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AIBU?

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Original poster

Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

944 replies

Bluebrownies · 10/02/2025 23:28

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

OP posts:
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Lampros · 11/02/2025 23:08

OneFineDay13 · 11/02/2025 23:06

she sounds like an absolute cunt OP

Bit harsh?? It sounds like she's really to apologise to OP

OneFineDay13 · 11/02/2025 23:06

she sounds like an absolute cunt OP

Original poster
Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 23:05

Notsosure1 · 11/02/2025 22:37

Also wondering if finances didn’t stretch to them leaving their free base right now

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They are still leaving, so I don't think the apology is anything to do with money.

OP posts:
Notsosure1 · 11/02/2025 22:37

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 19:53

'Forgiving'? It's good that this girl has opened up, but there was nothing to 'forgive'. If anything, it's OP who has been very kind and tolerant. She was absolutely right to show this girl some tough love and lot let her be a snidey little bitch. If she had listened to her silly husband and some commenters on here, none of this clearing of the air would have happened. As for her son, he clearly has a fair amount of growing up to do, and actually comes out of this looking worse than his gf.

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Also wondering if finances didn’t stretch to them leaving their free base right now

UndermyShoeJoe · 11/02/2025 22:00

Why would you be sad if your son’s happy?

A lot of larger groups of friends also drift off into smaller closer groups.

Cavello · 11/02/2025 22:00

Whilst I didn't agree with her voicing her opinions. Fgs she just met you all and you are providing her with free accommodation. I have been the foreign gf staying at her bf's parents house in my early 20s. I would never have been so opinionated with them, and went out of my way to be polite and no bother.

Italians are very direct, but not rude. Nevertheless her apology to you speaks volumes of her character. Your DS could do a lot worse than this girl.

ParsnipPuree · 11/02/2025 21:56

I'm in exactly the same position with my ds same age as yours, but his gf is the opposite to yours. This one doesn't say a word unless it's to ds and trying to get her to talk is like sticking pins in my eyes. They've been together for years now and to be honest I've just given up. He sticks to her like a limpet and doesn't have many friends. It really saddens me.

I can imagine how much your ds's gf's unasked for opinions irritate you, but her confidence is probably what attracts him to her. I would argue her opinions with her if you disagree.. better than quiet resentment i think.

JMSA · 11/02/2025 21:45

She sounds tedious and awful!

gannett · 11/02/2025 21:28

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 19:26

Just a final little update. All is well now.

Sat and chatted with her and my son most of the evening, it's been a very productive chat where she has been open about her own relationship with food and how that originates from both her childhood and attending an all girls boarding school which had an issue with "competitive under eating".
She showed me her family and her mum, siblings and grandma are all also thin as sticks so I imagine it was ingrained into her. She was also talking about how she went to university in America (on an athletics scholarship so clearly very sports focussed) and how when their she felt she had to force herself to be strict and righteous about eating as with fast food and junk food culture there she felt like she was at risk of slipping into unhealthy habits.
She admitted that she wasn't really thinking and is very sorry for causing any offence. We also discussed how some of it is cultural, some of it is from her family and personal background and some just her being thoughtless.
Learnt lots about her though, her family own a gorgeous home on the banks of Lake Maggiore, she was showing some of the pictures and it looks stunning so perhaps If they are together for a while, I can visit Italy!

They have now ordered pizza for the whole family, she claims that her Italian friends say it is the best takeaway pizza in London so we will see how good it is, but everyone is on good terms now!

We're going to need the name of that pizza place OP.

Dideon · 11/02/2025 21:26

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 21:22

Yes

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Are you actually from Italy ?

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 21:22

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 11/02/2025 16:56

Have you actually been to Italy?

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Yes

Dideon · 11/02/2025 21:22

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 16:53

To be fair she is probably used to seeing beautiful people then! She's rude but it is true - even unattractive Italians and Portuguese are better looking than most Brits.

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I’m not sure if you are being serious?

Dideon · 11/02/2025 21:12

Bababear987 · 11/02/2025 12:38

I really cant understand some of what you've written but I'll respond with what I think you were saying.

I didnt say the OP had no fruit and veg but the demon Italian gf commented on it twice I think. Is it so wrong of her to be surprised theres no fruit with bfast and no veg with dinner? I mean that's fairly standard and if the teenagers arent used to seeing that maybe it's a good thing someones pointed it out, even if it comes across a bit rude.

You suggested that OPs husband is only disagreeing with her because he wants his dick sucked (disgusting btw.) That's a bit far fetched and I think he has a point. OP hasnt (by her own admission) liked any of her sons gfs. OP (by her own admission) has high bmi so is possibly extra sensitive to comments that are just true and fair.

I've never said OPs daughters weren't attractive (where are you reading this?) I've said that teenage girls arent blind to today's beauty standards so I dont think the Italian will have done any harm by saying British people in general arent considered attractive and have a problem with weight - this is true. It's a generalisation but it's for the most part true, we simply arent the most attractive nation, it is what it is. Like when I go on holiday to europe i always think the women from Norway through to Portugal are much healthier looking than us. Our combination of carb heavy, sedentary lifestyles mixed with long winters and lack of sunlight just isnt as attractive as people who eat healthier, exercise, drink less and spend more time outdoors.

I'm not bashing OP im disagreeing with her. Personally I'd have put up with the gf, maybe had a quiet word with son about PDAs and just given her the benefit of the dount instead of sitting them down and listing all the things the girl has done that she (alone) has an issue with. It will have come across as an attack and is unnecessary. They are young kids in love and in their early 20s will still be figuring everything out.

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Baba bear are you British ?

admirible · 11/02/2025 21:05

You have to approach this like it’s the army I think and your sergeant major, just put the fear of god into her.

Sunat45degrees · 11/02/2025 20:24

Well now I just want details on the pizza, and the name of the place if its that good!

nugshugz · 11/02/2025 20:16

She sounds very insecure to be judging other people's looks and weight.

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 20:12

winterdarkness · 11/02/2025 20:07

She's rude but she's right about most of what you've mentioned. Coffee is nicer in Italy, jars are full of additives, potatoes are not much of a vegetable And coke is terrible for you.

She's rude and opinionated, but she's not wrong

That is beyond irrelevant, though. Also, everything in moderation. I have to say, as well, that people on the continent drink a lot of coke zero! This girl may not, but a lot of the generalisations she was making about British people are just plain inaccurate. If she looked outside of her own bubble in Italy or anywhere else, she would see loads of fat people and loads of people with sub optimal diets. It is absurd to pretend othewise. And even if it wasn't, it is still very rude to say so outright.

winterdarkness · 11/02/2025 20:07

She's rude but she's right about most of what you've mentioned. Coffee is nicer in Italy, jars are full of additives, potatoes are not much of a vegetable And coke is terrible for you.

She's rude and opinionated, but she's not wrong

EdithBond · 11/02/2025 20:05

Hey @Bluebrownies glad you spoke openly to them about how uncomfortable she made you feel. And glad she apologised so graciously. IMHO might have been better to have a quiet word with your DS rather than talking to both of them about it. He should have dealt with it himself, as he knows what’s likely to offend you. It’s rather weak and disrespectful if he didn’t. I bet if he did something to offend her parents she’d explain it to him.

On your DH’s point, IMHO there are some cultural differences in what’s considered polite. I’ve lived in a Med country, have good friends from other countries, and have travelled extensively elsewhere in the world, and IME people are usually more direct than most Brits, who are less inclined to say what they really think, sometimes to the point of passive aggressive. Personally, I prefer directness, as you know where you stand: rather than people who say ‘yes, it’s great’ (when it probably isn’t) or ‘it doesn’t matter’ (when it probably does).

It also sounds like she has informed opinions, rather than spouting rubbish. We certainly do have an obesity problem in the UK compared to other European countries. And it’s partly because the average family diet is woefully lacking in fresh ingredients and home cooking. So, TBF, she does have a point. When I go to my original hometown I’m always shocked at the number of people who are obese, compared to when I lived there.

But none of that’s really the issue. I can’t think of a single culture where it’s well-received for overseas visitors to a family home to voice negative views on the attractiveness of the locals and critique the food being cooked in the home they’re staying in. And especially the first time visiting parents. Sounds like she didn’t care what you think of her, as she views you in a condescending way.

Likewise, in most cultures it’s likely to make people (whether family members, friends or strangers) pretty uncomfortable if you incessantly have PDA while in their company, especially while they’re talking to you. All a bit teenage. And especially if they’re your parents. I wonder if they’ll do it while with her parents.

I guess another issue is, if your son stays in a relationship with her, whether she’ll want to visit again or live here with your son.

justasking111 · 11/02/2025 20:01

Her family are taking him skiing. He's doing well too

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 19:59

UndermyShoeJoe · 11/02/2025 19:54

So she’s not a nasty whatever or a brat or a bully.

She’s just a young female with issues from how she was raised around food added with a slight culture difference who’s willing to open up and admit when her mouth has opened too much and caused offence.

So she’s pretty and intelligent despite having a few cases of foot in mouth. A lovely normal human being. Shocking.

I think that her comments are a bit more than 'foot in mouth'. Full disclosure, I have a not dissimilar background from her, although I am older than she is (42) I was raised to take a lot of pride in my appearance, was very high achieving, sporty, and did a bit of modelling in my late teens through to my mid twenties. I would never, ever have been as rude as she was, and I came of age in the early aughts, so I never had the benefit of the body positive era. I think that some of the comments about her are still a bit fawning. Great that she wised up, but there is no need to shower her with praise either.

UndermyShoeJoe · 11/02/2025 19:58

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 19:55

She’s generous and thoughtful after having her arse handed to her and no doubt after looking into how much London accommodation costs.

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Her family hardly sound poor and she’s still
leaving 😅 I doubt London prices had anything to do with it.

Lampros · 11/02/2025 19:56

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 19:26

Just a final little update. All is well now.

Sat and chatted with her and my son most of the evening, it's been a very productive chat where she has been open about her own relationship with food and how that originates from both her childhood and attending an all girls boarding school which had an issue with "competitive under eating".
She showed me her family and her mum, siblings and grandma are all also thin as sticks so I imagine it was ingrained into her. She was also talking about how she went to university in America (on an athletics scholarship so clearly very sports focussed) and how when their she felt she had to force herself to be strict and righteous about eating as with fast food and junk food culture there she felt like she was at risk of slipping into unhealthy habits.
She admitted that she wasn't really thinking and is very sorry for causing any offence. We also discussed how some of it is cultural, some of it is from her family and personal background and some just her being thoughtless.
Learnt lots about her though, her family own a gorgeous home on the banks of Lake Maggiore, she was showing some of the pictures and it looks stunning so perhaps If they are together for a while, I can visit Italy!

They have now ordered pizza for the whole family, she claims that her Italian friends say it is the best takeaway pizza in London so we will see how good it is, but everyone is on good terms now!

This is a lovely update.

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 19:55

dayoffvibes · 11/02/2025 19:31

So it transpired she's generous, thoughtful and able to eat humble grapes.

I hope your son is as forgiving as she was.

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She’s generous and thoughtful after having her arse handed to her and no doubt after looking into how much London accommodation costs.

UndermyShoeJoe · 11/02/2025 19:54

So she’s not a nasty whatever or a brat or a bully.

She’s just a young female with issues from how she was raised around food added with a slight culture difference who’s willing to open up and admit when her mouth has opened too much and caused offence.

So she’s pretty and intelligent despite having a few cases of foot in mouth. A lovely normal human being. Shocking.