AIBU to be upset at mother in law for saying i put DH under too much pressure?

I agree with this. I also think that holidays as a family are important, actually. If funds are tight, I can see that they need to be de-prioritised over essentials like food and housing, but if they aren't, then holidays are amazing. I know that the phrase 'making memories' is a bit trite, but actually some of my most important memories are of being on family hoildays, so I voted that OP is not BU.

The way you approached this conversation, effectively guilt-tripping him into holidays, isn’t a great way to help him manage his stress levels. It’s adding financial pressure, time pressure, peer pressure, the feeling of not being a good enough father or provider. Yikes!

Ohh that was my bad. I didn't read all of the subsequent posts. Yes she could definitely be worried about her son and that's completely understandable. However you can be concerned about your son's health issues without once mentioning their marriage and getting involved in that aspect of his life.

I think it's smart like you said to give her a pass this one time but if it keeps happening since in laws shouldn't be involved heavily in the details or running of their child's marriage DH needs to step out and put that boundary in place saying he will not engage in any conversation with his mother where his wife is blamed talked bad about.

@OneGreenTraybake The OP was the person who told her MIL about making memories/going on holiday, not her DH. He hasn’t said a word!

The conversation was just a general chat between me and her and SIL where i just mentioned to them that i had said that to him

I agree that in general, however, it’s best for PIL to keep their noses out of their adult children’s plans. If the MIL doesn’t normally interfere though, I’d give her a pass on this occasion given that she’s worried about the sudden return of her son’s seizures.

If she’s wrong about what causes them and more activities/going away won’t make any difference, her son can correct her.

Am I the only one who thinks it's absolutely ridiculous that this grown man's mother is fighting his battles in his marriage. Why is he allowing his mother to do this in the first place and not saying, "mom please don't criticize my wife in this manner how we handle our marital business is the our business and no one else's." You don't have a MIL problem you have a DH problem who allows his mother to butt into your personal affairs which is your marriage and save in to protect her baby boy who needs protecting from his evil wife. It's a tale as old of time DIL is evil while the precious baby boy needs saving from her.

All these posts about men who run to their mothers instead of going to their wives about problems and hiding behind their mother to fight their battles with their wife because they need their mothers to be their voice I am reading lately of man child momma's boys is sickening. Maybe my tolerance of what I will and won't accept in an in law relationship/marriage I have a very low tolerance for because this would absolutely not fly in my marriage. I would most certainly be telling DH he needs to have a serious discussion like yesterday about boundaries with his mother,

MIL isn't right and neither are you. OP has said:

'Nobody ever said he needs to continue in his job. I have repeatedly said he needs to leave he has refused. What am i supposed to do ? Call his employer and resign for him ? And no i can fund myself and more than happy to and he knows that. Money isn’t the issue here so he can leave his job whenever he wants but refuses to and says he will move company instead'

OP has also said:

'He is getting proper treatment don’t you think that was the first priority? Do people think we would just watch him have a seizure and then go back to our day like nothing ever happened? Obviously now he is stable and has been seen by the specialist and being treated before anything else is even a thought'

Has anyone actually talked to him properly about why he is feeling stressed?
You say financially things are good, and that he doesn't have to work if he wanted to give up. Is that part of the issue in that you do everything and he then lacks purpose? I think it's not just the seizures but actually what is triggering him to be so stressed right now that needs to be looked at (counselling maybe)

Just to also note the point about kids comparing what they did in the summer, lots of kids forget as it's such a long time and gone are the days of teacher asking each child as schools are aware that for many reasons the holidays are not always good and many children are not making wonderful memories.

Lots of insane replies to the OP. The woman was talking to her husband about taking their children on holiday, some most families do. People who have seizures can go on holiday Wtf.

How was the holiday idea presented? Who is paying for it? If you'd said, I've found an appt/villa in X for a week in August, we can easily afford it and I would love us all to go, then that clearly is not adding to the stress. However, if he is struggling with his MH as well as coming to terms with the seizures and sorting things out with HR (could he be deemed unfit to do his job?), then anything extra beyond getting through the week will add to his stress. Get him down the doctors, get him some therapy or ADs, and then ask him to book a week off work in the summer, which will be your treat - you book it, you pay for it, you do the packing and the paperwork and he just needs to come along. That would work nicely.

If you said it how you said it in your post about the kids needing memories and comparing them to their friends etc then I completely understand why she thought that and I agree with her.

Lesson for you here OP and you're not alone.

Be mindful of what you share of your marriage with other people. Everyone has an opinion.

You shouldn't have said anything. It's none of their business but you made it their business. Sadly that is how it works when you share any information.

Did she actually say that you putting him under pressure was causing seizures, or did you make that link because you were feeling defensive?

I guess it depends on whether a holiday would help him relax, or make him more stressed. You could maybe be take the kids to do some exciting things without DH so they get the experiences without him feeling under pressure?

And i know kids can make memories anywhere but if i want to take them on holiday and i can afford it then i will.

The way you phrased it was rather bizarre though.

I would say, 'we are off to x this year on holiday-we are all really looking forward to a break from work and spending time together' rather than anything about the kids being left out at school if they don't have a holiday!

Can’t believe these replies. As if OP hasn’t already sought medical advice.
YANBU. A holiday might be just what he needs if the job is causing him stress. I’m sure he will know whether it stressed him out or not.

Yabu. I thought you wanted him to have a holiday so he can relax. you lost me when you talked about making memories for the DC.
Your DH isn't well. My priority would be to get it medically assessed and treated. Holiday isn't really a priority right now esp if it's about 'making memories'. There are a million times to 'make memories' tbh, I don't even have a clue what on earth that means. I was never able to take my DC on a holiday - we have still plenty of memories of all sorts of stuff. I really think your priorities are wrong to pressure DH about a hol at that point.

I think be careful about talking to your MIL about your DH if you don’t want to here her opinion.

You need to forget all that nonsense, focus on your husband getting better and stop badgering him about this sort of stuff. Holidays can come later.

It sounds as if it was you who started talking about this with your MIL.
Don't tell her things if you don't want her opinion.
She's probably worried about her son.
You have given her some information i.e. you think your kids are missing out and need to go on holiday- but you think other information i.e. that you're earning enough yourself to pay for it and you have suggested that your husband takes a less stressful job, is none of her business.
She's probably got the wrong impression, but that's down to how you worded it.
She's going off what you said to her.