Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

I would invite her so not to continue the drama myself (unless she has a history of drunk volatility in which case leave her off the invite list). Personally that is the option I would find easiest to live with.

Absolutely no chance would I invite her after the way she treated you as children, not allowing you in their family home due to apparent "preferential treatment" over her daughters who weren't your fathers anyway and not allowing you to meet your actual two half siblings till they were teens.

If my dad didn't come, so be it. I'd risk that to not have someone there on such a special day who had been so hostile towards me over the years. I wouldn't want anything making me feel uncomfortable on the lead up to and on my wedding day.

Please don’t invite her so that you can keep your own peace.

I think you get back what you put in with regards to relationships.
Your father & his wife don't deserve any consideration, especially not on your wedding day!
Do you have a relationship with your siblings (from their marriage)? And have they been invited?
How does your brother feel about your father & his wife?
I would also consider their feelings when making my decision.
It is your wedding, invite the people who you love and who want to see you happy 😊
Congratulations 🎊

From all you have described, I wouldn't consider inviting her
Enjoy your day 🎈

It’s your wedding, have it your way. If dad chooses not to come, well that’s his choice.
I had far too many people at my wedding who were there because I ‘had’ to invite them.

To be fair i wouldnt invite your father either…

@Peaceandquietandacuppa Has got it right. Now might be the time to have a fairly good boundary even if it means letting go of your Dad. He let go of you decades ago.

Thats his problem not ops. Seriously did you read anything the op said. He's been enabling his wife's poor behaviour for many years. She's doesn't owe her dad any consideration

This, absolutely agree she's likely to be doing it because she's thinking she'll get top table status as partner of father of the bride!

It's a tough one OP.

It sounds like she is trying, in her own way, to reconcile, however, she's been a bitch to a lot of people, including her own DC, for decades.

First of all, family reunions at weddings are a bad idea. Could you meet before then and decide if you want to invite her?

Also if you are having a big wedding, it would be very easy not to actually meaningfully interact with them all day. If it's a small wedding, every person who is attending has more of an impact.

Ugh what a piss poor dad and horrible woman. I'm so sorry that's the hand you were dealt OP.

I hope you have a lovely wedding and marriage.

Regarding wedding invitations I'd invite only who I actually wanted there on the day with me and feel no obligation whatsoever to these two.

If you’ve not seen or spoken to her for over twenty years I thinks it’s nonsensical that she should be invited to your wedding. She has made her resentment of you very obvious to the point she didn’t even invite you and your siblings to her wedding to your dad. Your dad should have put his foot down then and he clearly didn’t so don’t invite her, and leave him to deal with it. If he doesn’t come himself then that’s a clear sign that you made the right choice as he will once again be showing himself willing to sacrifice your happiness for hers.

And for good measure,

Dear Dad.

No, X isn’t invited to the wedding, just as I wasn’t invited to yours. I find the suggestion ridiculous, with the way she has treated me, and the fact that you have never stuck up for me to “keep the peace”. What about my peace? I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my own siblings and X didn’t acknowledge I existed. I was a CHILD when this started. Either you come alone or not at all. And please talk to her about her recent messages to me. I can’t just pretend she didn’t behave so appallingly all these years and suddenly be friendly. She either has to properly explain and apologise or she will be blocked. Sorry if this is hard to hear, but your behaviour and just ignoring all these issues has contributed to this as well.

I'm sorry what a hard position to be put in! Difficult for you but as others have said this is your day, I feel for your Dad too but wow what a horrid person your step mother sounds. I know it's not the point of this thread but to not allow a relation between you and your half siblings. The woman surely has to admit she understands why you'd not want her there on your special day.

So now this woman has decided to be nice OP is obligated to go along with it after being ignored for 20 years?

Familial titles don't entitle someone to simply pick you and drop you when they feel like it. Particularly when they were the adult throughout the entire thing.

The new 'try hard' aspect makes her all the less appealing. If I'd had to spend my childhood digesting this woman's dislike for me and my fathers lack of support, there's no way I'm posing in pictures with them that are meant to be my happy memories for the future.

OP tell him to take her out with his money and have a lovely time.

I’d text her.

Dear X,

I am quite confused by your recent contact bearing in mind you a) refused to let me have contact with my siblings and b) didn’t invite me to your wedding and c) wouldn’t allow me to my father’s home. As you can imagine this was all quite traumatic so no, it’s not as easy to just sweep it all under the carpet. If you properly explain why you did what you did and apologise, then maybe we can move forward. I’m sorry, but I can’t just forget about it and act like it didn’t happen.

I'd invite both of them, or neither. Are you inviting your half siblings?

I'd invite both of them, or neither. Are you inviting your half siblings?

How come DSM gets all the blame for your fathers failure?

I wouldn’t invite him.

An invitation, with the expectation she won't attend anyway, is just giving the woman the opportunity to reject OP again.

I'd take the initiative and exclude her from the start. That could have the added bonus of resulting in no more cards from 'nanny'.

A cynic might suggest that her sudden interest in the OP is closely linked to her falling out with her daughter. If she doesn't speak to one of her own daughters AND her two step-children, she starts to look very much like the common denominator.

Trying to buddy up to the step-daughter after over two decades of acting as though she doesn't exist smacks of an attempt to prove that her daughter's estrangement can't possibly be anything to do with her.

Agree with other posters that your father has also been a very poor excuse for a dad. I would not be inviting the batshit step-mother, both for historic reasons and because she sounds as though she thrives on drama that I would not want at my wedding. What you do re an invitation to your father is up to you but it doesn't sound like it will be a great loss if he decides not to come (though his absence would probably put the nail in the coffin of any ongoing relationship if I were you).

Have a wonderful wedding!

Exactly what I was thinking! What kind of father is he?!

I wouldn’t invite either of them

@JSS94 Does your Dad know he's not walking you down the aisle or giving a speech?

I'd make sure he knows now that he's just a guest (and she's not invited).
Chances are she won't want to come if he's not doing the whole "father of the bride" performance.