Page 2 | To think their friendship is inappropriate?

Frightodd · 2025-02-09T15:35:20+00:00

I’m dating a man who has a pen-pal overseas. Literally a pen and paper penpal. They met “online”. When I questioned this further he said Facebook but I’m not convinced. I’m sure he’s told me about her in a different context before and he said it was a dating app. I might be wrong though. They have met in person before. He tells me they bonded over loves on the same bands and they have been writing to each other for a year or so about their lives and feelings. She is a drop dead gorgeous woman. Yes, I looked her up. And yes, it does make a difference. For what it’s worth, he’s also extremely attractive (that’s an objective view, not just my biased view). I’ve also seen her name come up on his WhatsApp notifications, so presumably they’re in touch outside of writing. When I questioned it, told me I didn’t need to worry because nothing could ever happen because “she lives too far away”. When I asked if that would change if she lived nearby, he said “hhmmmm. I’m not sure”. Presumably he at least means if I wasn’t in the picture, but still! I am deeply uncomfortable with this. I have let it lie for now because I’m honestly not sure what I can do about it. We’ve only been together 4 months and I don’t really want to rock the boat over something that could be benign. Everything else in our relationship is superb and we have been talking a lot about a future together, but this feels like an anomaly in that. I’d like to just put it out of my head and enjoy my relationship, but I fear I may raise it in anger one day, if I can’t get comfortable with it.

TheJinxMinx · 09/02/2025 16:59

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 15:37

“hhmmmm. I’m not sure

I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.

100% this not even a what no of course not im with you I want to be with you but a hmm not sure means there are feelings there itl essentially be an emotional affair of some sort and if they meet up may turn physical. It sounds like he was already "taken" before you met him and doesn't realize this but dont be second best

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:59

LoremIpsumCici

I didn’t say anything about shagging anyone’s brains out: I’m not that crude!

thecrispfiend · 09/02/2025 16:58

Not sure if this is relevant to you OP but I've just ended a 4 month relationship not due to a female friendship but due to the person love bombing me yet showing very little interest in my life or my family. I also started to notice he was selfish and had little consideration for others including his kids. I was aware while we were dating that he had a female friend where he'd pop round for pizza and to play Mario kart and (rightly or wrongly) I didn't bat an eyelid, I've never been cheated on and never been the suspicious type. Anyway within a month of me ending it he got in touch and I asked how he was getting on and he said "I'm dating again - can't do solitude - me and (female friend) are giving it a go" I was flabbergasted! But it also provided me with absolute certainty that I'd done the right thing ending it. I think you need to look around his life - how he treats others, his morals and values etc and make a decision from there. Good luck xx

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:57

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:53

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:49

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 16:41
LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:38
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 15:37
“hhmmmm. I’m not sure
I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.
**
Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him

Yes, really. The only thing stopping this “friendship” becoming a partnership is distance.

My husband and I were living together after 4 months. When it’s right, you know.
This isn’t right for OP. His heart is somewhere else.
**
I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

I don’t 🤷‍♀️ No it doesn’t. Love is an awful lot more than sex!

I agree love is more than sex, but my horny rabbits comment was specifically a reply to the shagging her brains out comment. It was not even tangential to your “me and my DH moved in after 4mos..”

MarkingBad · 09/02/2025 16:56

Their friendship may or may not inappopriate, a genuine friendship isn't inappropriate, but if you don't know what they say to each other you can't tell.

I would say it is more that you yourself perhaps are not in the right headspace for a relationship. If you've been cheated on and badly hurt, you may need time out of relationship mode to deal with it so you can give and receive love yourself.

His friendship isn't the issue here at the moment, however it was a shitty thing for him to say and doesn't sound like he currently thinks you are a long term GF because if he, did he wouldn't say it, he'd want to reassure you she is just a friend and only that, not just a friend because she lives elsewhere. If he is being honest, perhaps you have way more expectations of this relationship than him. In which case you should consider backing off and sorting out what is real or if you have plunged headlong into another relationship that could end with you feeling very hurt again.

He can't heal you or make you happy, it sounds like you are relying on him to be the one, but he can't be while you are suffering from previous issues, only you can do that.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:55

Frightodd · Today 16:51

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:49
I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

I do agree with this. If his heart is somewhere else, he’s the world’s best actor!

So why deeply uncomfortable? So much so that you ask the opinions of strangers?

Just ask him. Is he physically attracted to her?

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:55

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 16:51

I mean obviously. I wasn't suggesting he'd rape her if she happened to pop by, I was saying what he wants to be doing and as far as he's concerned distance is the only thing preventing it.

It doesn't really change how he feels about her though which is what OP has the issue with. Whether the thing stopping him is distance or the friend's lack of interest, OP is still the consolation prize in his mind.

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You’re saying what you assume he wants to be doing. He’s not given any indication of wanting a romantic relationship with his pen pal. You’re actually being cruel to OP by calling her second best and a consolation prize, like all the women in a man’s life are in some sort of sex competition to be his #1 girl.

Just like women, men are capable of having friends of the opposite sex which doesn’t take anything away from their partners/wives.

godmum56 · 09/02/2025 16:55

It doesn'tmatter what we think and if its a struggle now for to be ok with it then for me that would be a dealbreaker. Don't waste your time.

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2025 16:54

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:26

I was just thinking that the other way around is also really sad.

Ive been friends with men. I'd known them for a long time. Some since school.

I'd been friends with one of them for 8 years. Nothing romantic ever happened with us.

We were good friends. We did lots of activities (in a group) with other friends together every year.

The minute he got a girlfriend, I never saw him again. His girlfriend didn't like him having female friends.

Or maybe he told his GF he would shag you if you lived closer?

Its a different scenario

JonnyHoggIsKing · 09/02/2025 16:53

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:45

I don’t feel remotely like im second best. He treats me wonderfully. Like the pp, we also have both said it feel very right. If we didn’t have kids, I have no doubt we’d be talking about moving in together.

He didn’t hide anything about this woman nor has he indicated any feelings for her.

His “I don’t know” when I asked if he’d date her if they lived in the same country wasn’t wistful, he just shrugged it off. I chose not to ask any more questions at that point.

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OP firstly not at all here to argue or judge just went to help. 💐 You yourself said you were ‘deeply uncomfortable’ with the situation hence me making the conclusion you felt second best, maybe that was the wrong word, maybe a bit insecure?

If I was deeply uncomfortable, and in a situation like yours, early dating, I’d end it.

I’ve been in situations akin to what you describe and my gut was always right despite maybe myself trying to talk myself out of it or others. I had a guy who I was hugely in love with after 6 months I thought we were perfect with each other but unfortunately he was messaging his ex and sugar coating it as friendship which I fear is your situation, and I couldn’t be arsed with a life of that.

IMO life is too short to learn to live with others behaviour where they make you feel deeply uncomfortable and won’t change it.

People used to call me picky for ending things over stuff like this but I have a husband who loves and cherishes me and would never entertain a situation like this.

I really do wish you the best and I think you deserve more.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:53

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:49

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 16:41
LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:38
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 15:37
“hhmmmm. I’m not sure
I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.
**
Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him

Yes, really. The only thing stopping this “friendship” becoming a partnership is distance.

My husband and I were living together after 4 months. When it’s right, you know.
This isn’t right for OP. His heart is somewhere else.
**
I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

I don’t 🤷‍♀️ No it doesn’t. Love is an awful lot more than sex!

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:52

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 16:46

But this is a friend that he can’t guarantee wouldn’t spill over into an intimate relationship should they ever meet. His answer to OP’s question is all she needs to know.

Edited

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His answer was an honest answer.
Cheaters would be quick to say guarentees and promises.

JudgeBread · 09/02/2025 16:51

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:40

It’s not up to him. His friend would also have to be attracted to him that way. Bit presumptuous to think he’d be “shagging her brains out” like she is some sort of sex doll he need only pay customs duties on to import.

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I mean obviously. I wasn't suggesting he'd rape her if she happened to pop by, I was saying what he wants to be doing and as far as he's concerned distance is the only thing preventing it.

It doesn't really change how he feels about her though which is what OP has the issue with. Whether the thing stopping him is distance or the friend's lack of interest, OP is still the consolation prize in his mind.

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:51

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:49

I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

Show quote history

I do agree with this. If his heart is somewhere else, he’s the world’s best actor!

OP posts:

SaltyPig · 09/02/2025 16:51

He met her on a dating site and told you you're second best by that answer, otherwise he'd have simply said no. That would be enough for me to say goodbye.

ItGhoul · 09/02/2025 16:49

So it would be fine to write letters to someone ugly?

You’re.being weird.

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:49

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/02/2025 16:41

LoremIpsumCici · Today 16:38

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 15:37
“hhmmmm. I’m not sure
I wouldn’t be second best. That would be the end of it for me.
**
Really? He is supposed to be sooo much in love with OP after only 4mos that he must throw away long term friendships? It’s early days and OP is showing signs of jealousy and wanting to isolate him

Yes, really. The only thing stopping this “friendship” becoming a partnership is distance.

My husband and I were living together after 4 months. When it’s right, you know.

This isn’t right for OP. His heart is somewhere else.

I think your assumption is a massive stretch, and reduces complex humans to horny rabbits.

ginasevern · 09/02/2025 16:49

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:20

My male friend told me that all men want to have sex with their female friends.

They keep it at a friend level as they think the female friend doesn't want more.

But if the female friend ever said that she wanted more, the man would have sex with her in a second

Your male friend is (in most cases) right. I had good male friends and husbands of close female friends make a move on me when I was widowed. I'd known them for years without a hint of anything beyond friendship. Women kid themselves that their hetero male friends don't view them as potential shags, even if they never act on it.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 16:48

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:45

I don’t feel remotely like im second best. He treats me wonderfully. Like the pp, we also have both said it feel very right. If we didn’t have kids, I have no doubt we’d be talking about moving in together.

He didn’t hide anything about this woman nor has he indicated any feelings for her.

His “I don’t know” when I asked if he’d date her if they lived in the same country wasn’t wistful, he just shrugged it off. I chose not to ask any more questions at that point.

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So ask yourself why you didn’t probe further at that point.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 16:46

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:43

It doesn’t matter he met her on a dating site over a year before he met OP. It happens that you meet people who are lovely but end up in the friend zone. You can be good a decent in a relationship and keep your friends regardless of how you met them.

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But this is a friend that he can’t guarantee wouldn’t spill over into an intimate relationship should they ever meet. His answer to OP’s question is all she needs to know.

JonnyHoggIsKing · 09/02/2025 16:46

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:10

Just that I started dating a man who had a friend like this once.

And the relationship turned out to be a disaster.

He told me "All my exes complained about this female friend too"

Akin to “all my exes were crazy” the arseholes playbook

Original poster

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 16:45

JonnyHoggIsKing · 09/02/2025 16:41

You already feel second best and you’re only in the dating phase when people are typically on best behaviour. Run now before you’re in deeper. This is red flag central!

Edited

I don’t feel remotely like im second best. He treats me wonderfully. Like the pp, we also have both said it feel very right. If we didn’t have kids, I have no doubt we’d be talking about moving in together.

He didn’t hide anything about this woman nor has he indicated any feelings for her.

His “I don’t know” when I asked if he’d date her if they lived in the same country wasn’t wistful, he just shrugged it off. I chose not to ask any more questions at that point.

OP posts:

LoremIpsumCici · 09/02/2025 16:43

Briannaco · 09/02/2025 16:05

But he met this woman on a dating site.

Good decent men, when they get into a relationship, stop messaging women on dating sites.

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It doesn’t matter he met her on a dating site over a year before he met OP. It happens that you meet people who are lovely but end up in the friend zone. You can be good a decent in a relationship and keep your friends regardless of how you met them.

Rosscameasdoody · 09/02/2025 16:43

If this will ultimately be a long term relationship for you and BF then l think you need to keep an eye on things. If the pen pal contact keeps going l think you have to be wary of emotional involvement and consider what would happen if the opportunity to meet up should ever present itself. Personally his answer to your question would be enough for me - I’m nobody’s second fiddle and I’d get out now

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 16:43

Frightodd · 09/02/2025 15:41

Not upset. Uncomfortable. The thought of him writing private letters to a beautiful woman does indeed make feel odd.

But this is exactly why I’m asking if IABU, rather than giving him grief about it. MN is good for this kind of perspective.

Edited

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They likely have “intimate “face times.

I can see why you aren’t happy.