Not inviting my Dads wife to my wedding?

Personally, in your situation I wouldn't invite either of them. DF has not been supportive of you and your siblings growing up. He is not entitled to be at your wedding simply because he is you biological father.
Find another, kind, gentle, genuine supportive person to give you away.
Have a wonderful wedding too

If you don't invite her then he isn't going to come. He lives with her and can't face the arguments that it would cause. I'd invite her so your dad can come.

Either your dad has finally insisted: unlikely.
Or she’s fallen out with her own kids and is scraping the barrel to have family- using you: more likely.

Id be blanking her personally.

yanbu, your SM is clearly either extremely unkind or mentally ill and your dad is a mug and a shit dad to have allowed that all to happen or being abused.

Id never invite her. It’s up to your dad if he comes (sounds like he won’t).

Not unreasonable at all.

She is clearly entering her FO stage of the FA&FO process.

She isn't in touch with her own biological kids. She didn't want you or your brother around. She doesn't manage to keep any sort of friendship/relationship going.

I'm with you here @JSS94 - your dad comes or not but she definitely doesn't deserve an invitation. Also your dad needs to be reminded that this is your day he's talking about and there is zero guarantee that she wouldn't try to pull a stunt of some sort on the day so no, she doesn't get to come to your wedding. Too much water has gone under that bridge to start wanting to play happy families with her.

It’s your wedding. If you don’t want her there, don’t invite her.

If you don’t really mind and have a spare place, then invite her, but certainly take up your dad’s offer to pay for her.

It sounds like neither she nor your dad have played much of a role in your life. They didn’t want you at their wedding. They didn’t welcome you into their new family as a child, so you couldn’t meet your half-siblings. So, why would she expect to come? Sounds like your dad’s lucky to have an invite.

Invite people who’ve always been there for you and/or who you’ll enjoy having at the wedding to celebrate with.

And if you don’t want her being known to your kids as ‘nanny’, make that clear too. It’s extremely presumptuous for even a loving ‘stepmother’ to do that without asking. But especially one who cut you out of her life as a child and denied you the chance to spend time with your half-siblings.

I wouldn’t have either of them. Utterly incomprehensible to me that a man should treat his child the way your father did. To hell with his “peace”.

Don’t do it. I invited my so called biological father’s wife to my wedding She ruined it. She has also ruined my big birthday dinner that my father insisted they came uninvited to . Just don’t if you want to enjoy your day.

With your update, inviting her and hoping she wouldn't come doesn't work (it wasn't a safe bet from the beginning, but now it is clearly out of question).

It sounds there is a risk she would try to use the opportunity to show/work on how much she IS the family. And she wouldn't interpret the lack of invitation in context of all your history, she would see it through her current interest.

How much would it matter to you if your father won't come?

Don't invite either of them. Cut them out of your life completely. You will never win with her and sounds like your father is in an abusive relationship

Tell both of them to eff all the way off.

Not sure why you're even inviting your father: he's a pathetic non-parent who kept your siblings from you, too.
His "keeping the peace" only extends to keeping her happy, not you.

I would respond to my dad to keep his money and go and buy a backbone.

did not allow me and my brothers to meet our two half siblings she and my dad went on to have until their teenage years.
Why blame her? He didn't introduce you to your half-siblings. Left it to her to do when they were teens? What a waste of space.

He has excluded himself from the wedding by his own pathetic behaviour imo.

Don't even consider inviting either of them.

I think this is one where you can reasonably be completely selfish. You don't owe either of them anything. If it is important to you to have your Dad there, and he won't come without her, and you are sure she won't make a scene, invite her. If not, then don't invite her, and don't give it another thought.

Simple...don't invite either of them 🤷🏼‍♀️ nobody needs this fuckwittery in their lives. The wedding is a new beginning, have a fab stress free day and move on.

Your dad won't come if she doesn't. It's that simple.

You have a weak dad who didn't stand up for you. I'd be far more angry about that because it sounds like he took the Happy Wife Happy Life vow over being a dad.

So I think I'd either dig in and say no, she can't come or, if you're trying to ignore your dad's failings, just have them both there and gloss over it

Given what you’ve said about how your dad prioritised his relationship with a woman who victimized his young children, I probably wouldn’t be that bothered about having him there. I’d be inclined to text him something like - Dad, you didn’t even invite me to your wedding, why you think you get to demand a plus one to mine is beyond me.

Mainly though, I’d say don’t invest too much emotional energy in her. Don’t think about her, don’t fret about whether you should have her at your wedding or not. Don’t spend time thinking about how to manage her. Think about the people you care about and act in ways that help you with those relationships.

Do you want your dad at your wedding? If you do, then invite her. Don’t think about her being there, think about your dad being there. Treat her civilly but distantly. Don’t give her head space. If you aren’t that bothered about your dad, then don’t invite her and don’t fret about your dad’s reaction to that.

That should go to both of them. The father is as much at fault, even more so - as he should have stood up to her to support his child. He shouldn't be invited either.

I wouldn't invite her. But my Dad had a relationship with a similar type that imploded all on its own because of her, well, just being an awful person, and after that happens it's easier to justify why you felt as you did. You're obviously not at that point yet as they are still married. But stick to your guns and do what feels right for you because in the fullness of time, people who do that usually find themselves justified. Enjoy your day and don't give her the headspace.

No I wouldn’t invite her but as I’m going through the menopause I don’t give a damn about hurting the feelings of people who don’t care about me.
I’d also make it clear to your dad that if he doesn’t like it then he can stay away. I’d remind him that you were not invited to his wedding.
Sod her would be my thoughts.
There will be some ulterior motive as to why she has trying to worm her way back into your life. Probably that her own dcs don’t want her anywhere near their children, or further children and she is well aware of that.

I was going to write how can she possibly expect an invite, is she demanding one just so she can have the pleasure of declining it, then I saw your update; it sounds like she has had a change of heart, maybe the stuff with her own daughters has made her transfer her attention to you, here "spare family" maybe?

It is completely up to you where you go from here. You could try to have a relationship based on her new overtures, the first step would be an invite which I think she would accept. But maybe it is too little too late or you think she is doing it for her own ends/gratification, in which case it sounds like you might as well blow them both off.

If it were me I wouldn’t be inviting either of them tbh.

How does it put him if a difficult position? Also why the hell would she want to go?

I'd be angry at your DF too. He never invited you to his wedding to 'keep the peace.' He also withheld your siblings for years denying you a relationship.
Your SM might be deeply unpleasant but your DF enabled her.

YANBU but I think I probably would invite her if he’s offered to pay. She won’t come, if she does who cares.