Page 2 | No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

farmlife2 · 2025-02-11T07:34:06+00:00

One of my closest friends and me go to a mother and baby group. Her DH had dropped her off and she didn't have any way of getting home. She asked me for a ride to the nearest bus stop - 3.5 miles from where we were meeting. The issue is we had our children with us. She didn't have a car seat for her toddler. I said my concerns (safety and legality) and she said she'd sit the toddler in the foot area in the front so she wouldn't be seen. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with it and it would be my responsibility if anything happened (you just never know). Someone else did it for her, but I wonder if others would have done it for a friend? I'm in the bad books right now but feel like a friend shouldn't ask for that kind of favour. I feel both like a terrible friend but like I did the right thing.

abs12 · 13/02/2025 20:51

farmlife2 · 13/02/2025 20:10

I didn't think so say as it seemed a no brainer that if there had been a spare car seat, this would never have even been an issue.

To answer, she literally asked as everyone was packed up and heading out the door, myself included. You know that stage where everyone has their bags over their shoulder, young babies in capsules being held and carried, coats already on, front door open.

She was going to put her child on her knee. I told her I was concerned about getting in trouble for having an unrestrained child and the safety and that's when she said she would put her on the floor out of view. I said I couldn't do that and she asked someone else. That person, who only had one child with them, did say yes. I don't know what the seating arrangements were in that car. She got home safely in the end.

I have since told her that I am happy to help her out if she is stuck for transport if she gives me notice, so I can make sure I can do it. It's no trouble and I can do better than dropping her at the bus stop, I can take her all the way home. I don't mind if it happens every month, if I'm going. It's not much out of my way.

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You're a great friend OP. She's lucky to have you.

Original poster

farmlife2 · 13/02/2025 20:10

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2025 10:43

Confusing. So many people have had to ask to clarify. Why couldn't you have just said in the first post.
"I had three children in the back of my car in car seats.. and only the front passenger seat was free. So the friend said they would put the child in the front footwell at their feet."
Effectively your car was full.
Also, at first it sounded like a group at a public place miles from anywhere. but it turns out another mother was hosting, presumably at their home?
If it was at a friends, You wouldn't have been leaving her high and dry in the cold at a bus stop but at a friends house, in the warm, with an extra phone, where she could have got a cab. Presumably friend had a mobile herself.
There were other people there including the host who might have had space or you could have all sat down and worked something out together whilst you were all meeting.
Did everyone else just zoom off?
How did she get home in the end?
If she got home safely in the end it's probably not worth worrying about. Your friend will have learnt the lesson to be more prepared in future.. phone someone else that's coming and ask them to bring a spare car seat she can borrow temporarily, even if its in someone else's car.

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I didn't think so say as it seemed a no brainer that if there had been a spare car seat, this would never have even been an issue.

To answer, she literally asked as everyone was packed up and heading out the door, myself included. You know that stage where everyone has their bags over their shoulder, young babies in capsules being held and carried, coats already on, front door open.

She was going to put her child on her knee. I told her I was concerned about getting in trouble for having an unrestrained child and the safety and that's when she said she would put her on the floor out of view. I said I couldn't do that and she asked someone else. That person, who only had one child with them, did say yes. I don't know what the seating arrangements were in that car. She got home safely in the end.

I have since told her that I am happy to help her out if she is stuck for transport if she gives me notice, so I can make sure I can do it. It's no trouble and I can do better than dropping her at the bus stop, I can take her all the way home. I don't mind if it happens every month, if I'm going. It's not much out of my way.

OP posts:

Northernladdette · 13/02/2025 18:32

If she was a good friend, she wouldn’t have asked you to do this 🙄

Cakeorchocolate · 13/02/2025 17:07

Absolutely not. I am a stickler for car seat safety.
Best suggestion if she's in the same situation in future, is to rope in someone else from the group and 1 of you take the child (if someone has a seat spare, 1 take the adult.)

changedusernameforthis1 · 13/02/2025 16:10

Absolutely not, you did the right thing.

If they were really stranded and didn't have money, I'd have offered to pay for a taxi but I wouldn't have broken the law.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 13/02/2025 13:24

Convolvulus · 13/02/2025 10:01

That does not say what you claimed, i.e. "You’re legally allowed to have a child on your lap, for a one off journey, or if there is no room for another car seat". It is only for emergencies. By no stretch of the imagination was this an emergency.

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It literally says for an “unexpected journey” or if there is no space for another car seat 🙄

crankytoes · 13/02/2025 13:20

JollyZebra · 11/02/2025 08:23

You titled this " No regrets"?? If you were happy that your decision was right and have no regrets over it, you don't need anyone here to validate your actions.
It seems, that despite the title, you do have misgivings. Just talk to your friend. If she just expected that someone would give her a lift from the group, then she needs to realise that is not on and must not repeat it.

Even if you know you are completely in the right, it's not a nice feeling when you think someone is now cross with you

crankytoes · 13/02/2025 13:13

Newname85 · 11/02/2025 07:58

Why wouldn’t you put the toddler in one of the car seats ? Also, are your car seats permanent fixtures? Seems quite weird that you cannot accommodate small adjustments for a “friend”

Child in the footwell - absolute no.

looks like you didn’t want to help your friend and were making terrible excuses for it.

Critical thinking and reading a bit lacking on your part.

Why do you think there were car seats in the back? Think about it. Give it a minute

Cakeandusername · 13/02/2025 11:04

www.markthompsonlaw.com/child-seat-not-of-correct-size/

Cakeandusername · 13/02/2025 11:02

You did the right thing op. How ridiculous for your friend to put you in that situation.
As driver responsibility is on you.
There was a case a few years ago where mum driving had put young child in booster not appropriate seat that was there and there was a collision. Child seriously injured. Whilst the other driver was at fault mum was brought into proceedings for contributory negligence.
Imagine having to read court papers blaming you for a child’s life changing injuries.

abs12 · 13/02/2025 11:00

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:34

Well for future reference there's usually just a switch, often in the glove box. I'd never put a kid in the front with one on cos airbags are dangerous - the benefits outweigh the risks for an adult but not a child.

As per the gov link above & once you find the off switch for the airbag (just remember to put it back on after) you now know you could have helped, with some buggering about, both legally & as safely as you could have. Definitely safer than being on a bike with a toddler on roads as she would normally do.

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Nope. She could not have helped. At that moment in time she did not know about the airbag switch. Pointless.

Secondly, OP said no. So it's not her problem, blame the crap mother, it's absolutely solely her problem.

TheOnlyWayisGerard · 13/02/2025 10:45

Newhorizons8 · 13/02/2025 08:35

My 7yo has never rode in a car seat. I just used to put him on my lap. We don't own a car but have used plenty of Ubers or had lifts from family/friends with no issues. I would have thought you were being pretty ridiculous.

You're pretty ridiculous if you think this is acceptable. You're extremely lucky you've never been in an accident.

You did the correct thing, OP. If you were involved in an accident (and statistically most accidents happen close to home), you'd have felt terrible if the child was injured or worse.
Oh, and for those insisting OP change the car seats round for the friend to travel in the back with the child (which is still illegal!), not all passenger seat airbags can be disabled, so not suitable for fitting a car seat in anyway.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2025 10:43

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 09:04

Yes.

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Confusing. So many people have had to ask to clarify. Why couldn't you have just said in the first post.
"I had three children in the back of my car in car seats.. and only the front passenger seat was free. So the friend said they would put the child in the front footwell at their feet."
Effectively your car was full.
Also, at first it sounded like a group at a public place miles from anywhere. but it turns out another mother was hosting, presumably at their home?
If it was at a friends, You wouldn't have been leaving her high and dry in the cold at a bus stop but at a friends house, in the warm, with an extra phone, where she could have got a cab. Presumably friend had a mobile herself.
There were other people there including the host who might have had space or you could have all sat down and worked something out together whilst you were all meeting.
Did everyone else just zoom off?
How did she get home in the end?
If she got home safely in the end it's probably not worth worrying about. Your friend will have learnt the lesson to be more prepared in future.. phone someone else that's coming and ask them to bring a spare car seat she can borrow temporarily, even if its in someone else's car.

AliasGrape · 13/02/2025 10:40

I wouldn't have done this OP, you were absolutely in the right.

I've had it before when a relative brought my nieces over to mine, the plan was for us all to drive to an activity in my car. However, when they arrived it transpired that they had no car seats, relative (not their parent) was looking after them for the day, and everyone knew the plans involved driving, but neither relative nor the parents had thought to ensure they had car seats in the car they'd be travelling in. They weren't toddlers but certainly still of an age/ size to need high back boosters. I just said I wouldn't take them in my car, was happy to do a different activity within walking distance. They were insistent on original plan so I said well you'll have to take them in your car then. Was definitely branded as awkward, but just not something I was prepared to do.

Have had the same on a family holiday abroad when I insisted on waiting for the taxi with a car seat we had prebooked - not stopping anyone else going with the quicker option as we were having to take several anyway so they could all get the ones from outside the hotel, but I just explained that DD and I would wait for the one with the car seat. Lots of rolling eyes and patronising talk about how 'anxious' I was and it wasn't a legal requirement blah blah. I don't care, I'll do what I think is the best and safest option for my DD, however neurotic others think that makes me.

Marshbird · 13/02/2025 10:38

Error

pollymere · 13/02/2025 10:19

If I'd been in this situation, I'd have brought the car seat with me and messaged people to ask for a lift before I set off. What was she going to do if everyone had said no?

It was obvious you didn't have room in your car so she was unkind to ask. My DH would have insisted I had money for a taxi just in case or I'd have walked to the bus stop rather than risking my child's life like that.

Definitely don't feel bad.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 13/02/2025 10:04

Well done! I am impressed that you stood your ground and wonder if I would have been as strong as you. I really hope so.

BrokenWing · 13/02/2025 10:03

I've been in a similar situation, with my SIL who insisted it was fine for me to sit in the back seat with ds on my lap and the same seatbelt around both ds and I 🤯 (she works in child health/welfare!)

The situation was exacerbated by us leaving in the first standard car taxi, they ordered a 6 seater as they had a larger family, and something went wrong with their car and they were stuck for over an hour waiting for it.

All my fault apparently and she wouldn't let it go for a long time.

You haven't done anything, stand by your decision.

Convolvulus · 13/02/2025 10:01

Reallyneedsaholiday · 13/02/2025 09:51

Right here! On the link you posted 😂

Edited

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That does not say what you claimed, i.e. "You’re legally allowed to have a child on your lap, for a one off journey, or if there is no room for another car seat". It is only for emergencies. By no stretch of the imagination was this an emergency.

Gogogo12345 · 13/02/2025 09:59

Whoarethoseguys · 11/02/2025 11:00

OP isn't a taxi though, it wasn't an emergency and presumably there was room for a car seat.

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There wasn't room for another car seat

Reallyneedsaholiday · 13/02/2025 09:51

Convolvulus · 13/02/2025 09:41

Not true. Time to post the link again: https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

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Right here! On the link you posted 😂

No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

Bamboozledbylife · 13/02/2025 09:50

Nope, give the situation, I'd have said no too.

Goldbar · 13/02/2025 09:49

No. Regardless of the risks involved, which people might assess differently, I would never ask a friend to do something illegal that might get them into trouble with the police.

Disenchantedone · 13/02/2025 09:42

If you don't have travel you don't go, or ask a friend in advance. If you were hit in a head on collision and her baby was killed, it would have been you held responsible. Anyone saying you should have done it clearly doesn't care about the safety of the child. You were right.

Convolvulus · 13/02/2025 09:41

Reallyneedsaholiday · 13/02/2025 09:34

You’re legally allowed to have a child on your lap, for a one off journey, or if there is no room for another car seat. However, they MUST travel in the rear of the vehicle. Whether you deem it “safe” or not, is another issue, but she’d face the same situation in a taxi. The fact is that you didn’t have room for her and her child, so were not being unreasonable to not give her a lift. The suggestion of putting the child in the footwell would be laughable, if it wasn’t so dangerous.

Not true. Time to post the link again: https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat