Ex partners new partner calling my son "mum"

I think you’re off the mark with trying to control what happens outside of your home.

I am a step mother and while I’ve never asked the children to call me mum - they did. They are at an age now they are calling me by my name as they understand the dynamics of their life. Am I bothered - no. Whatever they are comfortable with I’m fine with.

Children don’t have adult understanding of the world or situations around them. They rationalise things based on their experience.

Be grateful that she’s a woman who will be good to your child and wants to do activities which benefit him.

Your next move is going to determine how much. My step childrens mum could call me right now and I’d answer my phone and help out anyway she asked me too.

I doubt you’ll enjoy a similar relationship with her and that’s your loss.

Are you Mum or Mummy (or something else)? If you are both Mum then that is out of order.

I agree it's upsetting but if he has been told to call her that it is a discussion you need to have with your ex, not your DS. Can she be Mama or something? As long as it isn't what he calls you then you may have to accept it.

You’re sharing an awful awful lot of private info about this lady, please think before outing everyone x

When he says it just say you mean Rachel, her names Rachel and keep reinforcing it,

@Mummaonherown does she have children that could have been swimming too? If they were calling her mum, he may be copying them. My daughter's friend's son called me granny because my grandchildren did. He genuinely thinks it's my name.

Defo not right. I would be going absolutely bonkers if this was my child. From everything I have read from you, it sounds like he is very manipulative, maybe even told your child to call his new gf mum to get a reaction from you? Sounds a bit like he realises he has been a tw@t to u in the past and he now realises what he could've had (sounds like u have ur head screwed on and would avoid!) I personally would be very upset, if he keeps overstepping the boundaries then maybe suggest an outing together. It's also not fair on his gf if she can't have children so as he is likely to cheat on her too

Being devils advocate
If he went swimming with Dad + GF pretty much any member of staff or public might have referred to her as mum. I'd find it a much more likely scenario than being encouraged after such a short time.

He's now saying her name, he hasn't mentioned her today and if he does it's "Rachel"

Oh that’s good. I think just reinforce to him that “mum” means the same as mummy and it’s weird for him to call this woman mum because she’s not his mum. At four I think he can understand. Sorry your ex is such a weirdo; his partner also sounds very odd. I can’t imagine for a minute why they think this is appropriate.

My dh has children from a past relationship , we have been together now many years . His children have gone from age 10/12 to adulthood.
I've never been called Mum by them , they have a mother.
I have a good relationship with them and they call me by my name.
I know your son is very young but I'm sure if he came say mummy , daddy , nan etc , he can learn her name .
I'd be telling your ex he has no option to allow his partner to be called mum.
As a suggestion , in the Jamaica culture friends of parents and other close females in children's lives are known as Auntie , could he call her that ?

@Mummaonherown it all sounds very odd. How old is your child? Does he not know what ‘mum’ means? I’m struggle to imagine my little ones being comfortable calling a virtual stranger ‘mum’… are you very sure you haven’t misunderstood/ misheard what he is saying? Can you explain to him that he only has one mum, like he only has one dad, and that’s you?

Ask your ds what mum looks like. From his description you may be able to tell whether it’s you ex’s girlfriend or not.

This might be a really stupid thing to ask, but is there any chance your ex’s mum went swimming with them? Assuming she is still alive/part of your exes life/your son doesn’t know her as “grandma”. I appreciate that your ex has been denying his new girlfriend was there when you have asked, but have you specifically mentioned that your son keeps referring to this other “mum” and asked whether he has heard your son referring to anyone else as “mum”?

There's not much you can do here because sadly the one suffering is your son, who is essentially being called a liar. You know very well your ex is liar and has no regard for women so you're just going to have to go with it and try to make sure your son is protected and has a decent male role model in his life, like a grandparent or uncle. There is no reasoning with a pathological liar, as you have found out. Best to opt out of the drama now.

This is not the same at all. I say that as someone who was not raised by her parents. Apples and oranges. You were their safe place. This woman is a stranger and it sounds like it’s driven by dad. It’s confusing and potentially harmful.

however when they were younger they would call us mum and dad at times. This was accepted by SW as children were trying to 'fit in' in social situations so as not to stand out ie park, swimming etc.

thank you for pointing out at least one scenario - and this is just one- where it is certainly kinder to the child to let them use language that they are comfortable with regardless of the feelings of adults.

If he is that insistent on 'she is mum' then it would seem that he's been pushed towards that but a child can choose that ie a dad s partner is mum as in 'mum and dad'.
We foster and obviously we are not mum and dad, the kids know we are not mum and dad, we have good relationships with mum and dad, however when they were younger they would call us mum and dad at times. This was accepted by SW as children were trying to 'fit in' in social situations so as not to stand out ie park, swimming etc.
My concern would be your sons insistence, that shes mum, with you that its adult led.

Urgh the ex sounds like a pathological liar. He’s going to find it harder to lie as your son gets older and his speech develops. You’re doing all the right things, OP. I can see why you’re concerned.