Is 45 too old to have a baby

I think saying that someone is on the older side is one thing, but calling women “selfish” for doing so is another and is what upsets people.

It is upsetting to perceive that someone is calling you selfish, but from a lot of people’s perspective, for some very sound reasons and personal experiences that have been laid out in this thread, it IS a selfish decision when you are in the position described by the OP. I don’t think anyone has said that ALL older parents are selfish, but someone choosing to become a parent (especially for the second time) at such an age is not doing it for altruistic reasons, and when you look at the potential downsides or problems, it is arguably a selfish choice.

I dunno - most kids, if parented adequately, just want their own parent. My father was extremely unwell when I was in my teens, I didn't wish I had a different dad.

I wonder how many 15yo really want a 60yo or older parent?

Edit to add: no father is just as involved in the parenting process as the mother. 😂I mean come on. Who has the baby?

Parenting process (slightly weird turn of phrase but ok) is presumably more than the pregnancy and breastfeeding bit. Given that DH has been a SAHD since DS was one, and he's now 10, I think that counts as being just as involved as me - and I breastfed until DS was 3 and a half.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in being 60 with a 15 year old.
I mean it’s not like you’re carrying them up & down stairs or having to run around with them at the park.

I'm sure nobody meant they're as involved with the birthing and breastfeeding. 🙄

I am sure others have said this, but the time to do it for the other child was when they were much younger. They will be flying the nest in a blink of an eye. Perhaps that is what you are anticipating even though it might be 4 years away. It is a very difficult "hole" to navigate. I would suggest that instead of planning a baby you start planning for the life you wish to live once the nest is empty. It means finding yourself again, reacquainting yourself with the person you used to be before you became a mother, but now much older. It's a difficult task, but life does throw these "opportunities" our way. If you don't run away from it (by having another baby) you might find it ends up being completely amazing.

I can tell you that the aging process seems to speed up a lot more quickly after 50. At 50 I was in a full time job and doing a lot of overtime. I would have easily managed a 5 year old. My point was not that the OP would not be able to manage a baby or young child, just that when you are 60, you get TIRED!! Add in a hormonal teenager and life would be difficult. I am aware that not all parents would find it hard, but it would not be a life I would choose!

There will always be people who it worked out OK for. The families who had kids in their 40s and made it into their 80s still with good health.
And TBH that's what we all hope life will be like for us. Good health well into retirement.

They'll also be the people who had kids in their 40s, who died in their mid 50s and early 60s. Leaving a young adult children behind.

And the people in between, those who are ill or incapacitated before they hit 70, but who struggle on. I know at least 3 people who took Dementia in their 60s.

I think saying that someone is on the older side is one thing, but calling women “selfish” for doing so is another and is what upsets people. I’m assuming most older mothers did not choose to be in that situation and did not just wait until they were 45 and decide they really fancied having a baby but their life just turned out differently to what they had planned. Though I guess you could say the same about very young mothers too.

appreciate the OP is talking about a potential second child though and is therefore in a different situation. But I imagine many women could also feel regret at not giving their child a sibling which is why you can often see quite large age gaps.

Try 20. A number of my friends became grandparents in their early 40s. Quite a few of them are great grandparents in their late 60s.

Maybe I should inform the family in my road.

The dad was 45 when the younger of two was born. He was 40 when the first was born. I think they married when he was 35.

The child is 5 and he's 50. They appear fit, energetic and are always busy with their young family.

45 may be ok to have a baby. I’m 75 and I can tell you that it’s not ok to be 60 with a 15 year old!!!

I don't know why people are taking comments about being 'too old' so personally. Being too old to have a baby doesn't mean you're a grave dodger. It just mean you're on the old side to do that particular activity which is overwhelmingly done by people younger than you for good reasons.

DS2 (10) is too old to start training as a jockey. DS1 (16) is too old to become a Premier League footballer. A woman in her mid 40s is too old to start thinking about having a baby. Caveats apply in all cases of course but in 99% of cases this is the truth.

The denial of the ageing process is strong in this thread.

Edit to add: no father is just as involved in the parenting process as the mother. 😂I mean come on. Who has the baby?

grandparent age?? maybe 200 years ago!

Yes I agree.

Of course many fathers are just as involved and hands on (as is my own husband who actually does far more night wake ups than me despite working more, as he's the preferred parent at night) but I think it's fair to say that is not the norm yet. I don't have a single friend with a partner anywhere near as hands on - and most have careers, work FT and - gasp - earn as much as them. Despite this, they seem to do a lot more of the domestic/parenting load. We still have a long way to go to make men and women equal in parenting sadly.

To deny this is the case is only sweeping it under the carpet far more than it already bloody is. It needs addressing and it never will be if people say it's sexist to point out the bleeding obvious that women tend to shoulder most of this load.

Oh, then she will reach parenting burnout like the rest of us soon.

Mine are 16 and 10.

I couldn't think of anything worse than having a new baby at this stage.

It's not her first, she already has a 14 yr old

It's not an ideal age, however it is your choice, in your position I'd go for it.

It's a lovely experience. My friend had a baby at 47, she had regrets not having a child and decided to do it alone at 46.

The little girl is 11 now and they're so happy, like a team, as it is your first, you'll find the energy to enjoy it.

Best of luck.

Absolutely brilliant on all accounts & not unusual. I'm amazed at the amount of people who believe if women give birth in their 40s they assume the mother will be a physical wreck in their 50s & 60s & worse they won't live to see their child into adulthood. My Grandmother had her last child at around 46. She remained mobile & relatively well until she died from heart problems at 94. My auntie also had her last child in her mid 40s. I realise not everyone is the same but you can't assume everyone becomes physically unable to work & raise children once they reach their 40s, 50s & beyond. It may be more tiring although parenting at any age can be exhausting.

With a few exceptions, I've found that people (men and women) who did not go into further education had kids younger, while people who did go into further education tended to have them later. The latter generally seemed to have a timescale in their minds of 'married by around 30, kids soon after".

If the couple was a mix of the two situations - they tended to default to the longer timescale.
(And occasionally I've seen one half of a couple that didn't go into further education as young people, go into further education after they had their kids).

I have to say, though, that I wonder how purposeful/planned it was - on the part of the men who had kids young. Some may have done it purposefully but I got the impression in many cases that the first child was a surprise (to him anyway) and any further kids were then agreed upon so as not to have big gaps etc. I don't know what percentage of them truly planned and agreed upon having kids in their twenties, especially early twenties.

@AlertCat also I meant it’s sexist to criticise women more for having children later and not criticise men because they “don’t do as much of the parenting “ when this is NOT completely universal nor should it be.

Agree that’s why I said I appreciate not everyone is the same.

My dad did a lot of parenting. I also have a good friend who’s an equal parent to his children. My dd’s dad chose to do other things (he is my ex now). One example (or two or three) doesn’t prove a rule.

From speaking to friends with kids, almost universally the women are doing far more of the parenting and the domestic mental load than the men. Saying that isn’t sexist, or condoning it, far from it, but pretending it’s not the societal norm means we can’t even address it as a problem.

I agree that women should not be held to a different standard than men wrt family planning and age, but that said, it impacts on women much more as they are doing the pregnancy and going through the birth and possibly breastfeeding. Then you get to the life-long parenting as I discussed above. The OP has asked about having a baby as a single woman, which is reflected in the comments being made.

Having kids is a selfish act regardless of the age of the parent. I have a dc myself but I do think it’s true.