Page 11 | Is 45 too old to have a baby

Catontoof · 2025-02-09T12:22:20+00:00

is this fair on a child? I am seriously considering this as I feel like therr has been a huge hole in my life.

NatterNatter50 · 09/02/2025 20:41

pastapeteliketoeat · 09/02/2025 20:34

For me, personally, 45 is miles too old to have a baby. Imagine having a 15 year old at 60. Yikes.

Not for me.

I think it's quite selfish, actually.

So women who don’t meet a partner until their 40s or have fertility issues taking them years and years to conceive are “selfish”? So insulting.

Cornflakes123 · 09/02/2025 20:36

Strawberriesandpears · 09/02/2025 20:00

I think it is too old. The only slightly positive thing is that at least the child wouldn't be an only, so would have some chance of sibling support if you died young. They wouldn't be left entirely alone in the world. Although would it be fair to your 14 year old to potentially have to be responsible for a much younger sibling as just a young adult themself?

I am 38. I would love a child, but I won't he having one, as I am too old and I don't have any wider family for my potential child (my partner and I are both only children). It breaks my heart, I am grieving for the family I will never have and I am terrified of ending up all alone in the world. But none of that matters - the child comes first.

I don’t understand this. My mother had me at 38. I didn’t even notice she was an older mum until I was an adult and we still have a great relationship. I’m pregnant at 38. It’s not unusual at all being pregnant at 38. Perhaps you have your other reasons but I think saying 38 is too old is ridiculous and insulting frankly.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 09/02/2025 20:35

pastapeteliketoeat · 09/02/2025 20:34

For me, personally, 45 is miles too old to have a baby. Imagine having a 15 year old at 60. Yikes.

Not for me.

I think it's quite selfish, actually.

100% this. ^

pastapeteliketoeat · 09/02/2025 20:34

For me, personally, 45 is miles too old to have a baby. Imagine having a 15 year old at 60. Yikes.

Not for me.

I think it's quite selfish, actually.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/02/2025 20:32

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 09/02/2025 20:22

Hopefully.

Show quote history

Why? Does it impact on your personally??!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/02/2025 20:32

lovingmememe · 09/02/2025 20:12

My friend said the older mum hype is coming to an end like the big brows.

Do you believe everything your friend says? Is your friend some kind of expert?

I'd hardly be comparing fertility with big brows fgs!

It's not "hype" either. Sometimes the stars don't align for women to have their children and I definitely do not see this as some kind of 'trend' that is going to go away. That's ludicrous!!!

Redbushteaforme · 09/02/2025 20:28

I had mine at just short of 43 and just short of 47. I am nearly 61 now and they are 18 and 14. I would gave preferred to have had them when I was younger but this is how it worked out and it has been fine so far. They keep me young, mentally and physically.

You do need to think through the risks, though, and be prepared to accept these and anticipate them.

JumpinJellyfish · 09/02/2025 20:24

@Strawberriesandpears 38 is definitely not too old! OP is talking about 45 which is a whole different ballgame.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/02/2025 20:22

MercurialButton · 09/02/2025 20:13

I think you will find that in the UK the majority of special needs are not related to parental age.
Most are related to
premature birth babies can survive very early, but not without complications
maternal illness during pregnancy
substance abuse
marrying first cousins
IVF
chromosomal issues not related to age - just unlucky - imperfect egg or imperfect sperm got together.

Maternal age will be a small percent of the total of special needs.

Show quote history

Chromosomal imbalances are more common in very young ( less than 18) and older ( more than 34/35) in both men and women.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 09/02/2025 20:22

lovingmememe · 09/02/2025 20:12

My friend said the older mum hype is coming to an end like the big brows.

Hopefully.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/02/2025 20:20

overthinkersanonnymus · 09/02/2025 20:14

@PyongyangKipperbang I'm not arsed about being shot down one bit.

As someone who is still trying for a baby at 38, the risk is increasing month by month for disabilities etc. that's why my cut off will be December this year.

As someone who had a baby aged 40, the risks are still more in your favour than against!

I remember my consultant once citing the odds of Down's and he said, "you'd bet on a horse with odds like that wouldn't you?"! Which was very true!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/02/2025 20:19

Newposter180 · 09/02/2025 18:26

Someone born in 1991 is 34… I think we can all agree that’s either untrue or not exactly ideal.

Show quote history

Yes he had a daughter at 18, she has had a baby at 15 (baby was born last year).

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/02/2025 20:18

Strawberriesandpears · 09/02/2025 20:00

I think it is too old. The only slightly positive thing is that at least the child wouldn't be an only, so would have some chance of sibling support if you died young. They wouldn't be left entirely alone in the world. Although would it be fair to your 14 year old to potentially have to be responsible for a much younger sibling as just a young adult themself?

I am 38. I would love a child, but I won't he having one, as I am too old and I don't have any wider family for my potential child (my partner and I are both only children). It breaks my heart, I am grieving for the family I will never have and I am terrified of ending up all alone in the world. But none of that matters - the child comes first.

38 is not too old. You could easily have a couple of children and still not be too old.

Not all families are reliable, and plenty of people find themselves reliant on friends.

I just find your post so, so sad.

Newposter180 · 09/02/2025 20:16

NorthernGirl1981 · 09/02/2025 19:17

All these anecdotes from women happily having their babies in their 40’s are completely missing the point.

It’s not about whether OP can have a baby and raise it, of course she is physically able to do that. The point most posters are making is that the OP needs to consider what the consequences to the child will be of having elderly parents when they themselves are young.

But there are also consequences of children being born to very young parents.
I had my children early 30s and that was pretty young by my social circle (although grandparent age according to this thread!).

overthinkersanonnymus · 09/02/2025 20:14

@PyongyangKipperbang I'm not arsed about being shot down one bit.

As someone who is still trying for a baby at 38, the risk is increasing month by month for disabilities etc. that's why my cut off will be December this year.

MercurialButton · 09/02/2025 20:13

overthinkersanonnymus · 09/02/2025 19:53

Maybe this is the reason for such high prevalence in special needs over the last 10 years or so. People pushing the age to have children right up to menopause. Younger eggs, younger sperm, younger bodies in general probably have less DNA damage. I don't know the ins and outs of the reasons, but it's a theory.

I still feel like a teenager, and not at all responsible enough for a full time job, mortgage and a baby. But biologically, that is not the case. The mind and body are not always aligned.

And I say that as someone who is 38 and has been trying for over 3 years for their first baby.

I think you will find that in the UK the majority of special needs are not related to parental age.
Most are related to
premature birth babies can survive very early, but not without complications
maternal illness during pregnancy
substance abuse
marrying first cousins
IVF
chromosomal issues not related to age - just unlucky - imperfect egg or imperfect sperm got together.

Maternal age will be a small percent of the total of special needs.

Needspaceforlego · 09/02/2025 20:13

Op i don't think you'd neglect your older child but really your looking at a 17 year age gap.

That's massive, and very different stages in life and they probably always will be.

lovingmememe · 09/02/2025 20:12

My friend said the older mum hype is coming to an end like the big brows.

CheddarCheetah · 09/02/2025 20:07

To the OP. Don’t ask mumsnet. You’ll get all the contrasting opinions. You just do you. No one can tell you what it will be like because everyone’s experience is different. If you are physically and mentally able and ready for a child that’s your business and no one else’s x

HappyMe6 · 09/02/2025 20:06

Yes I think so, everything could go well and hopefully it does if you go through with it but I would be thinking of the child having at 15 having a mother of 60 and 6 years later when he’s 21 having an oap as a mother of course it’s entirely up to you, I had all my children very young I’m 68 and my eldest is 48

Polkadotbabushka · 09/02/2025 20:06

I had mine at 32 and it’s taken a massive toll on me! The sleepless nights are HARD! There’s no way I’d have coped at 45 that’s for sure!!

I worry also about the risks of having issues as an older mum and the baby having things wrong.

personally I wouldn’t take the risk.

SallyWD · 09/02/2025 20:06

NatterNatter50 · 09/02/2025 19:28

Genuinely gobsmacked at this thread! What century are we in?! I had my first at 37 and during mat leave was the only mum in my baby group who was under 40! Times have changed now and people are generally more health conscious and living longer so no you won’t be the only “old” mum at the school gates.

also Me and plenty of my friends had younger parents who depended on us emotionally and financially since we were in our 20’s and it is still the same now in our 40s so we have been Caring for them for just an insanely long period of time….if anything for me it feels like a massive train just coming towards me as despite my mother being in good health the dependency is only getting worse and I am just waiting for the day when I will be doing more hands on care. This is after already spending 20 years worrying about her.

As long as you look after yourself and encourage your children to do their own thing when you are older then there’s nothing g wrong with what you’re doing.

at 41 I am planning to have another one as I’d rsther be an “elderly” mum than have my child be an only child. It depends on what is important to you. I also take care of myself and would consider myself a “young” 41 year old so not ready to write myself off just yet. So it’s all relative.

For many people having kids later keeps them young. Spending my 50s and 60s slowing down doesn’t really sound appealing to me.

respect those who have their kids younger too of course. Everyone is different.

I live in a middle class area and lots of the mums at school are doctors, lawyers etc. so you'd expect them to have babies later. The oldest mum in the class had her last baby at 40. Just before we left the primary school, one mum had a baby at 42. She became the oldest mum to have a baby in that class. Most of the mums had their babies in their 30s.
I do think it's very unusual to have a baby at 45. Yes we all know it happens but it's unusual, partly because most women don't want babies at that age, but also because most women are no longer able to have a baby at 45. I believe the chance of conception at 45 is 1%, with most pregnancies ending in miscarriage. In terms of fertility and egg quality, there's a huge difference between 40 and 45.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 09/02/2025 20:05

Kindofembarrasing · 09/02/2025 20:02

It worked for me I appreciate not many 16 year olds could make it work but I'm still with the same man he works hard got a mortgage etc. Also finished school before baby was born got good GCSEs despite being pregnant. Obviously not recommending it to anyone else, late motherhood also comes with a lot of risks but can still work fine for some women my own mother being one example.

Edited

Show quote history

My parents got married when my mum was 18, and she had me a year and a half later. They had a long and happy marriage.

She advised us to wait - we all went to uni anyway so we took a different path.

Original poster

Catontoof · 09/02/2025 20:04

ValentineValentineV · 09/02/2025 20:04

Did you mean to quote me?

Show quote history

Sorry no the quote above yours

OP posts:

oldermumsornot · 09/02/2025 20:04

I got pregnant at 45 (first attempt whilst breastfeeding a toddler and with a nearly 4 year old). I didnt realize it was that old, we certainly didnt feel older than anyone else with kids their age and still dont. 17 years on all the kids are doing brilliantly, happy and well adjusted and seem to have had great opportunities with parents that dont need to work full time so have had lots of time for them and had the ideal housing, Many activity/ski holidays a year, regular sailing and numerous hobbies.

I think being older gives you the confidence to parent well, the financial security to enjoy time with them. We ski, cycle and do every water sport with them. They ski faster now but that would be the same if we were 40 not 60! I honestly think kids all think their parents are old, not sure they distinguish between old and very old. They describe teachers as old, nearing retirement at 40!

I cant think of any disadvantages but that may well be different if you have older kids. I didnt have to cope with a large age gap, that may well be challenging. It may seem tiring if it is parenting a 2nd time round but isnt 1st time round (unless you both still need to work full time building up careers rather than self employed/winding down). However it may be hard to get pregnant.