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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think their friendship is inappropriate?

115 replies

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:35

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal.

They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings.

She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view).

I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing.

When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still!

I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that.

I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 09/02/2025 16:43

@Frightodd I don’t know whether I want to open Pandora’s box and start asking more questions.

I would look into his phone and find out what exactly is going on (I know some are going to grill me for this but that's how I caught my cheating BF).

JonnyHoggIsKing · 09/02/2025 16:41

You already feel second best and you’re only in the dating phase when people are typically on best behaviour. Run now before you’re in deeper. This is red flag central!

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:41

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:38

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 15:37
“hhmmmm. I’m not sure
I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.
**
Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him

Yes, really. The only thing stopping this “friendship” becoming a partnership is distance.

My husband and I were living together after 4 months. When it’s right, you know.

This isn’t right for OP. His heart is somewhere else.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 09/02/2025 16:41

when I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still!

I'm not sure why you drew that conclusion, tbh.

The thing is that when she and he were both single, they didn't get together. I'd ask him whether previous girlfriends had ended their relationship with him because of this woman.

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:40

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

It’s not up to him. His friend would also have to be attracted to him that way. Bit presumptuous to think he’d be “shagging her brains out” like she is some sort of sex doll he need only pay customs duties on to import.

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:38

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 15:37

“hhmmmm. I’m not sure

I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.

Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him.

Therehastobemoretolife · 09/02/2025 16:37

No no no and no.

absolutely not

you are second best. Fuck that.

Talkingtherapist · 09/02/2025 16:37

I think a measure of ‘friendship’ is how open or how intimate and secretive it seems. If she is a true friend, and only a friend, as your relationship with him develops, he should be open to introducing you etc. If however he seems uncomfortable including you in the friendship, and keeps correspondence hidden and secretive, that would imply an intimate and therefore inappropriate friendship. I hope this works out well for you and he provides the reassurance you need, to allow the relationship to develop. Good luck OP!

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 16:31

I would need more details on their ‘friendship.’ You’re getting to a point where you need to decide whether you carry on or you end things and you’re trying to do it with very little information.

Do they message each other, call or video chat, was their relationship ever physical, what are the contents of these letters? They could be completely platonic, they could be really romantic - who knows!

I think, whether you do it now or wait to see where it’s going, some point soon you’re going to need to have a conversation with him about her, their friendship, your relationship and how it’s all going to work or if it won’t.

Newmumhere40 · 09/02/2025 16:30

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:51

I don’t want to end it. I absolutely adore him! I just want to lay the concern to rest and move on, really. He’s wonderful.

But I also don’t want to be a mug!

Show quote history

After 4 months you adore him? ⛳🚩

Original poster
Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:30

Hiddenfeature · 09/02/2025 16:26

Seek therapy for your jealousy and anger.

We’re all a little in love with gorgeous people, I’m sure you have been as well, that does not mean we would ever entertain cheating or leave our partners.

Your jealousy will be the self fulfilling prophecy that drives him away if you don’t get a handle on it.

I am in therapy for it. As I said, I’m posting here rather than getting on him about it.

OP posts:
Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:30

Hardlyworking · 09/02/2025 16:28

Well in that case it must be true. I assume your friend has been nominated by all males worldwide to be their universal spokesman?

Show quote history

No of course he doesn't speak for all men.

But I've seen a lot of men online saying the exact same thing that he did.

TemporaryPosition · 09/02/2025 16:29

StrawberryDream24 · 09/02/2025 16:06

He’s wonderful.

He's not.

He's got a "friend" whom he says he doesn't know what would happen with if they were in the same place.
That's not truly a friend.
That's a "friend" who's only not more than a friend because of geography.

Would he take that from you with another bloke?

Edited

Yes exactly, tell him about your romantic pen pal and see how enthusiastic he feels about that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:28

Meecrowahvey · Today 15:37
You're upset that your boyfriend of 4 months has a female friend he's known since before he met you

I moved in around 4 months after we met. We both knew pretty quickly that we loved each other.

Hardlyworking · 09/02/2025 16:28

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:20

My male friend told me that all men want to have sex with their female friends.

They keep it at a friend level as they think the female friend doesn't want more.

But if the female friend ever said that she wanted more, the man would have sex with her in a second

Well in that case it must be true. I assume your friend has been nominated by all males worldwide to be their universal spokesman?

Hiddenfeature · 09/02/2025 16:26

Seek therapy for your jealousy and anger.

We’re all a little in love with gorgeous people, I’m sure you have been as well, that does not mean we would ever entertain cheating or leave our partners.

Your jealousy will be the self fulfilling prophecy that drives him away if you don’t get a handle on it.

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:26

I was just thinking that the other way around is also really sad.

Ive been friends with men. I'd known them for a long time. Some since school.

I'd been friends with one of them for 8 years. Nothing romantic ever happened with us.

We were good friends. We did lots of activities (in a group) with other friends together every year.

The minute he got a girlfriend, I never saw him again. His girlfriend didn't like him having female friends.

Original poster
Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:25

NewNeolithic · 09/02/2025 16:22

I think I was the woman in this scenario when I started dating my husband. But then I fell in love with my husband and made a life with him, and no longer wrote to some 'old friends', one in particular. He knew about him from our pre-dating days (I had told him I would be with him if we lived in the same country) and he never mentioned it after we started dating. I think he was confident in our relationship and trusted me (rightly).

If this chap is keen on you, and has residual feelings for his friend, they should fade as you become more involved (4 months is really not long). And you should trust him that this old passion will fade as you fill his life. If you struggle with trust, it may require an honest conversation between you at some point - not yet - but I actually think it is a good sign he was honest about her. Good luck with it.

This is how I (mostly) feel. Our relationship is truly fantastic and in my more logical moments I can absolutely put it to the back
of my mind and assume it’ll die a death.

In the dark of night though, it’s giving me pause for thought.

OP posts:
NewNeolithic · 09/02/2025 16:22

I think I was the woman in this scenario when I started dating my husband. But then I fell in love with my husband and made a life with him, and no longer wrote to some 'old friends', one in particular. He knew about him from our pre-dating days (I had told him I would be with him if we lived in the same country) and he never mentioned it after we started dating. I think he was confident in our relationship and trusted me (rightly).

If this chap is keen on you, and has residual feelings for his friend, they should fade as you become more involved (4 months is really not long). And you should trust him that this old passion will fade as you fill his life. If you struggle with trust, it may require an honest conversation between you at some point - not yet - but I actually think it is a good sign he was honest about her. Good luck with it.

Neveranynamesleft · 09/02/2025 16:22

He's having his cake and eating it. Save yourself the hassle, nothing is going to change as he quite clearly enjoys her 'company' and let's be honest, if he thought better of you then he would end things with her. Move on, regardless of how much you like him, you are worth more than this set up.

Gottogetmyflyzone · 09/02/2025 16:20

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 15:46

I think it's the fact that he'd clearly be shagging her brains out if she didn't live so far away that'd end it for me. I won't be someone's back up prize. A friend is one thing, a friend he definitely wants to date or at least fuck but can't because of distance and not because of you is a no from me.

exactly the same for me

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 09/02/2025 16:20

MissUltraViolet · 09/02/2025 16:12

You described them as pen pals (literally pen and paper) but that’s not true, is it? Not if they have met and speak via WhatsApp etc. Do they call each other? Video?

Do you know whether anything physical has ever happened between them when they have met? Because that would change this all, quite a bit.

You can be penpals with people you have met irl.
It sort of beats the point though if you also use whattsap. A lot of effort to write letters but also maintaint regular contact via SM.

AsLivingArrows · 09/02/2025 16:20

I very much believe that it's fine to have friends of the opposite gender, but not when he's said something might happen. That's not a friendship.

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:20

My male friend told me that all men want to have sex with their female friends.

They keep it at a friend level as they think the female friend doesn't want more.

But if the female friend ever said that she wanted more, the man would have sex with her in a second

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:20

My male friend told me that all men want to have sex with their female friends.

They keep it at a friend level as they think the female friend doesn't want more.

But if the female friend ever said that she wanted more, the man would have sex with her in a second