Page 4 | To think their friendship is inappropriate?

Frightodd · 2025-02-09T15:35:20+00:00

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal. They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings. She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view). I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing. When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still! I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that. I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

Parrotinthehouse · 09/02/2025 16:20

Sounds like your his right now - untik he convinces her to come back.

I would have ended it when he answered 'not sure'

You ddeserve more OP

FedupMumof10YearOld · 09/02/2025 16:20

Basically he said given half a chance he would be with her. Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker.

Arlanymor · 09/02/2025 16:19

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

Same, well said.

Celia24 · 09/02/2025 16:18

Hard one OP. I’ve had a male friend for over 20 years since we were kids, also bonded over similar interests,

also in person friends now, nothing has ever happened.

I think I’d be bothered by your situation as she’s a new friend as an adult and he’s as much as admitted he’d be with her if closer.

that said my current DP had an ex who eas practically a pen pal and as our relationship developed she gradually disappeared. It was fulfilling something for him before me, I think he’d been lonely. So she may disappear if you hide your time or may not

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 09/02/2025 16:17

Meecrowahvey · 09/02/2025 15:37

You're upset that your boyfriend of 4 months has a female friend he's known since before he met you?

He also admitted he would prefer the said friend over OP if she lived closer... Not ideal, unless you like being third wheel in your own relationship.

StrawberryDream24 · 09/02/2025 16:17

Only that I saw her name once on his WhatsApp’s

Well it means they've WhatsApp ed.

Why else would she be a contact in his WA.

(Also the letter etc writing - to me seems quite romantic and significant. Quite a lot of effort).

outerspacepotato · 09/02/2025 16:16

The only reason she's just a "friend" is long distance. He's not sure if things would be different if she lived closer.

Of course he's not going to tell you he would go after her if she lived nearby. You're the nearby option.

You are really rushing things talking about the future after 4 months of dating.

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2025 16:14

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

Yes, you are 2nd best and the only reason he is with you is proximity

beAsensible1 · 09/02/2025 16:14

I wouldn’t bother. Doesn’t matter what we think, it’s early days and makes you uncomfortable. You won’t be able to
let it lie and as you get deeper in you will just end up In constant back and forths.

Remember a boundary isn’t forcing someone to fit into your mould but deciding to step away when they don’t.

let him have his penpal and leave him.

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:14

I think I would let it go for a few months if it was me.

They're not in the same country.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:14

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 16:12

You described them as pen pals (literally pen and paper) but that’s not true, is it? Not if they have met and speak via WhatsApp etc. Do they call each other? Video?

Do you know whether anything physical has ever happened between them when they have met? Because that would change this all, quite a bit.

I don’t know any of this. Only that I saw her name once on his WhatsApp’s. I have no idea if they call, etc.

I don’t know whether I want to open Pandora’s box and start asking more questions.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:13

If you’re happy with him imagining her in intimate situations, carry on. If not, don’t. That simple, I think.

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 16:12

You described them as pen pals (literally pen and paper) but that’s not true, is it? Not if they have met and speak via WhatsApp etc. Do they call each other? Video?

Do you know whether anything physical has ever happened between them when they have met? Because that would change this all, quite a bit.

StrawberryDream24 · 09/02/2025 16:12

If we followed the male red pill philosophy on this - and on the occasional thing, I think they're actually correct) they would grade him as a casual, non exclusive relationship partner. Not serious, exclusive, committed relationship material.

They'd call this person (the "friend") an "orbiter".

They don't go exclusive with or prioritise relationships with women with orbiters.

(They don't bother telling them they're not exclusive or committed to them either!

However that would tend to work for men, not so much for women. And you're already emotionally attached, it's obvious from the language you use and how happy you are to read a post that minimises it & let's you continue seeing him).

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:11

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:09

What does your gut tell you?

My gut isn’t trustworthy because of previous cheating so I go wildly between looking at the facts I have (she’s the other side of the planet, our relationship is incredible, he clearly adores me)….

And the sketchy info I have about her (good looking, same taste in music, writing each other letters, may or may not have met on a dating app).

I’m able to focus on the first set of facts when we’re together and things are lovely, but when we’re not, she resurfaces.

OP posts:

GoneGirl12345 · 09/02/2025 16:11

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

Completely agree with this

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:10

Just that I started dating a man who had a friend like this once.

And the relationship turned out to be a disaster.

He told me "All my exes complained about this female friend too"

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:09

What does your gut tell you?

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:09

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:08

I don’t know this for sure. He said “online” and that it was a Facebook group for fans of a certain band. I have no idea if this is true. My memory of him mentioning a dating app when he mentioned her in another context, may, admittedly, be incorrect.

Edited

Show quote history

Hmm

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:08

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:05

But he met this woman on a dating site.

Good decent men, when they get into a relationship, stop messaging women on dating sites.

Show quote history

I don’t know this for sure. He said “online” and that it was a Facebook group for fans of a certain band. I have no idea if this is true. My memory of him mentioning a dating app when he mentioned her in another context, may, admittedly, be incorrect.

OP posts:

StrawberryDream24 · 09/02/2025 16:06

He’s wonderful.

He's not.

He's got a "friend" whom he says he doesn't know what would happen with if they were in the same place.
That's not truly a friend.
That's a "friend" who's only not more than a friend because of geography.

Would he take that from you with another bloke?

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:05

IveGotYourNumber · 09/02/2025 16:03

If you are talking “a lot” about a future together it seems eminently reasonable to me that you are looking for reassurance and information as to how she fits into that future together. If he plans on remaining in touch with her then you’re going to have to find a way to deal with that. I’d be uncomfortable too but I think you have to take a leap of faith here and see how things pan out. If he is meant for you you’ll see it in many ways, No point making yourself sound like an insanely jealous bunny boiler at only 4 months in.

But he met this woman on a dating site.

Good decent men, when they get into a relationship, stop messaging women on dating sites.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:04

IveGotYourNumber · 09/02/2025 16:03

If you are talking “a lot” about a future together it seems eminently reasonable to me that you are looking for reassurance and information as to how she fits into that future together. If he plans on remaining in touch with her then you’re going to have to find a way to deal with that. I’d be uncomfortable too but I think you have to take a leap of faith here and see how things pan out. If he is meant for you you’ll see it in many ways, No point making yourself sound like an insanely jealous bunny boiler at only 4 months in.

This is such a lovely and measured response. Thank you.

OP posts:

IveGotYourNumber · 09/02/2025 16:03

If you are talking “a lot” about a future together it seems eminently reasonable to me that you are looking for reassurance and information as to how she fits into that future together. If he plans on remaining in touch with her then you’re going to have to find a way to deal with that. I’d be uncomfortable too but I think you have to take a leap of faith here and see how things pan out. If he is meant for you you’ll see it in many ways, No point making yourself sound like an insanely jealous bunny boiler at only 4 months in.

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 15:59

This situation is really hard because the men can often make you feel like you're crazy.

You can say you're not ok with it and you want him to stop. But if you do he may break up with you.

I was in a situation like this ages ago. I told him I didn't like it. He told me I was crazy and it was fine to have a female friend.

It was the start of our break up. Other things led to our break up too. But the female friend was one of them.

It's so hard to navigate it.