Are relationships worth it??

Single 4 years. Much happier and calmer.

My cat sleeps on the pillow next to me and I’m not moving him for anyone.

I’m one of the lucky ones, whilst not perfect I’m in a meeting of minds that crosses and compliments. We bring out the best in each other and together 28 years.

Of all my friends and sisters I reckon about 20% of us have managed a really good long term relationship.

I have never had the debt issues or a financially incontinent men that you have had I have lived with another man as well when young and no such issues. Plus the couple of guys I dated very much all ok finance wise. One we had a 50/50 type of dating scenario and the other one insisted on paying the bulk, he did earn a fortune.

I was single by choice in my 20s and absolutely loved it. Decided to try dating in my 30s and was in a couple of rubbish relationships. They made me want to be single again. Then I met someone when I was 40. He has helped me discover what a happy, healthy, supportive relationship is and 4 years on, I'm the happiest I've ever been. So I definitely think the person you're in a relationship with matters a lot.

Out of all of my friends and family there are only a couple who are in the sort of relationship I'd want to be in. So many aren't.

It depends on the partner. I’m happily single but I still want to find someone to live my life with, eventually. I miss the sharing of moments with someone who gets you. I’ve had relationships that have been happy at times, but when things got tough they’d never put the work in to communicate or compromise. That caused huge stress and frustration. Unfortunately Ive chosen men with the emotional maturity of a teenager so I should have seen that coming!

I’d also never let a man have access to my finances.

Single life is very stress free and content at the moment and that’s a real bonus. I can see why so many women choose this. But I’d only commit with someone who enhances my life. A man child is not worth disturbing my peace for.

Online 🤣 I doubt OLD is the same now as it was 14.5 years ago, but my sister met her husband on tinder, and my best friend also met her husband online.

Personally, I think we were just insanely lucky. We didn't live in the same town, or do activities that would ever have helped us meet.

I do agree with you in some ways. A bad relationship is definitely worse than being single. And there is a certain freedom when single that you don't have when in a couple (however great the relationship is). It's balancing whether giving up that freedom is worth it. For me, it absolutely is.

On my second long marriage (widowed youngish) and the thing I am most grateful for in terms of whatever spidey senses I had is that they are/were both financially absolutely straight and decent.

Not terribly romantic, but I read so many threads on here where partners are otherwise and think if someone really loves you, would they cocklodge, hide or squander money and put your survival, or the wellbeing of your children at risk?

I miss the intimacy, not just the physical but the emotional connection, the sense of someone having your back, an equal partner in life.

But that seems very hard to find and if it can't be all of that, then I would rather be single.

It's better to be single and open to the right relationship should it come along, than to be in a bad relationship that first you'd have to extract yourself from and heal from, in order to be able to find the right relationship.

I'm mid 50's though, so my sex drive isn't a constant, it's there if I need it but doesn't drive me say to day. Would be more of a challenge to be zen about singlehood if I was younger!

What freedom do you think you don’t have?

I think you’ve clearly just been in the wrong relationships. I’ve never felt like I had to worry about my partner running up debts, I’ve never felt like my partner limited by freedom and I’ve not felt a burden by emotionally supporting him.
My marriage is the one thing that without exception has always made my life easier rather than harder.

It is as close to perfect as it gets tbh, and I’ve had some stinkers of relationships in the past. I don’t feel any pressure to prioritise couple stuff - independence is a big priority for both of us.

No.
Nothing is better than personal freedom, even if marriage makes your life significantly better (financially).

DH and I are a team which beats being a team of one.

For me good relationships are worth it but they seem rare. I do think relationships exist where none of what you listed cause issues and the couple genuinely go through life happy and as a team. I just think finding a partnership like that is like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi and many, many people just settle for close enough.

Some of the posts on here do make me think "girl you would be SO much happier single why are you doing this?" Maybe it's just me and my instant gratification generation but I'd have run for the hills if I was in 99% of the relationships I read about on the relationship board 🙃

It's a really interesting and broad question.

Rather than a binary of "Rubbish partner draining me" vs "Perfect independent single life" I'd say my experiences are somewhere in the middle.

It is nice being independent and not having to be accountable.

I'm not hopelessly romantic and don't tend to get overwhelmed by emotions with men.

However, not everyone has a great circle of supportive girlfriends or a community or family.

For basic practical support, some people have a partner figure as the primary person.

I've not had perfect relationships by any means (I'm not perfect as a human or as a partner myself).

Looking back, it's normally a partner who is doing the house moves and the care when I'm ill and keeping me fed and housed if I become destitute or if money is tight.

Not friends.

Plus doubling up finances with someone you can bear to live with can open up more options.

Perhaps I'll have an independent "gentleman companion" as I get older for mutual friendship and practical support!

I think in the western world (Germaine Greer is good on this) there's too much confusion between romantic love and a fairly pragmatic, contractual view of relationships in which finances and duties are specified.

I think it helped that I had only really had positive relationship models when I was growing up and so did dh. Not a single divorce or (as far as I know) unhappy marriage in either of our extended families, which must be pretty unusual! Also, I was never that desperate to be in a ltr. I was always willing to stay single (and have brief and meaningless flings ) rather than even considering being in a relationship with someone who wasn't right.

I also appear to be in the minority. I used to think like you @UserNameNotAvailable9 and then I met my wife. My life became better in every way imaginable. It has been expansive in that we have been able to do more together than we could as individuals. I don't find sharing anything with her a chore (finances, space, time). We have had some challenges with health, but I wouldn't swap her for all the tea in China.

Mine is. Some of the ones posted about on here are hellscapes though. So it depends I guess.