when people say 'don't let them get to you'... to ask just how exactly?

You don’t have to retaliate verbally you just have to maintain your own boundaries:
“that’s “weird”? Ok what’s your bright idea?”
”ok so is that going to be your contribution just slagging me off? Cool.”
”I’m just trying to make this nice for mum and dad but if you’re going to be shitty I’ll just go. [hang up]”
”no Chris, this isn’t me telling you so you can critique it. This is me telling you so you can iron a shirt and turn up on time.”
“[Flat voice] What’s your point Chris?”

It’s totally 100% normal to be upset, but to keep allowing people to hurt you by giving their opinions and tone any kind of weight is not healthy.

Live your life. Make your own life choices. If they’re with you, great. If they're not, forgive them once. But then limit and manage your communication with them. Don’t open your heart to people who are going to trample on it.

For example, for some women they are used to their friend being thefatter friend. They don't care that their friend has a bigger house or a better job or anything like that. It's the weight that bothers them. When their friend starts to lose weight and particularly when they approach the same weight as each other, then some women start to really panic and get absolutely foul.

You fake it until you make it.

You don't let them know they are getting to you. Then you work on realising you don't deserve their crap in the first place.

Imo tell him you have accepted his and his partner's invitation decline to attend whatever family event you are planning, why would he want to come when he thinks it will be a rubbish party.

Send the family his apologies immediately.

I said it because he didn't always used to be like that and I wondered whether that was because he was more successful at that point and that was the way he liked it. That could be in terms of romantic relationships, friendship groups, career, money, housing situation. Some of those things might not bother some people and other things really would be their tipping point. So if you tipped the balance, even unwittingly, that could cause rage, frustration, jealousy and paranoia on his part. it might be interesting to look back at what was going on in your life at the point when he changed. This doesn't mean any of it is forgivable but it might be interesting to understand exactly what's going on in his head. I'm sure he isn't acknowledging it to himself anyway though.

I don't think you should stand up to him, I think you should avoid him completely. Any discussions about that event for your parents should be done in a group forum and you shouldn't communicate with him outside of that. That at least means that other people witness what he is saying.

I'm wondering whether you have become more successful than him and that's why he's trying to punish you.

For me, the switch happens when, instead of letting them sit rent free in my brain and upset me, I tell myself to feel sorry for them having to go through life as a horrible person/doing/saying nasty things. Then, next time it happens, just think in your head 'I feel sorry for you' and either respond with just a 'mmm' to what they say or don't respond at all and change the subject.

And for the record, both my brothers are exactly like you've described. I do the above and have stopped trying to engage with them too much.

Oh and just to add, he can only make you feel this way if you allow him too.

If he says things like 'that's weird' don't acknowledge it and just start speaking about something else and make excuses shortly after to end the conversation.

When he says things like this, let a little ping go off in your brain and have a inward smile at the control he's now lost. Try it once, becomes easier!

I think there is a lot in this. The emotional abuse I got from my family was pretty low level for a long time, but after years of experiencing it I reached a point where I'd get anxious before and during every interaction. And their words became my internal self-critic too. There is something about family that just cuts you deeper, even when you know it shouldn't.

I dealt with it by: recognising how I was feeling, and not blaming myself for it- you can't help how you feel, and your feelings are justified. I tried talking to them about it, but predictably they denied it all and nothing changed. I then massively distanced myself- less interaction has meant (after several years) their words impact me less. And spending time with people who make me feel good and seeing their reactions when I occasionally share things my family have said and done has helped me realise that it really was them and not me. Counselling to understand it all and address my self-esteem has helped too.

Good luck, I really feel for you. But remember, you don't deserve to be spoken to like that, and a decent, kinder person wouldn't speak to you like that either xx

You need Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Christ, everything you said in your first few messages came out of me during my 12 sessions.

With it you can hopefully learn what I did.
The power of fuck you, fuck him, fuck her and fuck them. It is a wonderful thing to learn. Of course, I'm kind of paraphrasing but that's basically it.

It's not you. It's him. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for him, so why bother? Fuck him. Nothing which goes on in his head, wants, needs nor anything he does is your responsibility. It's not under your control. As it is not under your control, any guilt for outcomes does not belong to you. HE is responsible. If he is unhappy about something you've done then it is HIS job to do it different. FUCK HIM.

The truth is he can't be arsed to arrange things himself but he wants to moan. Lazy bastard back seat driver that he is being.

He can do it how he wants it or he can fuck off.

I was you for over 40 years before I got therapy. Wish I'd done it sooner.

The single phrase that helped me was
'A person's's behaviour says everything about them and nothing about you".

Basically, if someone is being an arsehole to you, it's because they are an arsehole, don't take as a reflection of how they see you, but as a reflection of who they are.

This enables me to not take their nastiness personally and doubt myself. That does not mean that I don't examine my own behaviour, but I evaluate it in comparison to the standards I hold myself to, rather than what I think someone elses expectations of me are.

The issues are his, not yours.

I don’t have any deep and meaningful advice, I’d probably just try to get through the arrangements you need to make with as little contact as possible/ contact in a group setting (think a group WhatsApp or email rather than phone) and then see/ speak to him as little as possible.

Practise a series of passive aggressive responses which he can’t object to like “That’s an unusual way to look at it” or “Thanks for your contribution.” Or if you have to speak just sigh and move on. Don’t question his goady comments. Thumbs up or laugh at nonsense on messages. Once it’s over just keep away from him and see other family separately.

It’s fine for you to grieve the relationship you had but if it’s been a while you need to protect yourself and your own mental health by keeping him at arms length.

It's ok not to have anything to do with him. You don't exist to be his punching bag.

OP, I really feel for you. I went through something similar with my brother, he was very undermining, mean and narcissistic - everything he thought was right and superior. He too had a girlfriend who loved stirring up drama and would fill his head with storylines and theories about our family. He once called me out on something that wasn’t my fault and he was really piling on the pressure so I would admit to it. I stuck to my guns and he cut contact for 2 years. After that time, he apologised and owned up to his mistake. I’ve never had that anxious feeling around him since because I know how to stand up to him now, he also knows I won’t be bullied into anything, I’d rather go NC.

Everyone has their limits, OP. Theres
no reason in the world that should allow anyone to speak to you this way - especially your own brother. I don’t understand the ‘don’t let it get to you’ either. It’s such a strange thing to say. Feeling impacted because someone is being hurtful towards you is a healthy reaction, it’s alerting you that somethings wrong and you shouldn’t have to ignore that.

Good luck, it’s a hard cycle to break.

See him as little as possible

And look up grey rock to manage him when you are with him

I understand you love him, but he doesn’t love you - or not enough not to take out whatever his issues are on you - so it is an abusive relationship which you have to cut yourself off from it to protect yourself.

See a therapist to help you if you think you need to.

If you keep him at an emotional distance because you understand he is emotionally dangerous to you, you will feel better, and eventually quite a lot better because his hold on you will fade as other things and people come into your life.

What I meant by that was it doesn't matter why he is like that, that is for him to deal with. I was ineloquent in trying to explain why it's his problem he wants to make you feel bad.

You can only control what you do and how you deal with it.

Sometimes I think lowering expectations may help. With my stbxh, having accepted that he now tries to upset and hurt me and lies, then whenever these things happen it's less of a hurt and a shock, and more of an ah yes everything is operating as it naturally does and stbxh is being a knob to me as he does.

When someone is nasty to you, they are really talking about themselves.

You are no different now than you were before he chose to say this guff. This is a him problem not a you problem. He feels shitty over something so he intends to make you feel shitty so he passes the buck.

It's nothing to do with you or who you are, it's all about him feeling shitty and wanting it to stop so he deflects it

Sometimes it's hard to hold onto your sense of self in family situations but you have to for the sake of your own sanity.

We always listen to negative words more than positive! I totally get it as I can be the same . However, consider if you would ask his advice on something important?
Would you value his opinion on anything? If you wouldn’t then do not listen to his nastiness either. His words are of no worth.

I think you need to change your communication with him and make it absolutely controlled by you. If you have to ask him something send him a text : Hi Mark, is 12th of March ok with you? Please confirm by next Wednesday. Utterly.

Don’t ever face time him. If he calls you make notes what he says - it will distract you a bit. Then tell him: I need to go now, sorry. Will text you later.
Switch the phone off and then tell to yourself: F** off you twat, believe me it helps.

And try to keep away from him as much as possible at the event.
Just because he is your brother it doesn’t mean that he is a nice person - there are mistakes at every family.

I know, right! It's right up there with 'people can only make you feel inferior with your consent.' (Eleanor Roosevelt.) That really pisses me off. How people make out you're a weak and pathetic loser if you are upset by something someone said. People can't help how they are, and the fact that they feel upset easily by if someone says something nasty or rude.

Sometimes it's a lot harder to not let things get to that people say, and a lot harder to ignore all their hate or bullying or goading. Especially if you see their faces fairly regularly, or you've got someone in your life who sees them. (Like if you've got no contact with somebody - but you're in touch with someone who's in touch with them.)