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Original poster

Struggling with new confrontational manager

36 replies

spanieleyes22 · 10/02/2025 10:21

So I have a new manager and am finding it very hard to get on with her. It's a brand new job for me everything is new and she is always saying to me "just put questions in the teams chat" but when I do she is very confrontational and always replies like I should have known xyz . That she looked at this document etc when I've already looked and read the documents she talks about and still have a question . Maybe it's me but she makes me feel like crap all the time. I'd say it's her own insecurity as she is quite young and has no experience of managing. Just got told I should have looked at xyz and done xyz when I put a question up this morn. I'll have to think of a different strategy I think.

OP posts:
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BurntBroccoli · 20/02/2025 13:53

spanieleyes22 · 11/02/2025 11:30

Just had a teams meeting and manager said did anyone have any questions and I asked one and she just shut me down. Feel like crying tbh. I'm so at sea in this job I hate it. Every day I try and try and don't seem to be getting anywhere. Am so fed up.

Bet she didn't know the answer herself and was embarrassed to say so in front of others.
She should be helping you out- being new in a role is difficult.

Branleuse · 20/02/2025 13:49

Is there anyone else you could speak to about it?
If you are new to the job, have they provided training?
Its really not fair if the culture is that you can ask questions, but only publically in front of everyone in a group chat.
If you are made to feel stupid whenever you ask for help or clarification, that doesnt sound like a good place to work.

Rainingalldayonmyhead · 20/02/2025 13:47

spanieleyes22 · 11/02/2025 11:30

Just had a teams meeting and manager said did anyone have any questions and I asked one and she just shut me down. Feel like crying tbh. I'm so at sea in this job I hate it. Every day I try and try and don't seem to be getting anywhere. Am so fed up.

So my suggestion is to have a conversation with her. You aren’t on the same page and it will only escalate. Address it nicely and calmly in a 1-1 situation over coffee say. You aren’t communicating the way she wants to likes so stop doing it and address it head on.

You say she’s immature but you are basing that on her age which isn’t right or fair.

Your feelings may be leaking and she sees that.

It’s your responsibility to do your part and make things better.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 20/02/2025 13:47

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Yeh I guess. She winds me up in person I think she's insecure in front to the team so she shuts me down . I tried to ask something at the meeting on Tuesday but she shut me down so fast. Probably it's me I'm too sensitive . Maybe I dunno. I'm trying to ignore her now as much as possible. I only respond to her inquiries I don't initiate any I try to find out from someone else

OP posts:
PersephonesPomegranate · 20/02/2025 13:45

Is this perhaps a management style that isn't landing? I've had "coaching training" from my work and a lot of the focus is about putting the onus back on the other person to find the answer. 'Coaching' them towards the correct literature or area where they might find the answer. This way, the question-asker gets the "win" of succeeding and the manager gets to think they somehow helped.

I think it can be beneficial at times but 100% not with a new start, who actually needs help to build the foundations of training before they develop further skills.

Whosaidthathuh · 20/02/2025 13:39

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Whosaidthathuh · 20/02/2025 13:39

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Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 16:53

If I try and be proactive like setting up meetings with people she gets very defensive and says she was meaning to do that . Ah hopefully things will get better at least for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 16:52

Sunat45degrees · 12/02/2025 15:27

Does she answer the questions in the chat? even f you don't like how she does it?

She always says look here or look there which I have already done or she gives and answer that's a non answer at which point I give up and try and ask someone else who usually doesn't know. I'm realizing that because there wasn't a handover nobody knows what's going on. I feel like she should have been proactive as she was in post for weeks before I started. Not sure what she was doing in those weeks!

OP posts:
Sunat45degrees · 12/02/2025 15:27

Does she answer the questions in the chat? even f you don't like how she does it?

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 14:42

Yeh ok points taken. It's hard to explain everything here. I'm irritated with her and she's probably irritated with me too. I'll try and do better. I just hate a lot of managers I think. I wonder what they are being paid all this money for. She just takes zero responsibility despite saying all the time "just put your questions in the chat" .

OP posts:
Sunat45degrees · 12/02/2025 13:47

spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 13:23

She said there would be 1-1 meetings but nothing so far. Maybe it's just me being a PITA. Probably I need to stop asking her anything and try and ask someone else . I haven't asked anything since Friday anyway just keeping my head down. Am scared that she will say why haven't you done xyz though .and if I say I don't know she will say well you should have asked questions in the chat if you don't know. It's tricky. Though as others say it's probably all my fault anyway so

Show quote history

OP < i'm going to be quite tough with you here.

This post, if it's anything like you behave at work, is sending up huge red flags for me.

So - 1-1 meetings that haven't been scehduled. Annoying, I understand. Why don't you be proactive and ask for one and schedule it?

Maybe it's just me being a PITA.
Probably I need to stop asking her anything and try and ask someone else. Though as others say it's probably all my fault anyway

These are all very classic "I'm the victim, even though I've done nothing to try solve the problem" statements and can be extraordinarily frustrating to deal with. Try turning it around:
"I think maybe I'v ebeen frustrating her. I'm going to ask a colleague for their help on this specific issue / ask a colleague for advice on how best to approach my manager and take ownership of the challenge."

I haven't asked anything since Friday anyway just keeping my head down. Am scared that she will say why haven't you done xyz though. and if I say I don't know she will say well you should have asked questions in the chat if you don't know.

which you should have. Or perhaps you should have known the answers. I don't know, what about in that 1-1 asking her if the questions you're asking are the problem and if she has preferences on how/when you do ask?

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 13:23

hopeishere · 12/02/2025 13:12

Do you have any regular 1-2-1 meeting with her at all? What is your company policy on supervision / performance / appraisal?

What sort of industry is it? What would happen if you just worked ahead without getting an answer or is that not possible?

She said there would be 1-1 meetings but nothing so far. Maybe it's just me being a PITA. Probably I need to stop asking her anything and try and ask someone else . I haven't asked anything since Friday anyway just keeping my head down. Am scared that she will say why haven't you done xyz though .and if I say I don't know she will say well you should have asked questions in the chat if you don't know. It's tricky. Though as others say it's probably all my fault anyway so

OP posts:
Sunat45degrees · 12/02/2025 13:16

OP, I'm afraid that if your posts on here are anything to go by, your questions may be very vague and a bit irritating.

If the Team Chat is open, can you ask someone you trust who has seen your questions and her answers to give you some advice?

hopeishere · 12/02/2025 13:12

Do you have any regular 1-2-1 meeting with her at all? What is your company policy on supervision / performance / appraisal?

What sort of industry is it? What would happen if you just worked ahead without getting an answer or is that not possible?

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 13:03

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 12/02/2025 12:55

Maybe it’s because there isn’t a clear cut answer, it’s a bit of a grey area / judgement call. So you need to read the guidance and then use your brain to figure out what to do. You asking her certain questions is like asking her to do your job for you. Your job is to think about it and make a call. Maybe you’ll make mistakes or not do things perfectly at first, but in time you will be the expert that she can rely on to get the job done.

Yeh ok I'm starting to get that. It's irritating though as she is on a lot more money and considering I've made a sideways move that would be a lot more than my other role. Which is ok I suppose. I'm just not inclined to work my ass off for her

OP posts:
TuesdayRubies · 12/02/2025 13:00

She sounds like a shit manager.

Viviennemary · 12/02/2025 12:59

spanieleyes22 · 10/02/2025 10:54

Yeh I need to be more descriptive in my questions. Or ask someone else I think.

Or you could say is there anyone in the company who would be able to answer thisif you can't . That would make her look a bit daft. Which she is IMHO.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 12/02/2025 12:55

Maybe it’s because there isn’t a clear cut answer, it’s a bit of a grey area / judgement call. So you need to read the guidance and then use your brain to figure out what to do. You asking her certain questions is like asking her to do your job for you. Your job is to think about it and make a call. Maybe you’ll make mistakes or not do things perfectly at first, but in time you will be the expert that she can rely on to get the job done.

Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 12:34

Aaron95 · 11/02/2025 16:42

Why are people resorting to chat if they don't know how to do something?

Does nobody speak to anyone any more? An actual conversation is usually a far more effective way of teaching osmeone how to do something they are unsure about.

I know I would love to sit down with her and work some things out but I don't know if she is scared as she doesn't know what she is doing or if she's busy. She has got a lot on her plate.

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 12:33

lnks · 11/02/2025 17:40

I used to work with a person who would 'just ask questions', when in reality she was inappropriately challenging long established rules and processes when she had no right to. This isn't what you're doing is it?

Edited

No I honestly don't care I just want to know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
spanieleyes22 · 12/02/2025 12:31

Cattreesea · 11/02/2025 17:58

Have you had a formal induction when you joined the company?

Have you done any training you might new to get used to new IT/admin system?

Did you get a proper handover from the previous person in the role?

Has your manager set up regular one to one meetings where you can discuss how you are settling in the job, set KPIs/targets and so on?

If your manager has not done any of the above, then she is not doing her job correctly.

Ask for a meeting with her and make it clear you need to go through the issues you are having and how they can be resolved.

Edited

No handover - there has been a brutal restructure and people moved around against their will and against common sense imo. 2 women used to do my role well part of my role and were moved and left no notes or files or anything. It was acrimonious is what I can gather . They had been in the role for years and years. I have reached out to both since I started but they have given very short answers to my queries. I think they are pissed off.

No training given. Just dropped in the deep end.

I posted before about this manager. At the beginning she was over friendly and I found her quite condescending - maybe this is my problem - but she was sending me lots of sickly sweet messages saying she had faith in me that I could overcome the challenges of starting in this role and offering her support and saying put your questions in the chat. Promised 1-1 meetings but nothing has materialized except a meeting last week where there were 3 managers and me. They had a go at me basically.

OP posts:
RockyRogue1001 · 11/02/2025 20:02

WildestWinter · 11/02/2025 16:44

"Hi [manager], can I clarify a point around [topic]? My understanding from [manual] and talking to Susan and Bob is XYZ, can you confirm or is there additional context I should know?"

Genius!

Cattreesea · 11/02/2025 17:58

Have you had a formal induction when you joined the company?

Have you done any training you might new to get used to new IT/admin system?

Did you get a proper handover from the previous person in the role?

Has your manager set up regular one to one meetings where you can discuss how you are settling in the job, set KPIs/targets and so on?

If your manager has not done any of the above, then she is not doing her job correctly.

Ask for a meeting with her and make it clear you need to go through the issues you are having and how they can be resolved.

lnks · 11/02/2025 17:40

I used to work with a person who would 'just ask questions', when in reality she was inappropriately challenging long established rules and processes when she had no right to. This isn't what you're doing is it?