To hate my colour

You may not be able to visit your fathers ancestral land if it is far off.
But there are emigre communities in most large cities of UK.
Could you explore those maybe go to cultural events and restaurants and begin to make a link that way.
As to the hair I have no experience but perhaps trying to tame it into straight European hair is a mistake.
Have you tried taking advice from a good African hairdresser who could suggest a simple natural style.
I wish you all the best.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. Negative or positive it’s still rooted in racism. 💐

Yes I think the message to my non mixed cousins was very much isn't she pretty with her fair skin I was literally treated like a doll. I was uncomfortable with this as a little girl but couldn't understand why and its horrible to think others got a far more negative message

It may have seemed positive towards me (being the 70/80's there was a load of sexy comments made too🤢 ) but the message is overall negative

Yep.

Especially since light skinned black people are considered more attractive than dark skinned black people.

I'm mixed race. I think it's sad that you feel the way you do but, it's not unusual. A study carried out in South Africa found that black people there had all sorts of mental health issues from feeling "less than" due to apartheid. I know other studies have looked at this and colonialism has negatively impacted people's self-esteem and self worth. When I heard all of this, it was like a lightbulb went off. I grew up in a white working class town and have experienced a lot of racism. I liken it at times to having a really obvious disability, where people judge you immediately. For example, I'm the last person who would steal however, I know that I'm keenly watched in a shop!

My eldest son is a quarter black and yet he seems embarrassed of this since he started secondary school and experienced racism.
I've lived in London and had a pretty diverse group of friends. I remember attending the Afro-Caribbean society with my other mixed-race friend and somebody shouted out "what are those 2 white girls doing here?" 😂 Being mixed race can sometimes feel like you don't fit in anywhere. I can't think of the word for it but there is one!

Truly though, please get therapy. I suspect your relationship with your dad is also playing into it but you only get one life and you need to find contentment and acceptance. I think that you're really brave to be this honest.

I really think you need some professional help...there's a huge amount of issues at play here op....your upbringing, your father, your whole identity.

Best of luck

I am sorry op that you feel this way

we really need to stop with the fetishisation of mixed race people making comments like mixed race is so beautiful or children are the cutest etc we are all beautiful and all children are cute

I hated as a child being told i was so cute because I had such dark eyes or that i was exotic (when a bit older which always sounded sexual) and always having it pointed out I looked so different from my white English family (mixed white english and south Asian)

it may not bother people being told this but really you shouldn't assume this especially towards children

I'm mixed race, sounds like a really similar upbringing to yours as well. Brought up in Scotland, didn't meet a black person till I was in my teens. Have experienced racism throughout my life, in the form of name-calling from kids and adults. Remember a cousin's friend refusing to let me in her house because I looked different, her mum seemed so embarrassed. I'm really sorry you hate your skin. I struggled with being different when I was younger but have embraced my colour and fro as I got in my 20's. I also have a few mixed race friends that get how hard it is to neither be black or white, and I really think it helps to meet similar people who get it. I also echo counselling, maybe even with a therapist who identifies as mixed race might be helpful. I'm curious if you have kids, as I'd be worried about passing on your issues on this to them.

I’m Scandinavian and my entire life I’ve been jealous of those who are mixed race. Best of everything.

I think it’s important to not specify any skin as being the most beautiful Especially when skin colour for any mixed race person is unique.

I am so sorry you feel this way.

FWIW I think it is human nature to think what you are used to seeing is beautiful.

I grew up in a Jewish enviroment, and I secretly think most blondes look a bit washed out, probably simply because most Jewish people have dark hair so that is what I am used to. and I have blonde siblings! so it doesn't have to make sense. Of course there are beautiful blondes. (and brunettes, and mixed race people, and redheads...)

I absolutely agree seeing a counsellor is an excellent idea. Your feelings are extremely valid.

And have a look into internalised racism - just because nobody around you is racist, you will still be picking up on wider society’s preferential treatment of white people.

It definitely isn’t insignificant. I’d recommend a counsellor who is culturally sensitive and has experience in dealing with this sort of thing. I know an excellent one - PM me if you’d like their details.

What could be a more serious issue than not feeling comfortable/accepting of your own skin? You absolutely deserve and should find some quality counselling, and I’d recommend getting it from another mixed race counsellor/therapist (have a look at the BAATN website).

I’m mixed race (and adopted, relinquished by a white mother who had an affair with a black man as she thought I would stick out too much in her white community). Trust me, I understand hating your own skin/hair/being different to your whole family. I used to take down the net curtains and tie them around my head as a kid pretending I had long straight hair.

I’m still the only non-white person in my immediate family, having gone on to marry a white man and have white children. I’m more comfortable in my skin now after lots (and I mean LOTS) of therapeutic support. Still hurts when my kids identify as white though!

If you think you're so educated, why couldn't you read the opening post properly?

"I have never experienced racism, my family have never treated me any differently, infact they love my darker skin"

And if the OP (who comes across as perfectly able to speak for herself) only wanted to hear from black or mixed race Mumsnetters, I'm quite sure she wouldn't have chosen to post here in AIBU.

So keep your beak out of my exchange with the OP.

Thanks.

Huh? What are you on about? To quote the OP: 'I have never experienced racism, my family have never treated me any differently, infact they love my darker skin'

But it does annoy me when white people mock their own skin with all the 'pale and pasty'. What's wrong with pale? I'm pale. I was born this way. I don't feel the need for a tan, fake or otherwise, I'm happy to be pale.

Anyway.

Sorry you feel this way, OP. It's sad and I hope a good therapist can help you untangle all this, to accept yourself and to find peace. All the best to you and yours

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I agree with the others this will be deeper and to do with family.

For the record I have very pale skin (had over 10 minor skin cancers already, I’m under 50 and not a sun worshipper). I know this isn’t the reason you hate your skin really, but mixed race is the most beautiful colour. I hide my awful white legs that go corn beef when cold. Not to mention thin straight hair 😜. I hope you learn to love yourself x

your experiance as a "pasty white person " can never be the same as racism experianced by a person of color and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous and insulting

I can't help but feel sad for what you're going through. As a black woman I cherish and love my skin. My friends are predominantly white and my Afro hair is a nightmare to look after but I love it because it's me/ mine and have never even considered wanting to be a different colour, so I'm afraid I can't offer real insight, just a virtual hug. I agree with other posters about having therapy and considering whether this has to do with your father and abandonment and not having the opportunity to learn about your heritage from someone who loves you. When I was young, I watched an old movie called Imitation of Life, which reminds me in some small ways of what you're going through. It was about a mixed race girl who could mostly pass as white, she hated the black part of her heritage and rejected her mother as a result. It was a sad movie all round. I wish you all the very best xx

Sorry you feel this way, my dad is black and my mother is white and I feel the opposite. I identify much more with my black culture and dont feel remotely white. However, I am much closer to my black family.

Your dad isn't in your life but what about your wider family? Grandparents, cousins etc. Assume you are an only child? You literally cannot change who you are so time to embrace the other side of you that's been neglected.

I think the issue is you’ve never been around black people. Proud black people.

I would look into community events you can attend.

Also for your kids it’s important they are around other black people.

The default you grew up with was white. Society applauds white standards of beauty.

I think there is a racial bias you will need to unpack.

I follow mixedracefaces on Insta, there are some very interesting posts on there from people of various ethnicities discussing how they feel about their make-up.

i get it.

My hair is so difficult, it actually makes me sad.
Sounds ridiculous unless you experience it!

Your post is not only condescending, but it's completely glossing over the race issues at hand and makes it all about you.

Stop trying to make out the white experience is in any way comparable and that you have it hard, because at best you're naive. Educate yourself about your privilege.