Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp problems, don’t know how to solve?

57 replies

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 08:31

Dp and I been together for 4 years but just moved in last year.
Since moving in it seems there’s been a few times he’s made a comment on something I’ve done and then made a joke about said thing which has made me feel guilty
An example would be if I fancied a drink - he’s not a big drinker and neither am I - (maybe 3 glasses of wine every 2 weeks, a night out every 2-3 months) but he will say things like he has to get used to being with someone who drinks so much etc so I now feel guilty and feel like I should drink less.
After saying to him this is how he’s made me feel, he has said now he is going to have to police his language around me now which isn’t what I want at all.
I don’t know what to do here any advice?

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 09:13

I would be wary it’s the start of a controlling relationship - testing what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll change for him and how much power he can exert over your decisions. It will start small with an offhand comment about a drink but if you change your behaviour in response and accept that dig then he will ramp it up by degrees and you won’t even notice the incrementally more controlling behaviour and rules.

Stick up for yourself, set boundaries and don’t allow him to take control and see how he reacts when he isn’t changing your behaviour.

Catza · 11/02/2025 09:11

Only you know your partner well enough to say whether it was a joke or undermining dressed as a joke.
But in either case it is worth remembering that your feelings are entirely within your control. If you don't think you drink excessively, then I don't see where the feeling of guilt comes from. If you do think you cut cut back, then do that.

Original poster
Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 08:58

No children. No hes never commented on what I wear.
i realise its a form of low level control, however am I over sensitive always feeling guilty? He says he has no intention of trying to change me or be in control

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 11/02/2025 08:53

Sounds like he was on his best behaviour up until the point he moved in, and now he’s more relaxed his true colours are showing.

UpMyself · 11/02/2025 08:52

Bin him. It won't get better.

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:44

Any children?

User9loooool · 11/02/2025 08:36

He is judging you openly then saying it was a joke. Can you ask him to be honest if he thinks you are drinking a lot? Or is it just he doesn’t approve of it full stop. I know my DP thinks it’s weird if people drink alcohol indoors of a weekday, he only drinks socially. I don’t think it’s weird but he doesn’t say anything negative to me about it. Usually people who have a hang up will do this kind of thing, he is being judgmental and making you feel bad, you could explain you are an adult and can make your own decisions and don’t need a running commentary however he now has turned it round on you to make it seem like you are the problem. Does he comment on things you wear as well?

Swipe left for the next trending thread