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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset at mother in law for saying i put DH under too much pressure?

80 replies

Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 14:33

Firstly mother in law is great we have never had any issues in the last 10 years. DH has been very stressed and hasn’t been enjoying his job lately. He has a history of seizures periodically throughout his life since he was a child. He has had a couple in the last few months after not having any for many years so its been stressful all round and we have young kids. The aibu comes when talking of holidays i say i was telling dh that we need to take kids on holidays and we need to give them more memories while they are young and I don’t want them to be the only ones not doing anything during the holidays as they will be left out at school if friends are talking about stuff they did. Mother in law then says i put dh under a lot of pressure. Am really upset by this as it felt like she was saying i am the cause of his stress therefore the seizures. Aibu to feel this way? By the way this isnt true at all instead am the one who has supported him throughout this and he has consistently said to me that he is so happy at home and loves how supportive i have been. But now i think his family are blaming me for his illness and they think am the cause of the stress. She also said if I wanted to take kids out i should do it by myself and leave dh but thats not a solution to me why cant we do stuff as a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 15:19

SapphireOpal · 10/02/2025 14:40

So you want your DH to continue working hard in his stressful job so you have enough money to take the kids on holiday?

I'm not surprised your MIL thinks your priorities are all wrong FFS.

Nobody ever said he needs to continue in his job. I have repeatedly said he needs to leave he has refused. What am i supposed to do ? Call his employer and resign for him ? And no i can fund myself and more than happy to and he knows that. Money isn’t the issue here so he can leave his job whenever he wants but refuses to and says he will move company instead

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 10/02/2025 15:18

You make it sound as though you only want to go on holiday to keep up 'with the Joneses', maybe your DH doesn't think you need to take the kids on holidays to make memories as memories can be made anywhere.

Ireolu · 10/02/2025 15:17

Creating memories with your children and having time away from day to day doesn't have to cost lots of money. I would wonder why his mum has that impression of pressure and if he feels this but has not voiced it to you. Expectations need discussing between the two of you.

Also from what OP has written his seizures are being investigated and managed. His health is a priority for them. I am guessing he was on medication for epilepsy prior to them coming back again??

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 10/02/2025 15:16

AffIt · 10/02/2025 14:40

I think getting to the bottom of your husband's medical condition and hopefully solving or alleviating it takes precedence over 'making memories'.

Absolutely. Or, very sadly, you could be left making memories without him in the end. That's a painful fact. We almost lost my dad to workplace stress-related illness.

Focus on his health.

Original poster
Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 15:14

CulturalNomad · 10/02/2025 14:53

First things first: your husband having several seizures after having been fine for many years is a red flag. He needs to see the doctor as soon as possible. This takes priority over taking the kids on holiday.

It really is odd to be banging on about how you absolutely must takes the kids away or they'll be at some kind of disadvantage at school. That's actually pretty silly. Strongly encourage your husband to get himself to the GP, then sit down as a couple and figure out how you can alleviate some of the stressors that may be contributing to your husband's health issues.

He is getting proper treatment don’t you think that was the first priority? Do people think we would just watch him have a seizure and then go back to our day like nothing ever happened? Obviously now he is stable and has been seen by the specialist and being treated before anything else is even a thought

OP posts:
Original poster
Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 15:10

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/02/2025 15:01

But holidays aren’t important? They aren’t necessary.

I know that but we can afford it and he has never said he doesn’t want to go before and in fact he has said he likes to have something booked as that always gives him something to look foward to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 15:07

Yes i work currently part time and he doesn’t need to stay in his job. I have said many times he needs to leave if it’s causing him stress and find something else or even go part time then i can up my hours back up and he has categorically said he doesn’t want to do that as he doesn’t think its the job thats the issue but the company and management so if he leaves he will go to another company and keep things as they are. Am happy to up my hours and for him to go part time but just doesn’t want to and he is a grown man I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/02/2025 15:01

But holidays aren’t important? They aren’t necessary.

toomuchfaff · 10/02/2025 15:00

we need to take kids on holidays and we need to give them more memories while they are young and I don’t want them to be the only ones not doing anything during the holidays as they will be left out at school

Because holidays are the most important thing in a child's life... YES YABU

Holidays are the bottom priority of a long list when critical health issues are also on that list...

Original poster
Ideas22 · 10/02/2025 14:55

He is getting medical help and has seen the neurologist and is getting treatment obviously that was the first priority but everything is under control in that sense. His job is a different issue i have said many times he needs to leave it as there is no issues financially but I can’t force him to i have said many times.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 10/02/2025 14:53

You can make memories with your dc in your local area while your dh gets proper treatment for his seizure disorder.

CulturalNomad · 10/02/2025 14:53

First things first: your husband having several seizures after having been fine for many years is a red flag. He needs to see the doctor as soon as possible. This takes priority over taking the kids on holiday.

It really is odd to be banging on about how you absolutely must takes the kids away or they'll be at some kind of disadvantage at school. That's actually pretty silly. Strongly encourage your husband to get himself to the GP, then sit down as a couple and figure out how you can alleviate some of the stressors that may be contributing to your husband's health issues.

Dror · 10/02/2025 14:53

Are you employed? If not, it would be pressuring your husband to fund a holiday to keep up with the Joneses.

How did your MIL know you told your husband you want a holiday?

Obviously the only important thing is getting the man's seizures under control. He must be terrified.

Miley1967 · 10/02/2025 14:50

Does mil think the additional stress is form dh thinking he has to work harder to pay for holidays or the actual stress of taking them away on holiday? To be honest I don't think there's anything more stressful than going on holiday with small kids so she may have a point ! I imagine it's stressful if he can no longer drive etc. I would just have a quiet summer, low key with local days out. Kids can get just as much from these.

CandidRaven · 10/02/2025 14:50

He is her son and she wants to make sure he is not stressed as she knows that causes more seizures and I think his health is more important than holidays to be honest

VoodooRajin · 10/02/2025 14:50

That sounds v annoying, it will just be used as an excuse not to do anything, holidays as a family are important

JonSnowedUnder · 10/02/2025 14:47

She is his mother and I'm sure she worries about the seizures. He might be an adult but he's still her son. I think if you haven't had any issues with her in 10 years, gives her some grace. Maybe she over stepped, maybe she has a point, it's hard for us to know from what you've written but I would definitely prioritise health above holidays.

Pigeonqueen · 10/02/2025 14:46

rubyslippers · 10/02/2025 14:35

I think you need to get him to the GP and look at getting his stress etc under control

taking the kids away when your DH isn’t in full
health is not ideal especially when it’s acute - that’s the priority right now

having said that it’s unreasonable your MIL suggests you go away without your DH

All of this.

BruFord · 10/02/2025 14:45

What you need to remember is how that your MIL still views her son the way you view your children, I.e., his health and well-being are her priorities. She may care about you too, but mainly because you make her son happy, iyswim.

If his current stress levels may lead to seizures, he needs medical help. Perhaps also think of some family-friendly activities that can help reduce stress-walking, cycling, swimming, etc.

Maddy70 · 10/02/2025 14:44

She has known him all her life. Stress triggers seizures. She isn't saying you're causing them but family stress added to work stress doesn't help. Work stress you can't do anything about but family stress can be eased does he have to work harder in order to pay for a holiday? Is it another task he will have to do .. booking, planning etc ?
If money isn't the issue. Why don't you book it , take the decision making off him , or maybe a holiday is something he really can't cope with at the moment. (They can be quite stressful!)
I think you need to encourage him to go to the doctor's and seek advice

MissUltraViolet · 10/02/2025 14:42

What’s the financial set up? Do you earn or is DH the sole/main earner? If so then I can understand why she reacted how she did. He has been stressed at work lately and his seizures are returning as a result…and you are complaining about wanting to go on holiday.

MistyF · 10/02/2025 14:41

I voted YABU.

manly because people often time need some time away from their kids and it sounds like you're not accepting that.
Take him to doctor, if he wasn't to doctor already.

Tagyoureit · 10/02/2025 14:41

Well read the room, your dh is unwell to the point of having seizures, stressed at work but knows he can't just quit his job and you're blithering on about going on holiday to "keep up with the joneses" which can be a unnecessary financial burden. It's a bit crass!

MumChp · 10/02/2025 14:41

No you dont need to take young children holiday.

Focus on your husband's wellbeing and health.

AffIt · 10/02/2025 14:40

I think getting to the bottom of your husband's medical condition and hopefully solving or alleviating it takes precedence over 'making memories'.

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