To be sick and tired of parenting autistic pre teen DC?

Also when you're caring for a kid with ASD, it can feel like there is so much to do and sort for them. It's a full time job in itself.
That's why it's worth breaking it down into things that need work.
And I would absolutely start with improving sleep (melatonin, weighted blanket, routine) because it's the one thing that reduces meltdowns for the kid and improves the well-being of your family in general the most.

I totally get that. I think the issue with low/high functioning labels is that the assumption is that people who are ‘low’ functioning assumes a lack of ability - people with this label may be underestimated which means they may miss out on opportunities.

Yes, your challenges are not as all,consuming as your friend’s, but they are challenges nonetheless. Don’t underestimate the amount of work needed to support an Audhd child, especially one whose needs aren’t met by either mainstream or specialist education.

EOTAS is transformational, but getting it is the biggest fight ever (almost 3 years, start to finish 😯)

I'm also really sorry to say this op, my pain in the arse child is still living at home aged nearly 19 and still driving me mad every day. I love them dearly but parenting a high functioning autistic and ADHD plus child for nearly 19 years has broken me. They are still unfortunately nowhere ready to move out. The younger siblings are looking towards uni and more than ready to fly the nest. It's hard. It's actually really fucking hard. Hugs

Research about how executive function issues impacts neurodiverse people, and how to support them.

Your son sounds just like mine in year 7. It took a hell of a lot of research in my part, and fighting with the L.A. to get him a suitable education but he is now 16 and thriving. He is proud of his autistic viewpoint on life and becoming more aware every day about how it both impacts and also benefits him.

Piriton until you get melatonin - also randomly try cola with caffeine too as can help
I have DD16 ASD abs DS12 ASD/ADHD under diagnosis so feel your pain
Shouting never helps but I completely understand!

Ps, you say ‘he is high functioning so doesn’t need a lot of support”

This is exactly why the high/low functioning ‘labels’ are not used any more.

My son is super intelligent and has no intellectual learning difficulties, so he would be classified as ‘high functioning’. But the amount of support he needs is massive. He needs someone to understand and support his demand avoidance, his inability to cope with mainstream school even though his IQ is remarkable, his social ‘battery’ life, his overwhelm bucket, his disordered sleep and restricted eating. To name but a few.

Follow Dr Naomi fisher on fb. Read Dr Ross’ books, research ‘therapeutic’ and low demand parenting. I had to learn a lot about how to parent a ND child in order to make a positive difference to him (and me!).

Haven't RTFT but I sympathise OP. Another book recommendation:

Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman. Game changer for us.

You might find the Calm Parenting Podcast helpful. The guy that does it has great strategies for working with rather than against ND kids.

Definitely melatonin. My DC has been prescribed it for years from camhs. My DC is also on ADHD meds and antipsychotic meds and has been for years and it's probably the most helpful medication we've had

My son is 16 and is becoming very much more articulate about how being autistic, adhd, pda, and spd affects him.

wrt sleep, he describes it as when it is quiet and dark, his brain just goes into overdrive. It overthinks things that have happened, things that might happen etc. It’s this time when intrusive thoughts get problematic as well. He deals with this by drawing (on his iPad) or listening to music (on his iPad). True, this does keep him awake, but it stops the spirally thoughts.

Melatonin worked for him up until puberty. He is currently trying an adhd med (clonidine) but we are finding it difficult to balance the dose - too high and he gets to sleep but has brain fog the next day. A bit lower and he still sleeps but he thinks it is making him forgetful the next day.

So I’m not sure that this will be a long term solution.

Other things that helped my son when he was younger were a weighted blanket and white noise (just download a white noise app to your phone and choose the white noise ‘colour’ you find most soothing). Also being allowed his iPad (internet off at 10pm) to draw, write, listen to music etc.

Melatonin here too. Agree with a PP that it is a minefield buying from the US, but Piping Rock has a good rep and has worked for my (undiagnosed but likely ADHD) DD.

Both my DC (ADHD) take prescribed melatonin. Its changed our lives - I love it. We also buy it for us from a pharmacy (I'm in France) at a lower dosage, for jetlag or when I'm struggling to sleep cos of anxiety.

All that to say that I highly recommend it. Both mine take it just before the bedtime routine and also listen to sleep music or sleep hypnosis tapes to get to sleep.

Solidarity fist bump - I used to dread the evenings with all my heart. Utter hell.

Please don’t buy from the US - it is largely unregulated there (categorised as a nutritional supplement, not a drug) and recent studies of marketed melatonin in the US found that virtually none aligned with the dosage on the box (and sometimes were 3,4,5x active dose), and often are contaminated with ingredients not listed on the label, including sometimes concerning/not approved substances.

I think many don’t understand the difference in regulatory requirements for melatonin in the US vs most other countries, but basically it means you cannot rely on the safety of what you buy. I regularly stock up on over the counter drugs from the US - anything classified as a drug will be regulated- but the nutritional supplement category is a massive loophole and a major potential for misuse.

Mines the same at 22yo.

I'm trying to get his business off the ground so he has enough income to move out. I love him and wouldn't change anything - he's super smart and generally very thoughtful - but it is exhausting.

When he's good he is an amazing person, but catch him with something he objects to and it's like a bomb goes off in him.

I stopped telling him what to do. I gave him a list of things he should do - he knew it all as your DS does - and left him to it. He made some bad choices like not cleaning his teeth every night, but eventually sorted that out and thankfully without damaging his teeth!

CAMHS told me that people with ASD get tetchy about their own stuff but don't have a clue how them attacking someone (verbally) means they have a right to get tetchy.

I'm widowed with 2 young adults with ASD. I feel like running away permanently. If I could afford to cover an additional home, I probably would run away!!! YANBU.

melatonin here too

also recommend the strategies on the adhd dude - free on YouTube !

Please use melatonin if you think it might help . I use it to aid sleep for myself. Don't know why it has such a rep here in UK . You can buy it anywhere in US and first used it for jet lag .
It sounds like you are having a rough night OP and it is good that you can vent here. So so many mums are going through the same thing . It can be hard to parent teens anyway throw in the extras plus hormones and it can be chaos . Hope you get a break from it soon and he settles down tonight .

Oh I hear you OP, that age was so hard. The only teeny tiny silver lining is you will hear friends become upset and bewildered when their teen becomes defiant and angry and they will be tearing their hair out and you be able to rise above it because you've been doing this shit for years.

Dh and I had what we called our day off once or twice a year. A day off involved whatever the hell you liked for 24 hours, no explanations no phone contact and absolutely no organising dinners for anyone else. I would go to the sea or for a forest walk or get a pub lunch and stay somewhere cheap and not talk to a soul if I didn't want to. I'd leave an emergency contact number with DH and turn the phone off. It doesn't sound like much but it's what got me and Dh through it without wanting to drive DS over a cliff.

Same here- they were 12 when dx after me trying to do everything “normally” and failing. Not going to lie its been a rough ride but listening to the kid and using the collaborative approach was good.

Oh i hear you, my sons the same age, and sounds very similar although he needs help with dressing etc. I try not to ask him to do things now, I ask him where does that need to go? And he will usually do it. Either that or I remind him to take his plate out before he's finished so it's like 'don't forget to take your plate out when you've finished', rather than asking him to take it out. It doesn't always work though.

I know it's controversial but he takes his phone to bed now as he just would not stay in his room, would make a racket until god knows when. Once he stayed up until 7:30am at least with his phone he will be quiet (er) than he was! Sometimes I go in if he isn't asleep by midnight and play relaxing music and sit with him until he falls asleep. It's tiring!

Sorry for prattling on about myself, just sending some solidarity

Melatonin totally changed the behaviour of my now 11 year old (he's been on it for 18 months or so). I think he was chronically sleep deprived before, so many tantrums and meltdowns. Wouldn't go to sleep. Up multiple times a night. So different now