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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling DH he's taking the P

66 replies

yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 20:43

I've name changed because I know SILs on here

AIBU to tell DH he's taking the piss out of me and to sort his shit out?

We are under a lot of stress, a lot! We've have 2 DC and he has 2 from previous marriage. We now have all 4 DC full time and SS involvement so a lot of stuff going on.

This week he's been on AL and out everyday, helping someone do this and someone doing that and just assuming I'll do all school runs which is all 4 in all different schools with all different finishing times and takes about 1hr 20 min to do the round trip and be back home.

The last few days kids have been full on, not naughty but just a lot, he hasn't been home. I told him I'm overwhelmed and he needs to help out. He decided to stay home today to in his words "help me" but he's done fuck all but sit like a miserable fucker on his phone so the kids have all still come to me, I've done all the washing prep the uniform, sort the cat, do the food shop, cook dinner, pack packed lunch's and made sure homework's done. I asked for help and dinner dishing up and his idea was turning his phone off and waiting until I've done everyone's to dish his own.

He's snapped at one of the DC and shouted to loud over nothing so I said let's calm down and leave it; its not a big deal. He turned on me said I'm under estimating him but I've told him before he needs to be aware that sometimes he goes in to harsh with punishments and his reactions don't warrant the punishment but apparently I should just stand there and watch and say nothing but he can fuck right off of he thinks I'm going to let me DC think it's okay to be treated that harshly when they don't deserve it and mum will just watch. We're both in separate rooms atmosphere is awful but AIBU? Should I of handled it different?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 09/02/2025 22:42

how do I refuse to make sure his DC have clean uniform but do my own? How can I shop for my own and not his? This is where I can't find the balance. I would never let me DC go without

@yourtakingtheP

Am I to understand that your DH would simply let his children (your stepchildren) go without and not attend to their needs if you said to him, “Hey, sorting out these things for them is your responsibility now as I am overloaded”?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/02/2025 22:30

You need a week away with a girlfriend. Husband is useless.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 09/02/2025 22:11

JustWalkingTheDogs · 09/02/2025 22:10

You just need to tell him it's 50/50 from now onwards, he takes half the kids to school and you do the other run. If he can't because of work. Tough shit he sorts something out

Op you sound a real

I mean to say 'a real soft touch, and he's using that against you' why the fuck would you take all 4 kids of you split! 2 aren't yours!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/02/2025 22:11

yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 21:30

He has never and would never be physical, I mean more harsh if they mess around and are asked to stop but don't then it will be a right no netball this week or no screens tonight, that's kind of thing. I don't like stopping activities because they benefit from them, they enjoy it, keep them active and we have to pay regardless but he sees it more as well they were told to stop they didn't so they don't get to do something fun that they want

Show quote history

I don't use screens as a consequence unless the behaviour is screen related and I would never use missing sport as a punishment, it's too valuable for mental and physical health. It feels like lazy parenting to me, he's not actually dealing with and addressing the issues so he won't make things better for them. His older two have been through something traumatising punishment isn't the answer to that.

You can never make someone see reality, they have to be willing to see. I suppose one thing to consider is that you might get to a point where single parenting is actually better than having him around. Resentment and hurt, very justified can still eat away at a relationship. When I tried to get my XH to step up he became abusive, some men get angry and nasty when expected to carry the weight fairly. I see shades of that in his reactions here. I do know you can't make him see, maybe you can shock him a bit, if he's afraid he'll lose you. XH would rather torpedo everything than step up because he deserved all his downtime and was so stressed and so on, my stress and need for downtime was never valid to him. It doesn't sound like he'll listen, does he care about how his eldest two are dealing with what they've been through? Have they had counselling around this? Is it only you trying to support them through this? It's a lot to go through for a child.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 09/02/2025 22:10

You just need to tell him it's 50/50 from now onwards, he takes half the kids to school and you do the other run. If he can't because of work. Tough shit he sorts something out

Op you sound a real

TomatoSandwiches · 09/02/2025 22:06

MiniPumpkin · 09/02/2025 21:54

Sorry but why is he assuming you will do all school runs ?
if on leave he should be putting that first.
he should be making more of an effort with ss involvement tbh

Because op is a soft touch and that's likely why he picked her.

Dror · 09/02/2025 22:06

How does being married to this man serve you? The entire point of the man is to make your life easier, fun and peaceful.
He has chosen to fail.
If you decide you want better for your kids and divorce the man, your kids will have a peaceful home and the traumatised kids can have their father's focus. Win/win.

You're currently being exploited by a man who can't be arsed with the drudgery of fully parenting all the kids he created. You can choose to stop this.

MiniPumpkin · 09/02/2025 21:54

Sorry but why is he assuming you will do all school runs ?
if on leave he should be putting that first.
he should be making more of an effort with ss involvement tbh

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2025 21:53

He would and does give every penny he has, money doesn't matter to him I'm just more of a saver and he's the opposite

So is he spending before the money goes into the pot, after or debt? What I mean is, if he puts all he has in, then spends a lot on himself, he's not putting all his money in.

And if he has 4 children to support, close to full time doesn't cut it. He needs to be working overtime to meet their needs. Especially if he expects you to do more grunt work.

And how do you address it? You tell him his choice is to support 4 children in the home he has now, or two children full time and 2 children 50:50 with no help in a flat of his choosing. Calmly and assertively. And mean it.

Original poster
yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 21:39

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2025 21:36

You have 4 children. 2 are yours, 4 are his. Which means 1/4 of the work and money should be put in by you. 3/4 by him. It sounds like more than half the money and about 3/4 of the work are put in by you.

There is a fine line between a nice person, and a doormat. And I think you've tipped over massively.

He would and does give every penny he has, money doesn't matter to him I'm just more of a saver and he's the opposite but he would never question what I spent or anything like that but the effort is 90% me and I agree I think I've tipped over into being a mug but how do I refuse to make sure his DC have clean uniform but do my own? How can I shop for my own and not his? This is where I can't find the balance. I would never let me DC go without

OP posts:
Original poster
yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 21:37

Uberella · 09/02/2025 21:31

Your poor step kids have 2 shit parents who aren't caring for them properly.

Thank you for being a beautiful human being and caring for them.

Your husband should be spending every spare minute he has pulling his weight domestically but he's a selfish arsehole who's massively taking the piss.I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation.

They are good kids, they have their issues but it's not surprising with what they have been through. They have been exposed to so much throughout their lives and mum that choose addiction over them and now he needs to step up. I don't want them to suffer anymore then they have but I don't know I make him see reality and protect all the DC at the same time.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2025 21:36

You have 4 children. 2 are yours, 4 are his. Which means 1/4 of the work and money should be put in by you. 3/4 by him. It sounds like more than half the money and about 3/4 of the work are put in by you.

There is a fine line between a nice person, and a doormat. And I think you've tipped over massively.

Uberella · 09/02/2025 21:31

Your poor step kids have 2 shit parents who aren't caring for them properly.

Thank you for being a beautiful human being and caring for them.

Your husband should be spending every spare minute he has pulling his weight domestically but he's a selfish arsehole who's massively taking the piss.I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation.

Original poster
yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 21:30

Laszlomydarling · 09/02/2025 21:19

Also, what 'punishments'are you talking about? That sounds worrying

He has never and would never be physical, I mean more harsh if they mess around and are asked to stop but don't then it will be a right no netball this week or no screens tonight, that's kind of thing. I don't like stopping activities because they benefit from them, they enjoy it, keep them active and we have to pay regardless but he sees it more as well they were told to stop they didn't so they don't get to do something fun that they want

OP posts:
CorEckIsLike · 09/02/2025 21:29

gamerchick · 09/02/2025 20:54

If you want to stay, tell him you're thinking of leaving him and his first lot of offspring to it and he can be a part time dad to yours.

His reaction will tell you next steps.

Tell him the school runs are his problem tomorrow and for the foreseeable.

👏🏼👏🏼 this he is a lazy dick and needs a rocket up his arse or leave him

pictoosh · 09/02/2025 21:24

I have nothing useful to say except that it sounds like a shit deal for you.
He's not going to buck up or pitch in any time soon. He might play along for a week or two if you lose your shit or threaten to leave...but he'll soon go back to slipping out the door and leaving you to it with all FOUR kids.

I've got to tell you OP, there's not a man on this planet I'd blend families for. I don't want any more kids and certainly not someone else's. Mine are sufficient.
If I were you I'd be off.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/02/2025 21:23

yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 20:57

If I said this he would expect the DC to stay with me in the home due to SS involvement they need stability and he wouldn't have anywhere to take them so it would be very much like I'm the solo parent and he comes and visits and has contact ect

All money is joint money now and he doesn't care what I spend I just miss having my own

Show quote history

Exactly, HE would expect it, and you'd tell him no, that's not what's going to happen. If you keep being a wet blanket about it, nothing will change.

InBedBy10 · 09/02/2025 21:21

Sounds like my ex. He would do anything for anyone often at the expense of me and his kids. He just loved getting praise off others and cared alot about what people thought about him. Shame he didn't care what we thought about him. If I ever complained, I'd be painted as the villain. How dare I begrudge his mother/sister/brother/work mate/ random acquaintance help. What a bitch!

Had many conversations with him about pulling his weight at home. Got me nowhere. Good luck OP.

Laszlomydarling · 09/02/2025 21:19

Also, what 'punishments'are you talking about? That sounds worrying

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 21:19

Oh op you poor thing. He is horrible. You sound lovely. They always see the loveliest ones coming. You need to divorce him and the sooner the better. He will drag you and all your kids down with his selfishness and laziness and it will get harder and harder to get out. He won't step up till he has to.

Laszlomydarling · 09/02/2025 21:19

It's very difficult when there are step children involved who you clearly love. Have you had a conversation with him about expectations, and explained how unhappy you are with his involvement?

Original poster
yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 21:15

JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 21:13

Do you normally do all the school runs? It's odd if he usually does half that he then did not this week while off work

School runs usually are done by whoever isn't working or depending on what our shift patterns are, so somethings he could do more or sometimes I might all depending on who's at work and who's at home

OP posts:
Original poster
yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 21:14

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 09/02/2025 21:11

But you aren't their parent.. Does he let you parent other ways like telling off?

Yes he wouldn't be phased if I told any of them off and I have done but none of them are bad kids, they rarely need properly telling off but he's always said I'm to soft so I don't think he would ever worry about me properly telling them off and even if I did I think he would more think wow something major must of happened because it's just not how I parent

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 09/02/2025 21:13

Do you normally do all the school runs? It's odd if he usually does half that he then did not this week while off work

Original poster
yourtakingtheP · 09/02/2025 21:12

DC ages range from 14-5.
He works just under full time hours, I work almost full time but have had to reduce my
Hours for the next 4 months because there's to many appointments, meetings ect and I couldn't spin all the plates. DH does deal with all SS meets/appointments but our youngest has health issues and has regular appointments and flare ups at the minute which takes up a lot of my attention

OP posts: