Page 4 | Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

Bluebrownies · 2025-02-10T23:28:59+00:00

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc. She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family. The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything. We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them. There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one). I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/02/2025 06:50

SigmaStarFlower · 12/02/2025 23:24

Your son’s girlfriend sounds similar to my Aunt (she is Italian, from Rome). My Uncle and her met each other when they were in their 20’s and are now in their 60’s. My uncle moved to Italy to live with her and her family when they got married. My grandparents didn’t always get on with her as she was very opinionated. She always enjoys talking about politics and is very intelligent too. She is 65 years old now and is always the most glamorous woman in the room. Her and my Uncle are still passionate about each other and have a strong marriage. They came over for a family wedding and she was talking openly about what I would deem a private & confidential matter concerning her adult daughter. And openly saying her daughter’s partner isn’t handsome. I find her refreshing and honest as well as irritating. I didn’t feel comfortable her speaking unkindly in front of my teenage daughters or disclosing her daughter’s private life in front of them. My uncle and her live in a village and are very sheltered. Life is very different there compared to the UK. Your son’s girlfriend isn’t saying you or your daughter’s are fat and ugly, take it as a compliment that she is talking openly, she feels comfortable with you. If she thought you and your daughter’s were unattractive she wouldn’t talk about it. Furthermore you’re insinuating you are, she isn’t. My aunt makes my fur bristle too and I make allowances for the cultural difference. It’s a massive difference. Can you speak Italian? Your son’s girlfriend speaks English. Italian food is renowned for being delicious and healthy. Why don’t you let them cook for you, your daughter’s and husband? You’re not the number one in his life anymore and it’s not easy to get used to the idea. He might move to Italy and live with her and her family like my Uncle did. My uncle had to deal with not being accepted immediately by my aunt’s family too. That’s not fair is it. Embrace the differences. Feel proud that your son feels comfortable around his family to show his affection and love for the young Italian lady. You’ve done a great job and it’s time to let go.

@SigmaStarFlower

no, op doesn’t have to accept rudeness. End of.

Agespot · 13/02/2025 04:13

Agespot · 13/02/2025 04:09

This is my favourite,
My son was 19 when he brought his girlfriend home who was 21 at the time.
She was so shy to begin with she ran behind him when she met me.
She's now apionated but I still feel if I said something and was quite stern she would listen.
He's now 22 and they are married and we all live together.
As my mum always said, start as you mean to go on.

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And forgot to add she's South African

Agespot · 13/02/2025 04:09

BreadInCaptivity · 10/02/2025 23:46

Suggest you and your DH start emulating their PDA behaviour and see how they like that....only half kidding...

As for comments about Brits just call her out on it every time. Tell her she is being rude and you are fed up with it.

Same with the food you cook, what you drink etc. Icy glare and that she might want to remember she's a guest, not a prisoner and free to leave if the money you are spending on hosting her is being wasted on someone so disdainful.

This is my favourite,
My son was 19 when he brought his girlfriend home who was 21 at the time.
She was so shy to begin with she ran behind him when she met me.
She's now apionated but I still feel if I said something and was quite stern she would listen.
He's now 22 and they are married and we all live together.
As my mum always said, start as you mean to go on.

Changedforadvice · 13/02/2025 01:04

@MadMadaMim Aqua sporca! That's what I remember Italians calling instant coffee. I just think of them as two different kind of drinks to be honest.

I agree with the jar ragu, much nicer homemade. But I wouldn't comment to someone hosting, which I think is perhaps the cultural difference. As for vegetable, contorni in Italy surprised me, those veggies got boiled to death!

Also, I found Italians (and this may have changed as it's 25 years since I lived there!) had less experience of cultural divergence and therefore were quite narrow minded when it came to other cuisines or cultural practices. It was quite childlike, the shock horror at how other people from other places did things, like there's only one right way, and that's the Italian way. I think something we're generally better at in the UK is being open minded about other cultures.

Blades2 · 13/02/2025 00:00

I’d probably follow her comment up with “oh, you Italians, so full of yourself all of the time”
but then I’m petty.

id definitely be saying about the mean comments infront of impressionable teenagers, and their adult brother should know better too.

Trendyname · 12/02/2025 23:54

MumWifeOther · 12/02/2025 18:07

Most her points are true? Also you asked what she thought of brits and she answered honestly. She didn’t push her opinion on you.

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Unless she is a 5 year old kid, she is rude even if she said all that after being asked.

So in your opinion the only quality British people have are that they are fat and ugly?

SigmaStarFlower · 12/02/2025 23:24

Your son’s girlfriend sounds similar to my Aunt (she is Italian, from Rome). My Uncle and her met each other when they were in their 20’s and are now in their 60’s. My uncle moved to Italy to live with her and her family when they got married. My grandparents didn’t always get on with her as she was very opinionated. She always enjoys talking about politics and is very intelligent too. She is 65 years old now and is always the most glamorous woman in the room. Her and my Uncle are still passionate about each other and have a strong marriage. They came over for a family wedding and she was talking openly about what I would deem a private & confidential matter concerning her adult daughter. And openly saying her daughter’s partner isn’t handsome. I find her refreshing and honest as well as irritating. I didn’t feel comfortable her speaking unkindly in front of my teenage daughters or disclosing her daughter’s private life in front of them. My uncle and her live in a village and are very sheltered. Life is very different there compared to the UK. Your son’s girlfriend isn’t saying you or your daughter’s are fat and ugly, take it as a compliment that she is talking openly, she feels comfortable with you. If she thought you and your daughter’s were unattractive she wouldn’t talk about it. Furthermore you’re insinuating you are, she isn’t. My aunt makes my fur bristle too and I make allowances for the cultural difference. It’s a massive difference. Can you speak Italian? Your son’s girlfriend speaks English. Italian food is renowned for being delicious and healthy. Why don’t you let them cook for you, your daughter’s and husband? You’re not the number one in his life anymore and it’s not easy to get used to the idea. He might move to Italy and live with her and her family like my Uncle did. My uncle had to deal with not being accepted immediately by my aunt’s family too. That’s not fair is it. Embrace the differences. Feel proud that your son feels comfortable around his family to show his affection and love for the young Italian lady. You’ve done a great job and it’s time to let go.

ErinAoife · 12/02/2025 21:53

Should read overweight not overnight

ErinAoife · 12/02/2025 21:53

My mom when she comes to visit me in the uk thinks the same than your son 's girlfriend that you see a lot more overnight people in the UK. We went on holiday in Ireland as well and she said the same about Ireland. She thinks it is because of the fast food industries, there is plenty of take away in UK and Ireland. We don't have that many in Belgium, there is only one take away place where my mum lives in Belgium a pizzeria, where she lives there is around 6000 people living there, we went to visit my cousin in Ireland, she lives in a town which is roughly the same size and there is at least 10 take away places.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/02/2025 21:49

Efrogwraig · 12/02/2025 21:39

It's not forever. They're off travelling again soon.

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@Efrogwraig

op has her daughters to think of, they don’t need to hear this woman’s shit. It’s not all about OP’s son and his sensitivities. Her daughters count just as much.

MaidOfSteel · 12/02/2025 21:46

I don’t care if she’s from Italy, the UK or the moon, this young woman needs to learn some manners, tact and how to keep her opinions to herself! She’s been badly raised if she doesn’t possess these skills.

And your husband just sounds wet. You can show him that.

Efrogwraig · 12/02/2025 21:39

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/02/2025 21:34

@Efrogwraig

“keep going” you mean keep taking endless rubbish comments on the chin? Yeah, no.

It's not forever. They're off travelling again soon.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/02/2025 21:34

@Efrogwraig

“keep going” you mean keep taking endless rubbish comments on the chin? Yeah, no.

Efrogwraig · 12/02/2025 21:18

Yeah. It's hard. Your son has another interest. He's not your boy anymore. Keep going.

Sickandtiredofthisbullshit · 12/02/2025 21:09

I think you’re right.

its such a thing. I used to think as a teenager that the UK must be really shit. I’d heard so many foreign people criticise it. We were so uncultured blah blah.

it’s only since living and travelling extensively abroad that I’ve seen the UK ( pre Brexit) was ( possibly still is) one of the best countries in the world to live in.

despite this thread, I’d also say it’s one of the most accepting and open minded. The restaurants are amazing because we embrace other cultures.

go to Italy and it’s only really Italian food. Don’t get me wrong Italian food is amazing, but it’s a nightmare trying to find other restaurants there.

I do think there’s a narrow mindedness in many parts of Europe that’s less pronounced in the uk

Nikki75 · 12/02/2025 20:54

I feel your pain op.. make sure you add the spaghetti to the sauce not the sauce to spaghetti 🤣😂 that be next !!

ThePoliteLion · 12/02/2025 20:51

She sounds awful and I wouldn’t be offering any more hospitality to her.

berightorbehappy · 12/02/2025 20:47

Good job she’s heading off soon ! Maybe state “ l’m teaching the girls acceptance and not to comment of people’s appearance as it’s not kind so we don’t allow comments like that here” or just say “wow” to every opinion and nothing else .

wizzywig · 12/02/2025 20:38

Aah your husband is sucker for a pretty face

Bernardo1 · 12/02/2025 20:33

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 01:54

I asked my husband to read some of the comments here and he feels like I have painted her badly. I don't think I have but he thinks I should clarify the "insults".

The critique on my food -

I used a jar of pasta sauce to make Bolognese, she commented that it wasn't very nice and full of preservatives and "not really bolognese".
I made Jacket potatoes and she commented 3 times "no vegetables"
I had weetabix for breakfast and she said "no fruit, you should have some fruit"

Critique on drinks -

Several times saying we all drink so much cola then listing how unhealthy it is
She has said several times how much she doesn't like British coffee - almost everytime I drink it

The fat comment was first when I asked her what her perception of brits was and she said fat, don't dress well etc.

Then several times she's commented on how many fat people she has seen out and how so many brits are fat.

I don't think this changes anything but my husband does so I will give the extra context.

Perhaps you could divert her attention by asking what she thinks of Americans.

asrl78 · 12/02/2025 20:33

LaineyCee · 10/02/2025 23:52

Next time she makes a dig about British women, I’d say, “Interesting. Is that level of misogyny/xenophobia typical of attitudes in (home country) or are you an anomaly?”

Perhaps she is training for UK citizenship.

She sounds like the kind of person that if she were in her 80's, people would be bending over backwards to excuse her and advocate tolerance; "Oooh she's a character", "Awww bless her she's old", "I love a person who speaks their mind and isn't woke". To be honest this sounds like a situation where boundaries need to be established, and if she refuses to moderate her attitude, tell her to f**k right off.

Toptops · 12/02/2025 20:33

I don't agree with the majority of opinions posted. It sounds like a trying situation. OP, you have my sympathy for that.
But all the rest is a young woman shooting her mouth off - unfortunate but not world ending and you have put her right in relation to her views that could be unhelpful for your girls to hear. And your son and her at each other constantly - must be trying to have to watch.
I get that you're missing your boy as he was but if you want this relationship to end - DO NOTHING! SAY NOTHING!
They are both young and my guess is that this relationship will fizzle out, as many do at that age unless they have someone to kick against! Ie you!

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/02/2025 20:30

TrueOlympian · 12/02/2025 20:07

I’m also European and shocked by the average British diet that includes ready made meals (which are not made with high quality ingredients or don’t contain harmful preservatives) and meal deal sandwiches (I know you all love them, I will never understand it 😂) Generally speaking, I’d expect someone who invites me for food to at least cook a meal from scratch, and not offer me Aldi pre-made food.

Having said that, I’d never tell hosts this. I’ll always be grateful for what people offer me. Italians are known to be rude though which might be because they are too honest?

@TrueOlympian

it sounds like this woman is round OP’s house all the time though. Therefore she needs to just eat what they eat and can’t expect made from scratch meals every single night. Or she could always cook for the whole household if she’s so bothered… but somehow I bet she won’t…

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/02/2025 20:28

AubernFable · 11/02/2025 01:03

That’s how you lose a relationship with your child, their partner and any future grandchildren with assumptions like that. Not a good idea. He can date whoever he likes but she should be more respectful of his family in general, building a relationship would make it easier to talk to her about what is and isn’t acceptable without falling out.

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@AubernFable

yeah right, who cares about OP’s daughters and what they are subjected to by this woman eh?? So long as op doesn’t upset her son in the slightest way cos he might go non contact, stop her seeing any future grandchildren and throw her in a nursing home when she is elderly.

Mrsgreen100 · 12/02/2025 20:27

I’ve had Italian female teachers stay with me recently, exact same kinda stuff
as it’s your sons girlfriend, I would say oh that’s harsh or similar to her comments
but they will be gone soon, don’t give her any
reason to isolate him from you