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Original poster

No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

309 replies

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:34

One of my closest friends and me go to a mother and baby group. Her DH had dropped her off and she didn't have any way of getting home. She asked me for a ride to the nearest bus stop - 3.5 miles from where we were meeting.

The issue is we had our children with us. She didn't have a car seat for her toddler. I said my concerns (safety and legality) and she said she'd sit the toddler in the foot area in the front so she wouldn't be seen. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with it and it would be my responsibility if anything happened (you just never know). Someone else did it for her, but I wonder if others would have done it for a friend?

I'm in the bad books right now but feel like a friend shouldn't ask for that kind of favour. I feel both like a terrible friend but like I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Felicityjoy · 11/02/2025 09:03

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:37

Assumption someone would drop you at the bus stop?

It's just been preying on my mind and I hate that I was put in that position. But my mother tells me I'm too much of a stickler for rules.

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There’s a difference between following a rule just because it’s a rule, and following it because it’s been put in place for well-founded reasons to do with children's safety.

You were right.

Manchesterbythesea · 11/02/2025 09:03

What about the husband? He happily dropped his wife & baby to a place that sounds like it’s in the back of beyond with no way home. Dickhead.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 09:02

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 09:02

Were there children In all the car seats?

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If they weren't there would never have been an issue. It would have been easy.

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 09:02

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:39

My back seat is full of car seats. There is no room for another adult in there. But I also don't have the taxi exemption, or whatever allows them to do that.

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Were there children In all the car seats?

Brenzett · 11/02/2025 09:01

Omg no !!!! I’d never agree to this !

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 09:00

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/02/2025 08:57

People just have off days

Noones perfect all the time, sometimes people make unwise choices and need a helping hand or even an idea suggested to them

If a genuine friend was struggling and not thinking clearly, I wouldn't be judging her, I'd be offering support. I'd expect the same in return

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Yes, I suspect she was just stuck and didn't think it through. She doesn't have form for this sort of thing. I was surprised.

OP posts:
Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:59

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:57

And no adult at all was at your home so you could have dropped you younger ones off and then drive. Your friend?

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My home is on the other side of town and no, all the adults were at work (or not sure what the married one was up to but she's an hour away, so ...)

I guess I could have dragged one of the teenagers out of school. 😄

OP posts:
CraneBeak · 11/02/2025 08:58

Of course you weren't a bad friend. Good friends don't risk the lives of children.

TaranFollt · 11/02/2025 08:58

Re-framing this; it is a strength to say no in some circumstances.
What we have here, is you having the integrity to not being pushed into something you felt was wrong/unsafe.
Doing the right thing can sometimes come with feelings of unease.
The unease isn't pleasant and can confuse us; but you are not responsible for your friend's feelings.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/02/2025 08:57

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:06

She's a fully capable adult who doesn't need me to arrange her cabs. I am not a cab and don't have an exemption for unrestrained kids btw. I drive safely but the people I share the road with might not that day. You just never know.

If I'd agreed it would be my fine, my conviction, my license and, worst, having to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. Which is what flashed through my head when she asked.

I also can't afford to pay for a cab for her.

Edited
Show quote history

People just have off days

Noones perfect all the time, sometimes people make unwise choices and need a helping hand or even an idea suggested to them

If a genuine friend was struggling and not thinking clearly, I wouldn't be judging her, I'd be offering support. I'd expect the same in return

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:57

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:55

From adults to preschoolers. I committed the Mumsnet sin of having a large family. 😀

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And no adult at all was at your home so you could have dropped you younger ones off and then drive. Your friend?

RedHelenB · 11/02/2025 08:56

The issue wasn't the car seat. The issue was that you didn't have space in the car. So ywnbu.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:55

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:52

How old are your children out of interest op?

From adults to preschoolers. I committed the Mumsnet sin of having a large family. 😀

OP posts:
Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:54

Thank you all for your time with my question. It's been helpful to reflect with you.

I think I did do the right and legal thing and I will be asking my friend to let me know in advance next time, so I can bring the big car and a car seat. Then there is no issue for either of us. It gives her an option while avoiding asking me for things I am very uncomfortable with. Then I can maintain my boundaries while being available to help if needed, so she always has an option. She just has to be responsible for giving me notice.

OP posts:
Moonlightstars · 11/02/2025 08:52

What a shit housing estate as well. Imagine living somewhere where you had to drive (or use a bike - which on country roads I would hate with kids). There is a reason I live in a city.

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:52

How old are your children out of interest op?

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:50

MumonabikeE5 · 11/02/2025 08:49

Where I live you would be crawling along at 15mph, so that wouldn’t be so risky.
but if you were 3.5mikea from a bus stop I imagine you’d have been on faster roads
which ever way it would be a hard no from me.
I guess this is when a buggy with a car seat make sense.

It's a 30mph road.

OP posts:
TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 11/02/2025 08:50

Auldlang · 11/02/2025 08:48

Utter fucking offensive bollocks. I do not drive, but I do have a functioning brain.

Do you usually enjoy silly generalisations?

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Agreed. What an ignorant comment.

I don't drive. My two have car seats which I picked out looking at safety ratings on the ADAC website. My 4.5 year old still faces backwards. Neither child wear their coats in the seats.

Just because I don't drive doesn't mean I can't read about car safety.

Bloody hell. People on the internet can be so stupid.

Auldlang · 11/02/2025 08:49

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:00

I'm a bit confused why her partner dropped her off with no way of getting home? I'm also a bit 😬 that she would have cycled the roads with a toddler? Or are there cycle paths?

Lots of people do. I would never have the guts but it's not at all uncommon.

MumonabikeE5 · 11/02/2025 08:49

Where I live you would be crawling along at 15mph, so that wouldn’t be so risky.
but if you were 3.5mikea from a bus stop I imagine you’d have been on faster roads
which ever way it would be a hard no from me.
I guess this is when a buggy with a car seat make sense.

Zonder · 11/02/2025 08:49

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:52

No room, unless I put one in the front seat, but it has air bags and then I couldn't have fit my friend. 😁Everyone else there would have been using their car seats too.

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Fair enough then.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 11/02/2025 08:48

I really don't know why any mother would put their child's life at risk like that.

IVbumble · 11/02/2025 08:48

Legally you couldn't take her toddler in the car as no spare car seat - you did the right thing.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:48

MumonabikeE5 · 11/02/2025 08:47

You are right.

but I can’t imagine living 3.5miles from
a bus stop.
sounds like a nightmare.

The person whose home it is drives, so it's not an issue for them. It will get bus services, just not yet.

OP posts:
Zonder · 11/02/2025 08:48

Itcostshowmuchnow · 11/02/2025 08:31

It was not the OPs problem to fix. She did the right thing and her friend should take responsibility for her own safe transportation.

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I didn't say it was. But if she wanted to help her friend she could have done that. No man is an island and all that.

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