Is 45 too old to have a baby

I had DS at 44. He wasn't planned - he's now 14 and I'll be 59 this year. I don't regret having him, and in my case it meant having the best of both worlds, but I realise that it's not the same for everyone. Having said that, I wouldn't have planned to have a baby at 44. But what I will say is that I am in a much better place than I was in my 20s and 30s. I feel much better equipped to deal with my son's teen angst at my age now, than I would have in my 30s and 40s even. I am definitely more self-assured and self-confident. Funnily enough, I seem to be the mum that his friends come to with their problems. I don't beat myself up over the fact that I'm an older mother, I just make the most of it. There are positives and negatives in parenting at all ages.

I am the child of a 45year old mother. Lost my dad tragically a couple of years later and spent my childhood worrying about my mother’s health. My children never had a real relationship with my mum due to age and ill health. She died when they were young. I would never have a child at this age.

It’s the opposite with me.

My mum decided to move closer to me, probably for the same reasons you gave, and it’s just made it worse. Now that she’s closer she expects me to be even more “on hand” than I was before, and experts to see me a lot more because there is no reason not to anymore, i.e the issue of distance no longer exists.

This feeling of being “needed” and being responsible for my mother’s well-being just weighs heavy on me sometimes, and I imagine it would be so much worse if I was only 20 and having to navigate this kind of scenario.

Lots of things can bring joy if you're prepared to find them. You don't have spout some nonsense.

You'd be starting to think of retirement when they're 18 or so. You'd be quite old for navigating all the horrible parts when kids start pushing the boundaries. And for your kids, you'll be one of the oldest parents out of all parents of their peer group. As much as they would love you, you won't be down with the kids on the block by then. You'll be worrying about your pension, grey hairs and getting into those comfy elastic- waisted slacks. Not cool. Sozzle OP, just my view on it.

In my family the average onset of menopause was 60...I'm 47 and absolutely no sign of dropping fertility, so it's not a one size fits all.

I wouldn’t like to say whether 45 is too old to have a baby but I would like to say that I am utterly mystified the number of people who say they are exhausted in their 40s and would be far too tired to parent a teenager in their 60s. Why? I am 63 and could cope fine with a teenager. I was certainly fitter and more energetic in my 50s than I had ever been. Not just me but everyone else I know. There are perhaps lots of reasons not to have a child after your mid 40s but none of them to do with being physically incapable. Honestly, if you feel exhausted in your 40s and 50s start eating and properly!

What happens to childless couples, then? Are they just left to rot in the gutter?

No, they don't regret it. They tried for 20 years to have kids and the late IVF was successful due to medical advances.

Menopause and cancer have just made parenting very tough and not the experience they hoped for.

It's just quite tough for my cousins to have older parents who are finding it exhausting. They do have a large bank balance though so the boys don't want for anything, but that's obviously not a substitute for time/attention. My uncle is often abroad on business due to the nature of his well paid job.

I just worry about what will happen if the cancer treatment isn't successful.

It’s not really just about your expectations though it’s also about the child and their feelings. My parents would never “expect” me to care for them but if I knew they were struggling, getting older, health issues etc then I wouldn’t have been happy to, for example, move away for uni or go travelling, I’d have wanted to be with them while they were still here and help them however I could.

Even normal teenage things like nights out, if I lived with my mum in her 60’s I probably wouldn’t have wanted to go out and come home at 2am, if I could see her starting to struggle with things I’d have felt guilty about leaving or going about my own life because I’d have felt I had to help her, I’d be making very different choices if I thought she needed me, even if she never explicitly said she did.

I had my 2nd dc at 42 and while she is my absolute world, I now realise conceiving her was my last hormonal hurrah before my ovaries gave up the ghost So I would say at 45 you are looking headlong at peri and menopause and nobody knows how that will go for them. 45 and 50 you are likely still in the fag end of youth imo and can do anything in the world. 55+ however can be a whole different story.

Rubbish. I couldn’t have children but have plenty of joy in my life!

People do bat an eye when the father is older. However, it's not the father who has to take the risks of an advanced age pregnancy.

Also adding that my DC will be losing the last two of their grandparents this year. That's another gem I've saddled them with by deferring having children until my late 30s.

Depends on your situation. People used to have children at this age quite regularly, given the lack of contraception. Children also died regularly so I guess it wasn't quite the same calculation it is now, where we only think about parents dying when children are still under 30. Used to be quite normal. My husband was 43 when we had our last unintended baby. But given life expectancy is now 82, doesn't really seem that unreasonable.

My mum and dad were both born when their parents were aged 42/43 ish. They both lost their dads in their 30s but didn't lose their mums until they were 49 and 51. As I approach that age myself I realise it's actually quite young to have lost both parents. But the advantage for my parents was that their 50s onwards have been their time - no elderly parents to worry about, and me and my siblings were already adults. In contrast, they have friends whose retirement years have been dominated by care of elderly parents. So there's pluses and minuses.

I disagree. Part of the responsibility of bringing up children is ensuring that you don't become a millstone around their neck when they are trying to make their own way in the world. To do this involves making careful plans for your own old age care, and making it very clear to your adult children through your words and actions that you have done so, so that the relationship is maintained out of love and not duty.

Perhaps part of all that means that you as the elderly parent upend your own life to live closer to your adult childen to make it easier to maintain that relationship with you if they have their own demanding jobs or a partner and live many miles away, or even in another country.

If you're not prepared to plan and be flexible about your living arrangements in your old age then don't moan that you hardly see your adult children.

The stress on adult children arises when the elderly person absolutely refuses to change their life in any way, making it very difficult for relatives, who may well WANT to help in practical ways, to do so easily.

I conceived at 41. I would have been just turned 42 when baby born. Due to my age I came out as ‘high risk’ for Down’s syndrome at the 12 week scan ( babies NT measurement well within range ) But back then there was no nipty or anything so it was invasive testing or nothing if you wanted to know for sure
I had the CVS test and sadly miscarried approximately a week later. Doctors said they’ll never know for sure if CVS caused the miscarriage but if it did I was just the unlucky one. Baby didn’t have Down’s syndrome.
it’s a decision I’ll regret for the rest of my life.

Get a puppy instead!

Perhaps you could fill that "hole" with really wonderful things that will nurture and delight you in the way you imagine a baby will.

Too old.
I'm 29 and already thinking I've left too much of a gap to have another one, already have a 4 year old.
School run is knackering, we never have any time or money, no lie ins anymore and both of us working.
Combined with general life stresses and ds and dh health issues, no chance of coping with another.
I love my son but I think having one in your 40s would be a nightmare, not to mention being surrounded by all the young mums on the school run, they would think you are a granny.

OP I think this is really subjective, in relation to your free time, energy levels, youthfulness. I am 39 with a 3&1 year old and I’m honestly exhausted all the time. I didn’t meet my husband in time to have children much earlier than we did but I couldn’t fathom having a baby at almost 40 because I know for me I just do not have the energy. However I have friends who are still having children at 40ish because they know they have time and energy to commit to those first difficult years. Very best of luck whatever you chose.

That is so true. My mum was a home help in later life, after years as a bookkeeper. She didn't drive and walked between clients' houses. She only stopped working at 74 when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Some of the so-called elderly people she was caring for were younger than her. Genetics, lifestyle and plain old luck all play their part.

Nothing will give you so much joy as a baby! My great-grandmother had her seventh baby (two died in infancy) in abject poverty in Germany, at 52. No social help, no washing machines, no disposable nappies, no maternity leave, no women's rights. Just saying.

I’m 47 and I would not want to be caring for a 2yo (or, frankly, a 4yo). I’m fit and active but very much more aware of higher levels of aches and pains than even 5 years ago, being more introverted, more tired, and really enjoying the freedom to pursue my own hobbies and interests. Perimenopause is a real thing and at 42 I didn’t realise the effect it would have on me.

I also can’t imagine wanting or being able to meet the needs of a teenager in my 60s.

Then there is the question of health expectancy- I have known fit and well 60yo who were dead at 66. Sorry to be blunt, but that’s a factor. It’s always horrible when we lose people we love, but losing a parent has got to be worse if you’re 21 than if you’re 31 or 41.

Then there are the higher risks of having a child with additional needs, a more difficult/higher risk pregnancy and birth, plus the impact on your existing child and your relationship with them.

So overall I would say count your blessings and get a kitten, or an allotment, or something else to fill the hole you perceive in your life; and don’t try for a baby.