Page 4 | Are relationships worth it??

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 2025-02-09T16:12:19+00:00

I’ve been married, single, in relationships with separate living and semi casual relationships. And my life always seems simpler and easier when single. I read threads on here and many of the problems seem to come from relationships too. Some of the areas I find too complicated in relationships. 1. up front and centre…finances. I find it much easier to manage finances single. No worrying about someone else running up debt, not contributing, or contributing but feeling resentful 1. losing freedom. Always compromising to accommodate someone else’s wishes. 1. emotional weight. Putting your own needs to the side to support someone else’s Are relationships worth the level of compromise that is required??

Treeinthesky · 09/02/2025 18:36

I.work with the public and the most successful appear to live separately from husbands. Recently a 76 year old told.me her and her husband moved out but are together and are much happier lol

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 18:34

Getitwright · 09/02/2025 17:45

I ought to add that we do work at it, it’s not all roses, but we both agreed to communicate with each other rather than sulk. Lots of stress at times, Cancer, caring for elderly duties, but we make sure it makes our time together more precious. I’d also add that neither of us discusses past boyfriends, girlfriends (even though some were mutual friends, but that was teenage years) suspicion, jealousy are relationship killers. We have to mutually trust each other, and do. Married as well, it’s what we wanted to do.

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I think that’s the bit. Successful relationships require work. And sometimes the work out weighs the rewards. Happily not in your case

I think discussion of previous exes (or not) is very specific to each relationship. Personally I can hear about exes without it causing disruption or jealousy. But most people I date have previous marriages/relationship/co parenting responsibilities. So I need to be able to understand they have had meaningful relationships before me, without getting upset. (They need to understand this about me too!)

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LovelySunnyDayToday · 09/02/2025 18:32

I'm late 40's. Been with DH 25 years. We have teens at home. I wouldn't want to live without him.
He supports me in everything I do. And I support him. We discuss everything. He's kind, smart, funny, works hard to provide for his family. He shops, cooks, cleans, does the washing, puts the bins out and helps me look after my aging parents. He's a good egg. Yes of course like everyone he has annoying habits.... he's stubborn as fuck, he snores like a tractor, he drinks, can't see some types of dirt, but we are family and we will hopefully grow old together.

DoYouReally · 09/02/2025 18:28

The good ones are and that bad ones aren't.

You can ha e a relationship on your terms, you don't have to combine finances or lose independence. If you chose wisely your partner won't be an emotional drain either.

researchers3 · 09/02/2025 18:26

No.

Plus the knowledge that I am also not the easiest person to be with either! There are many positives to me but I'm also quite flawed and complicated/difficult to understand.

My ex turned out to get a sociopathic narc but I did feel hugely understood by him. I doubt anyone will get me the way he did.

But, back to the question; I think most females give more in relationships than they get back and most are pretty unfulfilled.

Bloom15 · 09/02/2025 18:22

It depends on the experiences people have had.

I am in a happy marriage to a wonderful man. So that skews my thinking. As it would for people in bad relationships

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 18:18

I think being single is the luxury privileged option not available to all.

Crazycatlady79 · 09/02/2025 18:09

I've been single and celibate 7 years.
I really don't think I ever want sex and/or a relationship again.

Chillilounger · 09/02/2025 18:07

It will be a very individual thing. I have no issues with it because I don't see it as a loss of freedom, rather giving me more freedom, both financial, societal and sexual. Not in terms of more partners but in terms of feeling safe to be whatever I want to be.

SewingIsMySuperPower · 09/02/2025 18:01

My husband is my best friend. In the 14 years we've been together, he's made my life 100% better. We have shared finances (not equal because he earns a lot more than me-instigated by him when we bought our house), childfree (by choice), and aside from his security clearance meaning there are a few destinations we can't visit (which we're both a bit bummed about), I can't think of any way he makes my life worse. He's incredibly kind, supportive and funny. My favourite travel partner. We hate being apart for more than a few days. I've been ill recently and, despite him working full time, and me being off, he still cooks and cleans if I can't. No resentment or moaning.

Rather unusually for MN (so it seems anyway 🤣), I also really love my in-laws. They're wonderful and have also been really kind and supportive while I've been ill.

However, if the worst happened and I found myself single, I think I'd stay that way. Whilst I hated being single, I'd rather be alone than in a shitty relationship. And I'd never find anyone like my husband again in a million years ❤️

Climbinghigher · 09/02/2025 17:58

My marriage has been worth it. But we both do our own thing, pull together at difficult times, & have pooled all finances. If anything happened to dh I would not date again- would be happy being single the rest of my life.

Fjorduk · 09/02/2025 17:52

I'm happy with my relationship but I guess I was lucky to find my DP. We've been together for 20 years, not married, no kids by mutual accord, live together but don't have shared finances or bank accounts, chores split in half (but I think he does more than me as he works from home). I travel quite often (at least once a month) to my home country by myself and go on holidays without him although not often as I really like spending time with DP. He couldn't care less if I have male friends or if I have hobbies that don't envolve him. Overall I think having an easy life (no children or financial worries) makes things easier. I don't think I would like another relationship if we split up though as it would be difficult to find someone as laid back as DP.

Waitingfordoggo · 09/02/2025 17:51

I think people- especially women- can be very happy single. Life is surely simpler when you only have yourself to think of.

Having said that, I have been very lucky to have found the right person for me so I'm happy to be married to him. For me, yes it's worth a bit of compromise and sharing finances.

MaMoosie · 09/02/2025 17:48

I think I’d probably be happier single! But I really love my husband and he is my soul mate, even though he is messy, loud, and a bit useless. So I feel MY relationship is worth the effort and the work. But it’s very individual for each person.

Getitwright · 09/02/2025 17:45

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 17:31

That’s beautiful. I love that ❤️

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I ought to add that we do work at it, it’s not all roses, but we both agreed to communicate with each other rather than sulk. Lots of stress at times, Cancer, caring for elderly duties, but we make sure it makes our time together more precious. I’d also add that neither of us discusses past boyfriends, girlfriends (even though some were mutual friends, but that was teenage years) suspicion, jealousy are relationship killers. We have to mutually trust each other, and do. Married as well, it’s what we wanted to do.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 17:44

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 09/02/2025 17:25

Would a slightly less conventional relationship work better for you @UserNameNotAvailable9 ?

My Mum and her second husband never lived together, even after they married. They kept their finances entirely separate so never had to worry about your first point.

They kept a lot of their freedom. They'd average about 4 nights together and one weekend day a week, and do their own thing the rest of the time. They'd take some holidays together, but probably more apart.

Despite this, they had one of the closest, most loving relationships I've seen, and both got what they wanted from a marriage without having to sacrifice the things they found important about single life.

I was married for a while when I was much younger. But aside from that, most of my relationships would probably be classed as unconventional.

I have never shared finances, even when younger and married. But I have dated people that have been financially chaotic. (Not always obvious at the outset.) And it has ended up impacting me too.

I also only spend of nights a week with partners when I am in a relationship. Which works perfectly for me. But there’s not many people that is enough for and it generally becomes an issue!

Glad your mum found a balance that suited them both 🙂

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NonComm · 09/02/2025 17:41

@CreationNat1on
@JHound

Same here. I only know of one happy marriage (at least on the surface). I can see a lot of compromise and manipulation in the other marriages. I am only recently admitting to myself how brave I was to get away from a cruel and abusive marriage of 21 years.
I also very much enjoy time alone to recharge.

cunningartificer · 09/02/2025 17:34

I think if you went by some of the threads on mumsnet, you'd certainly think twice about getting into a relationship!

I'm deeply happy in mine and it has only added to the good things in my life but it's taken work from both of us to make that happen. I love having a backup and support that I don't have to think about--just know will always be on my side for the little things like housework and childcare and the big things like bereavement or job loss. I love him really deeply. Simple things are great when we're together; we don't need a lot to be happy. So yes from my point of view absolutely yes.

Having said that, I'd rather be single than in a relationship for the sake of it or with someone who wasn't an equal partner. Love should mean supporting each other to have a better life than if you were alone; not in a material but in an emotional sense. I think our culture means that women do sometimes seem to have more invested in the success of a relationship and put more into it and that can lead to an imbalance that encourages cruelty and selfishness from their partners, especially when children are involved. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 17:31

Getitwright · 09/02/2025 17:17

I’m lucky enough to be in a lovely caring, sharing relationship as well, 40+ years and counting. We were friends before we finally got together, and it might be a bit 🤭, but we do still adore each other, don’t like spending too long apart. We had some proper grown up conversations around the important things for us, finances, sharing tasks, etc…..and we decided not to have children as we both loved our careers. We share hobbies as well, there’s few things that one won’t do without the other trying if they like it…..horse riding, cycling, watching football, dogs, gardening, all sorts of shared likes. I think not having children has made our lives so much easier, we have never regretted it to this day, and have so much time to do exactly what we want to do, together and apart. Our choice I would add, I respect the choices of others.

That’s beautiful. I love that ❤️

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JHound · 09/02/2025 17:30

@CreationNat1on

I genuinely don't know anyone who is in a relationship that I would want.

Is it sad that I feel similar. Of all the couples I know only one, ONE makes me feel envious, sad when I am around them. The rest make me feel comfortable in being single.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 17:27

username299 · 09/02/2025 17:00

If you live separately then you don't have to mix finances. As for the rest, a relationship doesn't work if it's not both ways. Surely you support each other? As for freedom, freedom to do what?

I see username 299 was available!

There is always a certain amount of mixing finances. Dinners, trips etc. it’s very difficult to maintain a strict 50/50 split at all times. Which , in my experience, men become very resentful if they feel they’ve paid more. Or they turn up with no dosh so you need to pay.

Freedom to solo travel, to follow your interest, to do things alone to get headspace. I have always continued to do these things while in relationships. But it has always required repeated boundary setting which I could just do without sometimes

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AcquadiP · 09/02/2025 17:26

To be honest when I look back at my life, the happiest and most fulfilling times have always been when I've been in a mutually loving and committed relationship with my dog(s). My relationships with members of the opposite sex, however, ugh!

JHound · 09/02/2025 17:25

MatildaTheCat · 09/02/2025 17:05

I’m an outlier here because I’ve been married 35 years and despite the odd major disagreement we are quite simply a good fit together. He’s not massively emotional and wouldn’t want long deep conversations about’us’ but I have a lot of female friends who fill that role. And yes, those relationships are worth the effort too.

Out of interest do those of you who prefer single life have a family history of divorced/ separated or unhappy parents? In my own limited experience it does make a difference.

My parents are separated but both happily with new partners.

Nothing to do with parental separation in my situation. My relationship / dating history has just been majority toxic so I prefer not to try anymore and that has improved my mental health.

I think if my relationship history was more positive then definitely I would prefer to be coupled over being single.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 09/02/2025 17:25

Would a slightly less conventional relationship work better for you @UserNameNotAvailable9 ?

My Mum and her second husband never lived together, even after they married. They kept their finances entirely separate so never had to worry about your first point.

They kept a lot of their freedom. They'd average about 4 nights together and one weekend day a week, and do their own thing the rest of the time. They'd take some holidays together, but probably more apart.

Despite this, they had one of the closest, most loving relationships I've seen, and both got what they wanted from a marriage without having to sacrifice the things they found important about single life.

JHound · 09/02/2025 17:21

Ratisshortforratthew · 09/02/2025 16:37

I agree with you and I’m in a relationship! It works because we have no kids, separate finances (not married and I don’t want to be) and there isn’t really any compromise involved. We’re very aligned in our worldview and we really do slot together seamlessly but I haven’t changed my approach to life from when I was single. For example I still solo travel for extended periods, we do a lot of social stuff separately, but we also get on really well and enjoy each other’s company. I wouldn’t want a relationship that required any more of me than just existing as I see fit

This sounds perfect!