Page 8 | Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

Bluebrownies · 2025-02-10T23:28:59+00:00

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc. She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family. The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything. We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them. There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one). I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 19:53

dayoffvibes · 11/02/2025 19:31

So it transpired she's generous, thoughtful and able to eat humble grapes.

I hope your son is as forgiving as she was.

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'Forgiving'? It's good that this girl has opened up, but there was nothing to 'forgive'. If anything, it's OP who has been very kind and tolerant. She was absolutely right to show this girl some tough love and lot let her be a snidey little bitch. If she had listened to her silly husband and some commenters on here, none of this clearing of the air would have happened. As for her son, he clearly has a fair amount of growing up to do, and actually comes out of this looking worse than his gf.

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 19:51

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 19:41

MN is a strange place.

A few weeks ago there was a post about a woman not being allowed the breastfeed in her mum’s home because it made her mum uncomfortable. There were SCORES of posters telling her that it’s her mum’s home, that’s that and she can make any demands for any reason - she could even tell someone to leave if she didn’t like their face because It’s Her Home.

Then you have the OP who has a very rude house guest making misogynistic comments in front of teenage girls effectively saying they’re part of a fat ugly group, and OP is overreacting, her guest isn’t rude just honest and has a right to say what she wants, sounds amazing and OP is just fat jealous and old

It makes me think posters just come on to be contrary to the OP so they can stick the boot in and make themselves feel better about their shitty lives

I think that you're right. I'm trying to imagine what the comments would be like if the girl posted her side of the story. I'm sure that the commenters who are defending her and saying that they'd 'like to hear her side of the story' would in actual fact rip her to shreds. And they would actually be correct to, but they are being complete hypocrites and as you say, are just having a go at the OP for the sake of being contrarian and annoying.

justasking111 · 11/02/2025 19:49

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 19:26

Just a final little update. All is well now.

Sat and chatted with her and my son most of the evening, it's been a very productive chat where she has been open about her own relationship with food and how that originates from both her childhood and attending an all girls boarding school which had an issue with "competitive under eating".
She showed me her family and her mum, siblings and grandma are all also thin as sticks so I imagine it was ingrained into her. She was also talking about how she went to university in America (on an athletics scholarship so clearly very sports focussed) and how when their she felt she had to force herself to be strict and righteous about eating as with fast food and junk food culture there she felt like she was at risk of slipping into unhealthy habits.
She admitted that she wasn't really thinking and is very sorry for causing any offence. We also discussed how some of it is cultural, some of it is from her family and personal background and some just her being thoughtless.
Learnt lots about her though, her family own a gorgeous home on the banks of Lake Maggiore, she was showing some of the pictures and it looks stunning so perhaps If they are together for a while, I can visit Italy!

They have now ordered pizza for the whole family, she claims that her Italian friends say it is the best takeaway pizza in London so we will see how good it is, but everyone is on good terms now!

My friends son has a lovely Greek partner. They've all had a couple of wonderful holidays over there with her family. Everyone hopes they'll get married 😄

Rewis · 11/02/2025 19:48

I can't believe so many comemnters are totally cool with an adult couple (or any couple) sitting in each other's laps feeding each other dessert in a pub/restaurant. It's weird af if they were alone. But in company?!

One commenter mentioned how Italians are touchy feely. I've been clearly to the touristy parts of Italy without proper Italians cause everyone on double date was sitting in their own seats.

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 19:41

MN is a strange place.

A few weeks ago there was a post about a woman not being allowed the breastfeed in her mum’s home because it made her mum uncomfortable. There were SCORES of posters telling her that it’s her mum’s home, that’s that and she can make any demands for any reason - she could even tell someone to leave if she didn’t like their face because It’s Her Home.

Then you have the OP who has a very rude house guest making misogynistic comments in front of teenage girls effectively saying they’re part of a fat ugly group, and OP is overreacting, her guest isn’t rude just honest and has a right to say what she wants, sounds amazing and OP is just fat jealous and old

It makes me think posters just come on to be contrary to the OP so they can stick the boot in and make themselves feel better about their shitty lives

dayoffvibes · 11/02/2025 19:31

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 15:32

So, they got back maybe 45 min ago, she came into the kitchen separate from my son with flowers, chocolates, wine and a card. She said thank you for letting me stay and apologised if she came across rude and for upsetting/offending me. I reassured her they were welcome to stay and she said that she was thinking of leaving early anyway to see Edinburgh and her family are going skiing next week so she is looking forward to joining them. She told me she said to my son he could stay and join her in a couple of weeks but he insisted he wanted to go with her. She has also brought some beers for my husband (who hates wine) and Ferrari Caps for my girls (both newly into F1 and have been learning about it from her through the week, (she joked the Ferrari caps are to stop them becoming McLaren fans).
So while I'm sad they are leaving early, and I'm sure my conversation probably took the decision to leave from a maybe to a for sure, I think it could be worse over all.

So it transpired she's generous, thoughtful and able to eat humble grapes.

I hope your son is as forgiving as she was.

Umbilicat · 11/02/2025 19:30

Well done OP for talking it through with her, just shows what can be achieved by f to f conversation rather than just venting on Mumsnet. Wish you all the best.

Original poster

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 19:26

Just a final little update. All is well now.

Sat and chatted with her and my son most of the evening, it's been a very productive chat where she has been open about her own relationship with food and how that originates from both her childhood and attending an all girls boarding school which had an issue with "competitive under eating".
She showed me her family and her mum, siblings and grandma are all also thin as sticks so I imagine it was ingrained into her. She was also talking about how she went to university in America (on an athletics scholarship so clearly very sports focussed) and how when their she felt she had to force herself to be strict and righteous about eating as with fast food and junk food culture there she felt like she was at risk of slipping into unhealthy habits.
She admitted that she wasn't really thinking and is very sorry for causing any offence. We also discussed how some of it is cultural, some of it is from her family and personal background and some just her being thoughtless.
Learnt lots about her though, her family own a gorgeous home on the banks of Lake Maggiore, she was showing some of the pictures and it looks stunning so perhaps If they are together for a while, I can visit Italy!

They have now ordered pizza for the whole family, she claims that her Italian friends say it is the best takeaway pizza in London so we will see how good it is, but everyone is on good terms now!

OP posts:

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 11/02/2025 19:21

Doloresparton · 11/02/2025 03:04

I’m not Italian but I agree about the jars of sauce, they're awful.
It takes only a little longer to make a good tomato sauce from scratch.
Tastes far better too. Mutti tomatoes are the best btw.

As for the pda you have to be blunt and tell them to knock it off.

The Heinz ones are 100% natural. Absolutely nothing artificial added. Have a look

Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 11/02/2025 19:15

@Flakeisanakedtwirl It means Public Displays of Affection, not personal

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 19:05

Notsosure1 · 11/02/2025 18:57

The thing is. If OP’s son or daughter was staying for THREE WEEKS at the house of the parents of their newish gf/bf, who they hadn’t met before, and the mother made a dish typically associated with Britain - but it wasn’t up to scratch or they’d done the simple version of it - but clearly liked it - where’s the fucking harm?! Should the brit be insulted on behalf of our country and culture and heritage? Are you ppl serious? Should they laugh derisively at their attempt, or get angry over it and tell them how bloody shit it is and how it SHOULD be done?

What is the difference and why is it acceptable this way round?

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I agree. There seem to be a lot of self hating, bootlicking Brits on this thread, who sneer at our nationality and seem to valorise anything 'European' in a really annoying, toadying way. Some Americans are like that, as well. It is absolutely ridiculous. I don't know if it is overcompensation for Brexit, or what, but it is very tedious. Especially as a lot of people who are actually Italian and Southern European have piped up and said that this girl isn't being 'Italian' she is being rude! (I get that she apologised, and that's to her credit, but let's not pretend she wasn't being a little madam in the first place)

Notsosure1 · 11/02/2025 18:57

Hazey19 · 11/02/2025 18:22

oh she sounds delightful, YANBU at all but I did have to laugh about the dolmio sauce when she’s Italian 😂

The thing is. If OP’s son or daughter was staying for THREE WEEKS at the house of the parents of their newish gf/bf, who they hadn’t met before, and the mother made a dish typically associated with Britain - but it wasn’t up to scratch or they’d done the simple version of it - but clearly liked it - where’s the fucking harm?! Should the brit be insulted on behalf of our country and culture and heritage? Are you ppl serious? Should they laugh derisively at their attempt, or get angry over it and tell them how bloody shit it is and how it SHOULD be done?

What is the difference and why is it acceptable this way round?

PandaTime · 11/02/2025 18:49

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2025 17:40

If whatever you're 'sharing your opinions' on something that isn't the topic of the conversation or they weren't asked for, then you're being rude

That's not a sign of strength or confidence, it's a sign you're opinionated without care for your audience and that's not something to be praised

Although on the other hand, she does have good manners too!

It's the OP's son, who should know his mother isn't keen on overt PDAs in public who's the rude one

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If the OP isn't keen on PDA then she is free to not indulge in PDA. But she doesn't get to control what other people do outside of her house.

tedibear · 11/02/2025 18:35

I like to make some excuses or exceptions u know for being young etc. However I think this is her, it's just how she is. She says it as she sees it regardless of anyone else's feelings or whether it's rude.

What does ur son say or do in these situations. Especially if u pull her up and say wow that's rude. U wld think he wld be a bit embarrassed and ask her to tone it down around his family, maybe keep some opinions to herself etc. I'd have been mortified if my bf was saying things like that to my family.

Ur dh needs to stop sticking up for her, ur really not being unreasonable.

The pda I cld forgive if she was otherwise nice. I bet ur just hoping and praying they split up!

Creameded · 11/02/2025 18:25

OP, children learn consideration of others primarily from their parents.

You were absolutely correct to calmly lay down a marker for how you expect to be treated in your own home.

I think you have handled this well.

She has clearly reflected on her behaviour and has tried to mske amends, which is to her credit.

You have rightly responded with graciousness and kindness.
Hopefully you can all move forward.

It is easy to see how some parents are mistreated by their adult children, when it is a relationship at any price.

You have rightly pointed out to your son that you expect to be treated with respect, particularly in your own home.

wotaloadashite · 11/02/2025 18:23

Apologies as I've only read about half the thread but I think I'd be trying to stop the unpleasant comments with a few stock answers.

For example, don't like the dinner? "Come on and show us how it's done then. You're cooking tomorrow."
Slags off size and shape of Brits: "it comes to us all as we get older, and it's more important to be a decent human than what we look like"
Clothes sense: "we need to dress for cold weather here, you're lucky enough not to have to"

I'm sure better people than me will come up with some close-down comments which might shut her up. All the better if her food critiquing ends up in her having to do some work!

Hazey19 · 11/02/2025 18:22

oh she sounds delightful, YANBU at all but I did have to laugh about the dolmio sauce when she’s Italian 😂

justasking111 · 11/02/2025 18:18

I remember sitting on my husbands lap in front of his parents.

She's not wrong about jar of Bolognese sauce. It's so easy to make it big pan, freezing in batches.

She isn't wrong about badly dressed at this time of year. We're all trying to keep warm.

She sounds okay to be honest. My boys and their mates have turned up with worse. I was polite to all of them just in case they ended up marrying one.😄

She's apologised, built bridges. Let it go now.

OH and my sons did bring home foreign girlfriends, Belgian, Italian, Bermudan, Costa rican, Chinese. We learnt a lot about their cultures. They did cook for us which was nice.

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 18:18

LaceWingMother · 11/02/2025 18:13

He's 23 - it's absolutely none of your business. (And Brits are fat compared to many other nationalities!)

Why is being insulted in her own home 'none of her business'? Also, read the updates. She called out this girl, and the girl apologied.

LaceWingMother · 11/02/2025 18:13

He's 23 - it's absolutely none of your business. (And Brits are fat compared to many other nationalities!)

prayforpillsthatwontaffectmeonthemorningafter · 11/02/2025 18:10

So? She's your sons girlfriend, not your girlfriend. She will drive him away in a couple of weeks anyway. Trust me, there is nothing men hate more than an overconfident and opinionated woman once the novelty wears off.

Abracadabra12345 · 11/02/2025 18:05

jellyfishperiwinkle · 11/02/2025 02:39

As a guest there is no way you should criticise your host's cooking skills and culture.

But... I'd definitely be offering to cook you something from scratch or going to eat elsewhere or want to stay elsewhere if you kept offering jar and packet based meals and baked potatoes with no veg.

It's so easy to make a pasta sauce from scratch and to serve veg with every meal. One of the things I loved about DH was his MIL's cooking. My DM is not a cook by any means but she would make such an effort when DH came to stay.

Edited

The son and gf don't eat OP's food and not everyone cooks your way

SunnyIslandSea · 11/02/2025 17:57

Awe I’m glad to read your update OP. She could have taken advantage of the situation as she knows your DS isn’t happy with you, so could have said nothing to you and acted really hurt and victimised but shes taken everything you’ve said on board and tried her best to make amends plus given thoughtful gifts to everyone. I think she values family and doesn’t want to upset the relationship between you and your son, this is all really positive.

How has your DS responded? I would have a quiet chat with him. Is he still hurt?

He brought her home because he wanted your approval, do you now feel like you’ve warmed to her a little bit? If so, maybe use this an opportunity to say it? Personally I would say ‘I’m glad we got everything out in the open, that you’re really grateful for her response and she seems like a nice girl’

Leave it on a high note.

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 17:53

gannett · 11/02/2025 17:46

Late to this now it's been resolved but I honestly think it's a bit snowflakey to be offended to the point of starting an internet thread about any of this. Shock horror, an Italian is opinionated about "proper food". As someone who's followed that Italians Mad At Food account for years I have to say I just find it all very amusing,

Reminds me of one of my best friends, who's French and works in fashion, sidling up to me at a party we were at and mock-whispering "why do Englishwoman dress so BADLY". I found it funny because she was obviously doing a bit and not personally insulting me.

She was also correct on all the food and drink fronts. Not a lie told. But you'd have been pretty well within your rights to pull her up sharply on the body image stuff around your daughters.

It's nice that she's apologised (because yes, she didn't need to be so correct out loud) but this is really mountain out of a molehill territory.

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Your friend is rude, and PLENTY of French people are both fat and very badly dressed. These stereotypes are all so 2010s, if not 20th Century.

MeridianB · 11/02/2025 17:51

Just read your update - well done for raising it all. It sounds like she dealt with it better than your son! I'm shocked at a 23yo thinking it's lovely for everyone else to be in the company of a slobbering couple.

Sorry you lost out on a longer stay from him but on balance I think it's a good thing they have buggered off.