To put foot down at DH's spendyness and ask how he can afford it?

@gotbillstopay what does he do with the money generally if he can't afford to contribute to the energy bill? If he lived on his own, he'd have to pay one and would have to find the money somewhere. At the moment, you have Airbnb which he said was his income. So what does he do with it?

He sounds like a cocklodger

Personally@gotbillstopay id be reviewing the accounts myself and the Airbnb app. Sounds like he’s living well outside of his (and the families)means.

I think your DH sounds like he's lost touch with reality - if your daughters have 6 years of school left to go I expect they'd have a lot to say about moving to France!

I'd love to know how exactly this would work in his mind. I may be wrong but, in absence of any other information, I will assume for now that the kids aren't so fluent in French as to comfortably transfer to a school in France and just pick up where they left off, so to speak. Particularly, given that the French do not follow the same system of education as the UK. Not to mention loss of friends, transitioning to a different culture etc.

It would be interesting to understand if he's always been this detached from reality and practical thinking or really just lost it, which is why he may have quit his job.

So what did the rest of the 42k go on after the bathroom flood was sorted?

Hang on, you needed £2k for flooding in the bathroom but you took out a £35k loan? Why? Was it your idea or his? What else did it go on?

I think your DH sounds like he's lost touch with reality - if your daughters have 6 years of school left to go I expect they'd have a lot to say about moving to France!

You need to sit down and work it out together. The air BnB is a joint asset. Is it on a separate meter? Because right now if you're paying the bills you are finding the heating costs etc of the Airbnb for him.

He should get paid for the house he puts in eg if he's dealing with all the guests, changing bedding and cleaning between visitors, that is only fair. But the money left over after cleaning and costs should be split equally as the asset belongs to you both.

He needs to go back to work. Frankly a 35k loan is ridiculous if you arent spending on major renovations and one person isn't even working.

It sounds like cock lodging with extra steps frankly. And he has no idea how to budget or live within his means, but I suppose after a120k salary job it's easy to have spending habits that somebody on 35k a year would never have picked up. He probably thinks he's being frugal.

The first year he gave up his job I took out the loan

@gotbillstopay what did he say about that given that he said there would be no money issues related to his giving up his job?

Did you post about this a couple of years ago OP? The Airbnb set up in the house seems familiar. If so he was an idiot then and still remains one.

Get half the emergency funds out now and put them somewhere DH can't access. Then what others have said, really, complete financial overhaul.

For a start stop taking out loans and get the credit cards paid off. I’d be drawing a hard line in the sand on that.

It does sound all a bit chaotic. And no way would I put up with my partner having sole access to joint spending.

I do agree that this should really all have been discussed before he gave his job up. It also sounds as though he’s basically keeping up his own lifestyle without the income to support it (or expecting you to get into horrible levels of debt).

I agree you need to sit down and work out a monthly income/ expenses plan. This should cover current day-to-day costs but also how you plan to cover things in the future, like potentially putting the kids through uni, pensions, new cars etc.

If he’s genuinely not going to go back to a career, just include the Airbnb.

This might land the point to him that there could be difficult decisions ahead, like downsizing the house, limiting extra curricular activities, limited choice of unis (ones where DCs can live at home), working for longer etc.

If you can’t even get him to discuss this I would be setting myself up financially and dividing everything on a 50/50 basis.

The left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing or has - complete overhaul and transparency of finances and working it all out whst is coming inand going out

He’s being an arse - you don’t give up a six figure salary without a clear, jointly agreed plan for your financial future.

It's either he is being an arse or I don't know if he just lost it. Six figure jobs usually come with considerable amount of pressure and responsibility, which is why they are paid so well. If he's always been a bit irresponsible with money, that's one thing. However if it's sudden change, I don't know if just cope with the job and now continues to run away from everything.

OP: did you talk about the finances and how you were going to manage without his salary when he said he was going to quit the job? I know you said he told you there would be no money struggles but how was he so sure?

I agree with pp saying that if he wants to go on holiday - let him. He'll have to pay his own expenses then and you can save money. But I'd worry about his mental state atm, he seems to be spending as though he's loaded but where's it all coming from?

I've had to take out a £35K loan and I'm roughly in debt with credit cards of 8K.

While you were married? Paying for household stuff? What was this debt for - not actual, was it for household stuff of self??

If its not self, it's a household bill. You're married. This idea of his money and your money, in a divorce court it'd be matrimonial assets.

So many problems on Mumsnet stem from seperate finances. You are jointly responsible for raising and financing your family. Your salary, his salary (fair enough to take a salary from the Air BnB but how much time can it possibly take?) and the profits from the Air BNB are all family money. If that isn’t enough to sustain your outgoings - clearly not since you are £40k plus in debt - then he doesn’t have the luxury of pratting about doing a bit of driving, he needs to get some well paid work. What was the plan when he resigned? Surely not to do nothing for several years? You together make sure all the important bills are covered and then if there is money left it’s joint savings and equal personal spends.
As it stands it seems to be YOUR debt propping up the family, HIS savings to spend on his own jolly projects, YOUR hard work bringing in most of the money, HIM laying sole claim to your joint assets. Wise up and read him the riot act!

Is the loan and debt just in your name? What was it for? Is your DH aware? If it was to cover the shortfall in mortgage and bills etc then he really needs to help you with that.

Firstly, the part of the house that is used for Airbnb is a joint asset unless he also considers your house to be his house and sees you as one of those Airbnb tenants. Therefore, the money you get from that is not his income. It's a joint income. Based on that "his" half in that is 15k.

If you both accepted that he wouldn't work after he gave up his job, then you both have to live the lifestyle that the lowest paid person in the household can contribute to. In his case, that's based on whatever contribution he can make from "his income" of 15k.

Secondly, this situation requires an open and honest discussion about the state of your finances, the debts etc. Before you go into that discussion, I encourage you to think carefully about what you are prepared to do if he is either unable or unwilling to hear you because you will have to be ready to tell him what the consequences will be if he continues doing what he is doing and you need to be prepared to go through with those consequences.

I don't know how far things have gone and how long this has been going on but as a minimum you should stop going on holidays you can't afford. If he wants to go ahead anyway, let him and see if that might wake him up. I think you also need to split all things 50/50 rather than pay for all bills or take on some other expense in full. This, I hope will make him more aware of the costs of everything. Water, electricity etc are ongoing costs and where insurances are fixed for a year, water and electricity bills aren't and you don't always get to control what they will be. For example, if the weather happens to be particularly cold and you have to turn your heating up, you will be paying more unless you want to sit in the cold and let your kids freeze too. If you are responsible for the kids' hobbies, the piano tutor can also increase prices with inflation whereas insurance costs are quoted for the year in advance and he knows exactly what it is and doesn't have to worry about things like that. He also can't take money from the emergency fund on to spend on something that isn't an emergency. If he wants to continue, you will have to start keeping a separate emergency fund that is just for your emergencies and he will have to keep his own etc. If there are house emergencies or another kind that needs a joint contribution, you will need to discuss that as and when that occurs. You need to separate your finances as much as you can before you get into a deeper and deeper hole.

Has he always been acting like he is now or is this a sudden change?

Why have you taken out a 35k loan? And 8k on ccs?

Your dc are doing multiple expensive hobbies - it really doesn't sound like the household can afford to live like this so why are you?

The moving to France idea to pay off your mortgage makes absolutely no sense when you have a job, kids in secondary school and an AirB&B to manage. Unless of course he has a job lined up in France that will cover all that and more and will sponsor a work visa.

Sounds more like running away...

You need to do a complete financial review. All your incomes, savings, bills and debt on the table. Work out monthly costs, split in half and you each pay into a joint account to cover. Decide on an amount of personal spending money and joint savings - he can spend his without question but bigger spends are a joint decision. I couldn’t be living with £40k+ in debt with no transparency about or access to family savings.

The AirB&B is a family asset, not his personal salary - he could draw an amount for running it but the rest goes into a joint account to cover repairs etc. He’s being an arse - you don’t give up a six figure salary without a clear, jointly agreed plan for your financial future.

In that case it's a profit from a joint asset and I don't see nay other option but to merge your finances. This does, unfortunately mean that you will continue to subsidise your husband as he is currently not earning but it also means that any large purchases which are outside of his personal "allowance" need to be discussed and agreed by both of you.
He is not going to like it, is he?

He’s not going to be able to ‘move to France’ unless he is an EU citizen. If he isn’t , you will both have to pass some fairly rigorous language and residency conditions ( insurance etc) to live there. Property is cheaper, but only in rural locations, so not too easy to make a living.

He seems to have completely lost any sense of reality, and I’m afraid you are propping him up, which can’t go on for ever.. 💐