Is 45 too old to have a baby

It certainly would be for me. I'm 44 and in Peri so not likely to conceive naturally now. Physically and emotionally it would be too much for me but I did have my kids my 20s so the exhaustion is probably down to having kids already as well as all the hormonal changes I'm dealing with.

My choice is not someone else's and they may not have been ready until their 40s. Being financially stable and finally in a loving relationship are great reasons to wait for the right time. Having a baby when you are struggling for money or with a knobhead OH (that once you have kids, you are then attached to for life) is a much tougher deal.

So my advice is is the circumstances are right then go for it.

Yes in my opinion it is too old OP… I base this on having the oldest parents in the school. I have no memories of any grandparents, my own mother died at 60 and it tore me to shreds. I’m now early 40’s and have hardly any family left. My husband was the picture of health until he turned 42 and now he’s on 8 different medications and we will be lucky to have him around for another 10 years. Who would look after the young child if you were gone? It’s not just about the age you conceive, it’s how healthy you will be in the next 18 years. While health is never a guarantee, think about when people start developing more serious problems with their health generally. Think long and hard.

Very true.

DH is the result of "teen pregnancy" (a social disaster in the 70s bless her), and his mum died many years ago after years of ill health. She was never really a grandparent at all to our DC due to illness (and it has to be said, personality).

My DDad was late forties having me and didn't die until I was in my forties, having been a brilliant, present and interested grandparent right up until his very last month. (He was however a lot older than my mum and that has always been a bonus)

I don’t think you can appreciate how unfit some 20 year olds are

FWIW we know 2 of dc’s peers who had lost both parents (who were in their early-mid40s by the time they had left university)

Having children in your teens and early 20s doesn’t mean there is any guarantee of you being around for their wedding or having grandchildren

I got pregnant 1st time trying in my 40s and had no issue with tiredness or finding it a huge drag and ds was a live wire

But there again 20+ years later and I work with late teens/early 20s people and I am fitter and faster than virtually all of them. (Only ones that can out pace me are dd and ds who have much longer legs than I do)

I completely I understand the arguments about financial security and life experience.

But statiscally if you are in your 60s you are far more likely to become unwell or infirm than someone in their 30s no matter how unhealthily. Odds are still in your favour if you are healthy weight etc, but not less than someone 20 years year how could it be ?

If you can still have children & you want to have a baby then go for it. There are people in their later years far more healthy & fitter than those half their age. As I mentioned in a previous post I had a neighbour in a previous house who regularly in her late 70s & early 80s looked after her Grandchildren in preschool & after school. She was amazing.

I literally made it personal by saying 'I am too old at 38'. I didn't say others were. If I thought that, I would have said 'everybody is too old at 38'.

Absolutely not too old x

Exactly this. Agree that setting your own cutoff is one thing but telling others they are too old just isn’t nice. It’s such a personal decision.

but I can also really relate to the putting your life on hold to ttc mentality and this is really important for the OP. It’s very hard to make any plans when you are constantly hoping to be pregnant in the near future.

I had my 6th child at 38, am now almost 52.

Whilst I disagree that 38 is too old (obviously!) I think that setting your own limit on ttc is sensible and if it works for you then thats all that matters. It allows you to see your future in a different way, making concrete plans rather than holding on to "But we might be pregnant then......" uncertainty that trying and trying and trying gives you. Hope is the cruelest torment.

For MN purposes though, perhaps you might want to rephrase it as "I think that 38 is too old for ME to become a mother" rather than as a blanket "I dont want to at that age, so no one else should either".

@Cornflakes123 I agree. We had our dc at 35 and 40. I don't expect grandparents to look after my 4 year old and 4 month dcs! We moved miles away anyway. My mum is only 61 and I can depend on her for an emergency but wouldn't expect anything else

I agree, it's the least important consideration, but it is worth thinking about. Perhaps it is more about whether the child will actually have grandparents around long enough for them to have a connection and that relationship in their lives. I think this is even more important in small families where there aren't lots of other extended family members.

No one should be taking childcare as a grandparent into account when having a child that’s crazy. I don’t expect my parents to mind my dc. It’s not their responsibility.

@Spendysis I definitely think that's something Op is forgetting. Just how tying those early years are. And how stressful it is getting away from work to do pickups. The stress being stuck in traffic.

I think in your 40s with almost grown kids, time with a new partner it's time to enjoy the freedom of not having young children to consider. Be able to have off-peak holidays, long weekends all at the drop of a hat.

It’s all arbitrary isn’t it.

I had my kids at 31 and 33. But under 40 is all of a muchness to me - the kids will be finished school before you hit 60, the overall risk of abnormalities is still low.

Over 40 was my personal cut off and I think it’s madness to consider it at 45.

Thank you. And yes agree there are lots of things to consider carefully before deciding to have a child. We all ultimately just want the best for our children (that we have / plan to have).

It depends on your circumstances I personally couldn't think of anything worse starting again at that age but I am 47 with a 23 and 20 year old struggling with perimenopause but enjoying the freedom of not having young dc being able to go out without them or arranging a babysitter me and dh have just booked our first holiday abroad without them we've had a few uk breaks but everyone is different

Yikes I didn't know that. I remember a school friend having her second baby at about 18, baby had Downs.
I thought it was a very unusual and unlucky occurrence.

I couldn't believe the difference and mine will not even be two years apart. I have felt like a different person.

When me and DH were trying for our second child we decided that if I hadn’t conceived by the time he was 35 (he was slightly older than me) then we’d stop trying as we wouldn’t want to have a child past that age. We felt that anything over that age was pushing it in terms of being older parents (which neither of us wanted), and nor did we want to take on the increased risks of abnormalities in the infant.

I had dd in my early twenties and ds late thirties. I was so exhausted with ds i could not believe the difference..

Honestly couldn't imagine anything worse

The thing is though, and this maybe comes with maturity, to recognise that life isn't fair. Maybe a woman doesn't meet her partner until later in life, or struggles with her fertility, but that still doesn't mean she is entitled to a child. Sometimes you have to let dreams go and put somebody else first (i.e the potential child) and think about the life they will have.

Important things to consider:

• What kind of life would my child have if born with disabilities (which are more common with older parents).
• Who will be my child's family outside of their parents. Will they have siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins. A network of people who will sustain family connections into adulthood.
• What would happen to my child if I (and or) my partner were to die.
• Will I be young enough to provide childcare for any potential grandchildren. With the ever increasing cost of living, the child (as an adult) is likely to need to be in full time work, which means they will either have to pay for childcare (expensive) or rely on family.

I wouldn’t have wanted to live with a 15 year old when I was 60.