Weaponised Incompetence

Is your stuff ruined op?

I get it's the wider picture too as pp have said

This has nothing to do with laundry at all.
Yanbu.

It's not really about the laundry, it's about the disrespect and the disregarding of you as a partner. It's about the lack of appreciation. And unfortunately chances are he'll never 'get that'.

You say you have no ducks in a row. But you can get them in a row. Doesn't mean you have to actually leave. Just gives you mental leverage in your thought processes. It takes you from 'what would I do???' to 'I know what I would do!'

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

During lock down DH was on furlough, I was working 10-12 hour days as other employees were on furlough. I was also the only parent supervising 3 kids doing school work at home.

DH complained about how long it was taking me to do the laundry, get it ironed and back to him. Since then, he has done his own. He doesn’t get stains out. If he realises there is a stain, he will ask for help, but he still has to wash it.

What always gets my goat is when they are so proud that they are “helping”; with an “I put a wash on for you!”. And expect a sticker! So, if it’s just for me, then none of your stuff is in there, none of our children’s stuff is in there, just mine? Thought so.

Hope you're getting him to pay you £££ to spend on new woollens.

I have never done my husband's laundry.

Many people are surprised when I say this. But I witnessed my mum being a slave to the laundry basket and when my dad used to whine 'where are my socks 'it made me feel ill that a grown man would be so pathetic.

I vowed I would never be responsible for a man's underwear.

Don't iron either.

He’s now telling me that im being childish.

What he is actually doing is projecting, he knows his behaviour has been less than adult like, so he is turning this onto you in the hope you back down and revert to previous behaviour, which includes doing what he wants.

A while ago I realised that when DH puts a load on it's only ever his things. Since then I haven't washed a single one of his things and haven't put any of his stuff away either.

Fuck that OP.

I had similar for years. Doing his own laundry and leaving my stuff and the kids’. One day I got so fed up, I threw all his damp clothes off the airdrier into a pile and left them there. ‘Why are clothes on the floor in the landing?’ he whined. I told him why and didn’t do his laundry for nearly two months. Snickering when he ran out of pants and socks. Not my problem mate. I’m not your cleaner.

Over the last few months things got a busier for me. I went from 4 days to 5 days at work and lost that extra day to do house stuff. I found myself ironing school uniforms at ten at night, because who else is going to do it? So two weeks ago he wanted to watch some football match on telly on a weekday.I suggested he irons whilst watching because that’s how I watch telly right? I rarely just slob on the couch resting. He was surprised, but I took out the board and iron an set it all up for him. I patted his back ‘killing two birds with one stone’ and all that. I’m now calmly waiting for the next game he plans on watching.

Take turns feeding /bathing /bedtime with dc. Then you both get some down time. Lock yourself in the bathroom while he sees to bedtime or go for a walk. He needs to manage them alone.

Grrrr, he is making me want to pour cold custard in his shoes and I've never even met him!

My blood is boiling on your behalf OP

I find men inherently selfish, men compete even in small ways to benefit themselves and women are more likely to collaborate to get things done for the benefit of the whole household, men will invariably take advantage of that especially if they feel their needs aren't being met.

I would leave your husband also op, he sounds very selfish.

then he coughs up to replace them

He will, he will tell everyone that I threw away our marriage because he washed his own clothes. But I don't give a shit. Anyone that believes that has got no business being around me.

He will say that, but you know what @LoveSandbanks people will see right through it.

In the same way every person (especially women) that my ex tells me "She ditched me because I put the ketchup in the fridge" knows instantly that a one off thing does not end a relationship unless it is the thing that snaps the straw that has been bending due to many many many other moments

BUT if he never does laundry would he know about woollens in the dryer?
Maybe he genuinely didn't know, and was trying to be helpful after you were annoyed about him just washing his own stuff?

Or maybe he was being a Dick and did it on purpose ? we will probably never know because adults with bollocks are allowed to be hopeless at routine Adult tasks, until some nice female tells them how to do it, or does it for them, which lets be honest, is what they actually want to happen.

I also think that once you’ve been together with someone for years and years resentment builds and annoyance grows and it doesn’t take much for you to think they are an absolute arsehole.

The doing his own washing would really piss me off. Just so selfish. My DH’s favourite trick is to put the washing on and then go to work knowing I’m the only one home. Same with the dishwasher. Now I just ignore it. Stuff sits there until he sorts it. If he asks me why I didn’t do it, I just say I was too busy.

Downing tools is effective in my experience.

YANBU but you need to sit down and really drill it in that your marriage is genuinely at risk over this stuff. Draw up a rota if necessary. Go on strike for a while. It sounds like there is a lot of stress in your home already and he just isn't thinking about you. Maybe make a list of things you do and things he does for a visual aid. Like a selfish teenager he may genuinely not realise what is being done in the background all the time.

He takes out the bins and mows the lawn (for 3-4 months). Yeah, equality! What grown adult does not know the difference between dishwasher tablets or detergent!?

Yeah it's annoying

BUT if he never does laundry would he know about woollens in the dryer?
Maybe he genuinely didn't know, and was trying to be helpful after you were annoyed about him just washing his own stuff?

How are the rest of the household tasks split? Because tbh DH hardly ever does laundry, just occasional loads of his own stuff after he's been running. And sometimes he will do weird stuff like use washing machine cleaning tabs instead of detergent....

But other stuff is pretty evenly split, and he always does the bins and recycling and mows the lawn.
So I don't really mind about doing all the laundry.

If you tell him how you feel this is the end of your marriage, do you think it might be the wake up call he needs and maybe he will change his ways? Or would you even want to keep trying? Does he do anything housework related at all?

No, no need. If this is the way you want to live, and you think 95% of all men are like this then it’s your little bubble and I will not burst it. Your choice. I couldn’t imagine having a partner like yours, most people couldn’t. Good luck.

WisePearlPoet · Today 19:53

I've come to the conclusion that 95% of men are just shit. On the rare occasion DH ventures near the washing machine he throws black things in with white, the rationale being that black is apparently colourfast. The resulting dirty grey that emerges would suggest otherwise. He breaks something every single day but writes it off as an accident. It isn't, he's just a blundering fool. Hasn't cleaned a bathroom in years and wanders right through the house in muddy boots. It makes me murderous that men are still like this and do not see an issue..