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Original poster

Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

944 replies

Bluebrownies · 10/02/2025 23:28

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

OP posts:
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5
shortoedtreecreeper · 11/02/2025 17:09

She better not have children with your son then, because they might turn out fat and ugly and unable to cook properly.
I think you should tell her and your son you find it rude the way she speaks.
My work colleague a scottish man said something similar about scottish women.I asked him if he thought his mum and daughter where fat and ugly, as well would he be happy if people were talking about them like this.He hadn't thought of that no.
It's actually very imature, looks do fade, not important in the long run.
Would like to see if she's put a few pounds on in 20/25years.

ObviouslyBlooming · 11/02/2025 17:09

@Bluebrownies im happy to see you’re still in speaking terms and that you’ve been able to say what you thiunk.

I do think that both YOU had the gf will have to learn about each others culture.
In France, people will tell others directly about the fact they’ve put in weight or need to loose some. Yep even co workers. And they are generally much more upfront than Brits.
Compared to France, the population is more overweight and it shows too.
Same with PDA.

If you want to learn to appreciate each other, it will help if you don’t automatically assume rudeness when it could be cultural. And she’ll need to learn to ease off a bit.

Im from France and have lived in the U.K. fur 25+ years. I’ve got plenty of experience of Brits thinking French people are rude agd French people thinking Brits are stuck up etc… due to these misunderstandings.

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 17:09

Tristan5 · 11/02/2025 17:03

My point is that people choose to be offended at times to suit their agenda - confident people often provoke such reactions in others.

The OP should back off and let her son get on with his life.

These are wise words!

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Don't you understand the difference between confidence and rudeness?

MercurialButton · 11/02/2025 17:08

DS to spend a week with her family … I wonder if they will insult him regularly ?

49andcrackingup · 11/02/2025 17:04

@Bluebrownies YANBU
Maybe suggest their departure time.
Tick-tick.

Tristan5 · 11/02/2025 17:03

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 16:42

What that got to do with you saying she’s sassy confident and good looking? What’s your point? How’s that relevant to her being rude?

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My point is that people choose to be offended at times to suit their agenda - confident people often provoke such reactions in others.

The OP should back off and let her son get on with his life.

These are wise words!

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2025 17:02

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 00:51

Really struggling as my husband is now fully defending her. I just suggested we should talk to her tomorrow about the fat/ugly comments and he got very very defensive of her saying "There are more fat people in the UK, that's just true, and no it's not healthy" he then basically went off on a rant about how he thinks it's fine for her to point that out and he agrees with her that there are too many fat people. He then said "who cares if she thinks brits are ugly, she's the one dating a brit so she can't think we are that bad".

Your husband is an idiot

And I bet it's down to her attractiveness and he doesn't want to be the bad guy

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 16:58

StressedLP1 · 11/02/2025 16:54

I’m glad things seem to have resolved but your son’s comment, even if in the heat of the moment, about you not liking any of his girlfriends should give you pause for thought.

I would really make an effort to bond with any of your dc’s partners (and maybe buy the Italian gf a copy of ‘watching the English’ for Christmas 😄)

Actually, I don't agree. I actually think that the son comes off quite badly in all of this, he is like a pouting child. The only way in which I find the OP to be (understandably) slightly unreasonable is that she seems to place more blame on the girlfriend for the PDA than she does on her son. He is as much to blame for that, if not more, as his parents are being made uncomfortable. He should have stopped at once.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 11/02/2025 16:56

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 16:53

To be fair she is probably used to seeing beautiful people then! She's rude but it is true - even unattractive Italians and Portuguese are better looking than most Brits.

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Have you actually been to Italy?

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 11/02/2025 16:56

What a fantastic result. You stood up for yourself and your girls. It was a total win win She apologised with Gifts - brilliant

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 16:56

tobee · 11/02/2025 16:52

Everyone's focussing on the "British people are fat" because that's the easy way to defend the girlfriend. Saying "British people are ugly and badly dressed" slightly less easy to defend. I think this says more about the people on this thread than the girlfriend.

Having said that I'd be disappointed if I pointed out to my ds about the pda "well I like it and we won't be stopping that" as if his and his girlfriend opinion is all that matters. A bit lacking in awareness of others in a 23 year old.

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Plus, there are loads and loads of fat Europeans. Britain may be the fat man of Europe, but the gap is closing. I, at a size UK 6-8, am no larger than any of my European friends and am often the slimmest person in any random train carriage in most European cities. The only time I have felt 'fat' abroad was in Paris, where a lot of people are indeed thin to the point of emaciation, but everywhere else I am as slim or slimmer than the average woman, and I am sure a lot of other Brits are the same.

StressedLP1 · 11/02/2025 16:54

I’m glad things seem to have resolved but your son’s comment, even if in the heat of the moment, about you not liking any of his girlfriends should give you pause for thought.

I would really make an effort to bond with any of your dc’s partners (and maybe buy the Italian gf a copy of ‘watching the English’ for Christmas 😄)

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 16:53

Bluebrownies · 10/02/2025 23:38

Her family live in Italy and I think she was raised there but has Portuguese family.

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To be fair she is probably used to seeing beautiful people then! She's rude but it is true - even unattractive Italians and Portuguese are better looking than most Brits.

tobee · 11/02/2025 16:52

Iceandfire92 · 11/02/2025 16:08

Why are there so many fat british people though? Her delivery was unkind, particularly describing British people as ugly but the fat part is surely factual? We have no excuse for not eating better, we are fatter than countries who are poorer than us. There's no excuse other than laziness and a reliance on processed food. You can often tell who the British tourists are when travelling abroad.

Edited

Everyone's focussing on the "British people are fat" because that's the easy way to defend the girlfriend. Saying "British people are ugly and badly dressed" slightly less easy to defend. I think this says more about the people on this thread than the girlfriend.

Having said that I'd be disappointed if I pointed out to my ds about the pda "well I like it and we won't be stopping that" as if his and his girlfriend opinion is all that matters. A bit lacking in awareness of others in a 23 year old.

LeticiaMorales · 11/02/2025 16:51

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 16:48

I'm happy about the update, but I don't think that the OP did anything wrong or that she needs to 'give grace and be less offended'. I think it was really good that the OP paid her the compliment of expecting her to be better. I find it odd that the people who are excusing the girl's rudeness by saying that 'Italians are just direct' are then saying that OP was wrong for telling her that she was coming off rude. Surely what's (jarred!😂) sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

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Exactly. She can be direct, but the OP can't!
Also, I don't think the posters excusing her would excuse British people behaving in a similar way abroad!

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 16:50

LeticiaMorales · 11/02/2025 16:46

Thanks for the update, I think that sounds very positive. She was obviously unaware, but it was very necessary to point out how offensive she was. It was thoughtful of her to give you the gifts. I'm sure she'll take what you said on board. Well done 👍!

I agree, I think OP did great. I'm not surprised that so many people on here are so snippy and so passive aggressive, as they think that the way to deal with rudeness and unpleasantness is to stew and bottle up bad feelings, rather than confront it head on. OP will probably like her son's GF far better now that she has made it clear that she won't tolerate rude nonsense from her.

ExercicenformedeZ · 11/02/2025 16:48

Christmasmorale · 11/02/2025 16:29

I'm really glad for this update. I think she's a good egg and is experiencing culture shock. Please give her more grace going forward - she's young and expressing herself in a different language. Please also try to be less offended by things - and try see the humour in her comments and/or respond non-judgementally (and in the moment when the comment is said rather than awkward interventions/discussions later on).

If you're genuinely open minded, she sounds like the kind of daughter in law you could develop a great relationship with. She's honest, open and self-reflective - all fantastic character traits.

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I'm happy about the update, but I don't think that the OP did anything wrong or that she needs to 'give grace and be less offended'. I think it was really good that the OP paid her the compliment of expecting her to be better. I find it odd that the people who are excusing the girl's rudeness by saying that 'Italians are just direct' are then saying that OP was wrong for telling her that she was coming off rude. Surely what's (jarred!😂) sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

LeticiaMorales · 11/02/2025 16:46

Thanks for the update, I think that sounds very positive. She was obviously unaware, but it was very necessary to point out how offensive she was. It was thoughtful of her to give you the gifts. I'm sure she'll take what you said on board. Well done 👍!

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 16:42

Tristan5 · 11/02/2025 15:57

I speak from personal experience of this.

In my case, my mother looked for fault and chose to be offended, rather than embracing difference and change (no girl was good enough for her son…..).

And guess what?

That French girl became the apple of my mum’s eye and was the one person who really stood up when mum was dying.

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What that got to do with you saying she’s sassy confident and good looking? What’s your point? How’s that relevant to her being rude?

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 16:41

BreezyScroller · 11/02/2025 15:56

if you start shouting random nonsense in the street, you would be weird. The same if you start ranting when you met someone litterally 3 seconds ago.

If you are having a conversation with a normal adult, why would it be rude?

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What I mean is my relatives will talk about the woman down the road who is a tramp because she sleeps with men outside of marriage or a relative who got pregnant out of wedlock of laugh about a man they know who loves to grab bottoms and can’t help himself.

Would it be ok if I started saying how gross Italian men and how much everyone hated women?

Delphiniumandlupins · 11/02/2025 16:40

It's not rude to give your opinion if you're asked for it. However, constantly sharing negative opinions is wearing. Maybe it's cultural but if she wants to be welcome in your home she sounds intelligent enough to learn how to read the room. Constantly harping on with the same criticisms is the behaviour of someone much older usually, in the UK.

mintgreensoftlilac · 11/02/2025 16:40

The chances are that in the not-too-distant future, your son will be very embarrassed and she will be nothing but an amusing anecdote for a while 😅. I know other posters are saying to call out her rudeness but I think that can be really hard to do sometimes. Just rest safe in the knowledge that she'll be out of your house soon and that you are most certainly not being unreasonable! It's a shame that you're having to minimise time spent with your son though, that seems unfair.

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 16:40

BreezyScroller · 11/02/2025 15:52

What I said wast that appearance do matter, and showing you are active and have self-pride DO make you a superior person.

Let's stop the nonsense about "appearance don't matter", maybe they don't... but only until you look for a job, you want to make friends, have a relationship, you interact with people, with teachers, with the public or colleagues, and you just have normal interactions with people in everyday's life.
Of course appearance matter.

You can translate it as "being thin" but that's not exactly what I said, is it.

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Personally I don’t make friends with people because they’re pretty, I make friends with people because they’re nice/funny etc. I also don’t see attractiveness as the only marker of self pride.

I guess some people just have superior minds in being able to look past appearances 🤷‍♀️

BreezyScroller · 11/02/2025 16:38

RachelsTrifle · 11/02/2025 16:26

'A superior person'??

Jesus Christ, what is the matter with you?!

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Maybe read the post I am REPLYING to and take my answer into the right context?

it's not me who started talking about "superior person".

HTH

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 16:36

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 15:32

So, they got back maybe 45 min ago, she came into the kitchen separate from my son with flowers, chocolates, wine and a card. She said thank you for letting me stay and apologised if she came across rude and for upsetting/offending me. I reassured her they were welcome to stay and she said that she was thinking of leaving early anyway to see Edinburgh and her family are going skiing next week so she is looking forward to joining them. She told me she said to my son he could stay and join her in a couple of weeks but he insisted he wanted to go with her. She has also brought some beers for my husband (who hates wine) and Ferrari Caps for my girls (both newly into F1 and have been learning about it from her through the week, (she joked the Ferrari caps are to stop them becoming McLaren fans).
So while I'm sad they are leaving early, and I'm sure my conversation probably took the decision to leave from a maybe to a for sure, I think it could be worse over all.

Alls well that ends well! Pleased their collective tantrum is over.

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