypeople

i think you’ve read the thread incorrectly.
my DSD stayed for a full week (plus weekends) and my DP had not been paid after a long December. He had 0 money, so I covered all food all activities, all clothes, everything that was needed for the week, including keeping DSD fed watered and entertained… this included meals out for all of us and cinema trips that he agreed to
my DP paid me back £50 for the clothes spent but nothing for the £260 additional outgoings that I would not have to normally pay. He then said he didn’t have money for baby, but following week (1 week after said shopping trip) wanted to go back buy more clothes for DSD because clothes had not been returned from mother.

I told my DP about everything we were doing, and mentioned when I didn’t have enough to fund some of this… (I was paid 1 week rather than 5 from a payroll error and wouldn’t get it back for some time)

I never refused to pay for rent? But if that fits to your projection then so be it.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 11/02/2025 13:51

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 11/02/2025 12:53

Stop buying baby things, stop buying for your DSD. Whenever something needs to be bought for DSD ask your DP and when he says yes also mentions something needed for the baby.
For ex: dsd wants £50 for clothes, he gives you -£50, then mention a baby item. Either he has £50 more, great, or he says he has no more, in which case you tell him that the £50 will need to be split in half as both kids have needs.

OP is in a horrible situation here but I don’t think stealing is going to improve anything.

sunshinerainbowcloud · 11/02/2025 13:50

Poppins21 · 11/02/2025 13:46

This needs to be looked at and reassessed especially with the amount of time she lives with you. I don’t often say this but might be better to return to your family, where you lived before, and claim your own CMS. You might be better in the long run. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all works out.

Show quote history

If OP was my friend I’d suggest this too. See if family are happy to take OP and baby in for 6mo-a year whilst OP gets her bearings being a new mum and can sort herself out to move into her own place… claim cms off ex.

Ihaveoflate · 11/02/2025 13:49

From reading your updates, I'm not sure the money is the real issue here - it's the lies and deceit. You simply cannot trust this man and he is refusing to be transparent about an issue that has a direct impact on your life and future plans.

I would have serious concerns about the long term viability of this relationship if I were you. Protect yourself (and your child) financially and be prepared to support yourself independently. If he lies about money, the chances are he will lie about other things in future.

SaltyPig · 11/02/2025 13:48

Doesn't sound much of a spousal relationship.

Praying4Peace · 11/02/2025 13:47

sandyhappypeople · 11/02/2025 13:45

Why on earth did you spend £260 a month on for your DSD last month? if he repaid you the £110 her clothes cost, why are you spending so much on other things, which is money that he clearly doesn't have? There's difference between essentials like clothing, and luxuries like eating out etc.

You are choosing to spend lots of money on DSD and then demanding he pay you back.. if he doesn't want to spend lots on DSD through the month then you shouldn't be spending on her on his behalf.. if you are happy to spend your own money on her that is one thing, but you're not, so stop deciding what to spend on her then expecting him to pay you back.. he probably thinks you spend too much on her and he doesn't have the disposable income to back it up!

then on top of that you are spending money freely on your unborn child and expecting him to match what you are spending.

To put it bluntly.. He doesn't have the money OP!

At the end of the day you have chosen to live and have a child with someone and you don't even know their financial situation.. if he is paying child maintenance and paying debts, plus paying all the rent, it will have a massive impact on his disposable income, you refusing to contribute to the rent, while he struggles every month and you are banging half your income in to savings while complaining he isn't contributing enough is taking the piss IMO.

All of this financial stuff should have been sorted before you got this far into a relationship.

Show quote history

SPOT ON, thank you

Poppins21 · 11/02/2025 13:46

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:34

@Poppins21 I’m actually not sure, I’ve never really gotten involved with his CMS payment so to be honest I had no idea how much he should/should be giving

This needs to be looked at and reassessed especially with the amount of time she lives with you. I don’t often say this but might be better to return to your family, where you lived before, and claim your own CMS. You might be better in the long run. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all works out.

Praying4Peace · 11/02/2025 13:46

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 12:06

@Hwi so I hate to laugh but what 😂
I have 0 hate towards my wonderful SC, we get along brilliantly

however that does not make me financially responsible for SC

my DP pays £300 a month child support as I said religiously… but the spending when my DSD is staying with us to my point is excessive. £50 so far has been spent on clothes, these clothes will go back to her mothers house and we never see them again, hence why 2 weeks later we are required to get more clothes. And nothing is being contributed to a new baby on the way.
I have subbed money in the past, and paid large amounts for DSD and recieved nothing in return…

This was never an issue, until my DP was not contributing to second child

Edited

£300 pm isn't very much at all

sandyhappypeople · 11/02/2025 13:45

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 12:11

@babyproblems I’m so glad you say this, so said family package also requires my DP to pay for their unborn child…
But what you are saying is, I should pay for both children.
I think you are completely missing the point

but thank you for your views

Edited

Why on earth did you spend £260 a month on for your DSD last month? if he repaid you the £110 her clothes cost, why are you spending so much on other things, which is money that he clearly doesn't have? There's difference between essentials like clothing, and luxuries like eating out etc.

You are choosing to spend lots of money on DSD and then demanding he pay you back.. if he doesn't want to spend lots on DSD through the month then you shouldn't be spending on her on his behalf.. if you are happy to spend your own money on her that is one thing, but you're not, so stop deciding what to spend on her then expecting him to pay you back.. he probably thinks you spend too much on her and he doesn't have the disposable income to back it up!

then on top of that you are spending money freely on your unborn child and expecting him to match what you are spending.

To put it bluntly.. He doesn't have the money OP!

At the end of the day you have chosen to live and have a child with someone and you don't even know their financial situation.. if he is paying child maintenance and paying debts, plus paying all the rent, it will have a massive impact on his disposable income, you refusing to contribute to the rent, while he struggles every month and you are banging half your income in to savings while complaining he isn't contributing enough is taking the piss IMO.

All of this financial stuff should have been sorted before you got this far into a relationship.

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:45

@Praying4Peace a fair deal? I’m curious as to why you think this
I pay maybe £100 less based on our rent/bills agreement… I did offer to pay half the rent. But I can solidly tell you I pay a lot more than £100 on DSD and preparing for my little one… and I get nothing back.

what an odd thing to say

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:43

@Azerothi no honestly, not at all. I have been just out of not really caring but 4 months and no baby support later I’m a tad pissed off.

As I said I had a perfectly fine living arrangement with family prior that meant I was able to save pretty much all of my disposable income… I don’t need this relationship. I’m here because I wanted to be in it before I realise there was a shit tonne of lying and hidden debts

OP posts:
Hwi · 11/02/2025 13:42

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:31

@Hwi I’m really sorry to not fit your narrative.

I’m literally just asking for my DP to pay his way…

It is not MY narrative, it is centuries-old, universally acknowledged narrative! I wish it were only MY narrative.

Praying4Peace · 11/02/2025 13:41

Praying4Peace · 11/02/2025 13:41

I think you are getting a fair deal OP. And it's important to remember that your DSD is part of your family and your baby's sibling . So all finances should be considered together as you are a family with no differentiation between children.
My family circumstances reflect this so I practice what I breach

Show quote history

preach

Praying4Peace · 11/02/2025 13:41

Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 10:01

Going to try and update as best as possible.
Our wages were about the same.

Before moving in, I was living with family saving for a deposit for a house. When asked to move in, I asked my partner for a breakdown of what I need to contribute, rent and bills included. However said that long term I would like us to save for a house.
I asked for a financial breakdown of the outgoings and it was always brushed under the carpet.
I eventually got a figure, which I’ve been paying since said discussion. As well as paying for the weekly food shop (roughly £240pm) which is roughly what half the rent is.

I was made redundant at 12 weeks pregnant (not ideal), but I have managed to get a part time role (that will cover my outgoings). I also provide beauty services from home part time which means my new salary will be lower but I’m comfortable I will have enough to support us.

its not just “Ice cream money” some months I’m paying as much as £200 towards DSD. And getting no contribution towards the baby that is on the way.

I think you are getting a fair deal OP. And it's important to remember that your DSD is part of your family and your baby's sibling . So all finances should be considered together as you are a family with no differentiation between children.
My family circumstances reflect this so I practice what I breach

Original poster
Newmum770 · 11/02/2025 13:40

@Soontobe60 i do understand your point, however my hours and wage is about to be reduced dramatically and I cannot currently rely on my partner for financial support. So to ensure my child has everything they need, I am choosing to get this upfront. So I don’t struggle further financially later.

I’d be happy with a monthly contribution of just £50 to cover what needs buying, what I’ve paid for already and to add to the maternity leave pot..

OP posts:
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