Is 45 too old to have a baby

I honestly don't know why some PPs think 40s is so shocking to be a grandparent. I don't understand how people are so ignorant of very recent history. Until the past couple of decades the average woman started having children in their early 20s if not earlier. Most of my peers in the working class area I grew up in had mothers who gave birth at 19/20.

2nd wave baby boomers were all born in mid-late 60s - because they were the daughters / sons of baby boomers born after WW2 in the mid-40s. And they (on average) went on to have children in the 80s/90s. This would make 45 year old grandparents fairly common.

My own baby boomer mother (a late starter at 28) was a grandmother by 51.

Just because our generation goes to the gym, has equal pay and facials doesn't mean we've somehow moved back the window of fertility.

Yes, I would say so.

Tune it all out OP and go with your own background and factors. One of the mums in my eldest's class primary was 45 when she had her only child. (I'm sure some of the other mums I know had babies around this age too, but don't advertise the fact!) She is one of the slimmest, fittest and most youthful of the mums. They are financially comfortable and live in a nice house though. Honestly, female fertility and menopause age is quite variable and life expectancy is very variable. For some women, menopause by 46 is normal. For some people a life expectancy of late 60's would be average for their family. This is why it gets tricky asking others for advice in this sort of situation! To be blunt, some people seem pretty old at 45-50!

I know someone who became a grandmother at 31. She was 16 and then her DD 15.

But 40's is not at all unusual to be a grandparent. Perhaps it is beoming less common now but I would say up until about 20 years ago was the most common age to be a a grandparent.

I am 44 with no kids and would feel very able to do it for the first time, much more so than I would have been at a younger age as I am now much more emotionally secure, professionally successful and financial stable. I am not in a relationship so won't be doing it, but would support a friend who did. My mum is in her 70s and very active, fit and engaged with the world. She could easily have parented a teen in her 60s.

Someone born in 1991 is 34… I think we can all agree that’s either untrue or not exactly ideal.

Grandparent age?! What on earth, it’s nowhere near the age most people would become grandparents, surely by at least a decade maybe two?

I’m 60.
Had my 4th at 45.
My best friend from Uni had her only child at 45 after long ivf journey.

We don’t feel old. My experience is that children have kept me physically active, and very involved in their education, engagement in community, music, events and we are all really close. I have no resentment about missing out on career or travel because I did all that before kids.

I’ve never once seriously thought …. I’m too old to be a good parent.

Yes I think it's way too old but it's up to you.

I saw a baby the other day whose grandad was born in 1991.

It bothers me people saying "Oh 65 isnt old, my neighbour is 84 and fitter than me blah blah" its Uncle Norman syndrome.

Because no matter how much we dont like it, it IS a fact that as people age they are more likely to suffer illness and disability. That may be an uncomfortable fact, but it is a fact! No it wont happen to everyone but it is far more likely that a teenager will be in a situation with an ill, disabled or even dead parent who is in their 60's than one in their 30's or 40's. Yes it can and does happen to much younger people but it is far less likely.

I am 51 and very much aware of the effect aging is having on me, I have seen my own father go from fit healthy and working full time as a Director of an international company to profoundly deaf, almost blind with other issues as well, in 5 short years. Now he is virtually housebound. It happens.

We like to think that we will always be this young, this fit, this able but its simply not the case and to blindly go ahead and have a child without considering this basic truth would be selfish to say the least.

Op yes you need to move on with your life. You need to grieve for the baby that will never be. Let go of that dream.

It almost sounds like your struggling with empty nest syndrome too, your teen becoming less needy in a childish way.

Focus on supporting your DC into exams and adulthood.
A new stepdad and a new baby, could be beyond unsettling for your teen.

Find a new partner and enjoy your time with them. You may also have stepchildren to consider. If you find a partner. Also many men wouldn't want to start again with babies in their mid 40s either.

not too bad. But she discovered sport in her 30s and became a top level competitive masters swimmer. So her 30s and 40s she was very fit and had followed a very good diet and lifestyle program, and felt way younger.
She swam until the day before her birth (induced but perfectly healthy) and was back in the pool 10 days later. Started competing again 5 months later. Obviously slower but still in good shape and mentally very sound.

I’ve posted on similar threads before about my experience - born to older parents, became their carer in my early twenties, orphaned young, strained relationship with older sibling who was a teenager when I came along. It’s a topic I feel very strongly about because of my own history,

Bottom line, it’s your decision and from the tone of your responses I don’t think you want to be talked out of it. You say that you don’t expect the child to spend the best years of their life caring for you but who else is there other than your children that you would expect to do this? Asking one to take more responsibility for this than the other due to their ages is setting up problems in the sibling relationship that can be very damaging.

If you do go ahead my advice would be to sort your care plans out in advance. If you don’t want your child to have to care for you then put some mechanisms in place so they don’t have to.

The risks of various disabilities do increase, as does the risk of miscarriage.

Yes it is imo.

This. Nobody is fitter at 60 than they were at 20 (unless, as you say, there were very unusual circumstances). Otherwise these posters are delusional. Agreed too about men fathering kids at 45. They don't have to push another human out of their bodies or latch them onto their nipples, and that's just for starters.

(Oh…. P.S I wouldn’t have had a baby if I already had a 14 year old. For lots of reasons including supporting them through GCSEs and A levels and forming the last few years of family holidays with them not in a toddler-centric bubble )

I had a 5 year old when I was 45 but I still know FAR more women who were grandparents by their mid 40s than women who were giving birth in their mid 40s. And I'm definitely in the cohort (middle class north London) where older mothers are common.

A lot of denial and class privilege on this thread. Yeah there are some 60 year olds who are running marathons and launching their own fashion start ups but the fact is 61/62 is the healthy life expectancy in the UK. Most people will have started to have health issues. It is not ageist to point out that older parents are far more likely to have ill health than younger ones. It is also not sexist to point out that there is a massive difference between fathering a child at 45 and mothering a child at 45.

"I'm much healthier and fitter at 60 than 20!" Unless you were an obese heroin addict in your 20s, I very much doubt it.

Don't fill holes in YOUR life by creating entirely new people.

Holes require therapy. Not babies.

Yes, it's too old. You'll be 60 when they're 15 and that's not funny either for you or the child. The baby stands a higher risk of disabilities and the effects on your own health too. Also, you have to consider your 14 year old. My brother and I have a similar age gap and we barely know each other to be honest. I also can't imagine that any 14 year old is going to be absolutely thrilled at the arrival of a screaming baby.

I would never ask this question on here, this type of question seems to attract lots of people who finished having kids earlier and cannot see why anyone else wouldn't do the same as them.
It really, really comes down to your personal circumstances. If you have a home with little or no mortgage left to pay, money coming in from savings/investments and or career (with flexibility), good health and fitness, good support from partner/friends/family, relatives who tend to live till 80 + in fairly good health? - fantastic, why wouldn't you go for it, I'd say! But the fewer of these factors you have, then the less of a good idea this becomes...

If your body is up for it and you feel you have the energy, resources and support, go for it!

I had my youngest at 43, was not exhausted, have been a very active parent, provider of energetic adventures, have longstanding school gate friendships that have become family friends. No teen trauma.

Do think about your planned retirement age and support through Uni, and plan for that. It’s brutal not having a few years to save after they leave home.

(I had no difficulty getting pregnant, no issues, and did not use IVF secretly or otherwise. 3 women in the ante natal group I attended were 40+ . But you can’t guarantee it, obviously)

So many people in denial about the 40s being grandparent ages.
If someone has a baby in their early 20s, then that child has their own baby in their 20s, then the grandparent will be in their 40s. Totally normal.

Yes, totally normal for Victorian times - and women then went on to either die in childbirth or to keep producing babies until the menopause. How many women have babies in their early twenties now? The average age for first-time mothers in the UK is 30.9 years. With improvements in healthcare, most of us stay younger longer.

There is a level of judgement about women having children later in life that you simply don't get with men. And it's not just to do with the physical side of giving birth; there's a vague disapproval based on the idea that those women are somehow selfish because they waited. Absolute nonsense.

You have an absolutely minute chance of getting and staying pregnant at 45.

Sure, we all know someone who managed it. But LOTS of them (and I include EVERY female celeb you might name) are using donor eggs in secret.

I have one friend currently pregnant at 45 and very shocked as she thought she was menopausal.