Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

When I was late teen / young adult i had a serious relationship with a guy & we were absolutely in love.

My family loved him & accepted him wholeheartedly.

His family were far less welcoming to me & were critical, they definitely looked down on me & my background. The irony is i was very bright & had gotten a place the top tier university. Their son had not gotten into university & was studying in a private fee paying 3rd level.

None of this made any difference to us dt the time but his parents, his father in particular, was always trying to 'take me down a peg or two'. I don't think i was rude, I was quite reserved around them but he'd ask me my opinion on things (topical / political etc) and if my opinion differed from his it was seen as me being cheeky or too confident or too big for my boots

I always knew they judged me & I hated it. The relationship lasted a few years but I never grew any more comfortable with them. They were so hard to gel with & took offence at the smallest of things

I haven't thought about them in years but this thread reminded me...

I'm not sure what you're going to do now OP, I think your son is going to think his girlfriend isn't welcome in your home, and you're going to have an atmosphere for the remaining time left of the stay, if they stay for the remaining time.
Unless she was moving in with you for the long haul I really think you should have let this go.
Yes you stuck up for yourself, but you have damaged your relationship with your son over something that would have been over very soon. Was it worth it?

I’ve never ordered a baked potato in a cafe that hasn’t come with a salad (and it is a regular go-to for me because I don’t eat bread so sandwiches are no good). So this can’t be something you see regularly surely?

And Italian cuisine is full of dishes that are very carb heavy with minimal veg content - pasta, risotto, pizza etc. I realise Italians don’t eat these things all the time but neither do brits eat baked potatoes all the time.

I suspect that the modern rise of UPFs and takeaways etc are far more to blame for obesity problems than the traditional ‘meat and two veg’ style British cuisine (although in any case, Britain is so multicultural now that I don’t think you can define British food that way anymore)

Hmmm....I've read your update and I don't think I would have made such a big thing of it. Sitting her down for a formal talk and listing all the things she's done wrong is very confrontational and awkward. No wonder she was defensive, who wouldn't be if someone listed all your character flaws in one conversation?
I mean she's obviously noticed British people are generally fatter than in Italy and Portugal and feels OK to mention it because these things are talked about openly in other countries.
I wouldn't have confronted her the way you did OP. Instead I would have picked her up on individual comments. If she said "British people are so ugly!" then at that moment, I'd say "That's quite a rude comment". If she commented on my food I'd just airily say "Well, that's what we like to eat". If they were snogging in front of you, I'd say "Get a room, we don't need to see that". By responding to things as they happen it's less of a big deal and people gradually get the message. I feel like you might have caused damage to your relationships with them.

I'm from a mediterranean country too so I "get her", we're pretty brazen, outspoken, not ver polite (unlike Brits politeness is just not important to us), very touchy feely and have a big mouth when it comes to opinions. We're also touching others most of the time (hence the reason the pandemic was so devastating to us). Being like this has always created problems for me in the UK because the culture is completely opposite from Southern Europe. I'm aware of this and try to tone down my "Italianess" but it doesn't always work.

I don't know what to say OP but your husband is right: it's a cultural clash. Keep an open mind and don't walk on eggshells around her, be straight forward, don't be afraid, just tell her what you think, just like she's doing!. I know this means 'conflict' and English people are absolutely terrified of conflict but we're not, we fully embrace it as part of life and we're totally fine with it. She won't take it personal, believe me. If you keep quiet and continue walking on eggshells she'll eat you alive and you'll hate her even more. So pull out your "inner Italian",confront and tell her that Italians are too loud, English women are beautiful and shut her up.

Also: Italians eat VERY healthy, so pulling out processed foods, fish n chips will have her go bonkers. Make salads and pasta, all cooked with olive oil. Lock the mayo, maritime and ketchup in a cabinet.

Good luck.

Signed: an another Italian.

Ehm, she’s right on everything but she shouldn’t say it out loud

any. eating food without any vegetables served is very unhealthy. If nothing comes to mind serve a big bowl of salad. Many cultures around the world have this approach. As I said, I wouldn't say anything to the host but even after living here for 20 years I wouldn't consider beans on toast as any type of food too, snack at best and not very tasty one for me but each to their own and I respect that.

I am a vegetarian and a pretty decent and healthy cook . Sometimes when I go to stay in friend's houses they have no idea what to feed me, so they give me fake meat or extremely bog standard salads. I don't like their coffee either.

Are posters really suggesting that I should advise my friends on how to add okra, squash and beetroot to their meals? Rude. The role of a guest is to shut up or cook themselves.

Do you think OP’s husband would be so where to please if it was his wife me overweight middle aged unattractive friend? I doubt it.

And why be so rude about OP’s adds and assume they aren’t attractive? And why assume OP doesn’t have fruit and veg in the house?

You just seem to be one of those posters who just wants to stick the boot into the OP and will make things up to do so

She said she had a high BMI. I'm not calling her fat by the way, and that poster was just referring to how the young woman might see her, given her comments.

Exactly this, I think theres every chance the girls has picked up on the fact you dont like her and is over compensating or just making comments to alleviate the awkwardness, I've a friend who does this, when she gets nervous she talks and makes comments that probably come across insensitive and could be seen to make the situation worse.

I think this a joke! What have the Romans ever done for us?

British humour - we may be fat and ugly but at least we can laugh

No- husband was in the shed building muscles

Exactly. He's right. There's no argument to be had there.

I'm honestly not sure why you expected that conversation to go any differently.
In the post where you made a list of what she'd said, it actually read as just minor irritations, and definitely not worth a falling out over. The PDAs are the only bit I'd want to pick them up on, and I'd have done it in a light way at the time, rather than during an airing of grievances.

I'm coming round to the idea that your husband was right. And basically you've just ensured that your son will feel even closer to her, and pull away from you more.

Was your DH there during this 'discussion' @Bluebrownies ?

If your husband always such a downer. Or is it the arrival of this sexy Italian girl that has thrown him? You made your point she’s a rude girl and now she knows that you think so you’ve done well.

Agreed! Why couldn't you just chalk it up to a young love gap year fling? If you didn't like something you need to say something in the moment not sit them down like naughty school children, of course they're going to react like that backed into a corner!

I'm sure hes thinking his wife is quite possibly being a little extra sensitive that the gorgeous slim Italian 20yr old is pointing out her food isnt the healthiest.

I mean I'm sure he finds her attractive but highly unlikely he thinks she'll suck his dick if he tells his wife to just chill out and not take everything personally, bit ridiculous really?

The girl is rude by British standards, the wife is over reacting to this, the husband cant be arsed because his son is only home for a few weeks and thinks its not worth the effort to make her feel unwelcome over what are just honest comments. Not everything is about causing arguments and sucking dick

Frankly the teenage girls will be already bombarded by body images at home and school and likely are well aware that tanned, healthy women are considered more attractive, this isnt groundbreaking. Also maybe showing them to add fruit and veg to food isnt a bad thing either.

Reading these comments, am glad to come from a culture where I am not required to host partners- especially rude insensitive ones- for fear that my kids will go NC! Let them, I say.

I resent these comments why the fuck should the op walk around on egg shell's to please her entitled son and girlfriend. My partner would never dream of insulting my mum's cooking and she was a rubbish cook.

Anyway it's a right mess now & I doubt they'll hang around too much longer but you are damaging your relationship with your son.

Also, I never use jar sauces to make my own Indian food at home, but if I ever stay with someone I always offer to cook and I eat whatever I am given and praise it. Basic manners.

OP i think you're overly sensitive & perhaps have conveyed your criticism of this girlfriend from the get-go?

I think your comments about her clothing are revealing in more ways than one.

Your son has told you that you've always been critical of every girl he's brought home. Doesn't that bother you?

I think you've gone about this all wrong to be honest.

But I don't think you'll see that. Perhaps your dislike of her has been less hidden than you think & she's reacting to an less than welcoming environment?

Kill her with kindness is the only way I think. The more you complain the more your husband and son will plead her innocence so just let her dig her own grave, she clearly isnt well skilled in diplomacy so my hunch is she’ll go to far and dig her own grave at some point. I would however remind her if she stays with your son she may end up having a half British daughter so she should probably knock the stereotypes on the head early doors.

WTF is a crunchy mum?!

She’s horrible. If she criticises your cooking again I’d suggest she does it then go and put your feet up.

Sounds like men are accepting this crap because they can’t see beyond her appearance.

Let them and use the time she’s there to have a nice rest!