Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

309 replies

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:34

One of my closest friends and me go to a mother and baby group. Her DH had dropped her off and she didn't have any way of getting home. She asked me for a ride to the nearest bus stop - 3.5 miles from where we were meeting.

The issue is we had our children with us. She didn't have a car seat for her toddler. I said my concerns (safety and legality) and she said she'd sit the toddler in the foot area in the front so she wouldn't be seen. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with it and it would be my responsibility if anything happened (you just never know). Someone else did it for her, but I wonder if others would have done it for a friend?

I'm in the bad books right now but feel like a friend shouldn't ask for that kind of favour. I feel both like a terrible friend but like I did the right thing.

OP posts:
ChocolatesAndRainbows · 11/02/2025 08:29

Its your responsibility as a driver to ensure all passengers are safe and secure. So you were right not to drive her. It's your licence not hers

Flamingoknees · 11/02/2025 08:27

No way - and I was born in1969, when you sat on your parents knee on the front seat, and no one wore a seat belt. Even a dog needs a seat belt in my car.

SunLift · 11/02/2025 08:27

I don’t drive. When my DC were small In those situations I took my car seat with me and got a taxi back.
She should have planned her own journey back better. As a mother I honestly can’t believe she was happy to have her child in the footwell - putting being seen over her own child’s safety!
If you had had an accident you would have been all over the papers and blamed. She was selfish.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:26

JollyZebra · 11/02/2025 08:23

You titled this " No regrets"?? If you were happy that your decision was right and have no regrets over it, you don't need anyone here to validate your actions.
It seems, that despite the title, you do have misgivings. Just talk to your friend. If she just expected that someone would give her a lift from the group, then she needs to realise that is not on and must not repeat it.

I don't regret it because I know it was the right thing. If anything happened, it would be on me. I do have a habit of second guessing myself and wondering if other people would feel the same.

OP posts:
bumbers1 · 11/02/2025 08:25

No, I wouldn't have given her a lift. You did the right thing

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:24

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:23

Like I say, airbag off, seat in the front then mum & kid in the back.

I'd argue that's far safer than being two squishy humans on a bike on a road without a cycle path which is what she would ordinarily do. Pretty sure the stats would bear that out, too.

Show quote history

I have no idea how to disable my airbags, if I even can.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 08:24

I'm glad they found a lift. You did the right thing, Op.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 11/02/2025 08:24

1)She should have arranged her own transport
2) When it became apparent there was no way she could safely get her and kid to destination she should have booked a cab
3)She should be understanding of why you’ve declined rather than making you feel shit about doing what is safe, legal and what you feel comfortable with

JollyZebra · 11/02/2025 08:23

You titled this " No regrets"?? If you were happy that your decision was right and have no regrets over it, you don't need anyone here to validate your actions.
It seems, that despite the title, you do have misgivings. Just talk to your friend. If she just expected that someone would give her a lift from the group, then she needs to realise that is not on and must not repeat it.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 11/02/2025 08:23

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:10

She's usually very responsible and self-sufficient. This isn't something I'd have expected from her.

Show quote history

You were right not to risk taking a child in the footwell which is dangerous. Your friend sounds very irresponsible going to an event she can’t get back from and not just calling a taxi, apart from risking her toddlers life.

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:23

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:15

Wider car. I have three car seats that were all occupied. Unless I stuck a kid and seat in the boot, I couldn't get another person in there, so that isn't even an option to consider.

Show quote history

Like I say, airbag off, seat in the front then mum & kid in the back.

I'd argue that's far safer than being two squishy humans on a bike on a road without a cycle path which is what she would ordinarily do. Pretty sure the stats would bear that out, too.

Berthatydfil · 11/02/2025 08:22

Sorry I didnt read that.
if that is the case then you had no room for 2 extra passengers.

MurderSheWrote2025 · 11/02/2025 08:22

I was asked this many years ago now when my kids were little. I said no for the same reason. They wanted driving round the lake rather than catching the ferry back. I didn’t hesitate to say no. I wasn’t that friendly with the person who wanted the lift but I was friendly with the person who asked me on their behalf. Didn’t change my relationship with either of them as far as I could tell although I suspect there was some moaning at the time from the person who wanted the lift.

BendingSpoons · 11/02/2025 08:22

This is illegal right? If stopped by the police you would be in big trouble. If there was an accident, you would be held responsible as the driver. I don't do illegal things for my friends.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:22

user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 08:19

Did someone else at the group have a spare seat for them both?
She was in a pickle.
Did she get a taxi?

I would have had to have helped?
Could your child have waited at the group meeting with a friend while you drove friend home, as a one off?

Someone took her who only had one child themself. I don't know what arrangements they made for sitting the child in that car. That wasn't my concern.

Yes, I could have asked someone to stay with my child while I took her and gone back but it didn't occur to me, didn't occur to my friend since she didn't suggest it. Everyone was getting ready to leave and I'd have felt bad imposing on the host anyway as it would have meant she had people around longer than she had planned for.

OP posts:
TaylorSwish · 11/02/2025 08:21

harijes · 11/02/2025 07:54

I would not have out a toddler in the footwell or boot.

However, for a close friend I would have found an alternative. Left one child with another parent and taken her there and come back. It would not have taken long.

i would have done that too but I have found out the hard way that once you do it people expect it every week and then take the piss.

Newname85 · 11/02/2025 08:21

In your place, I wouldn’t leave her there to figure it out on her own. I’d probably support her or just be with her as she approaches other people for help.

BetweenStars · 11/02/2025 08:20

You did the right thing. Your car, your responsibility. She can say what she likes about you but it’s her shit parenting not yours.

5128gap · 11/02/2025 08:20

No. Its very dangerous and I wouldn't enable her to put her child at risk. I'd have offered to get her a taxi if she was desperate and I could afford it as a one off, but i wouldn't want to be too involved with someone who couldn't organise basic arrangements to get home and expected me to take risks to sort her out.

LostittoBostik · 11/02/2025 08:19

@IridescentRainbow it's not illegal - the law is very flexible around it.
More than it should be IMO; but it's not illegal in a circumstance like this (in extremis)

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:19

Berthatydfil · 11/02/2025 08:18

Why couldnt that child sit in one of those seats?

Show quote history

Yet again, because my children were in those seats. All of them. Unless you're suggesting I should put her child in the seat and let mine sit on the floor. I'm not putting my child at risk.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 08:19

Did someone else at the group have a spare seat for them both?
She was in a pickle.
Did she get a taxi?

I would have had to have helped?
Could your child have waited at the group meeting with a friend while you drove friend home, as a one off?

Berthatydfil · 11/02/2025 08:18

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:39

My back seat is full of car seats. There is no room for another adult in there. But I also don't have the taxi exemption, or whatever allows them to do that.

Show quote history

Why couldnt that child sit in one of those seats?

LostittoBostik · 11/02/2025 08:17

If there were three car seats in the back with 3 children in YANBU.

If you only had 2 children with you I would have offered the chance for her to sit in the middle with the toddler on her lap as that is legal. She might have refused it but at least you would have offered her an option.

YANBU to refuse the front seat.

IridescentRainbow · 11/02/2025 08:17

fourelementary · 11/02/2025 07:37

Why couldn’t she have sat in the back with toddler in the middle? Like you’d do in a taxi without a car seat? It was the toddler in the footwell that was the biggest issue for me… so you were both being unreasonable to not think of a better solution.

It’s illegal and dangerous, that’s why.

Swipe left for the next trending thread