Page 2 | Are relationships worth it??

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 2025-02-09T16:12:19+00:00

I’ve been married, single, in relationships with separate living and semi casual relationships. And my life always seems simpler and easier when single. I read threads on here and many of the problems seem to come from relationships too. Some of the areas I find too complicated in relationships. 1. up front and centre…finances. I find it much easier to manage finances single. No worrying about someone else running up debt, not contributing, or contributing but feeling resentful 1. losing freedom. Always compromising to accommodate someone else’s wishes. 1. emotional weight. Putting your own needs to the side to support someone else’s Are relationships worth the level of compromise that is required??

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 21:31

Germanymunch · 09/02/2025 20:56

Being single is a lot simpler, but not for the reasons mentioned in your op for me. My issue is I always seem to be cheated on and lied to. I've had very little back in as much as I could say any of them truly loved me and was always treated like a helpful (used to cook/clean, earn etc) housemate they could have sex with. I've come to the opinion that men are simply so different to what I can accept as a life partner (dishonest, loose morals, manipulating, and honestly not very interesting, funny or bright - on the whole) that I'd rather not share my living space or time with them. What's the point?

You know, it’s funny, this is the one area I’ve actually been pretty lucky. I’ve most likely been cheated on here and there. (Couple of suspicions but didn’t investigate too thoroughly.) This is something I should definitely be grateful for

OP posts:

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 21:20

HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 21:06

It shouldn't be work. That's one of the things I didn't understand before. With my wife there is very little effort in the way you mean (I think). I try to be the best version of me that I can be, for her, but other than that, there has been has been very little change required. We just fit together in ways I didn't think were possible.

The fact that you created the thread alludes to there being some level of discomfort with the status quo, and in a way, one of the reasons I am happy now is that I was also happy by myself. I think many people aren't happy by themselves and seek to plug the gap by forming relationships artificially.

It is a strange and bizarre life, for sure.

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People keep telling me - relationships are work. Which is why I keep saying - is it worth it!?!? It sounds like you’ve found the perfect balance which is great.

Yes, I’m very happy by myself and I don’t get lonely easily. I’ve also got a lot going on between work and social stuff. I actually find it quite difficult to fit a full blown relationship in!

I am happy that the status quo works for some. Beautiful examples in this thread. But I don’t hold it as the gold standard, no. Alternatives are equally valid 😊

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Youagain2025 · 09/02/2025 21:14

Germanymunch · 09/02/2025 20:56

Being single is a lot simpler, but not for the reasons mentioned in your op for me. My issue is I always seem to be cheated on and lied to. I've had very little back in as much as I could say any of them truly loved me and was always treated like a helpful (used to cook/clean, earn etc) housemate they could have sex with. I've come to the opinion that men are simply so different to what I can accept as a life partner (dishonest, loose morals, manipulating, and honestly not very interesting, funny or bright - on the whole) that I'd rather not share my living space or time with them. What's the point?

I felt simlar to this. When I met my ex I thought he was lovely .he was kind, loving generous. When we lived together it was like having another child. But it felt harder than having another child. What i also found hard was that I could see that the woman in his life . Ie his mum , adult daughter, sister. Done everything for him. And once his feet were under the table he thought i would be the same . I was for a whike to be honest. When we split i felt a massive weight lift.

HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 21:06

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:57

It’s good to hear your orbit finally collided! And I’m sure you bring as much as she does

im quite a bit older than 40s, so I think my moment has passed 😁

I have, of course, self reflected and it may just be I’m not cut out for relationships. I have definitely walked away from relationships others would have worked through

I do also think I might view relationships differently. Forever doesn’t need to be the aim. Aside from a couple of rotten relationships…I have always had amicable ends and appreciated the part the person played in my life. And hopefully mine in theirs

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It shouldn't be work. That's one of the things I didn't understand before. With my wife there is very little effort in the way you mean (I think). I try to be the best version of me that I can be, for her, but other than that, there has been has been very little change required. We just fit together in ways I didn't think were possible.

The fact that you created the thread alludes to there being some level of discomfort with the status quo, and in a way, one of the reasons I am happy now is that I was also happy by myself. I think many people aren't happy by themselves and seek to plug the gap by forming relationships artificially.

It is a strange and bizarre life, for sure.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:57

HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 20:43

I hear you. For me, I examined the constant factor in all my failed relationships, which was me. My wife and I found each other later in life, we were both in our 40s. Whilst I wish we had done so sooner, and indeed, by a quirk of fate, we hung out in many of the same places at the same time over the years, but never met, I don't think I was ready for her.

Whilst I hated some of the experiences in the way I suspect you do, I needed them to grow. I only hope I can be as much of an enhancement to her life as she has been to mine.

Ironically, I wasn't looking either, I had pretty much given up. I am delighted that she hadn't, and invested the effort to help me to see the light.

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It’s good to hear your orbit finally collided! And I’m sure you bring as much as she does

im quite a bit older than 40s, so I think my moment has passed 😁

I have, of course, self reflected and it may just be I’m not cut out for relationships. I have definitely walked away from relationships others would have worked through

I do also think I might view relationships differently. Forever doesn’t need to be the aim. Aside from a couple of rotten relationships…I have always had amicable ends and appreciated the part the person played in my life. And hopefully mine in theirs

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Germanymunch · 09/02/2025 20:56

Being single is a lot simpler, but not for the reasons mentioned in your op for me. My issue is I always seem to be cheated on and lied to. I've had very little back in as much as I could say any of them truly loved me and was always treated like a helpful (used to cook/clean, earn etc) housemate they could have sex with. I've come to the opinion that men are simply so different to what I can accept as a life partner (dishonest, loose morals, manipulating, and honestly not very interesting, funny or bright - on the whole) that I'd rather not share my living space or time with them. What's the point?

Snowdropsaremyfavourite · 09/02/2025 20:50

JHound · 09/02/2025 17:20

Also at my age compromise is too challenging and I don’t want to do a load of domestic and emotional labour for somebody else.

This is where I'm at. It's a lovely thought being in a relationship but from past experience I slowly became their housekeeper once the honeymoon period was over. Their moods were also problematic. I wish I could say otherwise and that I'd trust again. Sadly, it would always be in the back of my mind that once we moved in together he'd take a big step back from domestic chores, life admin and just generally being nice to me.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:50

JHound · 09/02/2025 20:45

I will say the financial benefits of relationships I am envious of.

If I had had a committed partnership for the last 20 or even 10 years my financial situation would be so so so SO much better.

Even now it would be worth it for that but I would have to actively date and I refuse to do that so…

shrugs

Not necessarily. Sometimes relationships rook you financially 😱

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JHound · 09/02/2025 20:45

I will say the financial benefits of relationships I am envious of.

If I had had a committed partnership for the last 20 or even 10 years my financial situation would be so so so SO much better.

Even now it would be worth it for that but I would have to actively date and I refuse to do that so…

shrugs

HappiestSleeping · 09/02/2025 20:43

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 19:28

I think I’ve had the opposite experience. I started out very open and believing rejationship to be ‘worth it’. And began to doubt that more as each relationship passed.

Although maybe I’m just not cut out for it!

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I hear you. For me, I examined the constant factor in all my failed relationships, which was me. My wife and I found each other later in life, we were both in our 40s. Whilst I wish we had done so sooner, and indeed, by a quirk of fate, we hung out in many of the same places at the same time over the years, but never met, I don't think I was ready for her.

Whilst I hated some of the experiences in the way I suspect you do, I needed them to grow. I only hope I can be as much of an enhancement to her life as she has been to mine.

Ironically, I wasn't looking either, I had pretty much given up. I am delighted that she hadn't, and invested the effort to help me to see the light.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2025 20:40

There's always people in these threads who simply cannot understand that for some other people, being single is perfect. They always think it's because you haven't met the right man. No. Some - loads of - people would take solitude over every single other person that exists.

It's a different kind of freedom. I can do whatever I want - without a second thought. There's no layer of 'im sure it'll be fine, I'll just check with Pete.' The mental difference is huge.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:37

Youagain2025 · 09/02/2025 20:35

I tried being in relationships . I just can't do it at all. I feel so much happier and content on my own. I feel like my life is taken up with my children. I dont have time for a relationship. I feel at peace on my own . Maybe I will feel different when I'm 80

I hear you loud and clear 😁

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Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:36

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 09/02/2025 20:27

Ten years ago I would have said I was happier single. Then I met the right person. It’s not single vs relationship IMO. It’s a hierarchy. At the top is a happy, healthy relationship, then single, then any other relationship. Marriage, having children, living together, sharing finances, all those things aren’t scary when you are with someone on the same page as you about life, and who loves and RESPECTS you.
I think 9/10 of the horror stories you read on here happen when couples don’t have mutual trust and respect. And I also mean self-respect here too. The women who put up with so much crap, and who ignore millions of red flags don’t have enough self-respect. This idea that you “lose yourself” in a relationship means you’re doing it wrong.You shouldn’t become someone you don’t like or recognise in a relationship. If that happens this is toxic and you need to give it up. Single is better than that.

I have been in a very toxic relationship. Again a very long time ago. (I learned my lesson) But what I would say is, I would never judge someone for not having the strength or self respect to leave. A terrible relationship takes everything from you. Your self worth and more importantly, your strength. And the one thing you need to get out of a bad relationship is strength.

I’m not scared of having children. I co-parented my children to adulthood with my ex husband. I’d say we did an excellent job

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Youagain2025 · 09/02/2025 20:35

I tried being in relationships . I just can't do it at all. I feel so much happier and content on my own. I feel like my life is taken up with my children. I dont have time for a relationship. I feel at peace on my own . Maybe I will feel different when I'm 80

Nothatgingerpirate · 09/02/2025 20:32

Completelyjo · 09/02/2025 19:26

What freedom do you think you don’t have?

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Not seeing other people's faces at my home, as it comes.
Some people here are contemplating having babies at 45.
I'm just looking forward to retiring from society.

jotex · 09/02/2025 20:28

I’m single and live in a foreign country where I know practically no one, so quite lonely too…but I like it. It sounds silly, but I’m really happy with my little life. I spend a lot of time on my own and I like my own company, but I still crave someone. Not a relationship, not a FWB, just something in between I suppose. I’ve been seeing a man for a few months who fits the bill perfectly for now. We’re taking things slow but talked about the possibility of being “official” but really I don’t want that. I’m happy with dates and sex, but I want to go home at the end of the night and be alone. Argh

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 09/02/2025 20:27

Ten years ago I would have said I was happier single. Then I met the right person. It’s not single vs relationship IMO. It’s a hierarchy. At the top is a happy, healthy relationship, then single, then any other relationship. Marriage, having children, living together, sharing finances, all those things aren’t scary when you are with someone on the same page as you about life, and who loves and RESPECTS you.
I think 9/10 of the horror stories you read on here happen when couples don’t have mutual trust and respect. And I also mean self-respect here too. The women who put up with so much crap, and who ignore millions of red flags don’t have enough self-respect. This idea that you “lose yourself” in a relationship means you’re doing it wrong.You shouldn’t become someone you don’t like or recognise in a relationship. If that happens this is toxic and you need to give it up. Single is better than that.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:25

SunLift · 09/02/2025 20:22

In the modern world I think people are better off staying single.
If I was to advise someone in their 20s I would tell them to stay away from marriage and long term relationships because most end in pain. I’m not speaking from experience though (been with the same person nearly 30 years), just observing a lot of people that I know.

I’m not one for giving advice. Don’t think I’m in any position 🤣

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Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:22

Uricon2 · 09/02/2025 19:32

On my second long marriage (widowed youngish) and the thing I am most grateful for in terms of whatever spidey senses I had is that they are/were both financially absolutely straight and decent.

Not terribly romantic, but I read so many threads on here where partners are otherwise and think if someone really loves you, would they cocklodge, hide or squander money and put your survival, or the wellbeing of your children at risk?

You’d be surprised.

Some people, for a whole host of reasons, do damaging things without necessarily meaning any harm.

I think one of the things about ‘love’ is that we all mean different things when we say that word. It doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. To some people it mean I will put your needs first and look out for you. To others it means I will chase the big romantic highs

We don’t all mean the same thing when we say - I love you

i also think someone can appear very financially decent even for a number of years, then blindside. Depends how skilled they are

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SunLift · 09/02/2025 20:22

In the modern world I think people are better off staying single.
If I was to advise someone in their 20s I would tell them to stay away from marriage and long term relationships because most end in pain. I’m not speaking from experience though (been with the same person nearly 30 years), just observing a lot of people that I know.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:17

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 19:00

For me good relationships are worth it but they seem rare. I do think relationships exist where none of what you listed cause issues and the couple genuinely go through life happy and as a team. I just think finding a partnership like that is like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi and many, many people just settle for close enough.

Some of the posts on here do make me think "girl you would be SO much happier single why are you doing this?" Maybe it's just me and my instant gratification generation but I'd have run for the hills if I was in 99% of the relationships I read about on the relationship board 🙃

I don’t think it’s just you! I have read stuff on here that I’ve thought…surely pretty much anything is better than the relationship you’re describing!

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Cheepcheepcheep · 09/02/2025 20:16

I am far far happier with DH than I would be without him. married 7 years, together 13.

Financial - we earn the same amount, and can buy more with our combined power than we ever could apart.

Freedom - I’m far freer with him than I’d be without him. He gives me the strength to be the best I can be, and he supports me to be so.

Emotionally - god, I wouldn’t be the person I am without him.

We make each other better and we are greater than the sum of our parts. I’m happy to be called lucky - I know I am - but this is my experience, even in the trenches with two preschoolers, no sleep, less sex, tight finances and work stress. And I’m excited for what’s next, which I think is quite decent at over a decade in and in our late 30s.

Original poster

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 20:14

TealOP · 09/02/2025 19:37

It depends on the partner. I’m happily single but I still want to find someone to live my life with, eventually. I miss the sharing of moments with someone who gets you. I’ve had relationships that have been happy at times, but when things got tough they’d never put the work in to communicate or compromise. That caused huge stress and frustration. Unfortunately Ive chosen men with the emotional maturity of a teenager so I should have seen that coming!

I’d also never let a man have access to my finances.

Single life is very stress free and content at the moment and that’s a real bonus. I can see why so many women choose this. But I’d only commit with someone who enhances my life. A man child is not worth disturbing my peace for.

I think it is very difficult to find someone who enhances your life rather than adding stress. But hope you come across that

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pikkumyy77 · 09/02/2025 20:08

35 years in, 30 years married, husband and two adult children who are caring for me post operatively as I just had a cancer removed from my chest. Hell yes they are worth it.

JHound · 09/02/2025 20:06

UserNameNotAvailable9 · 09/02/2025 18:40

Why do you feel sad?

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Because I find it said that I know so many couples and yet hardly any who are in a relationship I would desire.