Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

Sorry but she's taking the piss. She made her choice when you were a child that you weren't part of her family she doesn't get to suddenly decide that she's part of your life or is "nanny" to your dc now.
You're a better person than me as I'd have told her what I thought of her and blocked her when she started trying to play happy families with me

Ugh. I wouldnt invite either of them.
Not letting you meet your new siblings! Wtf? Presumably that meant not ever visiting your dad at home. I’d have blocked her already. She sounds vile. No wonder her own kids have issues with her. And I’d be disgusted that your dad let her do that. I wouldn’t want someone like that at my wedding. Imagine the show she’ll put on. And she didn’t invite you! God she sounds horrific. There is no need to invite her at all.

Your update leaves me thinking you should invite her to keep the peace. It sounds like she is severely socially awkward and that this has profoundly damaged her life and the lives of those around her, but she’s trying to make amends. You don’t have to be best buddies with her and you will find you barely have time to talk to lots of people at a wedding, so whether she’s there or not won’t impact you. Unless a wedding is very small or there is a real risk of a guest making a scene, this is generally the best approach.

I’m always reminded of an old friend of mine who insisted on inviting her uncle, who was the black sheep of the family. Her mother warned her off. She insisted that it was the right thing to do. He came, was politeness itself and the day heeled his relationship with the wider family. It was really beautiful.

Your SM sounds like a loon.
I have no relationship with my Dad's wife and for similar reasons to yours, little relationship with him now either.
I did invite them both to my reception (neither were invited to the wedding itself). Dad turned up alone and whinged a lot about not being invited to the wedding.
I can't imagine much worse than my SM trying to be friends with me! From what you have said I think there's a significant likelihood she will come if invited and assume this means you're all now 'friends'.
Frankly which is the least worst outcome for you here?

I wouldn't start with new beginning at a big wedding but small.

I understand your reasoning.

Be better and more intelligent than her, invite your father and your step mum. You will put her in a very difficult position, when she will then show her true self. If you don't invite her you will just give her good reason to ask your father not to attend.

I would invite my dad only even though it means he may not come.

I think you need to decided which option you prefer:

• no dad (sounds like he won't come unless you invite both)

• dad and his wife...

Reading between the lines, the 2nd option sounds overall the much better one.

Absolutely not.
I'd not bother inviting your father either.
What a poor father he has been.

I wouldn't be entertaining her new found interest in being involved, not for a minute.
Too little, too late, and by the sounds of it, massively presumptuous.

Enjoy your day, husband and future.

Your dad’s wife is trying to make up with you - it doesn’t excuse her past behaviour, but it does mean that you should invite her to your wedding. This is the chance for new beginnings.

I wouldn't invite a stranger to my wedding.

Ahhh yes I had a DF who liked “to keep the peace” it ended up with me being excluded from my family and years of self loathing, blaming myself. NUP your dad made his choice all those years ago, he choose a nasty woman over his children, it’s his problem to deal with. I’d tell him he can deal with it and never bring it up with you again.

I'm sorry but i would not have either of them there, neither cared about your feelings.

I find it really hurtful that your dad didn’t invite you and your siblings to his wedding. He put his wife first which is pretty difficult to understand.

I understand why you don’t want to have her there and I wouldn’t blame you for not inviting her. It seems like if you did, then she probably wouldn’t go anyway.
Looks like your dad doesn’t want to deal with a fall out as she probably won’t want him to go but that’s not your issue. This woman has made it clear that she doesn’t want to be part of your life, it’s not your job to make sure your dad doesn’t have an argument.

I’d not want to invite her but can see that it might be pragmatic to do so. I suspect she won’t show up. But inviting her removes future ammunition.

A potential complication not mentioned. Is your Mum around? If so what does she think, where is she in all of this.

What are your brothers’ opinions? And more out of interest your two half sisters?

All the best with this. P

Would she go anyway even if you do invite her?

It's not clear why he expects you to broker peace between them at this stage.

Same and I didn’t. There was a no tolerance to any drama or political issues at my wedding.

has fallen out with her own two daughters multiple times and currently one of her daughters refuses to even be in the same room as her due to her own personal reasons.

I wouldn't invite her because I wouldn't trust her not to cause trouble. She'll compare your wedding to those of her daughters, or if they're not married she'll tell you how her daughters won't be having anything so tacky/her daughters would never do that.

Or she may well just be outright mean to you personally about weight or looks. Or spill red wine on your dress. The possibilities are endless.

You don't need that, or the worry of that. No invitation. Your dad takes it however he likes. But absorb what PPs have been saying - he allowed her to do that to you.

I wouldn’t invite her, no. That said, your dad’s first responsibility was to protect your wellbeing as a child, not appease his partner. I’m not sure based on what you’ve said and how little your dad has prioritised you throughout your life that I’d be clambering all over to invite him either. I think he’s created a really painful and untenable situation for his children. But no, I didn’t invite any of my relatives who I hadn’t seen for 20-30 years to my wedding.

Sounds like he's used her as an excuse not to be there most of your life and nothing has changed. Is he expecting you to say no, leaving him with a good excuse not to show up for you now also.

@JSS94 why bother inviting a father that didn’t stand up for you and your siblings? Why is it all on her when he did nothing… anything for an easy life right? This is on him and it’s his fault you have no relationship with his wife and she’s ostracised herself from you all.

she doesn’t get an invite. If that’s a problem for him he doesn’t need to attend.

If you invite her will you have drama on the seating plan? Eg will she have to be on a top table with your df?

That would be a factor as I wouldn't invite her if it only pushed the drama and fuss to the next part of the wedding planning process.

Not every man (or woman) who wants to ‘keep the peace’ at the expense of others is being abused,

Do you mind if he decides not to come without her?

You've bought into the classic dynamic of blaming a woman for a man’s shitty decisions. He was responsible for all or nearly all of the things you blame her for. He made many choices that have hurt you and you’re happy to have him there. Your choice but it’s not reasonable.