To think school can be damaging for some children

Agree but part of that experience comes from being at school and seeing the best and worst parts of it.

Primary school was a happy, nurturing, safe environment for my daughter. Secondary has been damaging. And there’s no viable alternative school nearby - in fact the school she’s at is the one everyone wants their child to go to as it has the best reputation!

As it happens yes I do. Special unit.

I don’t think I was ever the same after primary school in the 60s. Horrid place

When my eldest started school we were so lucky and had 2 excellent rated schools and 2 good rated schools all within walking distance. Eveeyone thought we were silly for not going to the best school in the area, but we chose a good after we felt it suited us better. We ended up with a small class of 22. And by Easter it was a full class of 30 as 6 children had joined from the 'excellent' schools (not sure where the other 2 came from).
Everyone is different and looks for different things. As long as you are doing what YOU think is best for your child, everyone else opinions are irrelevant.

Oh we're also bracing ourselves to possibly home educate from secondary school, but it's a long way off so we're focusing on the next couple of years at primary first!

It's very early days here so I'm going to say this tentatively whilst touching ALL the wood...

I was really worried about my son going to school. He's awaiting an autism assessment - I know, I know "who isn't these days" blah blah blah. He's bright and curious but very anxious, very rigid, struggles with crowds and transitions amongst other things. We moved nurseries because the first one just wasn't right and he wasn't coping. The 2nd nursery was amazing, very supportive and he came on slowly but surely there.

We saw 3 schools and in the end opted for our closest - literally a ten minute walk, very good facilities, staff seemed very supportive and clued up, lots of space and lots of the children from the nursery go there. We don't need wraparound care so he's only there 8.45 till 3.15 and is home at 3.30 unless we go to the park. He wouldn't come with long days.

I was really worried about how big it is though (3 form entry for reception) and worried he'd get "lost" in all the chaos.

We had meetings before he started and some "reasonable adjustments" were agreed (just minor ones like being allowed his comfort item, ear defenders for the lunch room, staff knowing he may sometimes need a quiet space first thing) We got books on starting school, did practice runs with uniform and walking there in the mornings. The biggest plus was that he had a little group of friends going up with him from the nursery so he had some friendly faces straight away. His teacher also went to see him at his nursery (the school initiated this after seeing what a disaster the "stay and play" sessions were!)

Towards the end of his nursery time last year we were struggling to get him out of the house as his separation/transition anxiety had gotten so bad. I was genuinely on home schooling FB pages and doing research as I was so sure we'd have big issues.

Anyway... He is absolutely thriving. He loves school! The routine of going every day, knowing what they're doing each chunk of the day, having a lovely group of friends and supportive teachers is doing him the world of good. He won star of the week after a month or so for "bravery and resilience" when he went a whole week going in happily - I know everyone gets star of the week, but I cried when I read it because I was so proud of him, it really was a huge step forward for us that I didn't see coming at all.

He struggles after holidays and he found the pre Christmas chaos a bit too much, but the staff are amazing, they keep us informed and don't mind us calling to check after a particularly bad drop off or asking for a meeting when he's got appointments coming up so we have something from them to hand over etc.

I know it's early days and I'm very very aware that it's often year one or above when things start to come undone and we're already taking steps to prepare for next year. But his teacher thinks he'll actually continue to thrive as he'll love the more structured approach and he loves learning and taking it all in etc. They agree he'll need support and seem willing to help with that and we're prepared to advocate for him if needed.

I guess what I'm saying is, you might be surprised. Look for a school with supportive staff, ask local FB groups or friends with older kids (although everyone will have a different experience as no kids are the same, obviously) Almost all of my friends kids have loved it so far, they come home really proud to show what they've been doing or come out with funny stories about their day etc. But also if you feel really strongly about it, don't be afraid to think outside the box and look at other options!

We tend to get primary right for most kids in this country, it's secondary where the majority of the issues are: behaviour, lack of SEN support, teacher retention crisis etc. Shows no signs of getting any better either. However it is a postcode lottery, there are some great state secondary schools, but equally there are some horrendous ones. I would chose primary based on which feeder secondary schools you have.
Also, if you can afford it, be prepared to look at alternatives eg independent schools/homeschooling etc.

I was actually discussing this, my best friends daughter is having such a miserable time at high school. My own daughter doesn’t particularly like it either. Friendships aren't the same anymore, they’re all far too focused online and happy to throw anyone under the bus.

My oldest hated it (thriving now). If I’m honest the curriculum is very outdated, the amount of nonsense and ridiculous political opinions from teachers they’re subjected to isn’t beneficial at all. I myself hated secondary school too, I personally cannot wait until mine are fully done with the schooling system. Looking back we should have homeschooled them and really went for it and done it properly.

My youngest is now 17 & year 12 & I'm SO RELIEVED that soon he will be leaving secondary school forever 👏 I feel so sorry for younger kids (my nephew is 8 and currently attending year 3 in a northern primary only one day a week while he waits for his EHCP to come through). Most secondary schools near me have become a lot more stricter with their rules and are also struggling to cope with a growing number of diverse SEN kids - some of whom shouldn't be in mainstream schools but who have nowhere else to go. It's heart-breaking. Many teachers are overworked/exhausted/disillusioned too and a couple at my son's school are bullies themselves/totally unsuited to teaching and should get a different job. My DS does ok due to his personality- he's not got anxiety, he's not a 'worrier' or an overthinker. His part-time job at 16 was an eye-opener for him I think -working with adults who weren't all nice etc. But he's thrived there. My DD (20) on the other hand found secondary (& primary) a lot more stressful as she has some social anxiety and is an introvert. She enjoyed 6th form more and absolutely loves Uni life. I wonder if extroverts prefer school and introverts find it harder? Any kids with SEN are going to struggle I think. Good luck to anyone choosing schools at the moment 💗

I agree with others that it's the secondary that is the issue. Within two days of my first placement as a secondary school teacher I came home to my DH and said we can't send DD to secondary school. I worked at a huge secondary first which was horrendous, and then at a lovely small secondary with 400 kids, but we weren't in the catchment for the small secondary. All we have in our catchment is these huge, uber strict secondaries with a terrible reputation.

We ended up starting DD's home education halfway through Year 5, as her primary wasn't pushing her enough and she felt unsupported (she was ending up being used as a buffer and a tutor for less able kids rather than being given appropriate work herself), but we've known she'd be home educated for secondary for much longer! It's the best choice we ever made; she's thriving at home and loves it. We ask her regularly whether she'd like to try school and she looks at us like we've gone crazy 🤣

Totally agree. If you are not rich enough for private (unlike most of mn it feels at times) then choose a primary that is a feeder for a good secondary. I did not understand that this is a higher criteria here than being near to the school.

YANBU.

I had unmet SEN which two of my primary school teachers dealt with by sending me out of class, screaming at me and, on one occasion, sticking a list of stationery I needed on my desk on bright yellow acetate. The school wouldn't give me a statement, and one of those two teachers told my mother that one day, she'd offered me some sweets and I'd finished my work, no problem; I have no recollection of this event 🙄.

In high school, teachers mostly left me alone but I was constantly bullied by other kids and that's when my mother pulled me out.

I developed severe social anxiety as a young adult, much of which centres on people being annoyed or angry with me. I think those early experiences have a lot to answer for, but it was nearly 30 years ago so I hope schools are a bit better now, for SEN and in general.

If I hadn't had SEN, my state primary might not have left me traumatised.

All primary schools are relaxed

you have missed out being scared of the parents and lack of support from SLT as they are scared of the parents as well.

Interestingly, I have two different viewpoints on this. My family lived on a council estate but as both my parents worked we were the “better off” family on our street. We had cars, TV and a phone (rare in council houses in the 60s) plus parent valued education and were quite liberal. I absolutely loved primary school. I was popular, high achieving and happy.
Roll on secondary school. Passed the 11+ so went to a grammar school whereas all the other children in my class didn’t. It was quite posh by my standards, we wore velour hats as part of our uniform. Very formal. Half the girls were Jewish and antisemitism from some of the other girls was very obvious with hindsight. I was a total outsider, treated quite badly by other girls and teachers equally. I hated it from midway Year 7 til I left at 16.
I went from being confident and eager to learn to being introverted with no self esteem. It was the schools I went to that did that, not school as such.

I think it applies at all ages that not all environments suit everyone and we need to recognise that.

Some children would be better being homeschooling or in a small school with 20 pupils total. Others thrive in a big busy school. Some are better in a regimented school others need it more relaxed.

Just like some adults are better in an office than WFH or doing a physical rather than intellectual job. Or excel at data input roles rather than creative.

We focus too much on putting people in boxes.

Yes... There were some teachers in my school who allowed bullying and some who didn't. It's not inevitable. It's to do with teachers having favourites or being scared of the scary kids or even quite enjoying picking on the nerdy kid themselves. Most teachers in my school did not allow bullying in class time. I can only think of 3 who did. Another couple got bullied themselves

I think the real world is very different - adult behaviour is more civilised and you have a lot more choice of how to spend your time and can generally avoid anyone really unpleasant. I don't work with or know anyone who'd try to humiliate me for farting for example. Which is just as well given my childbirth injuries!

Some kids just don't fit in at school and get targeted and even the low level stuff can be really upsetting if it's constant. Those same kids can be perfectly fine in adult life, but if their confidence is destroyed by horrible school years it might have a permanent effect

I am not going to belittle your experiences, but you clearly have no idea how hard it is to deal with bullying as a teacher or even as a school.
With the various hair brained schemes put forward by experts, supported by SLT and the HT and the rules around expulsion by the DFE, and lets not forget the parents that believe that their children can do no wrong.
Once you recognise all of that its easy to see why some teachers don't acknowledge bullying.

Schools can be a great gateway into adult life. The no homework/maximum chill vibes might be good for them but they are in for a huge shock when they try and take that into the workplace.

I think the school system is flawed and not for every child, but I think on the whole schools and teachers do have the best interests of the kids at heart and it is still better than swathes of kids being taught at home

I think the issue here is probably a lot more complicated. From my own experience in two schools trying to get the teachers to even acknowledge that bullying exists, I’m willing to bet that the teacher encourages the class clown and allows him to humiliate other children without consequence. I’m also willing to bet that if any of the none favourite kids would have called out with the same joke they would have got detention and a phone call to their parents about their disruptive behaviour.
I swear parents would go mental if they knew how abusive and toxic school environments are while teachers pretend they don’t see anything.

I would with a lot of very traumatised children and school can sometimes be a huge compounding issue. It’s not necessarily the cause of their struggles but there can be a lack of understanding and therefore they can sometimes find it a difficult, overwhelming and seemingly uncaring place to be.

I definitely agree with the first paragraph but I think that adults have got more life experience to fall back on and more confidence and can deal with difficult people better

I certainly had some school experiences I wish I had avoided.
but school is not just about education in my eyes, it exposes children to the fact life is not fair for everyone. That everyone has different backgrounds and abilities. Most people will remember poorer families or those who had a difficult home life. These types of things help shape children’s understanding and empathy. Funnily enough I’m now a social worker.
no idea what you mean about what kind of school sorry. In Scotland they are the same unless private