Is 45 too old to have a baby

Don't do it. It would be total self indulgence.

@Spanielsaremad presumably I don't know your nan!

Yes it's unfair.

Isn't that quite a slippery slope? Is it fair to have dc of you smoke? Is it fair to have dc if you can't fund a house deposit etc? What's fair and unfair?

I'm going to say usually, yes. I'm sure there are exceptional cases.

Its unlikely to happen naturally and there's probably a good evolutionary reason for that.

Personally I’d say no, but that’s my opinion. My own mother is only 3 years older than you and finds my DD, age 2, very exhausting for even a rare couple of hours. She’s struggling with perimenopause. MIL is mid 50s with a pre-teen and is struggling massively with parenting/career/menopause. It looks utterly miserable and not something I’d choose for myself. These are just my observations but I’d think beyond the conception and pregnancy, if it’s something you’re strongly considering.

I think it's very common for women in their 40s to crave another baby and have another chance at motherhood. For 30 years you've had the potential of becoming pregnant and when that opportunity is about to disappear there's a (subconscious) last minute desire to grow your family.

Yeah, a lot of women in the past who 'had babies at 45' were actually pretending they were their grandchildren's mother. Or in the case of my great aunt, adopting a 14 year old relative's baby.

My nan was 38 when I was born

For me , yes , but I'd had my 2 by the age of 25 and in my circumstance that was a good thing because I also had an early menopause by 40 .
What is your situation ? Are you hoping for a natural conception , or ivf , maybe donor sperm ?
Are you going alone or have a partner ? What's your living situation ? Have you got a good fallback in regard to childcare ? Family / friends etc .
By the age of 45 , you've settled into your life and how you do things , are you prepared for that to be thrown up in the air ?

Find other routes to fulfillment.

I’m considering transferring a frozen embryo soon to try for a sibling for my (also IVF) toddler DS - and on the slim chance it works would mean I’d be nearly 45 by the time he/she is born. So no, on basic principle I don’t think 45 is too old - I know quite a few people in their early or even mid 40’s with babies or toddlers. There are both pros as well as cons to being or even having an older parent imo.

And tbh “old” now is not what it used to be - I suspect the retirement age will move up to 70 sooner rather than later and anecdotally the majority of older people I know don’t seem to even look “elderly”, let alone develop serious age related issues till mid 70’s if not 80’s.

This is all with the big caveat that obviously you need to plan ahead, even more than younger parents should. Sort out life insurance and a will - who would look after the kid/s if something happened to you? Do you have trusted younger siblings or is your partner younger? It’s worth having the “what if” chat with them so you are all in agreement.

I’m also assuming you are talking about trying naturally and/or with your own eggs. It’s not a great chance by 45 obviously so if you are considering donor conception, then that’s further complications again (so worth getting advice from the UK Donor Conception Network charity imo).

So ageist.

There are lots of couples where the man was 45 when they had a child.
In fact someone in my road had their first at 40 and the 2nd at 45. Wife was slightly younger.

It's not that long ago that women had children right up to the menopause, so having a child in your 40s wasn't rare.

It's far better than having one at 20 when you're not mature or likely to be financially stable.

It depends on so many factors.
Are you generally fit and healthy?
I'm older than you and have 3 dcs, 2 of which are at secondary school and I feel I still have the energy to deal with a baby if I suddenly had to (though I don't want another at all!)
You could live a healthy and active life into your late 80's or even into your 90's.
If you're not as healthy as you could be then you may have to put more thought into it.
As a pp has mentioned, the dc may not fill this gap you're feeling now. They may have additional needs. Would you have the energy for that?

I had one when I was 44. He was an unexpected miracle after being told that chemo meant no more kids. I did have a full blood screening when pregnant to check for issues and it did come back clean but I know I would have had to go ahead anyway. Don't get me wrong - I was saying to my mum yesterday that I am probably more exhausted than I realise I am (also run my own business) as he is 3 now and is properly full on. However, I couldn't imagine life with him.

I don't know.....I'm 38 and currently pregnant with my 4th child.

Because I know quite a few healthy, happy kids born to mums over 45 I’m afraid I have to hard disagree with this post. Sorry.

ive know enough over 45 mums where its worked out really well for all concerned

Yes it's unfair.

Parenting in to you 50s early 60s no thank you.
My baby is 22 this year and im 38 would not change it for the world but nothing could get me to have another no thank you.
At 45 you ill be still parenting in to your early 60s.
I love my freedom.

I had my kids at 41 which isn't much difference in age from you. so I think it's fine - but the bigger issue is whether or not you are comfortable using donor eggs?

Do you really want to be dealing with a teenager at university/doing A-levels as well as a screaming newborn?

@FKAT

I know plenty of grandparents in their 40s. It used to be common until recently.

when was it common to be a gp in your 40s?

If you want to, do it. Grandmother had last 41, aunt had last 41, me month before 42, niece 45. All fine. All loved. No problems. Currently looking after grandchildren 1 and 4 ! Definitely more tiring now.

Do you think they regret it ?

I'm not baiting, I just think that if I was your uncle I'd be happy to still have family after my wife passed and not just be alone, and if I was your aunt I'd be glad to have experienced that love and to leave something of me behind after I died.

Their life is probably harder than if they didn't have kids (this is the case for most parents !) but that doesn't mean it's worse. My life is much harder, but also much better, for having kids.

If I was them I might regret not having them sooner, but I wouldn't regret having them.

I think you would need to be mentally robust, financially secure and have a good support system because the chances of things going wrong are high and you'll need additional resources to get through it. Miscarriage, abnormalities and stress on your body are more likely than not at this point.

Yes, it is unfair on the child, as is creating another human being just to fill a 'hole' in your life. Fill the hole with something else or learn to live with it.