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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weaponised Incompetence

67 replies

LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:00

Things have not been great between DH and myself for some time but I think the straw that broke the camels back was a load of laundry. We both work full time and, in my view, household chores are not split evenly. I do all the laundry, always have done. Wash, dry, fold and put away. If there's a load of laundry on the washing line and it starts to rain, NOBODY would think to bring it in.

On Friday, DH put a load of laundry on - a never event in itself - then I realised he'd put a load of laundry of his own stuff, not a single item of mine. When I brought it up with him, he doubled down (I fucking hate that) and we're barely speaking.

I've been out all day because I just can't face being at home with him. I've come home to find the load of laundry I left in the washing machine in the tumble drier. It was woollens! The man is almost 50 and so fucking thoughtless that he puts wool in the tumble drier. It's not like he's never seen my woollens drying on hangers or that they don't have a care label inside.

The fucking hours I've spent paring his socks and he puts a solitary wash load of his own shit on. He picked through my dirty laundry to get to it and just left it there!

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 09/02/2025 20:19

LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:08

No it was MY woollens!

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Oh, apologies I misread!

Well, he replaces each and every item then and not from house money!

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:18

LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 20:12

He wasn’t always like this. He used to be so kind. As he gets older he gets grumpier and, frankly, more selfish. We have 3 children with special needs so I didn’t work for years so, naturally I took on the lions share then. But now I also work full time.

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It sounds like a hard life. Wake him up to your reality, whatever it takes. Before you give up, at least.

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 20:17

I don't mind the cold, just saying Wink

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 20:15

@failingrocks if you happen to know of any nice single Scandinavian men, I think they could be easily matched up with some nice put upon British women Grin

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 09/02/2025 20:12

Time to go on strike.

NewHeaven · 09/02/2025 20:12

Do nothing for him again, no cooking, washing, cleaning or sex until he changes his selfish ways.

Original poster
LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 20:12

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:06

@WisePearlPoet Do you work too? How did you end up like this? Such a low bar, I do not get it..

He wasn’t always like this. He used to be so kind. As he gets older he gets grumpier and, frankly, more selfish. We have 3 children with special needs so I didn’t work for years so, naturally I took on the lions share then. But now I also work full time.

OP posts:
WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 20:10

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:06

@WisePearlPoet Do you work too? How did you end up like this? Such a low bar, I do not get it..

How did I end up like what?. We are both retired and apart from his domestic failings we are very happy and my bar is much higher than you seem to think. Not that I need to justify it

bigboykitty · 09/02/2025 20:08

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/02/2025 19:01

Never, ever, put his laundry in again til he gets the message and apologises

This, but only the first 7 words

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:08

Weddingbells6 · 09/02/2025 20:06

Where are you? Because I would go as far as saying 98% of men I have known / loved / lived with are useless and selfish including my own father who has since passed.

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Scandinavia. There is no way anyone I know would have such a low bar. No way. My dad is 80 and he wouldn’t know what you were talking about.

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 20:06

He never ever asks what would make my life easier. It’s always about what I can do for him.

Mine sometimes does the whole 'is there anything you need doing whilst you are at work and I am sitting here doing sweet FA' spiel , and in its own way is as annoying as not doing anything at all, because it puts the onus back on me, as though I am the only person who can think about or see what needs doing !
And then it needs to be something easy that won't cause him to feel overburdened !

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:06

@WisePearlPoet Do you work too? How did you end up like this? Such a low bar, I do not get it..

Weddingbells6 · 09/02/2025 20:06

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:03

95%

I’m so glad I’m not in the UK, because I don’t know anyone like this.

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Where are you? Because I would go as far as saying 98% of men I have known / loved / lived with are useless and selfish including my own father who has since passed.

failingrocks · 09/02/2025 20:03

WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 19:53

I've come to the conclusion that 95% of men are just shit. On the rare occasion DH ventures near the washing machine he throws black things in with white, the rationale being that black is apparently colourfast. The resulting dirty grey that emerges would suggest otherwise. He breaks something every single day but writes it off as an accident. It isn't, he's just a blundering fool. Hasn't cleaned a bathroom in years and wanders right through the house in muddy boots. It makes me murderous that men are still like this and do not see an issue..

95%

I’m so glad I’m not in the UK, because I don’t know anyone like this.

Original poster
LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:58

Lmnop22 · 09/02/2025 19:35

This is not even about laundry, this is about the fact that he did not even think of what you might need or what might make your life easier. He only thought about himself and what he needed and gave you and your DC not a second thought. That’s the reason that this is fatal, because when it comes down to it, you ensure everyone is taken care of and he makes sure HE is taken care of 🙄

This is exactly the issue. All he ever does is put problems at my door. He never ever asks what would make my life easier. It’s always about what I can do for him.

OP posts:
Lozzq · 09/02/2025 19:55

How infuriating! His behaviour is also a little bit gaslighting making it out you are being unreasonable. I would die on this hill. My husband once fucked up my favourite cashmere jumper… he needs to buy you new woollens. As for the washing up his own things, that is the height of selfishness. Go on strike. See how he likes it.

WisePearlPoet · 09/02/2025 19:53

I've come to the conclusion that 95% of men are just shit. On the rare occasion DH ventures near the washing machine he throws black things in with white, the rationale being that black is apparently colourfast. The resulting dirty grey that emerges would suggest otherwise. He breaks something every single day but writes it off as an accident. It isn't, he's just a blundering fool. Hasn't cleaned a bathroom in years and wanders right through the house in muddy boots. It makes me murderous that men are still like this and do not see an issue..

AlertCat · 09/02/2025 19:51

Lmnop22 · 09/02/2025 19:35

This is not even about laundry, this is about the fact that he did not even think of what you might need or what might make your life easier. He only thought about himself and what he needed and gave you and your DC not a second thought. That’s the reason that this is fatal, because when it comes down to it, you ensure everyone is taken care of and he makes sure HE is taken care of 🙄

This!

@LoveSandbanks I am sorry. You are definitely NBU to have reached the end of the road here. Can you go away for a few days and stay somewhere else to just get a break, then decide what you’re going to do more long term?

Reminds me of this: https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

And this: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink – Matthew Fray

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 19:49

How would it work with rubbish and recycling ? separate bins for each adult ? Designated toilets/bathrooms ? their own stash of toilet rolls/coffee/tea/milk ? Maybe labeling items in the fridge ?

MagnoliaGirlie · 09/02/2025 19:48

LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:37

He will, he will tell everyone that I threw away our marriage because he washed his own clothes. But I don't give a shit. Anyone that believes that has got no business being around me.

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You know what, I bet you that the people who will believe you left because he washed his stuff once will be all blokes, and all the women will KNOW that it's been yeaaaaaars of him doing fuck all! Let that rage drive you out of this, you deserve better!

AgnesX · 09/02/2025 19:46

If he's got any woollens of his own I'd put them in a boil wash.

Well, maybe 😁

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 19:40

Maybe agree to both adult separately.

Genuine question, but how does that work when there are children involved ? one gets to 'just' adult themselves and the other gets to do all other adult tasks related to themselves and the children ?

Calyx72 · 09/02/2025 19:40

My husband does wash his own work overalls without my stuff - only because they have tiny bits of metal in them, tiny little microscopic needle like bits,
Because he works in a metal shop.

He will do a wash of both our stuff, but he's not very good at taking out and hanging it up nicely- in fact everything gets really creased so I prefer to hang it up myself.

I do agree your husband was being selfish and I would have been incandescent with rage. If he had put my woolens in the tumble dryer. I agree that is weaponised incompetence.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 09/02/2025 19:37

Maybe agree to both adult separately.. He can do his own cooking and washing and you do yours..
And your own washing up also..

Original poster
LoveSandbanks · 09/02/2025 19:37

Dymaxion · 09/02/2025 19:33

What's worse is, he will tell everyone you ended your marriage because of this one incident !
I have been married over 20 years and can count on two fingers the number of times DH has used any of the washing machines we have had over that time. He has slowly but surely ensured that all household tasks are now mine, he literally does nothing.
I feel your rage Angry

He will, he will tell everyone that I threw away our marriage because he washed his own clothes. But I don't give a shit. Anyone that believes that has got no business being around me.

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