Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

All cats are grey in the dark! 👍

I think I'd be saying, are whatever nationality she is rude generally, or is that just you?

Most her points are true? Also you asked what she thought of brits and she answered honestly. She didn’t push her opinion on you.

This

Portuguese women are fat and ugly too!

I agree most people in other cultures will find it offensive.

If your son is not loud like rest of the family, then she fits in with your son, which is more important than fitting in with the family.

That's not relevant to the topic here. Op hasn't asked if coffee and pasta sauce in Italy are better than in the UK.

AubenFable

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to describe your experience. I'm so happy you're on a happy footing with your in-laws now, for you and for them.

My ds's gf didn't grow up in a toxic environment as far as I know. She does have a twitch with her nose though I've noticed.. and as for as I know she isn't autistic.

In my case I am part of the problem I think.. she's from a different culture and doesn't get our jokes/nuances.. what I'm really trying to say is she doesn't really fit in. We're a noisy, outgoing family (apart from ds). I really have tried so hard for so long with her, so has my dd and it just is what it is I think.

What? Why are so many people falling over backwards to defend the GF? It is insane. She was incredibly rude and OP rightly called her on it.

It's because economy and industries are completely destroyed by self serving politicians and an avergae person is working hard and dealing with a lot of shit as a result, so there is no enegry for additional tasks of cooking from scratch twice a day or even once, especially when you are working and also responsible for looking after kids. People in culture where cooking is done from scratch traditionally had women solely ficussed on cooking and kids and had a community for support. It's easy for this young woman coming from a rural background. People working in cut throat work environment even in Italian cities do not have or energy to cook from scratch. My Italian friend living in the city has used sauce from jar for pasta. There are good quality sauce, olive oil, parmesan cheese available to make your life easier. But perhaps, they are too expensive for a person on low wages. I have lived in 4 europeans countries , and UK has quite decent quality/ variety of food available in shops, cafes and restaurants. Perhaps not very accessible for those in very low income groups.
Overall problem is due to ecocomy and the lifestyle focussed on trying to make ends meet, not everyone can afford a gym, mental health support, and weather being cold makes it more difficult to excerise in fresh air or sit in park and chat with neighbours like in an Italian village which help with physical and mental health and motivation.

Sounds like me and my DH as teenagers and into our early 20s. I feel for you- it must be uncomfortable, but I thought I’d stick my two cents in just in case it can help at all.

Here are some issues that affected my relationship with my in-laws for a long time, even when they let me move in. Do any of them feel like they fit?

• I had a rough childhood. Me and DH met in the height of the abuse at home, and he was the only person I was able to speak to at times about the situation. Is it possible she is dealing with trauma of some kind?

• As a result, I had mental health problems. I was severely depressed and withdrawn in general, and I didn’t feel able to discuss this with my in-laws despite them being so understanding. DH was like my shadow too, always trying to make sure I was okay. Does she show any signs of depression?

• I came from a dysfunctional family as an only child. Being in a happy family environment with all the people, noise, and laughter was so alien and overwhelming for years. Is she used to families or environments like yours?

• I’m also autistic and was undiagnosed at the time. As you may know, autism in girls can present as quiet or minimally/non-verbal and anxious. Could she be ND?

DH also didn’t have many, if any, friends after college due to a shift in priorities. At the time, it made me really sad because I felt like it was a result of us being together all the time, but he has always said it was because he no longer wanted to be out with them all the time or spend all his free time gaming or drinking. He made new friends later in university that he could relate to more. As cheesy as it sounds, we are still the best of friends a decade or so on, but we also have other friends.

All this to say, I’m sure there’s some reason for her being so withdrawn, and if there’s been no tension, it’s probably something in her personal life. It’s not ‘normal’ behaviour for someone of her age. To try and give you some hope: my in-laws and I have an amazing relationship now. I learned to trust them and started to feel part of the family many years ago, and they were the only people I wanted there when we eloped- maybe don’t give up on her just yet because your DS clearly loves her.

I think you should have just left it alone - people are less self aware when younger but I think she sounds like a nice person, we do have a problem with obesity and that’s why people get really offended when someone slim and pretty comments because the truth hurts most likely.

You sound like you think no-one is good enough for your son and you’re far too involved in my opinion. You’ll likely regret this over the years when your son avoids visiting because of how critical you are. If you raised such petty things with then like how she commmented on a jar of sauce and sitting on her partner’s lap then I would say you’re pretty opinionated and outspoken yourself.

Great update, OP

She could go onto find a boyfriend from another country and see how that works because believe me she tried that shit in any other country she’d be ran out of town. Brits are the most self deprecating people I know.

Ha! Now the girlfriend thinks “Brits are fat, ugly, cannot cook AND cannot handle the truth!” For her sake I hope she stays away from OPs & her family as it’s clearly not a good match. It would drain the soul and life out of her (trying to put on a facade each time and be silenced in her opinions).

Nobody on here needs to be defending British Women. The idea that we are homogenous with the same cooking skills and discernment towards what we eat is a nonsense. This remark has been made by a young women who has voiced her opinion which has been echoed by a couple of probably more grown women on this thread. I have lived, studied ,worked in various European countries (mainly southern) and I’ve always wondered why people usually break their neck in the first 20 minutes of meeting them to tell me how their country is better than the UK. I have a house in Lefkada and I often have to listen to locals who have never left there region telling me how shit Britain is and how they do things better. This is the point I find interesting !

so perhaps If they are together for a while, I can visit Italy!

Indeed

And perhaps you can learn tolerance and grace, from this young lady

The generalisations of all uk women are ugly is a kind of wierd comment to make. Who does she mean? Italian women can be stunning, but not all are. (I've traveled there a little and ds1 wants to live there post uni).

Good update.
See, it just goes to show that we all have baggage!

And yes she does have some points. (But could've been related better (was rude)). I'm not keen on false eyelashes, etc, but visiting ds1 at uni, most girls were much more natural. And yes we are as a nation overweight, more sedentary, eat too much processed food compared to say our Italian or French counterparts. So there is a point.

We are not more ugly. Beauty is subjective and has changed over the centuries as well as the decades and will change again in a few years. So I disagree with the summation that we are ugly and less dolled up as well.

My rather attractive 16 yo dd went to Paris at the start of the year. She said the Parisian women and girls hardly wear any makeup. She is likely autistic and the makeup is a mask. She had to tone it right down to feel like she blended in.

She said she didn’t see any Caucasian women and girls wearing false eyelashes. The first couple of days she went out in full make up and lashes and was stared at wherever she went by boys, men and women. Then she removed the lashes and wore a little foundation and lots of mascara.

In France it isn’t impolite to stare.

She's right - British women are ugly, have on average a high BMI, are not dolled up all the time, and are not the world's greatest cooks.

That is because we have a fairer, less gendered society that doesn't judge women on their physique and looks alone, or by their culinary expertise.

I am happy to be raising daughters that can look forward to being judged on their merits and abilities - not on their physical attributes. If that leads them to be regarded by some as ugly, then so be it.

Nope. You can have whatever rules you want, but if they don't work for other people, they don't have to accept them. Hence why the OP's son and gf are leaving early.

Was the pizza good? Where did it come from?

When they're her guests (I bet the OP paid for the meal) then I disagree.